A couple of things before I get into another topic. First of all, the feed back has been mostly positive but certain people have indicated that I should probably tighten up my writing a bit. While I can’t make any promises I will do my best. Secondly, for those of you who don’t have any kids and have somehow stumbled upon my blog, I will try to write about things other than my kids at some point. I barely like my kids, actually most of the time I don’t, but they are such terrible monsters and my parenting style is so unconventional (that’s code for terrible) that they are able to give me quite a bit of material. While I loved the first six months of my oldest son Aiden’s life, I absolutely hated the first six months of Parker’s because it wasn’t new and exciting, it was arduous and painful. If I’m giving I better be getting an equal amount back in some shape or form and that doesn’t happen with a newborn, all those SOB’s do is take. However, looking back there was something nice about the 0-6 month stage of life, my kids were unable to manipulate and screw with me. They didn’t have the mental capacity or physical ability to do so, when they wanted something all they could do is cry to get their way. Now, they have a myriad of tactics they use to get what they want and they have slowly discovered all my weaknesses (these are qualities that could allow them to be great attorneys someday, but I pray to God they don’t pursue that career path)
While my children have a knack for driving me crazy in their demands for say chocolate before they have even had breakfast, their refusal to wear a coat when it’s 20 degrees outside, or their desire to wear a specific pair of sweat pants (I truly don’t get that, if I am in a pair of sweat pants I’m amazingly comfortable, it doesn’t have to be a specific pair of sweatpants to get to comfort nirvana) Christmas brings about a certain type of leverage that a parent just can’t get any time of year. “If you nimrods want to get any presents at Christmas you will let me sleep for another hour!” I can tell it’s going to be a particularly long day when I’m already threatening them with no dessert at 10am. Now, I don’t have to use my go to behavior modification tool (promise of dessert) I have Christmas presents to fill that void. As a parent you are fully aware, at least I am, as to what a terrible strategy it is to continually threaten your kids in order to get them to comply with your wishes, or at the very least just shut the hell up and stop whining. However, I haven’t really figured out what other alternative I have. Corporal punishment doesn’t really fit my style, yelling like a maniac and threatening them is more up my alley, and I think my kids would prefer a spanking as opposed to when I go nuclear, ranting and raving like a complete lunatic, there is nothing like the satisfaction of being able to see genuine fear in your kid’s eyes.
Unfortunately, like I previously noted, my kids have already picked up on what a truly weak person I am and noticed that I routinely cave into my very own self by purchasing and giving myself whatever I want. To my credit it did take me a second trip to Nordstrom Rack to purchase that pair of UGGS I had my eye on. “Oh, these are still here? It’s destiny I pretty much have to buy these, Try to be like Tom Brady, I wanna be I wanna be I wanna be like Tom Brady” (Michael Jordan is an Ahole) Truly, my kids probably think “dad caved in and bought a pair of boots that most women wouldn’t even wear, how hard will it be to get him to give us everything we want, it’s going to just take a bit of persistence.”
Fortunately, this time of year the whole threat of only socks and underwear at Christmas carries a lot of weight with my kids. I have always told myself that I’m not going to say the stupid things to my kids my parents said to me growing up, but when I say similar things to my kids it it is absolutely hilarious, as opposed to completely stupid when I routinely heard that from my dad when I was a kid. Doubling down on parental control, Scout, Santa’s Elf has increased the ease of Holiday parenting ten fold. If you are unfamiliar with Scout AKA elf on a shelf, he’s a toy like elf who you place around the house and he watches your kids and reports back to santa. My kids have actually been tolerable since Scout made an appearance in our house.
The creators behind Scout were smart in that they made a rule that kids can’t touch scout or he will leave permanently, reporting back to Santa about the inappropriate touching, (as everyone should do). If this rule was not in play I’m pretty sure every kid across the world would find some creative way to dispose of that bitch of a snitch Scout. A second great thing about Scout that allows my children to be enamored by him, instead of trying to flush him down the toilet is that he brings them treats at night. This is totally awesome mainly because I have stumbled on Scout’s treat stash. This daily treat reward for my kids is something my wife has taken to a completely new level. Parker and Aiden were eating Reeses Peanut Butter Christmas Trees the other morning. Fortunately, I somehow managed to have enough will power not to join them.
Scout likely has children across the world torn as to how to deal with his unwanted presence. He brings daily treats but at what cost? Children have to behave way more than normal and his web cam like presence and unfettered access to Santa directly threaten the ability to have an amazing and present filled Christmas. If I had to deal with Scout as a kid I would have likely eliminated him and taken my chances with Santa, how vengeful can a guy that looks that Merry be? He’s not a republican so I’m sure he would still given me the majority of the presents I was entitled to.
While Scout is a truly terrific concept, I’m frightened as to what is going to happen when Christmas is over and Scout has to head back to the North Pole to be reunited with Santa. Granted, if Scout is anything like our Christmas decorations, he will be around at least until the middle of January, the only problem is that Scout will have absolutely no pull with Christmas being over. Parker’s birthday isn’t until the beginning of February so I can’t start utilizing that to bribe him into tolerable behavior until, at the earliest, the middle of January. That leads me to one of the truly great things about being a parent; you can lie to your kids any time you feel like it and there are no consequences and in most cultures it is considered morally acceptable behavior. “Listen guys, I realize Scout went back to the North Pole last year after Christmas, but like your Grandma Nieboer, he really loves it here and will be dropping in unannounced, staying over night many times like her, and basically taking over our basement. (It’s no longer “Your” room Sue, it’s yours and scout’s room) The unfortunate thing for you guys is that he is going to be constantly reporting back to Santa on a weekly basis and your 2016 Christmas is going to hang in the balance based upon your behavior over the entire year, not just what your mom and I can remember. So, what that means for you guys is you really need to step it up and be on your best behavior.” I guess Cara is going to need to get a year supply of Reese’s Peanut Butter Christmas trees.
serenitynowinsanitylatercom 