Everyone makes terrible decisions.  No matter who you are or how much common sense you have something is going to go wrong in your decision making process.  Wether it be that pair of skinny jeans that seemed to look fabulous in the dressing room mirror or that new spouse that you just had to have, choices are often done hastily and improperly.  Fortunately, or possibly unfortunately depending on how you look at it, my job is to fix peoples poor choices.  As a criminal defense and family law attorney I have seen some doozies over the years, the poor choices I have seen people make allow me to feel much better about that star wars action figure set I bought for $200 at a garage sale in Ionia prior to attending law school at a time in my life when I didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.  Furthermore, I don’t even think twice about when I bought that second pair of crocs when they had likely gone out of style (were they ever in style?  I’d like to think they were) after losing my first pair, in light of some of the decisions my clients have made.

However, there is one decision, which I initially wanted to blame on my wife, that is probably going to haunt me for the rest of my life.  Some may think I actually went through with that vasectomy reversal I had been contemplating (I really would like a daughter so that Shirley has someone to spend time with when Tod, Ted, and I are golfing, skiing or at Cedar Point)  but it’s much worse than that.  I bought the largest size container of crunchy peanut butter possible.  Not sure what I was thinking, but the other day I went to the cupboard to grab the peanut butter for a sandwich and discovered it was crunchy.  It was similar to the level of disappointment that occurs when I am expecting business time only to discover my wife in bed and sound asleep (some may say what’s the problem?  Unfortunately, she’s not that sound of a sleeper)  I’m not even sure why they make crunchy peanut butter.  First of all, it’s disgusting looking and second of all it’s rougher than a gravel road.

Have you ever tried to spread chunky peanut butter on bread? Unless your bread is made out of metal it completely destroys it.  On top of that it’s all nutty.  I have often thought to myself “I don’t like these nuts because they are way too nutty.”  Had I bought a normal sized container of crunchy peanut butter I could probably live with it, but it’s going to take months, if not years to get through this jar of peanut butter.  The best solution to solve the peanut butter conundrum is to make my kids eat it, but I haven’t introduced the crunchy peanut butter to my kids, and based upon the fact that the most innocuous of things is entirely unacceptable to them, they will throw a shit fit if I try to make them a crunchy peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  And while we are on the topic of nuts, why do they even bother growing any nuts besides peanuts, cashews and almonds?  Whenever someone receives mixed nuts they first eat out the cashews, then some of the peanuts get eaten, but when it becomes too difficult to sift through the other nuts that no one will eat to get to the peanuts the can just sits there for months until someone has the courage to throw it away.  Doe anyone even know what the nuts are called that accompany the peanuts and cashews in the mixed nut containers?

So, it looks like I am stuck with a gigantic jar of crunchy peanut butter until I either suck it up and eat it or just combine the peanut butter with something my kids like like sugar and get rid of it that way.  While crunchy peanut butter should be taken off the market due to it’s impracticality and the toll it takes on bread, what I really don’t understand is why anyone would put nuts in bread.  As I said, the problem with nuts often times is the nuts so I definitely don’t want nuts in my bread.  However, that seems to be the trend with the whole grain “healthy designer” breads these days.  Nothing stands out quite like actual nuts put into sandwich bread, it’s like a white guy trying out for corner back in the NFL “what are you doing here? the kicker try outs are over there by the field goal posts”  Nuts don’t belong in bread people, you know where they belong, with other nuts, that’s the only place they should be, hanging out with other nuts.  If  you want to  ruin a perfectly delicious chocolate chip cookie you put nuts in it.

While I can’t think of many things that nuts actually make better, there is one flavoring that completely destroys food even more than throwing nuts into it.  Banana,  that’s right even banana flavored crack would probably be terrible, that and green apple, green apple is down right disgusting, and if they decided to replace lemon flavor skittles with Banana flavoring I’m done.  I’m going straight to the sixth circuit court of appeals and getting an emergency injunction requiring the Skittles candy company to put lemon flavor skittles back into their candy and to require the person who came up with the idea of banana flavored skittles to have to wear a banana suit while they tight rope over Niagara Falls. Like I said, I love Skittles enough to pick out the green ones, but theres no way I can pick out the green and yellow ones, that’s just asking way too much out of me.  I suppose there is the option of switching over to tropical flavored skittles but that would be like dating a super model and then marrying anyone else.

Banana flavoring is so repulsive that I actually have never even gone near the banana slurpee dispenser at 7-11, it’s the slurpee flavor most akin to plutonium.  I love slurpees and would shower in them if it wasn’t cost prohibitive and likely frowned upon by 7-11 employees.  However, the true test for my banana disdain, and I am sure it will come to this someday since Starbucks is already struggling to come up with new seasonal flavors (they care currently trotting out butterscotch this season) is if Starbucks comes out with a banana flavoring.  Sounds pretty crazy doesn’t it?  Well, you know what else sounded crazy 10 years ago?  Paying four bucks for a cup of Coffee.  “I’ll take a Venti Cold Brew Ice Coffee with two pumps of banana flavoring and a little half and half.”   I love you Starbucks.