A week ago Wednesday Shirley and I left out of Detroit for Cancun. Our flight departed at 6:30 am so we rented a hotel by the airport. I think I recounted an experience I had last year on this blog when I made the mistake of staying at a Howard Johnson by the Atlanta airport, to this day I still don’t know how I wasn’t murdered. While this hotel didn’t have bullet proof glass at the check in, it did have the general air of being a complete shit hole. When we got to the hotel I suggested we get our sexcation off on the right foot, granted on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being a women who has been married for more than two weeks and 10 being a male teenager on prom night, I was probably an 8 when it comes to being horny, but you could wake me up at 3 in the morning and I’d be at least a 7.5. Needless to say we played cribbage and went to bed. We ended up flying out on Spirit and you have to pay for everything, even the privilege to fart not the plane, when you fly Spirit. I decided since I have trouble with leg pain even when I am driving into my office that I should try to upgrade to the exit row. The suggested bid for an exit seat was $36, I was awfully tempted to just put one bid in but that would have gotten our sexcation off on an even worse foot than staying in a hotel teaming with other peoples jizz and asbestos. Unfortunately my bid was not accepted but then the day before we flew out I received incredible news, they must have resubmitted my bid and Shirley and I landed in the exit row.

We were separated and sat on different sides of the plane. Shirley sent me a text to be sure to put my phone on airplane mode, often times I feel like Shirley views me as her fourth child and the one she loves the least, it would probably go Max, Parker and Aiden would be tied and then I would finish last. Now, for those of you who have not had the honor of sitting in the exit row it comes with a lot of responsibility, if the plane goes down ( we would all be fucked if that happened, even if the Rock and John McClain were occupying the exit row) you have to help people off the plane prior to vacating the plane. You are also expected to know where the life rafts are and the proper procedure for off boarding people who are completely losing their shit (I am assuming you are expected to not be losing your shit). The two people sharing my row with me were a combined 212 years old and needed help getting out of their seats to go to the bathroom, quite the rigorous screening procedure for placing people in the exit row. Not only did I splurge on the exit row I also purchased Wifi. However, looking back on it I could have just purchased it for myself, Shirley would have had no idea that I had Wifi, and as it turns out even though I told Shirley we had it, she didn’t use it. Also, had I known logging on to Spirit’s wife was almost as hard as breaking into the main frame computer at the pentagon I probably wouldn’t have purchased it. (On the flight home I finally swallowed my pride about an hour out of Detroit and asked for Shirley’s assistance in logging on to the wifi, that’s how bad I wanted to watch the third episode of The Last of Us, had I know what it was about beforehand I wouldn’t have bothered).

The one good thing about flying on Spirit is that it is a direct flight from Detroit to Cancun. We landed around 10:30 and the bonus was that Cancun is in the same time zone we are. We deplaned and headed out to find transportation to the resort. I had booked an inclusive called Secrets Vine. Normally I am quite a bargain hunters when it comes to almost everything but I just wanted to get to the resort so I paid $85 for Shirley and I to ride in a Nissan Sentra to the resort. (we paid $40 for the return trip to the airport). We checked in at the resort but were unable to get into our room until 3pm. Turns out we had $200 in what I would call shop credit that we could use towards various things that would likely have had us spend double that if we actually utilized our shop credit. After fending off a sales pitch to join a vacation club (time share) we decided to have lunch and ended up being seated next to a couple from West Michigan. I though we really clicked and that they would end up being our BVFF (best vacation friend’s forever) but I only saw them again one time.

After lunch we changed and headed to the pool. I was really into a book so I let Shirley get us into the room. I booked an ocean facing honeymoon suite for the trip and boy did it pay off. Shirley mentioned something about a guy bitching about being Ocean facing after we had made up for staying in the other people’s splooge suite at the Detroit Airport Comfort Inn. What would make someone think Ocean view is going to be on the Ocean? I will tell you this, going on a trip without kids makes you wonder why you had kids in the first place. You mean I could go on vacation, drink whenever I want, do whatever I want, and not have to worry about kids cock blocking me? Sign me up for that. Granted, there are a lot of other things that make me question having kids, but the five days in Cancun really made me wonder. Fortunately, Shirley and I realized if we weren’t called upon to do our exit row duties on the way back to Detroit we would be reunited with our kids so we made the most of the trip by hitting the pool, enjoying the leisure an all-inclusive provided as well as the alcohol. However, I had a suspicion that the alcohol was significantly watered down, a suspicion I was able to prove on Sunday night when we went out to eat because we were sick of the resort food. I was knocking back doubles of Jamison, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniels like my kids go through Prime. (It’s a drink that Jake Paul came up with, like that guy needs more money) The restaurant we went to was just across from our resort and their bourbon of choice was Wild Turkey. I decided to stay on the doubles train and took a double to start off the meal. I also ordered the Lobster as big as a small human, that’s not what it was actually called, but due to the Wild Turkey doubles (which I also lost track of) I can’t remember the name of the lobster. (It actually was a lobster with another lobster attached to it)

It was difficult to depart Mexico knowing the weather that awaited us back in Michigan, but we were both ready to get home so we could see Max. On the flight back I did manage to catch most of the third episode of the Last of Us which is a post apocalyptic series on HBO that my brother in law is also watching. We have been communicating about the show and it is probably the one thing that we really have in common. He doesn’t seem all that into sports and he has basically stopped drinking and has devoted most of his life to being the world’s best dad (what a loser) so the world of streaming is what brings us together. The third episode of the show centered around Ron Swanson (Nick Offerman) and the compound he created that allowed him to weather out the apocalypse and life after it. His character had little to do with the main story line but it did allow HBO to go gay, he ends up trapping a guy in one of his pits and ultimately falls madly in love with him. I looked at it as a filler episode, my brother in law loved it. I don’t care if you’re a dude and you love a dude, or you love a real doll, or even a women, however unconventional that seems to be now days. But what I don’t need to see is two dudes with post apocalyptic beards rolling into bed together and going at it, there’s gay porn for that. I don’t want to see an unsightly heterosexual couple getting it on either. (I’d be down with two hot lesbians though, but I don’t know that they will fair well in a post apocalyptic world)

In November I signed Parker up to play basketball in the CYL (Caledonia Youth League). I circled back in late December and discovered he had been put on the wait list and the only way he could get a spot was if I coached. I hate coaching and I am pretty sure kids hate being coached by me. However, I agreed to coach so Parker could have a spot. I also managed to get the neighbor kid on the team because a kid dropped off our roster. I’d like to say I’m selfless, but I”m not and I wanted the neighbor kid on the team so his dad could help coach and fill in for me, particularly this past Monday when I was coming back from Mexico. Unfortunately, deplaning, getting through customs, and driving back from Detroit didn’t take as long as I had hoped it would and I ended up running our practice. I did get my proposed fill in to lend a hand and whenever we split up I let him take the good kids and I took the kids on the team who would have a tough time qualifying for the special olympics. On the way home I was talking to Parker and I told him there are maybe two or three kids who are good on the team, he asked if he was one of them and I immediately said no. That’s why I had kids.