Legalized sports gambling has finally taken the country by storm and is legally recognized in most states. This allows those who choose to do so to sweat out bets where they need “their” team to cover by six in overtime after neither team has scored. Now when I say they, I actually mean me, I had picked the Cowboys to cover by more than a field goal against the Patriots and they didn’t manage to score a TD on the opening OT drive. Why was it crucial for that to happen in order for me to win? Because the odds of Dallas scoring a TD were akin to that of Joe Biden garnering a positive approval rating and turning his presidency into something that would even resemble a success. Was there a chance? Of course there was but I needed a miracle and that miracle came in the form of a missed tackle and Cee Dee Lamb managing to find his way into the endzone.

Normally, after the initial drive of OT fails the team that prevails just kicks a field goal to win because the game turns into sudden death at that point, and that is what Mike McCarthy, one of the dumbest coaches to ever put on a headset, planned on doing until Cee Dee Lamb pranced into the endzone. Normally it goes the other way for me, some miracle happens to prevent me from covering my bet not covering my bet. The reality is that sports gambling is full of anxiety and fraught with regret. Why didn’t I take the Eagles to cover against the Lions? Why didn’t I take the Harlem Globetrotters on the money line against the Washington Generals? Regardless of where you are at as a gambler, there is one gamble that is even higher stakes than betting on sports and that’s gambling on a fart. Typically I am inflicted with Diarrhea at least once a month so I don’t really get too worried when I get a case of the squirts because it usually lasts a day or possibly two max. However, my most recent bought started Saturday and didn’t end until Thursday. I have no sympathy for someone who lost on niners last week when 99% of the money was on them because they were going against Colt McCoy, yes they lost to Colt Fucking McCoy. You know why I don’t have sympathy for them because I lost my underpants after gambling on a fart when I was forced to discard them in a trash can at the park. (This may have actually happened to me more than once)

Diarrhea can be a nice change of pace when its for a day, but when it starts pushing a week, it’s exhausting. The uncertainty of never knowing if you sat on the toilet long enough, nope, there goes my stomach gurgling again, guess I need to go sit on the throne for another five minutes. I had two things putting the kabosh on my extremely regular poop schedule when the runs got me. The first was the runs and the second was being in Phoenix and a different time zone. I’m an 8 am EST pooper and then if it’s a good day I may have another around 10:30 am and if it’s a great day, I have another after lunch. My schedule usually has me arriving in the office for my first dump of the day which also has me with my phone surfing the web. However, my morning ritual goes to shit when I have the runs. I’m too focused on getting it all out to allow my phone to distract me from the task at hand. After morning number three of the squirts keeping me from my most favorite screen time of the day I decided it was time to take something for it instead of letting nature run its course. For a minute it seemed to get the job done but within hours of thinking I was out of the woods, the shits began to reek havoc again.

My return to Grand Rapids on Tuesday didn’t seem to settle my stomach so I doubled down and added pepto bismol to my imodium after a Wednesday night that saw me get out of bed four times in once night. I’m use to getting up twice a night to pee due to my age, but four times to poop is entirely unacceptable. Finally by Thursday night I began to feel somewhat normal and celebrated with a trip to Culvers after my bowling league. Did I jump the gun by going to Culvers? Only time would tell, that afternoon I had ripped off at least a half dozen farts without shitting my pants, why not put my bowels to the test by ingesting some fast food? Friday morning I experienced even more joy than the last time I hit a three team parlay, I had one of the most gratifying deuces in quite some time, oh what a feeling to be back on solid ground and only gambling on sports.