When I was growing up there was a show called Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom.  I enjoyed watching it but it pales in comparison to a current show focusing on nature and animals, that being The Planet Earth.  In one episode they had a Cheetah or some type of feline with spots taking down a crocodile, it was F#*&ing awesome.  We have a bunch of them recorded and one thing that sticks out is how even in the animal kingdom males are programmed differently from females.  Species after species one thing rings true, males have a razor sharp focus on procreating, and that’s about it.  Their entire existence seems to be centered around passing on their DNA to the next generation, even if their DNA is compromised.  Even in the animal world it seems like the second a male ejaculates it just wants to be left alone.  There was a particular episode in Planet Earth where they were following a female grizzly bear and her two cubs.  The narrator indicated that they needed to stay at a high elevation in order to avoid the father because the father would likely eat the cubs.  Hey, that’s one way to get out of paying child support I guess.  Regardless, the nurturing instinct seems to be much more prevalent in the female gender than it does the male counterpart.

The nurturing instinct is not the only thing that sets the genders apart.  Just last Friday I had the privilege of attending a couple’s baby shower.  Yeah, that’s right, a couple’s baby shower.  Unfortunately there was no way for me to weasel my way out of this thing because Shirley was one of three women “hosting” the shower.  I have never heard of men having a baby shower for a father to be, nor have I heard of men having a grooms shower for a guy who has decided he no longer wants to have sex on a regular basis and thinks blow jobs are non essential.  The day of the shower I had an all day golf outing where I played 36 holes, man were my hands beat up after that many holes, not sure how those professionals can handle such an arduous lifestyle.  Shirley was hoping I would get home in time so we could ride together, purely by accident I made it home after she had left.  In hind sight it was the best thing that could have happened because by driving separately I was able to leave the shower early.   For the twenty five minutes I was there I kept thinking to myself “there’s no way women actually like these things, this is more painful than a BNI meeting”.  In discussing the whole shower thing with a couple of my law partners one of them said “women love that shit.”   My exposure to bridal and baby showers in not just limited to the couples shower I was strong armed into attending, Shirley has hosted at least a half a dozen showers at our house.  I will say I love having a penis, there’s so many reasons it comes in handy, but I love it even more after I see what takes place at these showers.  Is it the estrogen that compels women to organize these things? Or is it a lack of having anything worthwhile to do?  I guess it could be a combination of both.

I have routinely gone on golf trips or trips to Vegas flying solo.  One particular trip was at tree tops golf resort and after a heavy day of drinking and golfing the guy who organized the thing, and didn’t drink nearly as much as my brother or I, thought it would be cool to play their par 3 course which has a shit ton of hills and undulations.  My brother was driving the cart down a hill and managed to roll the cart so that I was the meat on the bottom of the sand which.  We skidded down the asphalt cart path and eventually came to a halt.  It’s a good thing my BAC was at lest four times the legal limit or I would have been a goner.  I ended up with a raspberry on my forehead (which is hard to cover up when you have no hair) one on my shoulder, and my ring finger on one of my hands looked like ground hamburger.  The crazy thing about my golf trips and Vegas trips are that I never see a group of women getting away to do this stuff.  Shirley always says to me when I’m going on these trips “Sure wish I could go on something like this.”  I always call her bluff and say go for it.  Unfortunately, the reality is for her and a lot of other women is that they A. Don’t have friends (at least friends that are as fun as guys) B. would have nothing to center their trip around:

“Becky, I am sick of my husband always going on these guys trips, why don’t we put something together with all of our friends and get away for a weekend to do girl stuff?”

“Girl power!  who do you think we can get to go with us?”

“There’s Kate, she was in that book club with us a few years back, I really like her, and we have kids the same age so that would give us something to talk about for most of the trip, do you still have her number?  If not I can probably reach out to her on Facebook”

“Kate would probably work, I could ask my sister-in-law, I don’t really like her but if we are looking for warm bodies she can probably make it.”

“I can’t really think of anyone else off the top of my head but I’ll work on being more friendly when I drop the kids off at school and maybe I can snare a mom or two that have kids in my kid’s class.  Worst case scenario we put something on Craig’s List to fill out the invite list.”

My buddy actually has a wife who does go on “girls trips” and she has one coming up this weekend.  I asked him how many chicks were going on this trip and he figured about 8.  I asked him what they do on this trip, I indicated that if there are any pillow fights in their under garments taking place they should faceboook live it for their husbands and boyfriends, he doubted any of that was going to be transpiring and thought it would be mostly them just sitting around cackling like a bunch of hens.  If my wife were to go on a girl’s trip this is my guess as to how it would shake out:

83% of the conversation would be about children, probably their own.

11% would be about how they try to avoid having sex with their husbands (not taking showers, shaving their legs, or trimming what needs to be trimmed, farting in front of their husbands as frequently as possible, maybe even forgetting to flush the toilet on occasion)

5% would be about where they wanted to go out to eat.

1% would be about the pros and cons of engaging in a pillow fight in their undergarments after consuming copious amounts of wine.

Ultimately, my question is this, why did Bruce do it?  Being Katelyn has got to suck.