The past four months the Jansma’s have been basement dwellers as a result of a first floor renovation that gutted our kitchen and left our TV room with an inch of dust and all of our first floor furniture stacked in it. While the basement was a fortress of solitude for me when Shirley’s relatives came over, it was good to know it could be used on other occasions beyond when her entire family invaded my house. While being reintroduced to the basement was somewhat of a positive, the real win was acquiring an air fryer. We ended up receiving the air fryer for Christmas but the renovation didn’t commence until the middle of March. Stupidly we waited until we relocated to the basement to start using the air fryer. It would be similar to purchasing a sex doll and waiting until your wife or significant other stopped putting out to use it. I cant’ imagine going back to eating baked french fries, pizza rolls in the microwave? You must be out of your mind. I did a couple briskets on the smoker a few weeks back and took the left overs and put them in the air fryer to make open faced brisket sandwiches, they were jizz in your pants good. I’ll be honest, if the house was on fire and I had to choose Max or the Air Fryer to take to safety I’d still take Max, but I would be on Amazon after I called the fire department to order a new air fryer. (since my kids still sneak in our room and sleep on the floor next to Shirley, she has a floor bed with a comforter and sheets already made up for them, I’m assuming they would have made it out with me and I don’t have to choose between them and Max)

While the air fryer doesn’t make me even better than 99% of the population I was already better than, this weekend resulted in a life changing purchase. Being Dutch is a burden for a number of reasons, but the biggest is the predisposition to attempt and save money ALL THE TIME! This has resulted in the purchase of a number of shoddy coolers. We bought an Arctic soft shell cooler and the zipper broke, we bought the Costco version of the Arctic called a Coho and the fucking zipper broke. I’ve also bought a number of square portable coolers with plastic shells that melt ice faster than the a microwave oven would. Well, this weekend we decided to visit Shirley’s aunt and uncle in Cadillac on Saturday with the plan of hiking in the Manistee National Forest on Sunday. I ended up golfing with Shirley’s dad and uncle at Antioch Golf Club in Mesick early and somehow managed not to hurdle myself in front of their golf cart to put an end to my misery. When we arrived back in Cadillac I was tasked with running to Meijer for supplies for the hike and Shirley also suggested I purchase a backpack cooler. Lately I had been doing research on coolers in an attempt to find the best value, I even picked one out that I sent to Shirley to purchase off Amazon (she changes our prime password routinely and I can never purchase anything on my own as a result). Thank goodness she pays very little attention to me since it allowed me to explore other options and if she did pay attention to me, she’d realize I’m not around that much.

Cadillac has a Dunham’s and that was where my search began and ended for what would be a life altering purchase. At the entry to the Dunham’s they had some huge display set up with water bottles and soft coolers from a single brand. I was worried that this single brand was the only option I would have but my desire to find the best deal possible drove me to continue on through the store despite the fact that Dunham’s may be the worst sporting goods store still in business with MC sporting goods shuttering their doors years ago. Ultimately, I located the cooler section and there were a number of options available. Knowing I didn’t want to make the same mistake I had with previous coolers I went right to the Yeti and almost shit my pants when I looked at the price tag.

There are a couple relatives of mine who brag about their purchases, grills, vehicles, power tools, as if they are the only ones allowed to purchase such items. I want to say to them, hey fuck face I can buy that shit too (I imagine everyone has a couple of these people in their lives). I never do, but someday I probably will, but just leave out the fuck face. I suppose the same can be said for the Yeti back pack cooler that I purchased that historic morning, but most people are not going to spend that much money on a back pack cooler because most people do not have a need for a back pack cooler so I am even that much more awesome now that I own one. Since the hike the cooler has sat in our garage, I will be honest, I have been tempted to hug it every time I go out to the garage and see it. The big question is how do I use it more? I’m in a golf league and this fact should be no surprise to anyone, I smuggle my beer on to the course. Part of it, ok most of it is to save money, but a fraction of the reason is gives me a much larger range of what I can drink on league night. I took (stole) one of the course coolers, the ones that are flimsy and have plastic handles that ultimately break off the cooler and are green with golf carts on them and I use that to smuggle my drinks on. However, even at the risk of detection, I am tempted to start utilizing the Yeti backpack cooler, not only because it keeps ice frozen for what seems to be a length of time that is scientifically impossible, but because it is a status symbol similar to pulling up to the course in a Ram longhorn addition truck (they have actual leather saddle bags attached to the rear of the driver and passenger front seats).

Yesterday I did stop at Costco and they were selling the Coho coolers again. I just chuckled to myself thinking how naive I was to think purchasing one of those could actually bring about cooler contentment. I’m not ashamed to admit I am now a cooler snob, I will look down on every cooler that does not start with a Y and end in an I. While at Costco I picked up two containers of the Sanders salted caramel milk chocolate bites, these are also jizz in your pants good but the problem is my kids devour them. When I arrived home I tried to sneak them in the house and hide them but Parker saw them. Wouldn’t be surprised if one container is already gone and sitting on the counter of our pantry empty when I arrive home from golf league tonight. However, hiding shit from my kids does create an additional use for the Yeti. While I can hide non frozen treats pretty much anywhere, and typically do out of necessity, we only have four freezers at our house (humble brag) and my kids will explore every single one of them to find ice cream novelties, It’s basically the only thing they will put any amount of effort into. Those two turds will eat the last Klondike bar, Melting Moments Ice Cream Sandwich, or any other boxed frozen treat and leave the box or packaging in the freezer so when I go to get one all I have is the empty box to consume. However, with the incredible longevity the Yeti gives ice I can now put the treats in there and hide them wherever I want or even carry them with me wherever I go. Life will never be the same.