Over the Christmas holiday we traveled to Arizona to hang out with Shirley’s sister and her sister’s family.  We flew out New Year’s eve day quite early in the morning and had to depart for the airport by 6am to give us the three hour cushion Shirley requires when traveling.  When we arrived at Phoenix Airport they had a system where you can check your luggage at the curb, this was quite a relief since we had 7 items of luggage that needed to be checked and I didn’t want to haul everything up to the ticket counter.  We were flying Southwest and a friendly looking gentlemen took our luggage and said “i’ll take your luggage for you.”  He was wearing a shirt with a southwest badge on it, making me think he worked for Southwest Airlines, however he said “i’ll take your bags for you” a second time, making me realize this guy required a tip.  Typically you don’t tip the people taking your bags at the airline counter so why would i tip this guy?  (why would I tip anyone for that matter, they are getting paid aren’t they?)  This is the dilemma I seem to run into every time i fly out at the end of a vacation.  By the end of a vacation I have typically spent all of my cash, on top of that Shirley never carries cash, so either I stiff someone who feels they deserve a tip, or I try to avoid utilizing any type of service that requires a tip.

In most scenarios I don’t feel bad about not tipping, but this guy was hauling seven items of luggage, including my golf clubs, and it was entirely possible that he would send all of our luggage to Billings Montana if he didn’t receive the requisite tip.  So, I hit the ATM and came back with a twenty, he indicated that he had change if I wanted it, to which I should have replied sure, bring me back $18, but I let him keep the entire amount figuring it was the last day of the year and this may make up for any tipping transgressions I had in 2016.(I am pretty sure this whole scenario would be a lot less confusing if the guy wasn’t wearing Southwest gear, and instead had on a uniform that indicated he was an independent contractor in charge of getting baggage from the curb to the TSA)

While out in Arizona I had the opportunity to play golf.  This exposed me to another tipping scenario, that while not at all confusing, is a complete pain in the ass as far as I am concerned.  Not all golf courses have this, and there should be some type of federal mandate outlawing this practice, but in certain settings a course will have person typically in their teens waiting for you to get done with your round to wash your clubs.  Once again you have to plan ahead for this event so that you have cash, and that it is the appropriate amount, and when I say appropriate amount, I mean not too much.  These kids typically give your clubs a half ass washing as they eagerly await you to fish some cash out of your pocket to hand over to them so they can go pounce on the next unsuspecting victim.  While a lot of people who golf like to arrive early to hit the range and drop a few putts, in my mind, arriving early to determine the club washing set up is far more important than bombing a few drives to get warmed up.

There’s a few ways you can deal with the golf courses that offer club “washing”.  First of all, you can suck it up and begrudgingly tip the kid who has given your clubs the once over with his already besmirched towel.  This is a method I rarely implement, but had no choice but to utilize when my brother in law dropped me right in froth of the club cleaning kid when I was golfing with him in Phoenix.  I gave him two bucks and headed for the parking lot, shoulders slumped, knowing that two dollars I forked over could have purchased my drink at Chipotle on the way home.  My brother in law thought two bucks was quite meager, but if you do the math, two bucks for 30 seconds of work comes out to $240 an hour,  a lot of strippers would be happy with that kind of hourly wage rate.

My typical approach when I see that there is a club washer in my path to the parking lot is to stop at the 18th green and unload everything in my possession into my bag. I then make sure I park the cart as far as possible away from the club washer, at no time do I make eye contact with the club washer, in fact it is essential to pretend like you don’t even realize they are there, once the cart is close to stopping I hop out, grab my clubs and make a mad dash for the parking lot.   The other approach to avoid tipping is to tell the club cleaner something like “my clubs got so dirty today there’s no way you can get them clean” and then take your bag off the cart and walk to the parking lot.  This is typically quite an awkward encounter and should only be implemented if you were unable to plan ahead and make a mad dash for the parking lot.

While I make it seem like I am super cheap and stingy when it comes to tipping, that is not the case in social settings where tipping is required by society.  I have no problem tipping a server in restaurant because they are providing a service I want done and I want down well.  However, there are scenarios where I feel tipping is superfluous and should be done away with.  When I go to pick up take out from a restaurant the receipt always has a tip line, why should I give a tip to someone who walks from the register to the kitchen to grab my food?  Is this a scenario where a tip should be handed out?  The last scenario that seems somewhat ludicrous to me regarding tipping is at Starbucks, when I am purchasing a $4 coffee am I suppose to leave a dollar tip?  Starbucks is ridiculously overpriced to begin with and by throwing another $1 away I feel like my caffeine addiction is almost as expensive as if I had a drug problem.  However, there are exceptions to the no tip policy at Starbucks, if the barrista who reminds me of Natalie Portman is preparing my coffee I am obligated to leave a tip, partially because I have a thing for Natalie Portman, and partially because it’s hazard pay for her having to deal with my overall creepiness.  (Oh, she knew my order ahead of time, she must dig me, or maybe it has something to do with the fact that the 300 previous times she made my coffee I ordered the exact same thing)