Most of the time I have a feeling of superiority over the rest of society. Being Dutch allows one to legitimately feel better than everyone you come across, other than fellow Dutchmen and women. That being said, when we experience weather in West Michigan like we have the past two days I feel even more superior than everyone else except those in four wheel drive trucks. My vehicle prior to getting a Ram Longhorn was a Jeep Grand Cherokee Summit, it’s called a summit because you can’t get much higher than it. However, while the Summit did an admirable job in snowy conditions, the only thing holding my Ram Truck from treating what are impassible roads for some, like business as usual, are people in shitty cars. Yesterday there was some poor sap in some small Hyundai SUV trying to get up the hill on Michigan and doing such a poor job of it that someone with no arms or legs could have rolled up the hill past her. To her credit though, she did have her hazards on. That is something that has always boggled my mind, I am going below the posted minimum speed limit or driving like an imbecile but I have my hazards on so it’s ok and completely legal. Similar to someone who is petrified of Covid, people with shitty vehicles need to stay home when the going gets tough on the roads.

On the other hand, I never feel superior to Shirley, she holds the ultimate card, the sex card. This morning when we were getting up she said to me “we need to take care of the trampoline and get the snow off of it”. Typically “we” meaning me, takes the trampoline down in the winter so that it doesn’t accumulate snow on it. However, I left it up this year and somehow, despite all Shirley has to worry and perseverate over, she found one more thing. Some times I ignore her and don’t accomplish the things “we” meaning me, have been tasked to accomplish. However, business time did not take place as I had hoped last night so in order to secure its occurrence I begrudgingly grabbed a shovel and climbed into the netting of the tramp. I resembled someone wearing a straight jacket trying to climb a ladder in my attempt to make my way onto the tramp. Once I was on it I quickly realized it was slippery as fuck, and fuck is quite slippery. I began heaving snow shovel fulls of snow over the netting and quickly began to sweat my balls off. I had miscalculated how many layers were required for me to stay warm while also failing to factor in I sweat just getting up and walking to the fridge for a glass of water. The entire time I was shoveling off snow Max was under the tramp barking and nipping at me. I have no idea why he does this the only explanation would be that he is attempting to get me on level ground where he can more effectively manipulate me into hitting tennis balls for him. As I shoveled the snow off the tramp, and nearly pulled my hamstring due to the slippery nature of the tramp, I realized that Shirley wouldn’t be out here shoveling off the tramp to have sex with me, nor would any other women in their right mind, she’d be shoveling it off to not have to have sex with me.

While my truck and my Dutch heritage give me an irrational amount of confidence and empower me to be an asshole on the road and a valuable member of society off the roads, Aiden has a device that enables him to do things I would never have dreamed of doing as a kid. This week the kids were back to school and Shirley gave him a cell phone this year so he has something to do on the bus. He texted me the following on Monday:

“Dad, call mom and tell her to freaking turn the limit off she’s not freaking listening to me or picking up my calls (welcome to the club)”

“Please”

“Lord Please”

“God please”

“I need you to answer”

“Now”

“Answer now”

When I finally looked at my phone I was worried it was a text from a client who was in a pinch, I don’t have his phone saved into my contacts but probably should add him considering what had just transpired. My lack of a response and his need for data resulted in him taking it to an entirely new level. There is a Neiboer thread that has all of my in-laws on the thread. Aiden texted “I hate mom” to everyone on it. My mother in law responded “you do not!” Aiden responded by indicating that he didn’t he was just looking to get a response to see if the string works. Obviously he knew it works, he was just hoping the group text would get Shirley’s attention since the individual texts to her did nothing. My response to him on the group text was “testing? testing? would have been a better way to go” To which he replied “Oh well with that I’ll get a slow response” I texted him that “I love you mom would have garnered the quickest response time.”

A couple more text messages one from my mother in law where she tells Aiden positive is always better than negative (I strongly disagree with that but didn’t voice my opinion) and one from my sister in law where she basically said Aiden is routinely an asshole on the text string (I agreed with that) when suddenly out of nowhere my mother in law texts “grandma has Covid”. Aiden’s response was “it’s ok your vaccinated”. What I was trying to type was that Grandma wasn’t talking in third person like she normally does but was actually telling everyone that Great Grandma has Covid. However, Aiden texted “oh grandma Stadt” before I could reply. He then asked if Grandma Stadt was vaccinated, and thankfully she is, because if she wasn’t she might not only just have a runny nose but also a sore throat. Regardless, Shirley’s grandma is to the point where I am certain she won’t even remember she has Covid. On top of all this my mother in law threw in this classic tidbit “Aunt Nancy is sick too and waiting for her test to come in the mail” then she added an extra, quite important text, “she ordered a home test from Amazon.”

Unfortunately, even though I am Dutch and have a super sweet Ram Truck (Motor Trend Truck of the year 3 years running) this time of the year really brings me down. The parties and festivities, even though I tend to hate people, are something to somewhat look forward to. I had a happy hour set up with a couple attorneys and my super awesome truck was getting some body work done so I had to take Lyft to the location for the happy hour. My driver was black but strangely had LAV playing. As he began to drive me towards my location I started conversing with him and received no response. I quickly realized he had air pods, or some off brand equivalent in his ears. The guy put it on LAV because I am white and middle aged. How offensive! LAV is ok, but give me something that plays Maroon 5 or the Jonas Brothers regularly. Even though mentally this is the worst time of year for me we have somehow managed to plan a number of activities in January that will hopefully make it fly by and allow me to get to spring without having to engage in significant counseling or be prescribed a powerful antidepressant.