“Hello, could I please speak with Mr. Jizzma?”

“I’m not sure I should admit this, because you are either a solicitor or a telemarketer because you just butchered my name, but it’s the first time I’ve heard it pronounced that way, at lest that way not jokingly, so I’ll bite.”

“So, this is Mr. Jizzma?”

“Sure, I can be Mr. Jizzma today?  Who do I have the privilege of speaking with?”

“This is Bokur, I’m with MBNA credit cards, and I was calling about a debt that you owe my employer.”

“MBNA credit cards?  I haven’t had a credit card since I signed up for that Spirit card to get $50 off a flight to Vegas, turns out they had a $50 annual fee, really got screwed on that deal, suppose you need to read the fine print.  In all honesty, and I have taken out  a few credit cards, especially when I was just getting out of law school and living under the poverty line.  I honestly had to deliberate over purchasing a slurpee one time because I wasn’t quite sure it was financially feasible, then I just ended up buying two bags of doritos and the slurpee and putting it on my credit card.  Also, on top of the $50 annual fee on their credit card, which is complete and utter bullshit, their airline sucks, possibly the worst airline ever, and I have flown some shitty airlines, I have flown on Allegiant and I also flew on Air South from Grand Rapids to Ft. Lauderdale.  We made four stops on the way down there, fortunately none of them were emergency stops, they were all scheduled, but four stops on a flight that typically is 2 and  a half hours, that’s a sign of a mediocre airline right there, but Spirit is the absolute worst.”

“Sorry to hear that, no this MBNA credit card was actually taken out by you in 1994 in Panama City Beach Florida.  It had a $300 credit limit, but you now owe us $9,380.  with late fees and interest.”

“Holy shit, I do vaguely remember taking that credit card out to get a free t-shirt and to use in case of emergency if I ran out of money and needed to buy more beer and cold cut combos from Subway.  I think I set the world record for number of cold cut combos consumed in one week, by the end of the week my bowel movements were exactly a foot long.”

“The t-shirts suck everyone in, drunk college kids, educated professionals, and every one in between can’t resist the lure of a “free” t-shirt, they will run races through mud that require them to be electrocuted, sign up for credit cards they don’t want or need, or even hurdle over other spectators at sporting events risking death, just to try and get a free t-shirt.”

“Being Dutch it’s quite difficult to pass up free, while the car wash is a truly terrifying experience, they get me every time with their free vacuums, granted I have my own at home and it’s a much better set up, but I always feel like I’m getting one over on them when I use their vacuum, especially when I don’t actually get a car wash.  Unfortunately, it looks like this supposed free t-shirt is going to cost me around $9,000.  I can’t believe I could have been this delinquent in my payments, I have a credit score north of 800 and in all honesty would have thought I would have found out about this decades ago.”

“Do you still live at 601 College Park Drive Heights Illinois?”

“Hold on here, that was my address when I applied for the card, that’s where I went to College, you were sending my statements to that address?  Damn you Bernice!  Bernice was the person who worked in our mail room, she was bordering on corpse when I went there and I often times wondered if she was alive when I went to purchase stamps, but she somehow always managed to get me the right change and the proper number of stamps.  There’s little chance she’s still alive, even though she may have only been 37 at the time since everyone looked really old when I was in college.  Regardless, I need someone to blame and I’m blaming her.  Hopefully she’s dead so I can go after her estate for the $9,380 since she didn’t properly forward my mail to me.”

“Sorry sir, I don’t know what to tell you, what most kids your age did was immediately cancel the credit card, by the time their t-shirt had shrunk to the point it was no longer wearable their card was canceled?”

“Seriously, you want to blame this on me, I was in college, I’m a procrastinator, always have been and always will be.  This is what I do, I think to myself about things I should do, like say cancel a credit card, then I tell myself “I’m too busy watching tv to do that, I’ll take care of it tomorrow, and then tomorrow comes and I say the same thing until a tomorrow comes where I completely forget I even have a credit card and then decades later I’m $9k in the hole.  You want to know how long it took me to put my Y family membership on hold?  We stopped going there in April and I just put it on hold today, fortunately for the Y they just ran my automatic payment for July so now I can’t put it on hold for another month.  Who goes to the Y in the summer?  I didn’t even go there much in the winter when my kids were driving me crazy and there was absolutely nothing else to do, do you really think I am going to go there when it is sunny and 80 every day.  My oldest keeps saying he wants to go to the Y, I immediately want to ask him what the fuck is wrong with you?  People don’t actually go to the gym they merely acquire memberships to the gym so they can feel like they belong to something and tell other people they belong to something.  I’m seriously thinking about starting an internet gym, I’m quite confident it will be a huge hit.”

“It’s hard for me to relate to what you refer to as a gym, in India there are so many people that live here we don’t have room for frivolous things like gyms and we don’t have time for exercising.  Now, I am just calling as a polite reminder that you payment is now 7,678 days past due.  The minimum payment due is $20.”

“So, all you need me to pay is $20?  Wow, I spent more than $20 renting two movies from Red Box last week.  That’s right it’s under $2 a day but I kept telling myself I would watch the movies tomorrow and then a week later I hadn’t watched either one of the movies.  I think I actually watch maybe one out of every three movies I rent at RedBox, that would be a solid average if I was a major league baseball player, but I’m not, and even though a movie I have never heard of starring people I have never heard of with a Rotten Tomato score of 42% seems like a great idea at the time, it never really works out for me.  Also, I need to tell you I have a Netflix membership as well, I have been paying $8 a month for a movie that I have had at my house since November, my mom lost the return envelope when she was cleaning our house and I haven’t gotten around to requesting a new return envelope from Netflix, part of it is I have been quite busy and part of it is that I have no idea how to get a new envelope.”

“Once again it is hard for me to relate, we don’t have enough room in our tiny houses for television or dvd players so I really can’t sympathize with you.”

“Well then India must really suck if you have no need for gym and movie memberships that you never really use.  On top of that I took an uber home a while back, left my phone in the car, and ended up signing up for a find my phone app that takes out a monthly fee every month.  Turns out you  need your phone initially to be able to get it to actually find your phone when it comes up missing.  Granted, some people may have the foresight to do this, but not me, what good is a find your phone app that needs you to have your phone if you eventually want to be able to find your lost phone?  On top of that, now I don’t even know how to get the contact information to cancel the app I actually installed so there is absolutely no way I will ever be able to cancel the service, meaning they will be taking $7.95 from me every month until my debit card expires in August of 2017.  Part of me feels like I should lose my phone just so I can get my money’s worth.  Oh and my apologies ahead of time if you don’t have find my phone apps or uber over there, which I am sure you don’t because India sucks.”

“Well sir, can you make your minimum payment today?”

“Can I get back to you?  I really need to think about this.”