Some time ago I told my brother and brother-in-law in two separate conversations that your friends, family, and society will let you down but there is one thing in this life I was certain wouldn’t let you down, Chipotle.  That’s right, I love Chipotle and have never been disappointed after leaving their restaurant.  However, Chipotle has been catching itself in the national headlines due to an alleged outbreak of E.Coli that has plagued some of its restaurants.  It has gotten so bad that their CEO went on national television to assure that they were going to do everything in their power to make eating there safe again instead of a fast food version of Russian Roulette with diarrhea as the risk instead of a bullet to the head.  In those two separate conversations I recounted a recent visit to Chipotle where the person making my burrito had the perfect combination of chicken, beans, brown rice, sour cream, cheese, hot salsa, and corn.  However the shell they were using was tearing apart as they tried to fold up my truly amazing burrito.  It was one of my more anxious moments in recent memory, and fortunately for my mental well being she was able to pull it together.

The most recent outbreak of EColi took place in Boston and involved students at Boston College University.  The news stories mentioned reported cases of diarrhea and vomiting.  This struck me as somewhat strange because who reports they have diarrhea after eating at chipotle and who do you report it to?  Is there some diarrhea reporting hotline out there?  “Diarrhea reporting hotline how can we help you?”  “Well, I have Diarrhea, where do we go from there?” “Well, is it the kind where it’s so explosive that you resemble Jeff Daniel’s character from Dumb and Dumber when his tea was spiked with Turbo Lax?”  Also, I have always half expected diarrhea when I eat at Chipotle and didn’t think a three or four day bout with it was something that was noteworthy nor worth reporting to some agency.

Twenty years ago this would have never made the headlines.  People were much tougher back then and they would have never went to the doctor the first time they gambled on a fart and came out on the losing end.(The savvy Chipotle veteran knows better than to let a fart unless they are firmly seated on a toilet within 48 hours of eating at Chipotle)  In my mind this is one of the problems with American society and why everyone else in the world hates us (the other reason is the Kardashians and that seems like a pretty easy fix, just make them move to Canada).  Honestly, there are people out there who get their lower extremities blown off by land mines and they have to figure out how to treat their injuries at home. Or, those who have the occasional rabid grizzly bear attack and are forced to patch up with one of those rudimentary home first aid kits.  What are these people to think when they find out that a bunch of people eating fast food (that most people in third world countries would consider gourmet) went running to the doctor’s office at first squirt?

While Chipotle’s CEO appeared on national TV to attempt and ease the fears of all it’s patrons, there is a much better way to deal with the Noro Virus rearing it’s ugly head at Chipotle and guarantee that Chipotle doesn’t end up in the National news for anything other than it’s amazing burritos.  I’m suggesting that Chipotle have their customers fill out a short survey with the following questions:

1. Do you feel like the option of wheat burrito shells is something that would enhance your Chipotle experience?
2. Would it help your dining experience if we actually hired workers who were attractive and didn’t have tattoos and multiple body piercings?
3. If your trip to Chipotle happens to coincide with explosive diarrhea and non stop vomiting will you be reporting this to the local health department or in the alternative the diarrhea hotline?

This survey would help them weed out their customers who do not have the intestinal fortitude to eat at Chipotle while also allowing them to gather information that could possibly enhance the experience of eating at Chipotle if that’s even possible.  (If you are already perfect is it possible to climb any higher?)

Up until today, the last time I ate at Chipotle was prior to this latest scare in Boston and the lines were quite short.   If this is what it takes to have short lines at Chipotle I say bring on the E.Coli, I’m even willing to start reporting my diarrhea if it will help keep the lines down.

So, today I figured hey why not give it a shot I haven’t engaged in any risky behavior in a while, Chipotle it is!  Also, I was worried that if I didn’t get out there and support Chipotle there was a good chance it was going to shut down. (even though their stock was up $5 a share to somewhere around $550 after their CEO saved the day by going on national TV) To my surprise, there was a long line.  While I wasn’t real excited about the line it was reassuring to see that Chipotle customers were loyal and there was little chance I would have to start eating at Moe’s or even worse Qdoba.    Sure enough once I got home I had a case of the Chipotles, which I think actually might be more psychological than physiological.

Fortunately, the increased stock price and long lines at Chipotle make it apparent that Chipotle isn’t going anywhere. (I still think it would be in their best interest to implement my survey)  This is a huge relief because I didn’t want to wast my 1000 calorie burrito lunch and two days worth of daily recommended salt intake on an inferior burrito like Qdoba or Moe’s, that would be quite disappointing and would likely lead to hours of regret and disappointment.    Now that Chipotle isn’t going anywhere how do we go about relocating the Kardashians to Winnipeg?