This will be the first Christmas season since moving the kids from North Pointe Christian to Caledonia Public Schools where there will actually be school concerts and programs taking place. I want to say that the transition from North Pointe Christian to the Caledonia public school system has been fairly seamless. One of the few blessings that resulted from all the Covid nonsense was the lack of any school programs all of last year. NPC put on a rather large Christmas program every year that was held at Calvin College. Last night I found out that Parker has a Winter program (they can’t even refer to it as a Holiday program) Tuesday night and he has a speaking part. I suggested that he scrap the one line and replace it with “Jesus is the reason for the season!” It would make no sense in the context it was delivered, but it would be hilarious. Shirley even offered him $100 to do it. Sadly, he cares too much what his class mates think about him and is refusing to change his line, or even attend the program for that matter. He did tell us the three songs that were going to be performed at the program, one of them being Polka Penguin.

Verse 1: I know a penguin who likes to polka
Eats tapioca, and lives in Boca Raton

He has some freckles, a lot of speckles
And that is why we call him Polka Dot

Refrain: One and two and waddle waddle
Do the penguin polka
One and two and waddle waddle
Polka, Polka Dot!
(repeat)

Verse 2: This little penguin can only waddle
But he’s a model for any toddling town
He may be spotted, but we applauded
Because we love our little Polka Dot!

Probably best that he refuses to attend the program. Seems like bad parenting to let him off the hook like that, but any parenting lessons that require me to sacrifice typically aren’t given. At least they could sing Jingle Bells or Last Christmas I gave you my Heart (best Christmas song ever RIP George Michael) something that actually pertains to Christmas even if Jesus isn’t even referenced. Regardless, Shirley sent the following email to Parker’s teacher this morning:

Hi Elena,

We are not planning on attending the Winter program.  Due to the current high COVID admissions at the hospital right now, we are trying to stay healthy for Christmas.  I honestly didn’t think it would actually go forward given the current positivity rate, but I understand this must be a political nightmare for the school to consider cancelling, so we are just going to politely bow out.

Parker has a one-line speaking part in the program, I hope it’s not too difficult for him to get a replacement.

So sorry for the late notice. I’ve been overwhelmed at work the past few weeks….

Thank you for understanding!

Shirley

I may have to refer to her as Karen in my blog moving forward. My email would have read as follows:

Dear Elena,

The true reason for the season is our lord and savior Jesus Christ, you have managed to replace my redeemer with a penguin who eats tapioca pudding and lives in Boca Raton. (that makes no sense by the way). While I realize Caledonia is a public school, there are a shit ton of churches in the school district so I’m sure only a few people would actually be offended if Christ is left in Christmas. I’m also a little troubled by the fact that Parker asked me what to call binary people since they don’t identify as anything. I have tried to just bury my head in the sand and ignore the entire issue but to be honest, pick a gender, you can’t just be nothing. If you don’t like the gender you were given pick another one and either pretend to be that one or commit 100% and get the surgery to facilitate that transformation. It is possible he picked up the binary thing during the 85 hours of youtube he watches per week, but as of now I’m blaming the school district. Needless to say, Parker will only be attending if you are wiling to capitulate and allow him to sing Joy to the world solo followed by a scripture reading of the entire Christmas story (the one with Jesus, not Ralphy). I look forward to hearing from you.

On top of the Tuesday Winter Program, Aiden is in fifth grade orchestra and performing in a concert on Thursday night. Not sure what that is called but I don’t think even Shirley can get us out of that one with her alleged fear of Covid. Not only does the fact that Aiden has taken up playing the viola make me question if he is actually my son, but he came in second in his class in the spelling bee. This is my response to the congratulatory email:

He must get that from his mom, I’m terrible at speling. 

Sincerely,
Jason L. Jansma Kortes, Hunting & Jansma, PLLCWEST MICHIGAN DEFENSE TEAM77 Monroe Center NW, Suite 700Grand Rapids, Michigan 49503Phone: 616-456-5457Fax: 616-456-5434Jason@wmdtlawyers.com
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Date: Thursday, December 2, 2021 at 12:42 PM
To: Katrina Mowers <mowersk@calschools.org>, Jason Jansma <jason@wmdtlawyers.com>
Subject: RE: Spelling Bee Finalist!

Awesome!!!!  Thanks for sharing!  

From: Katrina Mowers <mowersk@calschools.org> 
Sent: Thursday, December 2, 2021 11:40 AM

Subject: Spelling Bee Finalist!

Stop. Think. Read. This is an external email. Please use caution when clicking on the links and opening attachments in unsolicited email.

Hi Shirley and Jason, 

I wanted to share with you that Aiden came in 2nd place for our class spelling bee today!

He will move on to the school spelling bee, which will be on January 11.  I gave him the school spelling study list today, and I’ve attached it below for you as well.

Let me know if you have any questions.

In fact I am so bad at spelling that I frequently rely on spell check to fix my spelling errors as I go along. The only problem is that frequently I am so off on the spelling of the word that spell check has no suggestions for me. You know you are a bad speller when you can’t come close enough for spell check to give you a suggestion. In those circumstances, which I would like to say are rare, but aren’t, I have to pull up Google and put in my version of the word and then let Google do the work.

Speaking of Covid, and the irrational fear it brings, I’m on a text string with four other guys and one of them is friends with Shirley on Facebook. She posted something about what an inconsiderate asshole you have to be if you aren’t vaccinated. The guy who saw the post copied it and put it on the text string and indicated that he was tempted to put on the comments that maybe her husband should be vaccinated. I really don’t give a shit either way about the vaccine, if you want to get it, good for you, if you don’t and you end up dying of Covid I’m not going to feel too terribly sorry for you. However, I prefer to have Shirley gainfully employed for the income it provides, but also because it keeps her busy to the point that she pays no attention to me during the day. Had I not contracted Covid at least once, possibly twice, I may have considered the vaccine. However, it didn’t do shit to me the first time and if I had it again, it didn’t do shit to me the second time. I figured my natural immunity was sufficient enough and didn’t necessitate a vaccination that seemed to be a little fly by night as to how it came about. That being said, the idea of growing a third testicle pales in comparison to thought of Shirley losing her job and as a result micromanaging my daily activities. So why not?

Do I or don’t I? I was at a real crossroads as I was on my way to the jail to visit a client. On the way in to the jail I spotted signs advertising a vaccination clinic at the health department. After hitting the jail I stopped at the health department to get my unnecessary jab (I figure Shirley puts up with a lot of unneeded or requested pokes, why can’t I). It turns out you need an appointment but there is a walk in clinic, neither clinic was all that busy so it wasn’t a real big deal. The nurse administering the vaccine told me they had all three available and I indicated I wanted no part of the J and J. They also asked if it was my first time, indicating that they didn’t get many first timers in there anymore. I opted for the left arm so that it wouldn’t impact my forehand in tennis or shooting in basketball. After receiving the shot and getting my second shot set up I headed home and texted the entire Stadt family (Shirley’s mom’s side of the family) a photo of my vaccination card. My cool brother in law claimed that it must be fake and Shirley did not give me the praise I felt like I deserved for taking such a huge risk and sacrificing so much for the good of everyone else. Regardless, after thinking about it, and doing something almost 70% of the population had already foolishly done, it probably wasn’t that remarkable.

I also texted my buddies a screen shot of my vaccination card. They were much more supportive than the Stadt’s were. One of my buddies indicated he doesn’t get headaches but he had a splitting one after his first shot. The side effects are suppose to kick in 12 hours after administration of the shot so I was looking at a 3am onset for any potential side effects. The good news is no third testicle, headache, or anything else. On top of that I beat my buddy in a set of tennis for the first time in one seemed like forever. Good thing I opted for the left arm jab. I guess all those months of wearing a mask in my car while refusing the vaccine were completely unnecessary.