Don’t worry this will not be political in nature but it is somewhat ironic that it looks like Roe v. Wade is about to be overturned while we have the most liberal administration in the history of the United States presiding with nothing they can do about it. A couple weeks ago the Jansma’s, on one of the countless rainy nights this spring, went to see the new Fantastic Beasts movies. I’m not into Harry Potter and its offshoots so I had contemplated going to see the Nicholas Cage movie instead. However, there were no show times that correlated between the two movies so I decided to suck it up and join the family. We went to Celebration North and I pulled a rookie mistake, I didn’t look closely at the fine print and when we arrived we discovered that the showtime was for the IMAX, resulting in an out the door price north of $80. In an attempt to defray some of the cost we made our kids split a fountain drink, the way they reacted you would have thought I gave them a cup filled with for a beverage. Despite my rookie mistake, I had smuggled in all of the candy which resulted in a savings of at least $15. One of the major problems is the additional cost of the IMAX, the other is that it is super fucking loud. Even Parker noticed it was way too loud. An additional problem, and this is not just with IMAX movies, but with all movies these days, is the need to make it in excess of two hours. The movie was OK but would have been much better if it was a streamlined 90 minutes. They added a bunch of superfluous shit that did nothing to add to the plot or develop any of the characters.

When we got home we headed to the basement to eat the pizza we had picked up and watch Young Sheldon. Our basement typically is used two to three times a year when I hide down there to avoid Shirley’s family. However, we are balls deep into a home renovation that has us with no kitchen or much of anything else on our first floor. If you told me I would be willingly admitting that I watch Young Sheldon when I started writing this blog I wouldn’t have believed you. But the truth is, it’s an ok show. As we were watching it Parker had a question, he asked Shirley and I what it is called when a guy has sex with two girls (he’s in third grade). I wanted to say fortunate but Shirley jumped in and told him there isn’t a word for it, it was tough for me to hold my tongue, who doesn’t enjoy saying menage a trois? (and who doesn’t enjoy being part of one as long as it’s the components are right, two girls and one guy) Whenever our kids ask a question that they shouldn’t because they shouldn’t have any knowledge of the subject matter that is the basis for their question we ask them what gave them the idea to ask the question. Parker claimed he heard it on the bus, but my kids are smart enough to not say their devices, and I am certain the idea of a threesome came from Youtube or something similar to it. What my kids know is that we can’t and won’t take away the bus, but we can and sometimes, but only under extreme circumstances, take away their devices.

This particular episode of Young Sheldon dealt with Sheldon’s older brother George getting his girlfriend pregnant. In one scene George goes to speak to his grandma’s boyfriend who is also his boss at the sporting good store. He asks him what he should do and his boss questions “is she going to keep it? are you even sure it is yours?” To which Aiden responds (he’s in fifth grade) matter of factly “she can get an abortion”. It’s a good thing Grandma Jansma was not alive to hear that because she would have made him pay back the $75 she gave him on her last Christmas due to her extremely pro life stance on everything other than democrats.

I’d like to say it ends there, that was the only shocking question/statement I heard from my kids that week. Unfortunately, Parker on the way to school a few days later asked me if I knew what 69 was. Again, I asked him where he had heard that knowing he would never narc out his device as being the culprit for his way too advanced knowledge of sex. I can blame a lot of it on the internet, but the reality is that Shirley is also culpable. She ordered a book off Amazon entitled “It’s not the Stork” that explains the birds and the bees. Ironically I just happened to find it under our bed a couple weeks ago when I was doing some spring cleaning. She read it to them when Parker was either 5 or 6 and Aiden 6 or 7. How did I hear about the birds and the bees? On the playground at school like every kid did back when I was growing up. Thankfully my parents were not about to have the talk with me and decided to leave it up to Darlene Doornbos, who had 9 older brothers and sisters and knew just as much about sex when she was in fourth grade as Dr. Ruth. I didn’t believer her, no way my parents would do that, turns out they did it four times in the 47 years they were married, well actually 3 times, I was actually conceived out of wedlock.

(this is a page from ‘It’s Not the Stork’ there are a lot of things to nit pick about this illustration particularly the bed spread, were they doing it in their kid’s room? but the women smiling has to be at the top of the list)