The original movie Back to the Future and the sequels that followed did a fairly good job of forecasting what the future actually held for those who were able to stick around and find out.  However, had they depicted an internet site that allowed the most obnoxious of individuals (your friends) to shamelessly brag about themselves, document how amazing their lives are on an hourly basis, launch multi level marketing careers (pyramid schemes) that take advantage of fat people, and post endless amounts of pictures of themselves doing the most mundane of things all well making billions of dollars for it’s founders most people would have thought to themselves “the Cubs winning the world series, that’s plausible, an apparatus that turns garbage into fuel that could happen, but whatever that internet thing is and that thing they are claiming will be it’s most popular site, no way that could happen!”

The phenomenon is hard to believe, it’s like a girlfriend that is entirely crazy but she’s good in the sack so you keep going back to her hoping she doesn’t eventually boil your rabbit and possibly kill you in the process.  Every time you get done with what she’s good at your entire body fills with regret and you ask yourself how did I get here again? Damn you penis!  You’re going to be my down fall someday, I still love you, but come on we have to start making better decisions.”  How many times have you either went into the Facebook app or pulled up their site on your computer only to ask  yourself 20 minutes later “how did that just happen?  I just wasted another 20 minutes of my life, I would have been better off watching Telemundo, at least I could have possibly picked up some Spanish.”

This past weekend Shirley and I were traveling up North for a ski weekend (neither one of us skied, but we pretended like we were going to to justify taking a weekend off from our kids, and let me tell you it was marvelous, I took a three hour nap in the condo while everyone else was out on the slopes, and Shirley was working remotely).  On the way up to the Petoskey area Shirley was on Facebook catching up on all of her good friends on Facebook (people she never talks to but knows intimately, even more intimately than her co-workers who she sees everyday, because of the fictitious lives her so called friends have created on Facebook)

There is one person in particular who she somehow still has as a friend of hers on Facebook.  The moment I met this friend I knew she was a complete phony and had a difficult time even being in her presence.  In person she went out of her way to name drop and make sure I knew that she was on her way to a meteoric rise in whatever career she had chosen to focus upon and grace with her presence.

She is completely obnoxious on Facebook as well and posts endless selfies and make as many post as she can to illustrate how truly amazing she is and how unbelievable her life is, even though she lives in Detroit, come on nobody is dumb enough to believe that your life is amazing if you are living in Detroit, plus she is pushing 40 and not married and has no kids so…. maybe that isn’t so bad, but the Detroit thing, yeah I see right through that one.

So, why put yourself through that? There is nothing that is compelling Shirley to remain friends with this obnoxious self promoter on Facebook, she never talks to her in real life.  On top of that, if the wheels fall off and this person’s life begins to completely crumble, which I am hoping will happen sooner rather than later, they aren’t going to post “hey, just filed for bankruptcy because I maxed out six different credit cards, had to give six different guys handies because that was the only way I was going to afford my daily dose of crack, and on top of that I drive a Kia.”  Life continues to be glorious on Facebook no matter what actually is transpiring in someone’s life.

This past weekend I also received a text from a friend of mine, we share a mutual disdain for a certain person, and once again that person posted something entirely obnoxious on Facebook.  When this person isn’t being obnoxious on Facebook, his wife typically is, continually lauding his accomplishments even though he’s a complete ding dong who rarely helps out his wife with anything and has absolutely no self awareness.  Had Facebook not existed, or had either one of us not paid attention to it, this idiot would be at the back of both of our minds and never make his way to the front.  However, since his wife is continually trying to portray an amazing life with her other worldly husband (who I am pretty sure no one else would have wanted), amazing kids, and a lifestyle do die for their obnoxiousness is always lurking around every corner.

Now there are steps that can be taken to make Facebook palatable, but why would you want to?  What is the point to having it in your life?  Someone who I like very much has a significant other who has used Facebook as a platform to launch her career in a multilevel marketing scheme that has made her more money than she would ever be capable of making anywhere else.  She actually brags about how much money she earns on Facebook, or at least use to brag, I de-friended her because I couldn’t take it anymore and it was turning me into an even more bitter person than I had previously been, which is saying quite a bit.  Seriously, telling the whole Facebook world how much money you make?  Can you imagine getting a megaphone, standing on a street corner, and telling every passer by what your income was for 2015?  Was that net or gross?  On top of the information about how she was killing it, she also posted at least 43 selfies a day.  Fuck you!

The most happy I have been recently, other than when Aaron Rodgers and the Packers lost in heart breaking fashion to the Arizona Cardinals in the playoffs, was when the Facebook app on my phone was on the fritz.  I never went on Facebook and was completely oblivious to what was going on in the lives of my “friends” on Facebook.  The reality is that Facebook is primarily used to see how much better you are doing than people you went to high school or college with, or how much better they claim to be doing than you.  Facebook sucks people, it truly sucks.

Now, just when I didn’t think it could suck any worse, I have been getting bombarded by advertisers on the rare occasion I actually decided to creep on somebody on Facebook.  Seriously, I don’t need an advertisement for a penis pump following me around the internet, I was just wondering how they work, I wouldn’t ever think of actually using one, do they work?  Good thing I wasn’t in Shirley’s Amazon account when curiosity got the best of me.  Those things can’t actually work can they?  If they worked they would make more money than Apple and Microsoft combined, right?  Regardless of the functionality of a penis pump I need to at least get rid of my Facebook app, anyone know how to do that?  Is it even possible?  I’m concerned Mr. Zuckerberg has not only figured out a way to follow me around on the internet, but also how to keep me from ridding my life of Facebook.    I hate you Facebook!  I wonder how many likes my post got today?