That has nothing to do with the subject of my blog but is a catchy title to say the least. There was a character in one of the Adam Sandler Netflix movies (not my choice to watch) that had a T-shirt with that on it. I am tempted to search that very same T-shirt out on the internet and order it but feel there are only a couple of places I can proudly wear such a T-shirt, bowling league would be the first, and any future bachelor parties I am invited to or happen to attend. Speaking of shaving balls, yesterday I attended Aiden’s first cross country meet (no, I didn’t shave my balls specifically for that) and there was a women in attendance who must have done some landscaping prior to attending due to the fact that the shorts she wore proudly displayed her camel toe. Either she has no self awareness or she thinks she has a great set of lips. Regardless, cross country, from what I can tell, is a family event that has no place for protruding labia.

Some of you may ask why Aiden is participating in cross country? Is it because I want him to remain a virgin until he is married, that’s not exactly the goal but it may be an ancillary benefit of the whole ordeal. (Draft Kings has the over under of kids at the meet yesterday remaining virgins through high school at 97%) The main reason that we, and this was mainly Shirley’s idea, signed Aiden up is because he gets home from school at 2:30. Shirley is home, but she is really not home, and even if Putin invaded our first floor she probably wouldn’t notice. What that means is Aiden is on his device until at least dinner time. He actually cried when Shirley told him she signed him up and he would have practice every day, and who could blame him? What she didn’t realize is the toll it has taken on me, I have to pick him up everyday from school at 4pm and then turn around a bring Parker to football practice at the exact same location by 5:45. Fortunately Caledonia has pickle ball courts and I can play some pb while Parker practices, or on occasion I can watch practice (I did that once, it was awful).

The good news is that Aiden actually seems to like it, or at the very least, tolerate it. When I picked him up on Tuesday he asked me to make pasta in preparation for his meet. I’ll be honest I was a bit nervous about his meet for a couple of reasons, one, he could have gotten the poop while running gene from me and two, it was entirely possible he wouldn’t finish the race. (I didn’t have to worry about him suffering the humiliation of losing to a girl, or a lot of girls in his case, because boys and girls run separately) He managed to finish the race without crapping his pants so that was a win, and he finished fourth out of 9 Caledonia 6th graders.

I left the meet so I could hook up with a guy who wanted to play tennis and after that went to grab Parker from practice. He is on a 3/4 Caledonia team and there are two other teams. It appears that the powers that be have stacked one team (not Parker’s) and are content with the other two teams getting their doors blown off each week. I’m no Matt Patricia when it comes to being a football tactician, but I do know there is one thing that has to happen first for an offense to have any chance at success, the quarterback/center exchange. On 90% of the snaps I witnessed they derfed the exchange. It seemed mostly to be the center airmailing the shotgun snap, but sometimes it would hit the qb right in the hands and he would drop it like it was a hot potato. Parker was playing split end and managed to get a played called for him. Unfortunately, he had no idea the play was called for him. His coach yelled “Jansma, do you know what you are doing?” and then had to explain to him it was a play designed for him. (Chip off the Ole block) To his credit he got the hand off and went right up the gut for a nice run, in the interest of full disclosure, there were 11 guys on offense, as there should be, but only 6 or 7 guy on defense.

On our way home Parker told me he had had has worst practice (he had missed the previous two claiming that he was ill so not a real big sample size). I told him he looked good on his run and that his team sucks and he is probably going to play a lot regardless. I have been texting his coach, not because I am that type of parent, but because his coach was putting on a fantasy football league for the kids and Parker was interested so his coach was texting me about the draft. My text to the coach was “Parker said he had his worst practice last night, let me know if there is anything I can work on with him one on one at home. Also, when is the team BBQ?”

The coach responded with some encouraging words and informed me that the BBQ is tomorrow night. I will be honest, I don’t want to attend. Last years team party was the worst. All the football dads (primarily the coaches and dad of the qb and star rb) were huddled around talking about the Cal glory days and how awful Rockford is because they stack their teams and have sex with animals. True and True I thought, especially my buddy Dom who hales from Rockford. The non-football dads were on the outside of the circle, awkwardly sipping our beers and trying to think of something clever to say to gain their acceptance. I had plenty of ideas spinning around in my head, but didn’t have the balls to say any of them. It was like being in high school all over again, trying to garner the attention of the cool kids. It is going to be more of the same tomorrow night and I may just send Shirley, I don’t think that dynamic exists among football moms and non-football moms, and if it did she wouldn’t notice and would just start talking about stuff no one cared about, possibly our dog Max or even worse, her job. I will say this football dads are the worst.

When Parker and I arrived home we were greeted with Chicken Alfredo from Costco, the original plan was for Shirley to make tacos but that was too much for her and instead she went to Costco, which is never a good thing. Shirley told Parker about how proud she was of Aiden for how he performed in his cross country meet and that set Parker off. He proceeded to claim that we never praised him for football and that he was feeling disrespected, ok he didn’t say disrespected but it’s only a matter of time before he does say that about something. Rarely has Parker been jealous of his brother so it was refreshing to see that side of him. He claimed he could run faster than Aiden so this weekend I will take them to the Davenport track and settle the matter once and for all, that should pretty much lock up dad of the year for 2022. I should write a book, well, I should write a lot of books, but at least one on parenting.