Let me first start off by saying this Corona thing has been great.  That may come as startling news to some of you, but the kids have been quarantined in Fremont with Shirley’s aunt since Sunday night and the last few days have been amazing.  Monday night Shirley and I played a game of Quirkle, followed by the movie Ford v. Ferrari (solid I would recommend to both boys and girls, Shirley even enjoyed it), followed by Shirley and I disregarding the call for social distancing.  (the social distancing thing does have me concerned that wives are going to play that card as yet another excuse to avoid their wifely duties). Last night we watched Black Waters, a movie about a corporate attorney who flips to the other side and represents a wronged farmer in West Virginia who Dow chemical company bent over and shoved a bunch of harmful chemicals up his ass both literally and figuratively.  This movie is a slow burn but really good, however it is frightening that such a disregard for public safety can go unabated and unregulated for decades.  The unfortunate thing is that all good things eventually come to an end.  Today I have to pick the kids up, and while in theory I miss them, in actuality I don’t and I have grown quite accustom to my kidless lifestyle.

One more thing, I also am in charge of bringing their cousin Maddy back home with me.  However, I do not have a booster seat for her.  The exact text I received from her dad was “Do you need to come get a booster?  Thanks for getting Maddy too”. Now being a D, which I will get into later probably played into my interpretation of the text.  However, it seems that even though I am doing the favor I’m the one who needs to go out of my way to get the booster seat.  The appropriate text would have been “Do you need a booster seat for Maddy? I can bring one over or we can meet up on your way.  I still think you’re a dick” (he thinks I’m a dick, and is probably right).  Normally I would respond with a text putting him in his place and beginning a family feud likely to put a chasm between the two of us more insurmountable than the national debt.  Fortunately, I learned my lesson the last time I did such a thing and I merely responded “I don’t have booster with me and I am down at my office and was planning on heading to Fremont from here.”  What I really wanted to do is fuck with him.  I wanted to text him that I was already on the way back with the kids and that I put a phone book under Maddy to compensate for the lack of a booster seat.  This would have sent him into a frenzy and its likely his head would have likely exploded on the spot.

As far as me being a D, it was something I suspected all along and was confirmed a couple weeks ago after taking a test.  My mother in law has a program that she offers where you can take DiSC profile workplace test.  The test is meant to determine what type of work personality that you have by having you answer a series of questions.  You can strongly agree, agree, be neutral, disagree or strongly disagree with each question/statement.  A couple questions that stuck out:

Q: You have no patience for people who waste your time

A: Strongly agree (fuck yes!)

Q: You care for others feelings

A: Strongly disagree (fuck no!)

This is what the test determined about me:

Even me, the most optimistic of people is having a hard time keeping my head up and pushing forward through this pandemic.  The most problematic thing is that every time I think of something I don’t want canceled or delayed five minutes later it’s shut down:

• March Madness- Canceled
• NBA season- Postponed
• Schools- Shut down
• MVP- Shut Down
• Bowling Alley’s- Shut Down
• Restaurant’s- Shut Down (but you can get carry out as long as there are only five customers at a time waiting for their food and they remain six feet apart as they wait)

This entire thing feels somewhat arbitrary and capricious.  Here’s an idea, instead of putting everyone into quarantine, how about putting those who are high risk into quarantine and let everyone else go about their normal business so this thing spreads and runs its course?  Basic math would tell you that this is not as dire as the media and the government want the citizenry to believe:

3,487 known cases in the United States out of 370 million people.  That is .0009% of the population that has been inflicted with corona.

56 known cases in Michigan out of roughly 9,800,000 people.  That is .0006% infection rate in the Great Lakes state.

I get that there are plenty of cases out there that have not been diagnosed due to a lack of symptoms or people thinking they have something else.  However, Fox News interviewed a high risk person who contracted the virus on a cruise and ended up being tested because they were on the cruise not because they were symptamatic.  Neither he or his wife became sick even though they had the virus.

I have kept quiet all season long about my coaching exploits in the YMCA Mary Free Bed boy’s basketball league but now that the season is winding down it’s time to hit some of the highlights of the season.  First of all I need to divide it into two segments, I was head coach for Parker’s team and assistant coach on Aiden’s team so I will cover Parker’s team first and then discuss Aiden’s and his team’s progression through what has been a trying season primarily due to the wide gap between 3rd and 4th grade boys.

Going into the final game prior to Christmas break I was on the fence about a second session, but that game, which in hindsight was a complete anomaly, was akin to Hickory High when they finally listened to Gene Hackman and put it all together.  They were passing, they were scoring, they were playing D.  So, I got the band back together for the second session.  However we had a few casualties to ski season and picked up four new players to take the place of the two we lost.  With a full roster and the team gelling I was ready to start kicking some first grade butt.  However, the Y threw a curve ball my way.  At our first practice with the new squad one of the parents was there to introduce himself and tell me his son was EI (emotionally impaired).  Part of me wanted to respond “aren’t we all?”  But I remained stone faced and empathetic.  EI went on to make one kid almost twice his size cry during our initial practice along with attacking a number of the other players on his team.

The first and second game of new half of the season saw me handing the reigns over to my assistant coaches while I vacationed in Costa Rica.  When I returned I found out EI attacked our point guard when the point guard didn’t pass him the ball.  Guess what?  Other than the anomaly game heading into Christmas Break our point guards have passed the ball a total of zero times.  If passing the ball was a criteria for point guard attacks our squad would be the WWF of the Y league.  Fortunately my assistant saw the attack coming and was able to intervene.  Also, fortunately for our point guard I wasn’t there because I would have probably let it play out for a couple of reason.  First of all, I could have told all of the aspiring point guards on my team (every single kid on my team because they ask me after every break;  “Can I be point guard! Can I be point guard!) that that is what happens when you don’t pass the ball, EI attacks you.  Secondly, EI would probably be suspended for at least one game if not the season.  While I don’t think the Y has implemented a policy regarding fighting your own teammates I would assume the policy about fighting opponents would still apply and the punishment for taking out your own point guard would be the same as taking out the opposing point guard.  I found out later on that EI is also enrolled in karate due to the fact that his dad informed me he wouldn’t be at a game because he was getting his black belt in karate.  Good to know EI will be able to karate chop his way to a special place in his point guard’s heart.

Upon my return I ran up against a total bro who was probably in the Forest Hills system. He was wearing bedazzled jeans and came up to me before the game and said “can we try to keep the teams on the floor even?”  What I think he meant was I am going to play my best players as much as possible but you should play all your players equally even if they suck.  It was like Ground Hog’s day once play began, one kid on my team who always gets hurt every practice and every game got hurt and EI mauled friend and foe.  While they don’t keep score in first grade, we were getting curb stomped and I was thankful that the clock was winding down and then out of no where Broseph called a time out with a minute left in the fourth quarter.  I didn’t even know we had timeouts nor had  I witnessed anyone call a timeout the entire season.  We don’t keep score why the hell would you call a timeout?  I tried to keep it together and gave Broseph the benefit of the doubt and waited to see if he called the timeout to get a different player in, possibly his son, so his son could get a garbage time bucket.  No such luck, he didn’t sub in a new player I think the timeout was to run particular play (my teams only play is to have the point guard pick up his dribble 40 feet from the basket and for all four other players to continually yell his name).  I’ll be honest, while it was rewarding to see my team put it all together for one game, the 32 minutes a week I coach Parker’s team (4 eight minute quarters) are the longest 32 minutes of my week.

Aiden’s team was a different kind of frustrating, most of the season we played fourth grade teams.  This would have been fine if we had a few fourth graders but we don’t and the difference between fourth graders and third graders is the difference between a major league DH that uses HGH and one that doesn’t.  Most of the games we lost were by thirty points or more and we only had one game where we even sniffed a victory, ultimately losing by 6.  One particular game was more demoralizing than finishing last place at the special olympics with a team of unspecial players.  This game involved a team with a player whose dad plays regularly at MVP, we call him injury Tim because he has been the cause of a number of catastrophic injuries at MVP.  His son hit a 3 and did the 3 finger gesture on the side of his head (what a dick).

However, I had never seen a kid even attempt a 3 let alone make one so I was caught off guard by the attempt and corresponding make so I didn’t offer a response to his dad who was standing by the gym exit roughly 40 feet from me.  He hit another one and did the feed me gesture (what an asshole)

Did I kind of wish he was my kid? Of course I did, but mainly because I would punish him severely for showing other kids up and being a raging asshole.  This time his father and I locked eyes and I made sure his dad realized how inappropriate I thought this was.  His dad just started laughing and appeared to think it was great.  After the game I went over and spoke to injury Tim and said to him he should probably advise his son not to continue showing up opponents because someday he will run into the YMCA version of me on the court and his opponent will take him out.  In hindsight I wish I would have used a timeout so that I could have instructed one of our least important players to teach the kid a lesson.

This morning when I got back from hoops Shirley asked me if I would take the kids into school because they had specifically requested that I do so.  It’s not because I am a better driver, which I am, it’s not because we stop for doughnuts on the way to school, no it’s because I typically let them have my phone so that I can listen to the Free Beer and Hot Wings show on the way in.  However, Shirley knowing this said “you know I never let them have devices on the way in and we have some great conversations.”  Well, wouldn’t you know it, once we made it into my car Parker immediately asked “Dad, can we have your phone?”  I’ll be honest a part of me almost handed it over but I thought to myself “screw that!”  I”m going to make sure they don’t want me taking them to school anymore, I am going to converse with them.  I told them no and said let’s just talk.  “THERE’S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT!” was their immediate response.  Well, we have been watching the Mandelorian, a series on Disney and we started it on Sunday night.  I’ll be honest, I dodged a bullet by turning my kids on to that show because we were quite close to watching Frozen 2 until I suggested the Mandelorian.  Now we are all hooked primarily because of baby Yoda.  The Madelorian is totally bad ass but baby Yoda is what keeps you coming back.  The funny thing is, even though I have assured Parker that baby Yoda eventually becomes adolescent Yoda (it’s gotta be awkward) and then adult Yoda and that he lives to 900, he still is concerned every episode that baby Yoda is going to be terminated.

Ultimately the Mandelorian conversation went no where and I was close to handing over my phone and admitting defeat.  However, I decided to give it one last shot and asked the kids what they talk about with Shirley on the way in to school.  Aiden said politics and immediately I thought to myself that Shirley lied to me when she said her conversations with them are interesting.  However, it probably wasn’t a lie, she listens to NPR so she may actually think politics are interesting.  The mention of politics elicited a question from Aiden that made me come to the realization that I am really old.  He asked who the presidents have been in my lifetime.  At first I thought Nixon, but I was pretty sure he resigned due to the Watergate scandal before I was born leading to our one and only President who was never elected as Vice President or president, Grand Rapid’s one and only Gerald Ford.  Jimmy Carter was next and I explained to the kids that the most significant event that occurred during his watch was the Iran hostage situation.  That involved trying to explain what a diplomat is as well as why every country in the Middle East hates us except Israel.

This conversation began to bore Parker and he said “when do I get to talk?”  Followed by “how old to you have to be to get a credit card?”  I responded that you had to be 18 and he replied I’m getting one when I am 13, he is his mother’s son just like Aiden trying to steer the conversation back to U.S. history is following in my footsteps since I ended up being a history major in college (it was a long and winding road).  Parker had somehow wrestled the floor away from his brother and had a question/statement about credit cards; “you can get a car with a credit card”.  I said not typically, it would be a huge no no in Dave Ramsey’s book, basically breaking everyone of his rules, but it is conceivable that you could do this I guess likely plummeting your credit score but on the bright side the credit card company is going to try and repossess your car if you stop making your monthly minimum payments.

I managed to refocus and told Aiden that Regan was president for 8 years but didn’t get into trickle down economics even though both my kids would instantly see how flawed such an economic philosophy would be.  I also didn’t get into Iran Contra either because I wanted them to think Republicans are the more moral of the two parties.  Moving on to George H. Bush there was little to say about his presidency and Bill Clinton there was little I could say.  Even though it wasn’t that long ago I still had to check myself and make sure that George W was in the White House for two terms, he was, proving that anything is possible and likely paved the way for the unimaginable, Donald Trump as our president.  I mentioned Barrack Obama but didn’t go into detail about him knowing that Shirley probably covered everything on his presidency with the boys.

Having hit all of the presidents and some of their highlights/lowlights Parker now piped in wondering what he could bring to college.  My response was pretty much anything as long as it is legal.  The reason he asked is because he wanted to make sure he could bring his X-box, the X-box he plans on owning in the future and that Shirley will eventually buy him because she loves video games almost as much as the kids do.  Both of them wondered if they could take pets to college and I indicated that the only pets they would likely be able to bring were either hermit crabs (ours may somehow still be alive when the kids leave for college) or fish.  What do you know, we somehow managed to make it all the way to school without a single second of screen time, what a relief, now I could just turn my brain off and get back to the Free Beer and Hot Wings show.

A little over ten years ago my wife made the mistake of marrying me, exacerbating that mistake by having two kids with me shortly after our nuptials.  That mistake would have been easily fixable without kids but now she has very few options that don’t complicate her life more than it already is if she wants to get rid of me.  To celebrate that mistake (and huge win on my part) we went to Costa Rica, but not right after our wedding (7/11/09) but instead in the winter/spring we honeymooned. (it’s hard to really point to a date when winter becomes spring in Michigan even though the calendar gives us one every year)  We didn’t know a ton about Costa Rica when we booked our trip ten years ago.  On our honeymoon we flew into San Jose and headed to Santa Teresa which is on the Pacific Ocean.  We took a prop plane from San Jose and when we landed we were an hour from the hotel we were suppose to stay at that night.  Speaking no Spanish and with no one at the airstrip speaking English left Shirley and I in a bit of a panic when we landed.  Miraculously we were able to point and gesture our way to finding our hotel for  with a local Costa Rican (Tico) at the wheel.  I realize its hard to visualize life without GPS and a phone guiding you wherever you need to go, but we didn’t have the benefit of any technology to get us there, just a general idea of where the place was, and to make matters worse they don’t have street addresses in Costa Rica.

For the rest of the time we were on the Pacific we stayed at a Villa and we told the owner we were concerned about the weather because the long range forecast had thunderstorms in it almost every day.  He just laughed at us and told us it doesn’t rain there from September to May.  He was right, it was sunny and 90 every day we were there.  Ultimately we left the sunny warm weather on the Pacific for the rainy gloomy weather of La Fortuna (the rain forest) to end our honeymoon.  It was a tough adjustment but in the Rain Forest’s defense there was some spectacular stuff to see and we went zip lining over a waterfall that included runs that were over one thousand meters long and three hundred meters high.

So, to celebrate ten years of somewhat wedded bliss we decided to recreate our honeymoon but with one exception, we brought the kids with us.  There are quite a few cons to bringing your kids with you on any vacation, but we had one thing going for us, at least we thought we had one thing going for us, they are both in Spanish Immersion and were going to be our interpreters if we ran into any language barriers on the trip.  We arrived in San Jose Costa Rica on the 17th around 9pm and stayed at the Hampton Inn I only mention this because on our honeymoon Shirley booked the Holiday Inn for us but instead of in Costa Rica she booked the Holiday Inn in San Jose California.  Whoops!  Fortunately I am a very forgiving and tolerant person and let it slide (She probably should have got out right then and there base upon what should have been deemed an honest mistake).  This time we headed up to the Rain Forest first to get the cloudy miserable part out of the way in the beginning and not the end.  Our first go round we stayed right in the town near the Volcano but this time Shirley booked a place that was a nature preserve right in the middle of the jungle.  When you go to a foreign country there are plenty of things you need to get use to, like in Canada they have a place called the beer store and they only sell beer there and you have to go to another store to by liquor, it’s even more inefficient than socialized medicine if you ask me.  Well, in Costa Rica when you wipe your butt (or I guess your vagina, I think that’s what women do after they pee) you have to put the toilet paper in the trash can because their septic can’t handle butt wipe.  This obviously takes a few wipes to get use to and I found myself throwing some TP in the toilet every now and again.

Through some miracle it was sunny and 85 the entire time we were in the Rain Forest (other than at night of course, it’s not Alaska, it does get dark there).  So, we ended up spending some time by the pool and I had to use the restroom.  I went into one of the stalls by the pool and it had the handiwork or Parker written all over it, it was a grade A plug job with at least a half a roll of toilet paper in it.  I came out and asked Parker if he plugged the toilet and he was so eager to respond its as if he left a painting of the Mona Lisa in the stall.  Unfortunately, as proud as he was, he was unwilling to go tell one of the employees in Spanish that he had plugged the toilet. However, it looked like it could become a code red at any moment so I told Aiden to tell one of the workers. I also told him to emphasize the fact that it was his brother and not him that plugged the toilet.  Didn’t want Aiden having the help spit in his pineapple juice when Parker was the one who actually plugged the toilet.

After two nights in the jungle (I still hadn’t had sex on the trip due to the fact that the kids were sleeping in the same room as us and each of them was in one of our beds) we headed for the Pacific Coast.  This involved a couple hours of driving and catching a ferry that was dropping us off near the hotel we were staying at that night (same room again with the kids so the vacation sex draught was likely to continue).  I did all of the driving in Costa Rica, why you ask?  For one, I am an excellent driver, and on top of that Shirley has the depth perception of Mr. Magoo.  The roads in Costa Rica are winding and rarely is there a straight away, this type of topography would be problematic for the survival of our family if Shirley was driving.  Was there a price to pay for me driving all the time?  Of course there was, Shirley was constantly telling me how to drive and flipping out anytime I passed someone on a curve (nobody drives all that fast there so if a head on collision was going to happen we likely would have survived).

One of the other problems with Costa Rica besides their lethargic septic systems, is that all the roads are windy, the people are mostly terrible drivers (handicap drivers in Prius’s are better than 90% of the people on the roadways of Costa Rica), and the roads there make Michigan’s look like a super high way with all the potholes and straight up holes they have in them.  So, it’s often hard to tell how long it is going to take to get somewhere and every thing is in Kilometers making it even more difficult to figure out since my brain only knows how miles work.  We needed to make it to the ferry in time to catch the 2pm or we would have to wait until 5 for the next one.  Thanks to my excellent aggressive driving we made it with time to spare.  Shirley took the kids with her to buy tickets to the ferry and gave me the original ticket for the car.  They boarded the fairy while I waited in line to get the car on.  However, when I got to the front ready to drive on the fairy the guy taking tickets would not let me on.  He kept pointing to my ticket indicating he couldn’t accept it.  He tried to translate what he needed to say into English with his phone but I figured out that he required the copy of the ticket not the original.  I hopped out of my Suzuki praying that someone would drive it off the pier and ran onto the fairy shouting “Shirley!” at the top of my lungs like a complete maniac.  It was reminiscent of Brando shouting Stella in a Street Car Named Desire.  Wouldn’t you know it, Shirley made her way to the front of the boat with the kids, exasperated I managed to run back with my copy and board the ferry as the vehicles piled up behind me.  I’m sure the people lining up behind me were thinking the Spanish version of “fucking Americans” the entire time I was tracking down Shirley.

The ferry ride was uneventful and it was probably a good thing that Shirley switched our hotel from the city where we left from on the ferry (which resembled a war zone) to a hotel near the ferry with an Infiniti pool and a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.  The owner of the hotel was from Switzerland and it probably goes without saying, was attractive.  Not sure how she ended up in Costa Rica but with all the pussy running around the place my head was starting to spin.  Yes, there were actual stray cats on the grounds of the hotel and one of them found their way into our room.  Ultimately I was forced to grab it by the tail and pull it out from under one of the beds while it tried to scratch and bite me, I wouldn’t even put up with that kind of behavior from Jasper and he can pee on a toilet.  That night we had dinner at the hotel with another couple we had just met at the pool, their kids ate at the table with our kids and the meal was heavenly, I don’t even remember what food was served but to eat dinner with another couple and engage in adult conversation was amazing.  The next morning the kids headed to the pool and I saw my window, which didn’t need to be a big window, only about a 45 seconds, heck our kids couldn’t have even drowned in the window that I required.  It was a much needed release before we set sail for our final destination on the Pacific Coast.

If you live in the north you know that February is the worst month of the year.  That being said, us Michiganders have had it fairly easy so far this year.  Very little snow and temperatures that have been unseasonably mild.  The Farmer’s Almanac was predicting a mild and wet winter and so far that is how it has played out.  Despite the balmy temperatures, a lack of sunshine has caused some suicidal thoughts on my part.  However, as of this week we had yet to get a snow day, and when I say we I mean my kids.  Unfortunately, the powers that be at NPC realized this and decided to take two days off this week due to illness so they could disinfect the school.  Normally that wouldn’t be a big problem, but the Jansma’s are heading to Costa Rica today and we really could have used the two days in school so that Shirley and I could focus on work before we left.  We managed with Shirley taking the kids Wednesday and working from home and me taking the kids yesterday (notice I didn’t say and working from home).  My job isn’t real conducive to working from home.  Parker hit the jack pot though, it was his birthday Thursday and while I made him a cake from scratch, he and Aiden played on my phone and other electronic devices.

Lunch time rolled around and the kids decided to pass on their number one lunch go to, Jimmy John’s, in favor of Chipotle.  They both wanted burritos instead of the standard Cheese Quesidilla (the profit margin on these is 99.9%).  Did I think it was a complete waste of money to get them burritos the size of my head (not their heads, they take after Shirley’s side of the family and have abnormally large heads, especially Aiden)?  Of course I did, but it was Parker’s birthday so I figured why not.  After I got done eating my burrito and watching them struggle even to hold on to theirs without its contents falling into their lap I went tanning and then headed home.  I had a bunch of shit to do so I told them they could watch Return of the Jedi which required me trying to figure out how to use my phone for a remote control for our Apple TV. It was similar to my mom trying to figure out how to put photos on her Craig’s List adds peddling her antiques.  Fortunately, I could feel my kid’s pain as I asked them how to turn my phone into a remote having gone through the Craig’s list photo posting experience multiple times with my mom.  Parker showed an incredible amount of patience wich along with his big head must have come form Shirley’s side of the family.  Eventually I transformed my phone into a universal remote and the kids opted for the Simpsons instead of Return of the Jedi.

As I was packing and getting things done around the house, my kids called an audible and were able to watch YouTube through my phone on the television, my head almost exploded at the thought of trying to accomplish such a feat on my own at the age of 45 let alone at the age of 7.  The strange thing is my kids when given the option of watching a classic cartoon show like the Simpson or watching someone play video games, choose watching someone play video games.  After running to D n W to pick up some stuff for parker’s birthday party that night I decided to hang with my kids.  I told them no more you tube and we started to watch another Simpson’s episode.  However, Parker was bored with the Simpsons and wanted to watch Rick and Morty.  I was flabbergasted that he knew what Rick and Morty was and that he wanted to watch it.  For those of you who don’t know, it’s hilarious and it is on Cartoon Network but only late, really late.  It’s adult themed but it does bleep out the F word when Rick drops a bomb, which is quite often.  Since my kids already know what the F bomb is I figured why not?  My question is, is it bad parenting to expose them to this if they already know all the bad words that are being said and don’t really catch the adult themed humor?  This particular episode was somewhat innocuous because it involved Morty being targeted by a planet of snakes who were sent to kill him because he had altered their time space continuum by killing an astronaut snake from their planet when he was with Rick in outer space and then trying to fix his error by replying the alien snake with a snake from earth.  Hilarious right?  However, there was an episode where Morty ends up getting a sex bot and only leaves his room to rehydrate (I think he is 13 or 14 in the show).  I’ll probably save that one for when they are about to explode into puberty.

Regardless of the indiscretion I used, Shirley’s aunt and grandma rolled in for the birthday party mid Rick and Morty so we had to shut her down.  My mom and dad along with Shirley’s sister and her two kids also eventually showed up for the festivities.  Things went well, cheese pizza is probably the easiest way to bring together meat eaters and vegetarians.  However, the cake I made was not nearly the hit I had hoped it would be.  My mom decorated it and it looked great.  While serving it’s purpose for photo ops with the birthday boy (my mom also made a raspberry pie but you can’t take a birthday photo with a raspberry pie in front of you) it lacked in actual functionality. To be honest it was not light and fluffy, it was solid, kind of like a strawberry shortcake.  Aiden and Aiden’s cousin Maddy both said they were not a big fan of the cake, my dad only ate half of his which meant he wasn’t a big fan of the cake and aunt Jane said it was great, while Shirley’s 90 year old grandma ate all of hers and probably didn’t even remember it 45 seconds later.  Ultimately, I ate the cake and instantly realized it sucked.  Fortunately there was Raspberry pie to help me overcome the pain of failing in the cake department.  While the frosting was amazing (Parker had it earlier when he licked off the spatula and mixer I used to make it and said it was the best frosting he ever had) the cake mix in a box is the way to go.  It’s the rare instance where less work creates a better product.

Today I received a text from Sky Zone, a local trampoline park, indicating that they appreciated our recent visit.  The problem was that we hadn’t been there since Christmas Break which caused me some concern.  Were they billing us for a visit we didn’t take?  Since Shirley takes care of all of our banking needs and is the only one with internet access to our bank account I texted her to see if there were any SkyZone charges.  This was an epic mistake because she found a $29.99 monthly re-occurring charge that has been going on for 7 months.  This caused her to contact the bank and find out that I was on the express platinum unlimited carwash plan at Mister car wash.  My vehicle is black and requires bi-daily washes to stay pristine.  I explained to her that if I purchased a car wash whenever I needed to get a car wash it would be much more expensive than the monthly plan.  In response, she said just get a car wash when you get gas.  Blasphemy, I may as well go to the one of those self serve car washes that is akin to using a power washer on your car.  Unfortunately, Shirley discovered that there was an express option that was $19.99 per month, however my owner’s manual indicated that opting for any carwash lower than the Platinum package voids my warranty.

Obviously, since I have no access to the bank account(s) I have no idea how much we spend on a monthly basis, but Shirley claims it’s a lot and at lest $7 a week is spent on Crickets for our bearded dragon who just sits on a log and takes giant shits.  I’m willing to attempt to tighten the belt a bit when it comes to the family finances, but I’m not downgrading to the express package, they probably don’t even use soap when you are going the express route.

Speaking of saving money, I was at Marshal’s burning a little time before I picked up the kids from school this week and I found a couple pair of Under Armour tights.  Parker use to wear athletic pants to school every day but now is into tights with basketball shorts over them.  When I showed him the tights I bought for him it was love at first sight, he said I am going to wear these on Friday to Daniel’s house.  What six year old thinks that way?  My son that is what kind of six year old thinks that way.  Even though he doesn’t look a whole lot like me I know he is my son for a number of reasons, his age inappropriate attention to his apparel, his competitiveness, and his awful temper.  The reality is that Parker and Aiden are the modern day version of Jacob and Esau other than the fiery temper they share.  Jacob and Esau were twin brothers from biblical times who couldn’t have been more opposite.  Aiden has labeled himself an “indoor” person and the same could have been said for Jacob.  Furthermore, Jacob was what one would call a momma’s boy and so is Aiden.  Esau was a hunter who was a true outdoorsmen.  Parker is trending on the same path, he loves being outside and can’t wait to start hunting with all of his  relatives from Fremont on Shirley’s side of the family.

The outdoor/indoor difference between the two reared it’s ugly head on Sunday.  Parker couldn’t get outside fast enough to play in the fresh snow and sunshine.  These days happen so infrequently in Michigan due to the mood altering cloud cover that typically dominates Michigan winters, that you really need to make the most of such a day.  Parker and I were doing that and we decided to force Aiden to accompany us hoping our enthusiasm would rub off on him.  I went inside for something and no less than 30 seconds later Aiden came in the house crying claiming Parker threw snow in his face.  Parker, following behind a sobbing Aiden, didn’t deny but defended his actions saying Aiden told him Jasper was Aiden’s cat and not Parkers.  Obviously, this was a perfectly acceptable response but Aiden saw it as an opening to take all of his snow gear off and remain indoors for the remainder of the day.

Shirley had picked up her 90 year old grandma to spend the day at our house (who may end up outliving me, she still has at least 15 years left) because I was going to be taking off later that afternoon.  Her grandma is also an indoor person and has been her whole life, but is even more of one now that she needs the assistance of a walker to get around.  She decided to go take a seat in our TV room so that she had a vantage point to see what we were doing outside.  When I re-entered the house I found Shirley’s grandma with a remote in her hand, the TV remote, not the cable remote, she asked me to turn the TV on for her.  I was perplexed, sometimes I have difficulty turning the TV on even with the proper remote, there was no way she was going to be able to pull it off.  Also, what is Shirley doing leaving this task up to her grandma who  is on her 9th decade of life?  To top it all off, I couldn’t find the cable remote, it was quickly becoming a combustible situation.  I found Shirley in the kitchen and demanded an explanation, “Did you really think your grandma could turn on the TV!”  Her response was “I can’t believe you talk to me like that”  which was a valid response.  It turns out her grandma was just chilling and suddenly decided she wanted to watch TV, at her age, similar to a 3 year old, when an idea gets in her head it must immediately happen.

The following day was MLK day and my kids had school off, now that we have real internet Shirley can work from home and decided to keep the kids with her.  However, they began to drive her crazy by roughly 8:23.  My idea was to take them to a sledding hill in the afternoon to take advantage of the snow.  I found one on a website dedicated to sledding hills.  It was in Middleville and sounded spectacular.  However, and I should have realized this due to the last post about the sledding hill being from Obama’s first term, the hill was no where to be found.  I drove back and forth multiple times by the address where the hill was suppose to be and there was no sign of sledders.  I drove into Middleville and asked someone at a gas station if they knew of any sledding hill in the area, I may as well have been asking if there was a local restaurant with a 3 star Michelin rating.  Ultimately I found a sliding hill in Ionia from a much more reliable source, the top ten sledding hills in West Michigan according to Wood TV 8.  A couple of them were on the lakeshore and another handful I had already been to, so I decided on the ionia hill.

While Bertha Brock Park doesn’t sound all that promising, I was willing to give it a shot, and it didn’t disappoint.  The hill was treacherous and occupied by only a few sledders.  Parker and I were pretty excited but Aiden was his typical apprehensive (moldy turd) self.  The first run down the hill I was sitting with my feet in front of the sled, kicking up snow and ice into my face, it was an immediate face freeze that was akin to an ice cream headache but on your face.  The discomfort was an 11 on a 10 point scale.  I decided to ride on my stomach the next time down and things started  to fall into place until Aiden decided to ride down with me.  Due to the cloud cover it was difficult to determine the terrain of the hill until you were a second away from the terrain.  Neither Aiden or I saw the jump until we were right in front of it, fortunately we narrowly missed the jump but Aiden banged his knee on it and used this as an excuse to quit sledding.  He decided to hang at the bottom of the hill while Parker and I continued to sled.  Eventually we were able to coax Aiden into joining us again by telling him if he road down twice with all 3 of us on one sled we would leave.  He was instantly compliant with the promise of going home and the resulting reunion with my phone in the car on the way home.  All three of us piled on the sled and 7 feet from our start the two kids fell off the sled like a couple of bags of flour.

I talked Aiden into giving it one more shot and we made it much further down the hill the second time around.  Aiden thought this was it and that we were heading home but breaking promises is all part of being a good parent so Parker and I went down one last time while Aiden collected the extra sleds.  This time we were unable to avoid a jump camouflaged on the hill.  Unfortunately we didn’t even see it coming and we both went flying, creating an epic yard sale that likely lacerated my spleen, it was definitely a sign that we needed to head home.  While enduring winter can be quite an arduous task, getting out and enjoying winter definitely helps make it go by faster.  Boy, does Aiden have some tough sledding ahead of him until he becomes an adult and can decide for himself to never go outside.

This past Christmas was monumental for a number of reasons.  The first being that Shirley bought Air Pods for pretty much everyone we know who doesn’t already have a pair.  This will likely result in a bankruptcy filing by the Jansma’s at some point in 2020 when combined with all of her other frivolous Holiday spending, but we need to spend a little more to get our moneys worth before we file.  The second reason it was monumental is that Aiden no longer believes in Santa Claus.  This is the first Christmas he didn’t buy into the bullshit that is Jolly Old Saint Nick.  However, for some reason his skepticism about the fat man wearing a red suit hasn’t rubbed off on his younger brother who still believes in Kris Kringle (I am now officially out of alternative names for Santa Claus).  So, Parker believed every single present that said it was from Santa Claus came from the North Pole.  I revealed to one of the guys I play basketball with that Aiden no longer bought into Santa and he said he was pretty happy his kid also stopped because at some point a sustained belief in Santa by your kid makes you question their level of intelligence.  My response was that God doesn’t make any sense either with the whole no beginning and no end as well as the fact that he is all powerful but let Satan screw everything up (If there is anyone who has the ability to use a mulligan on something it seems it would be God).  On top of that, he could, if you believe he is all powerful, come up with any plan he wanted to save man from his sins but decide to send his son (who is actually him if the holy trinity thing is accurate) to die on a cross when he could have come up with any other thing he wanted as a pass for us to gain salvation and eternal life  (that sound like a really long time). Oh well, that’s why you gotta have faith right?

Back to something that doesn’t make my head hurt if I think too long about it.  Yesterday I had basketball practice for Parker (I’m the head coach) and it runs from 4:15 to 5.  After that I had basketball practice for Aiden (I’m the assistance coach) from 5 to 6:30.  It’s the the longest and sometimes the worst 2 hours and fifteen minutes of my week.  It really depends on how my week is going and how the kids are behaving as to where it ranks on the enjoyability scale.  Yesterday we had two kids go down in Parker’s practice, one kid hurt his finger and one kid landed on his tailbone.  Surprisingly, it wasn’t Henry.  Henry up until yesterday, had a season long streak of getting “injured” and crying in every single practice and game.  Parker knows better than to cry during practice, he knows that if he did I would just tell him to quit being a pussy.  However, my role as his head coach has not kept him from acting like a complete spazz.  Fortunately for him, all first grade boys act like complete spazzes so he fits right in.  In Aidens practice there was a collision between an over aggressive child who had about 30lbs on the kid he ran into, it was akin to a 18 wheeler hitting a Prius.  Had there been anyone who actually cared about safety present the kid would have been placed in concussion protocol, but after 30 seconds of letting the Prius shake it off, we resumed practice.

After basketball practice we went to dinner and both kids were given our phones along with our air pods (surprisingly Shirley did not pick them up a pair of their own this Christmas even though she bought a pair for her favorite Amazon driver).  Normally I try to limit them to access by forcing them off our devices when our food arrives but I was so tired of kids at that point that I didn’t even bother.  At dinner, in a brief respite from my phone Parker asked me to check his tooth to see if it was ready to come out.  It had a lot of give and very little resistance when I tested it out.  When we got home he wanted me to pull it out.  I have pulled out all of Aiden’s teeth and was fairly confident Parker’s was ready to come out.  I grabbed a piece of floss and tried to get it behind his tooth and between his other two teeth.  However, Parker initially resisted.  After a bit of coaxing I was able to get it into place and flick the floss, immediately blood poured out and the tooth was still there.  I gave it another flick and more blood came pouring out but the tooth still remained rooted to his gum.  He didn’t cry at all even though this tooth abstraction was going way worse than any I had done with Aiden.  In fact, I’m pretty sure that I waited until Aiden’s teeth were about to fall out on their own before I yanked them due to the fact that he is a delicate flower (aka pansy, but Shirley doesn’t let me call him that to his face).  I decided to get rid of the floss, put my index and thumb around the tooth and was eventually able to yank it out.  He had so much blood around his mouth it looked like he drank a glass of strawberry Kool-Aid.

Going back to our dinner, Parker had mentioned that there was girl in his class who was always looking back at him during music class and that he told the teacher about it.  He was upset about the fact that the teacher didn’t do anything about it.  At this age having a girl pay attention to him and like him is quite annoying.  Shirley asked if she should send a photo of Parker without his tooth to the girls mom and Parker said “yes, maybe she won’t like me anymore.”  Honestly, he doesn’t look as cute missing one of his front teeth.  However, I think it’s because he looks older now and while I realize as a parent you can’t stop your kids from getting older the reality is from from talking to friends with teenagers that I only have a few good years left with my kids.  Granted, I am sure almost every parent thinks it won’t happen to them.  I’m super cool, my kids will always want to hang out with me and think I am the greatest.  Well, I am not that naive, and just like the newly married husband who thinks the sex is never going to stop, it does, and so does your son’s affection once he figures out how to jerk off and it’s double trouble if they somehow mange to become popular.  Between dirtying up pairs of sweat socks and hanging out with their friends, they have very little time for their parents.  (I’m fairly confident Aiden will still have ample time to hang out with us even though he will likely be messing up a lot of sweat socks)

The crazy thing is that even though Aiden has written off Santa I think he still believes in the Tooth Fairy.  Or, he realizes that if he wants compensation for the last remaining baby teeth in his head he needs to at the very least play along with the whole tooth fairy charade.  So, last night he made no mention to Parker of the imaginary nature of the Tooth Fairy.  However, I kind of wish he had because I came in to the kids room to put some money under Parker’s pillow and Shirley was still in there.  She shooed me away not wanting me to wake either of them up and claimed she had money to put under Parker’s pillow.  I put the money I had with me on my night stand, not intending to give it all to Parker.  This morning Parker came down with $15 and told me I needed to pay him the $7 I owe him.  (I took money out of his money bag, he keeps it in a zip lock bag, to pay for something that he probably was the direct beneficiary of in early December).  When Shirley made her way down stairs I said “I thought you had your own money to give Parker for his tooth.”  She responded that she didn’t and that Parker had told her he thought his tooth was worth $15, I found this to be somewhat ironic since it was the exact amount I left on the night stand.  I had anticipated giving Parker $5 for his tooth (still quite generous).  The ultimate question for me is do I tell him that $7 of what the tooth fairy left him was to pay off my debt?

Those of you who live in the great white north understand that once Christmas is over there is very little to look forward to until the weather turns, which is typically sometime in June.  So, how does one survive the next four to five months?  If you play your cards right you schedule at least one or two vacations to warm weather destinations in an attempt to preserve ones sanity until the temperature permanently rises above 50 degrees.

While I have at least one trip scheduled to a warm weather destination, and may add at least one or two more depending on how the winter unfolds, there have to be other things to look forward to, right?  Wait, there is, every winter for the past four or five winters Shirley and I go on an adults only ski weekend with a couple of Shirley’s co-workers and their husbands.   The only problem is that last winter one of the couples bailed so they could fully commit to the cult that is kids travel hockey, leaving us to do the annual ski weekend with our kids and the other couple and their kids.  It was fun, just not exactly the same dynamic as previous years.  I can’t wait to get the band back together and put the adult ski weekend back on track this year.

While the ski weekend is typically the high point of the winter, there are other recent life altering changes that will greatly assist in making winter go by much faster than normal.  A few weeks before Christmas the Jansma’s were finally able to connect to legitimate high speed internet.  Prior to that point we had satellite internet (which is even worse than dial up) and Dish Network.  While Dish Network is watchable, they were in a contract dispute with HBO right up until the final season of Game Of Thrones aired (wish they would have done me a favor and not caved in to HBO’s demands) and they are currently in a dispute with Fox Sports Detroit.  Normally, I would be upset about the lack of Detroit sports options but there is currently no team from Detroit worth watching.  We are now able to stream any movie out there, the kids can play video games online, and most importantly, Shirley can now work from home.   We watched all of the Iron Man movies this past week thanks to our free year of Disney plus as Verizon customers.

While I have finally healed from the wounds inflicted at the hands of Parker’s long board, another Christmas gift has caused unmitigated damage in our home.  Shirley picked up a pair of Alexa’s, one of which was placed on the main level and the other in the kids room.  There is now a never ending battle between Shirley and I and the kids as to what Alexa plays.  Cleaning the kitchen is actually not a bad experience if Maroon 5 is playing in the background, however it is intolerable if it is done while listening to the poop song.  Yes, those of you who don’t have boys are probably unaware of the poop song.  There is actually a poop song along with a myriad of other songs written to appeal to boys ranging from 5 to 12 years of age containing lyrics primarily focused on the hilarity of bodily functions.

Somehow the kids were turned on to the comedian Jim Gaffigan.  While Parker typically chooses to listen to Henry Huggins as he falls asleep, he gave in to Aiden’s demand that Alexa play Jim Gaffigan.  Shirley was in bed with Parker and I was in bed with Aiden (we still cuddle with them for a few minutes every night) as Jim Gaffigan (who is mostly family friendly) was playing in the background.  He was going into a riff on people and their birthdays complaining about people who make a bid deal about their birthday.  This led to him mentioning the fact that society puts a lot of pressure on people to have a great time on their birthday.  “I shouldn’t have to pay for sex on my birthday” Immediately Parker (who is six years old) asked what sex is.  When we didn’t answer he kept asking.  Eventually we told him that it is something he would learn about later on from some kid at school or on the internet, Aiden added sex is for adults.  What I wanted to say is that one of your parents thinks it doesn’t happen enough and the other thinks it happens too much.

Jim Gaffigan focuses a lot of his humor on food, primarily how amazing meat is.  Foolishly, I thought I could make it through the darkest time of the year foregoing meat.  What led me to make such a terrible choice?  Well, on the last Sunday of the year we went over to Shirley’s vegetarian sister’s house.  Beginning on Christmas Day it was 24/7 Shirley’s family for me in some way, shape, or form.  On the 25th her mom and dad and 90 year old grandmother came to our house.  Shirley told me they were coming around 5, they showed up at 2.  The next day was the party for her mom’s entire side of the family hosted at our house.  (Her sister and brother in law, who I think are great(not the vegetarians), started staying at our house on the Christmas with their two boys ages 5 and 7) Shirley’s mom stayed at our house overnight on Christmas night as well as the 26th and possibly the 27th (its all a blur so I can’t be certain).

The event at the vegetarians house was a wine and cheese game night.  The trifecta of fun, right?  Well, things got off to a good start and we were all having a pretty good time. It was me, Shirley, both brother and sister in-laws as well as my in laws.  Somehow we decided to figure out where all the adults except my in laws were going to go to dinner the next night.  Every idea I came up with was shot down by my vegetarian sister in law. It was like trying to come up with a sexual position that works for a eunuch.  Doggie style? No, I can’t do that.  Missionary?  That doesn’t work either.  Reverse Cow Girl?  Of course not.  Not only was I battling the fact that I was dealing with a vegetarian, I was also dealing with a vegetarian who objected to one particular restaurant (that was very vegetarian friendly) because their barstools were too uncomfortable.  Ultimately I lost my shit, dropped a bunch of F bombs and walked out slamming the door behind me (by accident) stating “this is exasperating!”  On the way home in the Uber Shirley came at me fast and hard, while I was likely 90% in the wrong, there was no way I was admitting that in my half drunken state.

The next day I got a call from my vegetarian sister in law.  We ironed things out and I apologized.  I also explained why I acted like I did, I didn’t give her excuses for my behavior, merely explanations.  She thought I should probably apologize to her husband as well.  I called him and wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer even though he spends more time with his phone than a millennial.  He eventually texted asking if I wanted to meet him at Madcap at 8 am the next morning. Fuck no.  We determined that we would hook up at the Starbucks at Forest Hills Food Saturday morning.  I texted him as I was leaving Crahen MVP to see if he was available and his reply was “let me check with L___, and see what we have going on”.  It’s a five to ten minute meeting tops, in my mind he was making this much more difficult than it needed to be.  Eventually I made it home and then was at Costco when I received a text indicating that the Starbucks at Target would work between 10 and noon.  I called him, he didn’t answer and eventually texted back that we kept missing one another.  I never responded to that text.

Do I just drop it?  I see him maybe four to five times a year.  No way he lets this go, but will the awkwardness at family events be less awkward than the inevitable awkwardness of our face to face meeting?  Regardless, this incident, along with many unhealthy choices during the holidays made me think I needed to give up meat for January.  January 1 wasn’t too bad, January 2 was ok, January 3 was decent and what kept me going was the moral superiority I felt over people who eat meat.  January 4 was a Saturday.  I made it through most of the day meat free until we had to decide on dinner.  I threw out a vegetarian suggestion and the kids asked why they were being forced punished.  We decided on Chicken Tikka Masala for dinner, it’s one of my specialties and my plan was to just keep the chicken out of mine.  However, I’m not going to lie, meat is great, even chicken, especially when you have gone almost four days without it.  Ultimately I ate the masala with chicken in it and it was fantastic.  What I realized during my almost four day vegetarian journey was one, eating is nothing special when you are vegetarian, without meat meals are kind of boring.  Fat vegetarians make complete sense to me now, your diet consists primarily of cheese and bread, even working out six hours a day isn’t going to keep someone who primarily exist on cheese and bread, skinny.  On top of that, you need to eat a lot of sugary junk food and unhealthy snack food to make up of the fact you are depriving yourself of meat.  Fortunately, going back on meat has taken me off suicide watch and given me something to live for.  I have to get rolling so I can pick the kids up and put a meatloaf in the oven.

I asked my kids what they wanted for Christmas this year and Parker said he wanted a skateboard and Aiden said he wanted a basketball.  Shirley and I had a discussion about gift giving this year and it was agreed that we would not purchase gifts for one another.  That led to a conversation with a buddy of mine about what he was getting his wife for Christmas.  After he told me what he purchased for her he also indicated that his wife had bought herself an UGGS robe telling him she was totally worth such an extravagant gift.  Knowing that I couldn’t show up Christmas morning empty handed or I’d have to t take things into my own hand for a considerable amount of time, I went on Amazon and searched UGGS robes (I had no idea they made robes and while I knew they would be expensive the sticker shock almost made me fall out of my chair).  Is Shirley worth an UGGS robe, well of course she is, but most of their robes are somewhat short and sexy, she prefers the long robes that are the robe equivalent of Granny panties, not sexy but very warm and comfortable.  So, with that in mind I purchased a robe that had many positive reviews as well as an affordable price tag.  While most of the reviews were positive, one reviewer, who I believed to be a women although she could have played middle linebacker for the Detroit Lions, was not happy with her robe.  She indicated in her review that she was 6’1′ and 190 lbs and the robe didn’t fit right around the middle.  No shit, the fact that you are a land monster probably precludes you from wearing robes that are meant for women.  I didn’t let that negative review dissuade me from purchasing the robe and Shirley was quite pleased with it.

I also made an impromptu shopping trip on Christmas Eve to Von Maur (I believe it is Dutch for overpriced).  I had one prior experience in the store when it first opened and when I saw the price of the first shirt I looked at I implored my kids to run and not look back.  However, my buddy told me his wife was in there and there was all kinds of stuff on sale. Sale?  There is only one other S word that I like better.  Merry Christmas to me I managed to find a couple things for myself as well as two sweaters for Shirley, one was marked at $200 all the way down to $50.  I found my self going from clearance rack to clearance rack avoiding the regular priced racks as if they were lepers from the Old Testament.  The problematic thing with shopping at such a high end store is that the sales “associates” are working on commission and there was a ratio of at least 6 sales people to every customer.  The first clue that I didn’t want any attention paid to me should have been my dedication to staying within 18 inches of the clearance racks the entire time I was in the store, I was actually tempted to drag a rack with me as I ventured to another part of the store.

On Monday night I was tasked with making lasagna for the Christmas Eve festivities with the Jansma’s at our house.  When I got home I was pleasantly surprised to find out the kids were at my in-laws.  Unfortunately, Shirley was in full present wrapping mode and had no time to give me the attention I deserved or required so after I made the lasagna (which was a hit by the way) I headed out to do some somewhat last minute Christmas shopping.  I decided that I should check out Play it again sports for a skateboard and stumbled upon a Santa Cruz longboard, I know almost as much about skateboards as I do women so I called my brother to see if I should purchase the Santa Cruz or the other model that was there.  He said go with the Santa Cruz.  After that I ended up at JT’s to watch Monday night football and made the mistake of staying for one last bourbon allowing Shirley to get to bed for I was able to get home (Or she saw me coming down the driveway and was able to shut the lights off and pretend to be asleep).  Regardless, I was as disappointed as a kid who only gets socks and underwear for Christmas.

My apologies for this having a Pulp Fiction feel to it but I didn’t really outline how I was going to configure this blog.  Anyhow, Christmas morning arrived and the dollar value of the gifts my kids received was more than my parents spent on me my entire life, even taking inflation into account.  Parker got a Nintendo Switch so that he and Aiden didn’t have to share the other one we already had.  When I brought up the long board form the basement for him he was disappointed because it was used.  He said to Shirley “mom, I didn’t get that much for Christmas”.  I should have duct taped him to the longboard and sent him down our driveway for that comment.  However, a big part of parenting is about having perspective and I am sure that while I never would have dared say anything like that to my parents, I probably thought it and may have moped a bit after an extremely disappointing Christmas (they were all disappointing to a degree).

Shirley purchased me a Michigan wolverines Champion zip up form Costco as well as some pajama pants.  Here is where I have to admit I am somewhat of a snob.  The current athletic company handling most of Michigans apparel is Nike, and I love Nike, I had some Adidas stuff from back in the day but got rid of it once Nike took over.  In my mind you can’t wear the old shit and you definitely can’t wear Champion.  Now, one of the reasons I don’t like people getting me things that I haven’t asked for for Christmas is that I have a hard time hiding disappointment.  Well, Shirley could tell I didn’t like the Michigan zip up and became upset with me.  I told Parker when he asked me why I didn’t like it, that he would understand someday.  Shirley claimed that if he ever acted like me when it came to clothing we just wouldn’t buy it for him.  Since he is following in my footsteps there is no way I can make him wear off brand outdated apparel, it just isn’t right.  In response to my reaction to her gift to me Shirley pretended that she didn’t like her sweater (the $200 one that I got for $50)  I called her bluff and told her I still have the receipt, she made no effort to get the receipt from me.

I hadn’t expected to bust out the Santa Cruz on Christmas thinking in-climate weather would get in the way, it was surprisingly nice and I was able to pry Parker away from his Switch and get him outside to take some test runs down the driveway.  Our driveway is fairly steep and long and I was getting higher and higher up as I got the hang of the Santa Cruz.  Parker stayed on the flat spots of the driveway during his initial runs.  Eventually I went a bit too high up gained a little too much speed and fell off the long board as if I had been shot by a sniper.  I landed on my side and ended up with a nice raspberry and was gimping around the rest of the day.  Parker came running up to me and asked “are you ok dad?”  Had incident occurred when I was growing up I probably would have laughed at my dad and thought it was hilarious.  Apparently Parker’s empathy comes from Shirley.