Growing up I had a phobia about having to shower in a locker room situation, I’d like to think it had nothing to do with the size of my penis, but it probably had everything to do with the size of my penis. The locker room anxiety I face as an adult has nothing to do with the size of my penis, I have no problem acknowledging I have an average size penis. Shirley claims that is a good thing because it keeps her pelvic floor in tact. (While it would be great to have a big old hog and proudly display it in the locker room, I have come to terms with the size of my penis, even though I don’t buy what Shirley is selling). No, my locker room anxiety is now a direct product of my 20 years of spending time in locker rooms. The first incident that sticks out to me, and I may have blogged about this years ago, but it’s still a story worth telling, occurred when I was first married and I was getting ready for work after a morning hoops run at MVP. I was in a stall with a guy who was wearing nothing but socks and wingtips, completely naked but for his footwear and the dress socks he had pulled up to his mid calf. Maybe the guy was allergic to flip flops? Maybe his mom taught him how to get dressed the completely wrong way? I have no logical explanation for why he put his shoes and socks on first and then paraded around the locker room like he was normal. 

Other incidents in the locker room include, but are not limited to, a time where my buddy and I were sitting in the MVP hot tub (both of us were naked, which I will discuss in more detail later). There was a guy hanging on the entry hand railing with his butthole and balls towards us crouching, he proceeded to exit the hot tub and army crawl to the handicap shower. (ask Bill Sutter if you don’t believe me). I once found an unwrapped condom in one of the lockers at MVP. (I didn’t bother to check to see if it had been used). Prior to MVP remodeling their men’s locker room, they had a television surrounded by pleather furniture, old guys would routinely sit completely naked on the furniture. I’m sure their thought process was that they couldn’t get away with the behavior at home, so why not give it a shot at MVP. (In their defense, watching CNBC completely naked is quite liberating). Many of the old guys also prefer to avoid grabbing a towel to give the younger guys a preview as to the actual elasticity of scrotums, I don’t know how they can fit their saggy sacks into their cream colored whitey tighties, but they somehow manage to pull it off. Other behavior that seems to be primarily engaged in by all the old dudes includes blow drying their balls as well as using an entire bottle of lotion every time they try to eradicate dry skin. I saw one guy go so far as to rub up his butt cheeks with lotion. 

Prior to Covid there was a guy named Curtis, Curtis should give you hint to where I am going with this. White guys go by Curt, Kurt, but rarely Curtis. Curtis was one of the worst people to deal with at MVP lunch ball, but a super nice guy off the court. (I don’t think anyone is saying that about me) One time Curtis refused to get off the court after his team had lost and threw himself into the fray as an extra defender, 5 on 5 is tough enough, 5 on 6, that’s impossible. Curtis also had me by my neck one time and was trying to lift me off the ground by my throat, fortunately for Curtis someone stepped in before I could call the police. Regardless of Curtis’s proclivity to be a complete asshole on the court, he, like a lot of the guys I mentioned earlier, didn’t see the need to wrap himself in a towel in the locker room. And, if I was hung like Curtis I probably wouldn’t either. The problem was, Curtis was a close talker, and when you combine his close talking with his monster hog, it was down right frightening, I don’t know how many times I wanted to tell Curtis to put that thing away as he was telling me some story that I could only half pay attention to out of fear of a penile assault. 

But just this week, when I thought I had seen it all, I walked into the locker room to shower and get ready for my afternoon, and found a guy eating his sandwich on one of the benches in the locker room (he left some crumbs behind). It was accompanied by a freshly brewed cup of tea with the tea bag still in it. On top of that he had a shower caddy sitting next to him, with every possible lotion, ointment, soap, shampoo, and manicuring utensil one could dream of. I’d seen this guy many times, my suspicion is he lives at MVP, he is there more than I am and one time I caught him just sitting in the parking lot smoking a heater and listening to something on his wired AirPods (what a fucking loser). I have also watched him clip his toenails in the locker room, letting them fly everywhere like pieces of shrapnel. Initially the guy would always be at the front of the locker room so I could avoid him. The locker room remodel opened up a whole new area of the locker room and I discovered a new place to routinely put my stuff, and use as my staging area. The lockers in the new area are bigger, the lighting is better (not that I want better lighting), and there are not nearly the number of old saggy sacks in the new part of the locker room. The only problem, this ass clown has now claimed it for his own. Today I had Court in Hastings and I stopped at a gas station just outside of the city limits. The sign on the bathroom said no food or drink allowed, pretty sure if some podunk gas station doesn’t want you bringing grub into their restroom, MVP doesn’t want you turning their locker room into the seating area at a Jimmy Johns. This guy doesn’t seem like a fan of the Village People, but you never know, maybe if the powers that be at MVP curtail his extracurricular locker room activities he will have no choice but to head over to the YMCA.