For the past couple of years I have been living with a third nipple and it’s located int he middle of my back. I can’t see it, but Shirley frequently comments on how grotesque it is. I had figured that it being so disgusting distracted her from other parts of me that were bad, but not that bad, so I have held on to it. (it’s similar to a marginal looking chick hanging out with a bunch of land monsters so that she seems hot, but kind of the opposite I guess). Last month I ended up going in for my annual, or at least somewhat annual, physical. I think this is true with every doctor, but can only speak to mine, he asked me how much I drink a week. Now, I am sure there are people who are honest about how much they drink, those are the people who don’t drink at all. Everyone else is a fucking liar and downplays the severity of their alcoholism. I told him I have two to four drinks a week, the only way that could actually happen is if I was in prison or stranded on an island with absolutely no access to booze. Other than openly lying to him everything went well other than my cholesterol. At my previous physical it had been determined that my cholesterol was high and that I may need to go on medication if I didn’t change things. Well, I changed things, I stopped eating Doritos, but apparently that wasn’t enough to get me out of the danger zone. This time I was honest with myself, fully realizing that I like stuff with saturated fat and cholesterol way too much and medication would have to be the answer. I also asked my doctor about the thing on my back, he indicated that it was not anything to be concerned about but that he could refer me to a dermatologist if I wanted it removed. Now that I am 48 a colonoscopy is highly recommended so I have that to look forward to as well. The good news I guess, is that they can do a blood test to check your prostrate, I tried to hide my disappointment when he revealed this fact to me.

Ultimately I was contacted by a dermatologist and set up an appointment to have my third nipple removed. It was starting to wink at me when I looked at it in the mirror so I knew it was time, also my buddies were making fun of it in the locker room, again, something distracting people from noticing my average size penis is probably a good thing but it was time to have it removed. (There’s some guys in the locker room that I don’t even know how they are able to walk around with what they are packing, it’s almost like they have to wind it up like a hose to be able to function). The mask thing is still a requirement for visits to a doctors office so the assistant led me to a room and told me to disrobe and pointed at an oversized paper towel to use to cover up. I told her I’d just hang out in my underwear. She came back a few minutes later with the person running the operation (a female) and I was sitting there in my underwear and a mask. I was tempted to ask “do you gals like to party?” but it already was quite awkward. I think the person examining me was a PA and she asked if I wanted a full body examination of all my moles or just wanted her to look at a few. I opted for the full body treatment and she commented that I have a lot of moles. They did a biopsy of one of my moles that seemed like it might be a bit abnormal and told me something about setting up a patient portal to get the test results but if something was peculiar they would call. I never set up a patient portal and am under the assumption that since they didn’t call I am skin cancer free (liver cancer is probably a distinct possibility though). The PA then told me how awful it would be to have the cyst on my back removed, indicating that they would have to go all the way down to the fat (I wanted to tell her it would actually be muscle in my case, but didn’t) to remove the cyst and it would leave a scar three times bigger than the cyst. I decided to nix the operation, I don’t see it anyway, unless I go out of my way to look at it in the mirror.

I’m not the only Jansma who needed medical attention as of late. Aiden has developed a tic. He rolls his head to the right down to his shoulder. He just recently started doing this and as time has gone by it has become more frequent and exaggerated. The kid has enough problems without the tic, he and his brother still require Shirley to tuck them in. Should I object to this? Of course, but you have to choose your battles, I’m assuming that worst case scenario she eventually will walk in on one of them jerking off (my bet is on Parker) right before bed and that will put an end to the tucking in before bed thing. He also gets up every night at around 4am to pee, every night, and he will crack our door open if it is closed. On top of this he has to turn on every single light downstairs when he gets up in the morning after he spends no less than 20 minutes taking a dump. I will say I have had the motion sensor lights go off on me while dropping a deuce occasionally when I am at the office, but that’s because I am either really into whatever I am reading on my phone or stuck on the wordle of the day. I am a very efficient shitter, I pride myself in that fact. On top of the listed problems Aiden has, he also has ADHD and is on medication to treat this disorder. The doctor is hoping that changing his dosage will eradicate the tic. I have my fingers crossed because if that doesn’t work the cure may be worse than the disease. A lifetime of wearing a neck brace would really suck.