Before we get started I have a couple of things to address.  First of all, I had the pleasure of attending a Christmas party with my beautiful and charming wife and after the party we had a chance to sneak out for dinner.  She has instituted some ground rules for my blogging moving forward:

1. Do not use her name.  (The reason I used her name is because I didn’t want to refer to her constantly as my wife, like she is some type of chattel, but apparently she is ok with me making her sound like chattel, so she will be called “my wife” from this point forward)
2. Do not use our children’s names.  My  wife is concerned that some internet predator with a terrific taste in internet blogs will use the fact that he knows our children’s names to abduct them.  She didn’t say if I could make up names for them but if I am allowed to they will be henceforth referred to as Thing 1 and Thing 2.  Also, if I’m allowed to do the same thing with my wife she will be henceforth referred to as Shirley.
3. Do not talk about my job (Shirley’s job, not mine).  Not sure why she thought I would ever go to that incredibly boring topic.  When my wife starts talking about her job I have a difficult time even pretending that I am interested, when she brings up work it’s similar to when somebody tells you about something cute their kid did.
4. More stuff about our sex life.  Just kidding, I think that topic may be entirely off limits.
5. No posting of my blog on Shirley’s facebook page.

The second thing that I need to address is that in critiquing my writing style, Shirley indicated that I get a bit long winded and need to focus on making my point and then moving on to my next point.  I could have easily implemented this in the first paragraph but I wanted to throw a couple compliments out to my wife since she has been pretty tolerant of this whole blog thing.  Furthermore, apparently my writing can come off as a bit of a rant.  Ranting is something I am naturally inclined to engage in but will do my best to not be so rantcentric in my writing.  (she also criticized my Kardashean comments in the last blog, claiming that nobody wants to hear about them and they are way too easy of a target, my apologies to any of you who also feel this way).

One of my prior blogs focused on how to make up for your crappy childhood, somehow my mother-in-law was offended by that blog even though she didn’t raise me.  Haven’t heard from the women who actually  raised me, but I’m guessing she’s preoccupied trying to figure out how to put a photo book together on shutter fly and even if she was aware of my blog would have no idea how to find it.  Well, my wife caught me trying to make up for my crappy child hood on Sunday  when I finally pulled the trigger on a slotless race car track.

Like her Facebook account (it’s her fault that I was actually able to post my blog on her Facebook page), she doesn’t log out of her Amazon account so it is perpetually accessible on our laptop at home.  Obviously she is an AmazonPrime member and they have this really clever feature where you just have to click a button and that’s it, it allows you to make the most impulsive of purchases in the easiest way possible.  That being said I went ahead and used her Amazon Prime membership and the one click shopping to make my purchase.  Being a newbie to the Amazon Prime thing along with the one click shopping, I had no idea that she would be alerted to my purchase for Thing 1 and Thing 2.  That night she came in and confronted me about it, and was upset with my one click shopping.  I pouted like Thing 1 and 2 would have pouted if you had told them they couldn’t have the ice cream they had just picked out at the store for dessert that night.

The next morning I was still in full blown sulk mode, primarily because I had promised my brother-in-law Shawn, I don’t think he minds if I use his name but if you do Shawn just let me know, that when he visited from Phoenix (yes he is leaving sunny Phoenix to come to Michigan for the final week of 2015) our kids (us) would be able to play with the slotless race car set I had sent him a link to the previous week.  I’m pretty sure the thought of that racetrack set was the only thing that was going to get him to willingly board the plane to Grand Rapids (he’s flying here with his Wife and his 1 and 4 year old who could be referred to as Thing 3 and 4).  I realized I only had one play if I was going to actually get the race car set, I had to level with my wife and let her know it was for me and Shawn.  Since I hadn’t given her any Christmas ideas she seemed perfectly fine with buying it for me for Christmas.  Now if I can just figure out a way to get her to give me all the other gifts I purchased for my kids it should be a Merry Christmas.

 

Some time ago I told my brother and brother-in-law in two separate conversations that your friends, family, and society will let you down but there is one thing in this life I was certain wouldn’t let you down, Chipotle.  That’s right, I love Chipotle and have never been disappointed after leaving their restaurant.  However, Chipotle has been catching itself in the national headlines due to an alleged outbreak of E.Coli that has plagued some of its restaurants.  It has gotten so bad that their CEO went on national television to assure that they were going to do everything in their power to make eating there safe again instead of a fast food version of Russian Roulette with diarrhea as the risk instead of a bullet to the head.  In those two separate conversations I recounted a recent visit to Chipotle where the person making my burrito had the perfect combination of chicken, beans, brown rice, sour cream, cheese, hot salsa, and corn.  However the shell they were using was tearing apart as they tried to fold up my truly amazing burrito.  It was one of my more anxious moments in recent memory, and fortunately for my mental well being she was able to pull it together.

The most recent outbreak of EColi took place in Boston and involved students at Boston College University.  The news stories mentioned reported cases of diarrhea and vomiting.  This struck me as somewhat strange because who reports they have diarrhea after eating at chipotle and who do you report it to?  Is there some diarrhea reporting hotline out there?  “Diarrhea reporting hotline how can we help you?”  “Well, I have Diarrhea, where do we go from there?” “Well, is it the kind where it’s so explosive that you resemble Jeff Daniel’s character from Dumb and Dumber when his tea was spiked with Turbo Lax?”  Also, I have always half expected diarrhea when I eat at Chipotle and didn’t think a three or four day bout with it was something that was noteworthy nor worth reporting to some agency.

Twenty years ago this would have never made the headlines.  People were much tougher back then and they would have never went to the doctor the first time they gambled on a fart and came out on the losing end.(The savvy Chipotle veteran knows better than to let a fart unless they are firmly seated on a toilet within 48 hours of eating at Chipotle)  In my mind this is one of the problems with American society and why everyone else in the world hates us (the other reason is the Kardashians and that seems like a pretty easy fix, just make them move to Canada).  Honestly, there are people out there who get their lower extremities blown off by land mines and they have to figure out how to treat their injuries at home. Or, those who have the occasional rabid grizzly bear attack and are forced to patch up with one of those rudimentary home first aid kits.  What are these people to think when they find out that a bunch of people eating fast food (that most people in third world countries would consider gourmet) went running to the doctor’s office at first squirt?

While Chipotle’s CEO appeared on national TV to attempt and ease the fears of all it’s patrons, there is a much better way to deal with the Noro Virus rearing it’s ugly head at Chipotle and guarantee that Chipotle doesn’t end up in the National news for anything other than it’s amazing burritos.  I’m suggesting that Chipotle have their customers fill out a short survey with the following questions:

1. Do you feel like the option of wheat burrito shells is something that would enhance your Chipotle experience?
2. Would it help your dining experience if we actually hired workers who were attractive and didn’t have tattoos and multiple body piercings?
3. If your trip to Chipotle happens to coincide with explosive diarrhea and non stop vomiting will you be reporting this to the local health department or in the alternative the diarrhea hotline?

This survey would help them weed out their customers who do not have the intestinal fortitude to eat at Chipotle while also allowing them to gather information that could possibly enhance the experience of eating at Chipotle if that’s even possible.  (If you are already perfect is it possible to climb any higher?)

Up until today, the last time I ate at Chipotle was prior to this latest scare in Boston and the lines were quite short.   If this is what it takes to have short lines at Chipotle I say bring on the E.Coli, I’m even willing to start reporting my diarrhea if it will help keep the lines down.

So, today I figured hey why not give it a shot I haven’t engaged in any risky behavior in a while, Chipotle it is!  Also, I was worried that if I didn’t get out there and support Chipotle there was a good chance it was going to shut down. (even though their stock was up $5 a share to somewhere around $550 after their CEO saved the day by going on national TV) To my surprise, there was a long line.  While I wasn’t real excited about the line it was reassuring to see that Chipotle customers were loyal and there was little chance I would have to start eating at Moe’s or even worse Qdoba.    Sure enough once I got home I had a case of the Chipotles, which I think actually might be more psychological than physiological.

Fortunately, the increased stock price and long lines at Chipotle make it apparent that Chipotle isn’t going anywhere. (I still think it would be in their best interest to implement my survey)  This is a huge relief because I didn’t want to wast my 1000 calorie burrito lunch and two days worth of daily recommended salt intake on an inferior burrito like Qdoba or Moe’s, that would be quite disappointing and would likely lead to hours of regret and disappointment.    Now that Chipotle isn’t going anywhere how do we go about relocating the Kardashians to Winnipeg?

 

 

 

 

A couple of things before I get into another topic.  First of all, the feed back has been mostly positive but certain people have indicated that I should probably tighten up my writing a bit.   While I can’t make any promises I will do my best.  Secondly, for those of you who don’t have any kids and have somehow stumbled upon my blog, I will try to write about things other than my kids at some point.  I barely like my kids, actually most of the time I don’t, but they are such terrible monsters and my parenting style is so unconventional (that’s code for terrible)  that they are able to give me quite a bit of material.  While I loved the first six months of my oldest son Aiden’s life, I absolutely hated the first six months of Parker’s because it wasn’t new and exciting, it was arduous and painful.  If I’m giving I better be getting an equal amount back in some shape or form and that doesn’t happen with a newborn, all those SOB’s do is take.   However, looking back there was something nice about the 0-6 month stage of life, my kids were unable to manipulate and screw with me.  They didn’t have the mental capacity or physical ability to do so, when they wanted something all they could do is cry to get their way.  Now, they have a myriad of tactics they use to get what they want and they have slowly discovered all my weaknesses (these are qualities that could allow them to be great attorneys someday, but I pray to God they don’t pursue that career path)

While my children have a knack for driving me crazy in their demands for say chocolate before they have even had breakfast, their refusal to wear a coat when it’s 20 degrees outside, or their desire to wear a specific pair of sweat pants  (I truly don’t get that, if  I am in a pair of sweat pants I’m amazingly comfortable, it doesn’t have to be a specific pair of sweatpants to get to comfort nirvana)  Christmas brings about a certain type of leverage that a parent just can’t get any time of year.  “If you nimrods want to get any presents at Christmas you will let me sleep for another hour!”  I can tell it’s going to be a particularly long day when I’m already threatening them with no dessert at 10am.  Now, I don’t have to use my go to behavior modification tool (promise of dessert)  I have Christmas presents to fill that void.  As a parent you are fully aware, at least I am, as to what a terrible strategy it is to continually threaten your kids in order to get them to comply with your wishes, or at the very least just shut the hell up and stop whining.  However, I haven’t really figured out what other alternative I have.  Corporal punishment doesn’t really fit my style, yelling like a maniac and threatening them is more up my alley, and I think my kids would prefer a spanking as opposed to when I go nuclear, ranting and raving like a complete lunatic, there is nothing like the satisfaction of being able to see genuine fear in your kid’s eyes.

Unfortunately, like I previously noted, my kids have already picked up on what a truly weak person I am and noticed that I routinely cave into my very own self by purchasing and giving myself whatever I want. To my credit it did take me a second trip to Nordstrom Rack to purchase that pair of UGGS I had my eye on.  “Oh, these are still here?  It’s destiny I pretty much have to buy these, Try to be like Tom Brady, I wanna be I wanna be I wanna be like Tom Brady”  (Michael Jordan is an Ahole)   Truly, my kids probably think “dad caved in and bought a pair of boots that most women wouldn’t even wear, how hard will it be to get him to give us everything we want, it’s going to just take a bit of persistence.”

Fortunately, this time of year the whole threat of only socks and underwear at Christmas carries a lot of weight with my kids.  I have always told myself that I’m not going to say the stupid things to my kids my parents said to me growing up, but when I say similar things to my kids it it is absolutely hilarious, as opposed to completely stupid when I routinely heard that from my dad when I was a kid.  Doubling down on parental control, Scout, Santa’s Elf has increased the ease of Holiday parenting ten fold.  If you are unfamiliar with Scout AKA elf on a shelf, he’s a toy like elf who you place around the house and he watches your kids and reports back to santa.  My kids have actually been tolerable since Scout made an appearance in our house.

The creators behind Scout were smart in that they made a rule that kids can’t touch scout or he will leave permanently, reporting back to Santa about the inappropriate touching, (as everyone should do).  If this rule was not in play I’m pretty sure every kid across the world would find some creative way to dispose of that bitch of a snitch Scout.  A second great thing about Scout that allows my children to be enamored by him, instead of trying to flush him down the toilet is that he brings them treats at night.  This is totally awesome mainly because I have stumbled on Scout’s treat stash. This daily treat reward for my kids is something my wife has taken to a completely new level.   Parker and Aiden were eating Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas Trees the other morning.  Fortunately, I somehow managed to have enough will power not to join them.

Scout likely has children across the world torn as to how to deal with his unwanted presence.  He brings daily treats but at what cost?  Children have to behave way more than normal and his web cam like presence and unfettered access to Santa directly threaten the ability to have an amazing and present filled Christmas.  If I had to deal with Scout as a kid I would have likely eliminated him and taken my  chances with Santa, how vengeful can a guy that looks that Merry be?  He’s not a republican so I’m sure he would still given me the majority of the presents I was entitled to.

While Scout is a truly terrific concept, I’m frightened as to what is going to happen when Christmas is over and Scout has to head back to the North Pole to be reunited with Santa.  Granted, if Scout is anything like our Christmas decorations, he will be around at least until the middle of January, the only problem is that Scout will have absolutely  no pull with Christmas being over.  Parker’s birthday isn’t until the beginning of February so I can’t start utilizing that to bribe him into tolerable behavior until, at the earliest, the middle of January.  That leads me to one of the truly great things about being a parent; you can lie to your kids any time you feel like it and there are no consequences and in most cultures it is considered morally acceptable behavior.  “Listen guys, I realize Scout went back to the North Pole last year after Christmas, but like your Grandma Nieboer, he really loves it here and will be dropping in unannounced, staying over night many times like her, and basically taking over our basement. (It’s no longer “Your” room Sue, it’s yours and scout’s room) The unfortunate thing for you guys is that he is going to be constantly reporting back to Santa on a weekly basis and your 2016 Christmas is going to hang in the balance based upon your behavior over the entire year, not just what your mom and I can remember.  So, what that means for you guys is you really need to step it up and be on your best behavior.”  I guess Cara is going to need to get a year supply of Reese’s Peanut Butter Christmas trees.

 

http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjo2dLn5NbJAhVC7CYKHRaiAywQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fsegullah.org%2Fdaily-special%2Fthe-elf-on-the-shelf-i-have-hated-him-myself%2F&psig=AFQjCNGQQQgzBfwi2KQNIqCXw4HkLzKOhw&ust=1450025699701934

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last weekend my in laws decided to take our two children for an overnight at their house from Saturday night to Sunday.  Needless to say, my kids love going to their grandparents, and my theory as to why primarily hinges on the fact that from the time they are in the presence of their granparents until the time they leave their custody, they do not hear the word no.  There are a lot of other factors that go into why they enjoy the company of their grandparents (never ending sweets, unlimited television viewing, and constant attention)  but not hearing the word no is a humungous selling point to my kids.  This isn’t to say that they have it terribly bad when they are with their parents, but we do try to establish a few ground rules and I have been known to discipline my children on the rare occasions where I can no longer ignore their awful behavior (Fortunately for my kids I have an extremely high tolerance for awful behavior due to the fact that I am a criminal defense attorney).  When I returned home from golf I realized that I was under no obligation to spend time with my kids because they were with their grandparents.  I thought to myself, should I feel guilty that I don’t really miss my kids?  If they were gone for a week I would miss them, right?  Regardless of what I actually felt or thought I should feel I knew I had to take a advantage of the no kids thing, I know what your thinking, a little afternoon delight, but I knew that wasn’t happening because my wife was on a mission to organize the kid’s playroom above the garage and there was no way I was going to get her off task, even if it would only take her away from her organizing for no more than 45 seconds.

I decided to make up a fake errand so that I could hit the Tanger outlet mall for some holiday shopping (for myself).  Fortunately Cara was so engaged in organizing the playroom she didn’t even realize I was gone much longer than what it would have taken to complete my errand.  While I was on a mission to find a few items for myself, and based upon the fact that we were receiving at lest three packages from Amazon every day since Thanksgiving (this is two more than what we normally get during the non-christmas season) I assumed that Cara was handling all of the kid’s holiday shopping, I still wandered into the Toys R Us outlet store.  I have joked that our local UPS person, Fed Ex person, and USPS person come to our house on a daily basis, even if they don’t have a package(s) for us, merely out of habit.  I have also wondered what the impact on Amazon stock would be if my wife canceled her Amazon Prime membership.  (I imagine it would drop at lest two to three dollars a share)

My kids are still young enough that I’m not overly concerned about the fact that my wife has decided to monopolize shopping for their Christmas gifts.  However, visiting Toys R Us really opened my eyes to what could be at their (my) disposal should I start shopping for their gifts.  The first item that grabbed my attention was a semi automatic nerf gun that shoots nerf darts and looked like something Sylvester Stalone utilized in the Rambo movies.  I immediately envisioned myself and my kids running through our house shooting at one another for hours on end.  This could help me deal with the seasonal mood disorder that will set in in a matter of weeks.  It’s painful trying to come up with stuff to do with your kids when you get home from work, it gets dark at 4pm, and even if it did stay light out longer there is little chance you could go outside anyways.  I’m pretty sure I would never get sick of shooting a semi-automatic nerf dart gun at my kids.  The age on the box said 8 and up, but obviously they put that on there for to avoid any liability.  If I could get a couple pairs of child size safety goggles and somehow talk my kids into wearing them (parker doesn’t even want to wear gloves or a hat when it’s ten degrees below zero) we would have nothing to worry about.  Ok, almost nothing to worry about, our Boston Terrier already has a mild case of PTSD from the torture my kids inflict on her on pretty much a daily basis, but I have a solution for the emotional toll three sets of semi-automtic nerf dart guns could inflict on our dog.  I could get a dog from the pound that my kids could shoot at to shield Allie from the unintentional/intentional infliction of emotional  distress she is likely to suffer at the hands of my children.  I’d just keep our other dog in the storage shed when the nerf guns aren’t out.  I kind of thought a cat would be better suited as a target than a dog due to their superior agility but I truly hate cats and I don’t want my kids to think having a cat is acceptable, even if it’s sole purpose is to be used as a shooting target.

The second gift that I must get my children is a slotless race car set, it’s similar to a slot car set but way more apparently it actually works. (I would have included a picture but my blogging skills are rudimentary at this point and I haven’t figured out how to cut and paste yet, but if I do I will be sure to update the blog with the appropriate pictures)  True slot cars actually are connected to the track but the new and improved version are not connected to the track and operate through some sort of magic technology that is way too complicated for me to figure out, all I can tell is that it is awesome.  When I saw this on Amazon I was skeptical, it seemed way too good to be true, however there were 78 user reviews and all of them were ringing endorsements.  I’m sorry but that never happens, there’s usually at least a couple people complaining about whatever the product is just because they like to complain.  “I give the race car set one star, one of the race cars ran off the track and surprised my cat, causing it to poop on the floor.”  I’m pretty sure this is an actual Amazon  review based on how absurd some of the reviews I’ve read actually are.

I ended up making a huge mistake over dinner that night.  I brought up the nerf guns and the race car set to my wife. In hindsight I should have done what she would have done, not consult with me, make the purchase on Amazon, have it shipped and then show it to me when it arrives.  Not sure why she would think either of these gifts were a bad idea, but they were instantly shot down by her.  In all honesty, I think she realizes that since I have a penis I am going to be way better at purchasing gifts that our two boys like so she is going to try and hold on as long as possible to be the sole shopper for their Christmas needs.  She has shown me what she has purchased the kids, and they are great, well thought out gifts, but if I busted out the nerf guns and the race track after they open “her” gifts there is not a chance that they pay those gifts any attention.  Those gifts would be even more neglected than the toys they  currently have and the dog I plan on getting from the pound for target practice.

So, the big question is how do I back door my way into these gifts that my kids (I) must have?  I already put them on my Christmas list for my mother-in-law to purchase for me, but she wondered why I needed three of the nerf guns and two sets of child sized safety goggles and thought a racetrack was unnecessary since I already have a driver’s license.  Do I just purchase them and say to hell with the consequences?   Or, do I allow my wife one more year of being the best Christmas gift giver in our family?  The package does say the nerf guns are for ages 8 and up and the racetrack seems to be for kids who don’t poop their pants (parker) or drool (Aiden) but if I wait until they stop doing those things it could be years before I am able to get the racetrack set I so dearly covet.  Plus, I sent a link to the racetrack to my brother-in-law and his response was he thought it was a little advanced for our kids. DUH! It’s probably a little advanced for my  brother-in-law and I as well, but it’s totally awesome.  I bought Aiden a motorized Jeep at least a year before he had the requisite amount of arm strength to turn the steering wheel but have rarely been one to use practicality or common sense when gift giving.  So, this whole idea of who the gifts are actually for gets me to the main point of this current blog.

Having girls would be horrible, no just kidding, but having two boys will definitely allow me to live vicariously through the gifts I am able to purchase for them and make up for the unimaginative toys I grew up with and the lack of initiative my parents had in their gift giving (decision to not spoil me).  Seriously, I am sure having girls is great, but the only toy I think I would utilize is that barbie take and bake oven, those cakes you can make look so delicious, other than that I don’t see a whole lot out there that I would be interested in.

Growing up there a couple of prime examples of how things are much better than I remember them being and they can be directly  tied to the two “Christmas Presents” I would like to purchase for Aiden and Parker.  My brothers are eight and eleven years younger than I am and I remember them having nerf weapons that you could put three nerf balls you could load up and shoot at people.  You had to pump the weapon and the balls actually had an arc to them due to the lack of speed and force behind them.  My brothers still utilized them to try and torture my friends who rarely came over because my brothers resembled caged animals released into the wild.  If my brother’s had the nerf guns I have my eye on for my kids(me) my friends would have never come over to our house.  Similarly, my uncles were into slot car racing and had an elaborate track set up in my grandparent’s basement when I was a kid (not now, that would be really awkward, although I’m sure my uncles wouldn’t mind taking a week off form their current lives to race slot cars in my grandparent’s basement if my grandparents were still alive).  However, the thing rarely worked because the track would constantly short out and on top of that you basically had to be the slot car equivalent of a NASCAR driver to get the cars to stay on the track.  Furthermore, it would take hours to set up the slot car track with no guarantee that it would actually work (similar to putting all the lights on your Christmas tree only to find out one of the strands has a short in it)

My only fear is that I see no end to technology making my kids childhood (my life) way better than the childhood I had or even a childhood I dreamed about as I was forced to watch Non-high definition television and play pong and space invaders on Atari (I can’t believe I actually thought that was awesome).  Part of me feels like kids have it way too good now a days, but something tells me that is exactly how our parents felt when they were purchasing our Christmas gifts and remembering their days of playing lincoln logs and tinker toys.  My grandparents actually had an electronic football game that you would put plastic players on and the thing would vibrate and the plastic players would move haphazardly across the playing field.  That was the game.  I can’t imagine giving that to a kid today and telling them to play with it, they would probably figure out a way to wire it into their x-box and actually make it somewhat entertaining.  What is a parent to do?  I have vowed that my kids are not going to play video games (mainly because I suck at them and don’t want them kicking my ass repeatedly)  but also because we went outside as kids and pretended to shoot one another and actually on occasion did shoot one another with our bb guns, now you don’t even have to leave your house to virtually shoot shit up.  My five year old already has a significant amount of disdain for the outdoors and seems to have purchased a one way ticket to becoming a couch potato.  Is it wrong of me to want my kids to have as deprived and as terrible of a childhood as I had?  Is there a way I can accomplish this but still get them a ton of awesome stuff that I can play with?  I don’t really want them to have to go through the truly awful stuff I had to go through like going to church twice on Sunday, having your dad call you pizza face because of your really bad acne that was handed directly down to you by his genes, or non high def television but they need to suffer a little bit of adversity?  Don’t they?

That brings me to the second point of why our children’s lives are so much better than ours.  Not only does technology totally kick ass, budgets for what parent’s spend on their kids seem to be non existent.  My parents should have spent way more money on my toys and gifts when I was growing up, I would have been a much happier child and much more compliant with their demands.  Wait a minute, maybe they did know what they were doing, they told me if I wanted more than what they were willing to give me I would have to find a way to make my own money.  That resulted in me getting a paper route in sixth grade and a job at a muck farm in seventh grade.  Both were what you would call character (awful) building experiences and they were invaluable.

Unfortunately, I can’t imagine scaling back on Christmas to try and get a point across to my kids about materialism and the unfortunate turn Christmas has taken due to the emphasis upon consumerism in society today.  Cara sent me an email about looking for some type of charitable event us and the kids can participate in over the holidays so they can understand the true meaning of Christmas.  Our kids are bright but not that bright, volunteering at a soup kitchen isn’t really going to drive the point home to them and I can’t imagine they have the attention span to ring the bell outside of Meijers to collect money for the Salvation Army.  (The endless number of Amazon boxes in our garage and the possibility that we may  need to rent a storage space to store the kids gifts until Christmas is not what brought her to the realization that our kids may be spoiled and missing the point, it was the show Blackish where they addressed the very same issues in the past week’s episode)  I told her what may actually drive the point home is not buying them so much crap for Christmas, but that ship has already sailed.  However, it would have been much easier to actually walk the walk and not just talk the talk had I not made the unfortunate mistake of going into Toys R Us last Saturday and discovering the plethora of nerf urban assault weapons available without a mandatory waiting period at quite a reasonable price. I may  have actually packaged up some of the gifts in the garage and sent them back to Amazon, it would have possibly taught my kids a lesson while allowing me to once again park my truck in the garage.  Ignorance truly would have been bliss.  The more I explore what is out there in the toy world the more I think to myself “do I really want to try and un-spoil my children?”  I guess the biggest question now is:  “Do I try out the Slotless Race car set before the kids open it to make sure it works, or do I just hope for the best?”  They are going to be truly disappointed if it doesn’t work and they are forced to play with the gifts their mom got them, but hey as Kelly Clakston once said “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” Amen Kelly! Amen!

 

http://www.amazon.com/Real-FX-Racing-Artificial-Intelligence/dp/B00IGNT3KQ/ref=sr_1_20?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1449782955&sr=1-20&keywords=scalextric+slot+car+sets

 

http://www.amazon.com/Real-FX-Racing-Artificial-Intelligence/dp/B00IGNT3KQ/ref=sr_1_20?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1449782955&sr=1-20&keywords=scalextric+slot+car+sets

 

 

 

 

 

My earliest memory of the Detroit Lions is attending the annual Thanksgiving day game in 1980 with the entire Jansma family.  This included my uncle  Nick, Bill, and Jon along with my Aunt Lisa (who was and still is married to Nick) and my Uncle’s two girlfriends along with my mom and dad and Grandpa and Grandma Jansma.  I remember there being fresh snow on the ground as we made our way to the Pontiac Silverdome for the showdown between the Lions and the Bears.  I’m guessing in 1980 there was no such thing as the “Family Zone” but if there was such a thing  the Jansma’s didn’t have the foresight to purchase tickets located in the “Family Zone”  Even more unfortunate is the fact that if there  was a “drunk asshole zone” we were located smack dab in the middle of it.  Some drunk guy ended up spilling beer all over my mom’s coat in the first half and my dad in his one moment of chivalry came to her defense and started an altercation that resulted in everyone being carted off to the security office but me and my Uncle Bill.  Not sure what the reasoning was behind escorting my soft spoken grandmother to the security office, but it wasn’t until late in the game that everyone returned to our section and ultimately witness what was to be the first of a lifetime of disappointing Lion defeats.  To this very day I routinely  scream to the Heavens “WHY GOD! WHY! WHY DID YOU MAKE ME A LIONS FAN?”  Maybe that’s part of the reason I hate Donald Trump so much, he was somehow involved with the creation of the  USFL, an alternative to the NFL that would have allowed me to free myself from the shackles of the Detroit Lions and the never ending ineptitude.  The Michigan Panthers were the local team and I’m sure I could have gotten behind them and cheered them on just as fervently as I have cheered on one of the most moribund franchises in NFL history, the Detroit Lions.  What’s even more depressing is that the Michigan Panthers, who played two years in the USFL, have more championships than the Lion’s have appearances in the Super Bowl (1).  Needless to say, my Lions fandom got off to an auspicious start but it was a minor set back in light of what was in store for me as I stayed loyal to my home state’s sole professional football team.

I feel it necessary to detail the lowlights because there are truly no real highlights to speak of as I recount my almost forty years of cheering on a team that is almost as hapless as the city it hails from.  November 25, 2002 was a date that will live in coaching infamy.  Marty Mornhinweg was the coach of the Detroit Lions on that day when they played the Chicago Bears in Champagne Illinois (Soldier Field in Chicago was being renovated so the Bears were playing in Champagne for the season).  This resulted in about two to three hours more drive team adding insult to injury as the unthinkable actually happened that day.  The Lions and Bears ended up in overtime as I watched on hoping for the best but expecting the worst (that’s what every Lion’s fan does, it’s what we have been conditioned to do).  Sure enough, Mary Mornhinweg elected to give the Bears the ball first so that he could choose the direction he wanted to go due the severity of the wind.  NFL overtime was sudden death during that time period, meaning the first team to score was the winner.  The Bears promptly drove down the field and kicked a game winning field goal, leaving me with an excruciating five hour drive home to ponder how someone who was that clueless could be one of thirty people allowed to coach a team in the NFL, and be paid lucratively to do so.

The Lions organization continued to bumble its way to losing season after losing season until it made history in 2008 with a winless season. That’s right, the Lions are the only team to go winless through a 16 game season.  Since that infamous season the Lions have made progress in building an organization that at times has been somewhere between mediocre and average.  While drafting four receivers with their high first round draft picks in the 2000’s, one of them actually turned into the best receiver in the NFL and the Lions were also able to draft a respectable and talented quarterback to complement him.  This duo teamed with other players with varying degrees of talent gave the Lions the ability to win games and gave Lion’s fans hope for the future.

Fast forward to December 16, 2013.  The Lions were in perfect position to sneak into the playoffs by winning the NFC North.  The primary reason for this opportunity was that Aaron Rodgers had broken his collarbone, leaving the Packers looking like a rudderless ship.  The Lions were being spotlighted on Monday Night Football and my brother and future brother-in-law had picked up tickets so we could be present at the game that would vault them into the playoffs.  We were seated next to a number of Ravens fans and were giving them a hard time the entire game.  The game was touch and go the entire way and it came down to the final play of the game and to no ones surprise the Ravens kicker, Justin Tucker, kicked a 61 yard (nfl record) game winning field goal to effectively kill the lions chances of making the playoffs.  On the way back to the hotel on the people mover I gave a spirited speech about how no one should be a fan of the Lions because they are such a miserable and pathetic franchise.  Part of my argument was that professional athletes are paid handsomely and at the end of the of the day when it is all said and done they are rich and live a life that most of us can only dream of having.  My claim was that “Calvin Johnson doesn’t come and watch you mow your lawn, why should you come and watch him play football, he doesn’t give a shit about you and we shouldn’t give a shit about the lion’s, it’s a relationship that is all take and no give.  Needless to say, most of that speech was alcohol induced and I quickly came to my senses the following season and was once again all in for my Detroit Lions.  What an epic mistake that was.  It was about to get unimaginably worse, even worse than a record breaking field goal to bounce the Lions out of the playoffs.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason the NFL has decided to dole out a number of unfavorable calls to the Lions over the past few years, calls that have actually had an impact on the outcome of various games.  The Calvin Johnson rule was established in a season opener against the Chicago Bears when Megatron caught what he and everyone else thought was a game winning touchdown only to find out he didn’t complete the process resulting in a Lion’s loss.  This call opened the door for the NFL and their bumbling group of middle aged men masquerading as NFL referees to unleash cruel and unusual punishment on Lion’s fans.  It’s one thing to lose games on a regular basis because you are a bad franchise with players such as Charlie Batch, Joey Harrington, Scott Mitchell, Roy Williams, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams.  It’s an entirely different story when you have done everything in your power to win a game only to have victory snatched from your grasp by officials who are entirely incompetent and would have a difficult time refereeing the celebrity flag football game on Super Bowl weekend.  What makes it even more devastating is that the Lions have been on the wrong end of two calls this very season and I was actually present for both of them.

The first one took place against the Seattle Seahawks.  The Lions were driving and Calvin Johnson was a yard away form scoring the game winning touchdown prior to having the ball poked out of his grasp and into the endzone where a Seattle Seahawk player illegally batted the ball out of the endzone.  The referees ruled the fumble was a touchback and awarded the ball to Seattle at the 20 yard line.  The correct call would have been to give the Lions the ball at the one yard line, allowing them to score what would have likely been the winning touchdown.  I was at the game with my wife and my brother and it was in Seattle.  We were sitting in a row with a group of Lions fans who had flown into town for the specific purpose of watching the Lions on Monday Night Football.  I, on the other hand, was visiting my brother and we decided to go to the game last minute.  I can’t imagine flying across the country just to watch the Lions play football, but those are the types of fans the Lions have, even though they haven’t made it to a super bowl in the entire history of their franchise.  While the loss was troubling, and at the time it happened none of us knew the refs had blown the call, what was more troubling was my response to the loss and my actions during the game.  I was screaming like a mad man at every Seahawks fan around me and there was a woman in front of me who was in her fifties who probably didn’t even know what a first down was.  She had genuine fear in her eyes and probably had to set up an appointment with her therapist the next day to deal with trauma I had unleashed upon her. My wife’s response to the events that had unfolded was “that was fun and exciting!”  My brother was taking the loss just as hard as I was if not harder because he lives in a city primarily comprised of bandwagon Seahawks fans who have no actual knowledge of football and the Lions winning would have been a prime opportunity to shove it in their collective faces.  Cara, my wife began to chastise my brother and I for our behavior.  I told her she better just be quiet or my brother may end up doing something he regrets to her.  Obviously, she wasn’t going to accept our childish behavior and she called us out for being childish and told us to shape up.  Way to go honey.

While the Seattle loss left a very unfavorable taste in my mouth, little did I know it was not the lowest point of what was shaping into a miserable season.  While the proper call on the fumble would not have guaranteed victory, the Lions win percentage was probably north of 95 percent and had they won that game it would have turned their season around.  The Lions fought hard but it was painfully obvious that this loss was going to take a toll on the team and likely put their season in jeopardy.  The Lions ended up getting blown out in two of their three next games and started off the season 1-7.  Season over, right?  Fortunately for the NFL, fans of NFL teams have a never say die attitude and due to the fact that they could still win the rest of their games, finishing 9-7 and possibly sneaking into the playoffs was still in play for the Lions.  After firing their offensive coordinator the Lions managed to pull off three straight wins causing my brother and I to get pickets off seatgeek to the Thursday night game against the Packers.

The game started off well and the Lions ended up grabbing a 20-0 lead over the Packers and their gigantic douchebag of a quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.  Watching at home you are unable to get a true feel as to what a truly whiney bitch he is.  Almost every play he looks to the refs for a flag.  There was one particular play where he was looking for a pass interference call and the Lion’s defensive back wasn’t even close to the wide receiver he was trying to throw the ball to.  Of course being a Lion’s fan I knew that no lead was safe.  Sure enough the Packers battled back and the game was somewhat in question even though the Lions had pinned the Packers back on their own 20 with 30 seconds left.  I’m pretty sure the Lion’s win expectancy at this point was north of 99%.  In all actuality it should have been 100% due to the fact that they were winning 26-24 with no time left on the clock.  Unfortunately, one of the referees, the one who had the worst vantage point, threw a flag on Devin Taylor for a facemask on Aaron Rodgers when his thumb grazed the facemask of the NFL’s holder of the most endorsement deals this side of Peyton Manning.  Apparently, Rodgers took some acting classes at Cal because he managed to pull his head down down at the very exact moment the thumb grazed the facemask, making it appear like an actual facemask.  Once it became apparent that the Packers would receive an un-timed down pretty much every Lions fan at Ford Field knew it was over due to the ineptness of Jim Caldwell.  Sure enough, the Lions rushed three and let Aaron Rodgers get out of the pocket to his right allowing him to throw the ball sixty five yards down the field to a wide open receiver in the end zone.  The Lions also had two guys guarding the sideline and after the game Jim Caldwell actually admitted that he didn’t think the Packers were going to throw a Hail Mary.  Even if you think that, don’t admit it.  What else are they going to do.  The Lions strategy on the last play was poor coaching on so many levels and it epitomizes the trials and tribulations of every Lion’s fan.  The Lions were up on the scoreboard 26-24 with no time left on the clock, but due to the fact that they had hired a coach that no one else wanted the previous season they lost a game that every other team in the league would have won except maybe the Cleveland Browns.

While the loss would have been hard to stomach sitting on my couch at home, it was twice as difficult to take because I was there in person to see it happen and now had a two and a half hour ride home to contemplate what had just happened.  Immediately after the Hail Mary, I flipped off a 12 year old red headed girl who was a Packers fan and seated directly behind me.  I have engaged is some pretty poor behavior as a direct result of improper outcomes at sporting events, but this was an all time low for even me.  Looking back on what I did, I wish someone would have at the very least kicked me in the testicles as hard as they possibly could.  Fortunately, I snapped out of it and was able to calm down my brother who was even more livid than I was.  Primarily due to the fact that I had lived through the Seattle debacle, I was quite calm from that point on and we managed to make it to the car unscathed and without being arrested.  However, I did do some serious soul searching on my way home.  What if the Elf on the Shelf had witnessed my behavior?  I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even be receiving socks and underwear for Christmas.  I’m flipping the bird to a 12 year old girl because a team I had nothing to do with lost a game to another team I have absolutely nothing to do with.  Does that make any sense?  Had the Lions won that game would it have any direct impact on my life other than making me happy?  No, my wife isn’t going to have sex with me whenever I want because the Lions won.  My kids aren’t suddenly going to listen to me when I tell them to do something because the Lions won.  I’m not going to suddenly start making more money at my job because the Lions won.  On the flip side, there was a Packer fan near us who was  gloating about the win and acting like he was the one who caught the winning touchdown catch.  Is he any less of a loser because the Packers won? no he isn’t.  He is still eating government cheese and in all likelihood has some affiliation to one of the  worst places on earth,  Wisconsin, or at the very least may live in Detroit.

My take away from this entire experience is this:  Watching an NFL game live is a terrible experience.  There were at least six injury time outs and when there is an injury time out there is absolutely nothing to do but wait for CBS to get the game restarted.  Furthermore, there are also timeouts woven into the game seemingly every five minutes and there is nothing to do to pass the time during the commercial breaks.  On top of all this, the NFL has put together officiating crews who are entirely inept and they continually botch calls causing them to have a direct impact on the outcome of games.  If there was someway to boycott the NFL until they were able to get their act together we could make changes to the game and possibly bring about a product that is palatable.  Hold on, what am I thinking?  With gambling and fantasy sports the NFL could recreate the bud bowl or the XFL and people would still tune in for their weekly fix of football.  What gives me hope is the fact that when I was dressing my two year old Parker that very morning of that fateful game between the Packers and Lions was his refusal to wear a Lions long sleeve t-shirt that I had picked out for him.  He actually said “I don’t like them!”  I may not be able to steer an entire fan base away from a life time of pain and disappointment, but at the very least least I can save my children from making the same mistake I made. I hope Parker likes that Aaron Rodgers jersey I just purchased off from Amazon.

 

 

 

 

 

I have finally done it.  I have started my own blog and am now on my way to reaching millions, wait a minute maybe I should temper my expectations, I will hopefully at the very least reach my Facebook friends and hopefully in turn the friends of my Facebook friends, snowballing into a readership of at leas 72 people.  Some of you may get the Seinfeld reference that I have used in the address of my blog.  In all actuality I have been writing a blog for quite some time but it has been in the form of emails that I have sent to various people I am friends with detailing the nuances of my everyday life and the observations I make raising my two kids, playing sports, working, or merely putting together my take on society in general and more specifically pop culture.   My writing is one of two ways I am able to maintain my sanity as I go through life as an angry Dutchman (that’s what some of my friends have endearingly referred to me as, due to my inability to keep my cool in certain situations)  Most often my patience is tested when I am participating in something competitive such as pick-up basketball, golf, bowling (yes, sad to say but I am in a bowling league and my competitive nature has caused me to lose my cool at the bowling alley on an occasion or two) or dealing with my children Parker and Aiden who are 2 and 5 respectively.  My other primary way to maintain my sanity is by drinking, just kidding, I try to exercise on a daily basis as a release and typically that is an effective way to deal with the daily stresses of life.

Most people who know me would question my claim of having daily stresses since I have my own legal practice with three partners and am typically at the gym, on the golf course, or water skiing more than anything else (don’t tell my wife, my partners, or my clients).  In all reality working as a criminal defense and family law attorney has its stressful moments due to the fact that you are often times required to fix other people’s mistakes and make them happy even if there is no solution to the problems they  have created for themselves.  Honestly, I don’t have too much to complain about but I like to describe myself as the victim and paint my life to be a never ending string of trials and tribulations.  So, what should a blog about nothing consist of?  In all reality it will consist of whatever I feel like it should consist of but I will try to keep it light hearted and to the point.  (my critics claim that I can get a bit long winded in my emails and that it sometimes comes off as a rant, and my wife, who has obviously never seen the movie Office Space, doesn’t appreciate my use of the term “no talent ass clown” in my writing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a7DdyChR8JU (this is suppose to be a link to a clip from Office Space where the term no talent ass clown is first coined, I mean, I’m creative but not that creative, but you know who is that creative, Mike Judd)  so I will do my best to refrain from using that phrase.

The beauty of having your own blog is that you don’t have to answer to anyone and are free to write about whatever topics you feel are relevant and worth addressing.  Some of you may be familiar with the online magazine Grantland that was owned by ESPN and shutdown last month.  I frequently read their articles but the site’s founder, Bill Simmons, had a falling out with ESPN and was fired from the company.  The writers on the site were obviously constrained from addressing certain topics and Bill Simmons was suspended for a period by ESPN for his opinions about Roger Goodell.  Grantland is just one example of writers having to live with in the constraints of their editors, employers, and sponsors.  This generally makes for writing that is unable to reach it’s fullest potential because certain things have to be left unsaid.  The only thing inhibiting my writing is my wife and her distaste for certain things I write which she deems inappropriate or politically incorrect. (I actually considered publishing the site under the pen name Randy Coitus)  For example, Grantland was a sports and pop culture site and they had weekly recaps on the show Game of Thrones.  While their recaps were generally good, they were more focused on the critical aspects of the show, whereas my recaps were strictly for entertainment purposes and not a critique making them much more fun and interesting.

So, just to give you an idea where this thing could go I have written blog/emails about the following topics:

• The need to implement the concussion protocol at mall play lands
• Game of Thrones series recaps
• Why Justin Verlander doesn’t really care if he’s good anymore
• The alarming amount of elderly naked men who are constantly present at the gym where I am a member, seriously they have no shame.  For godsakes how hard is it to put a towel on, I realize it still won’t fully cover your sagging testicles, but it’s a start)
• The recent trifecta of life changes I have gone through (purchasing Uggs, Admitting my love for Maroon Five, and drinking Starbucks cold brew)
• The constant struggle between husbands and wives due to the fact that men think about sex 99 percent of the time (at least I do0  and women think about how they can avoid having it 99 percent of the time (at least my wife does, she’s always waiting me out hoping I will go to bed, she’s even gone to the point of watching DVR’ed episodes of Masterpiece Theatre which made me concerned that she was about to enter menopause).
• My trials and tribulations as a lions fan
• Interesting situations I have run into in the courtroom and goofy things my clients have done (I haven’t violated attorney client privilege, but I will say this, I had one divorce client who used he and his wife’s tax return to purchase a Boa Constrictor, interesting choice to say the least and probably shed some light as to why they were getting divorced)
• Game changing underwear.  (there are actually tiers of men’s designer underwear, which I may get into at some point in this whole blog process)
• How I would likely have them do an amber alert if I lost my phone but probably wouldn’t if I lost my kid. This was actually a post on Facebook where I used the phrase disconnect to connect and thought the entire Facebook world would see my post.  Little did I know that my wife had set my Facebook to send my posts to only me.  Why do they have that setting?  Why would you only post stuff on Facebook that only you can see?  Does that make any sense?  I kept checking my post looking for likes and comments and it was crickets.  Ultimately, I figured out what the problem was.

Future topics that I will likely address at some point in this blog if my wife doesn’t make me shut it down. (me starting a blog was actually her idea and i’m sure she will rue the day she suggested it to me)

• Is there such a thing as a dork gene? and if your child has it do you foster it or try to make it go away?
• If you’re not handicap is it wrong to use the handicap restroom or even the handicap shower at the gym, and why are there so many handicap parking spots?  It seems like there are an inordinate number of handicap parking spots and while the handicap license plate is primarily used to identify those who can park in handicap spots it also is effective in identify people who are on the roadway who are terrible drivers)
• Elf on a shelf for husbands
• An expose on a guy who is happily married disguising himself as a single guy so he can get the details on this whole tinder thing.
• How smart phones have revolutionized going to the bathroom (when is the last time you saw a magazine in someone’s bathroom)
• The idea of a mercenary for hire whose sole job is to fire people.  (I would love that job)
• Why the emergency vet I went to had a special waiting room for cats and how pathetic cat owners are (if you die your cat will eat you, your dog won’t, that’s a fact I read it on the internet)
• The demise of the spelling bee and how the omish will be the only ones competing because regular kids are too lazy and now have spell check.

I have decided to go ahead and get this thing rolling with a post about of all things, the Detroit Lions.  Now, I don’t want to turn people off who aren’t interested in sports by writing about sports, but this is really about much more than sports and it is likely one of a handful of blogs that will actually discuss sports.  So, jump on board and read away.  I welcome feedback if there is a way to give me feedback and I if you enjoy what you read pass it along.