When it came to enrolling the kids in school this year we were fortunate to have options that involved in person learning. Due to the difficulty of distance learning in Spanish we decided to switch the kids from Northpointe Christian to Caledonia Public Schools. Their first day was on the 25th and the school has somehow managed to remain open despite the high school being shut down due to an over reaction to three students and a staff member getting hit by the Vid. Last week as one of Parker’s projects his teacher gave him a piece of colored construction paper where he had to fill out where he went, who he spent time with, what he did, and what he learned. For the where he went portion he stated camping, with a rudimentary picture of our motorhome. For who he spent time with he said his mom and drew a rudimentary picture of them together. For what he did he put “had fun with my dad” but there was no drawing. For what he learned he put “where Natsyis come from”. Shirley was the one who was first to see the project and asked Parker what Natsyis was, and what he really meant was where Nazi’s come from. I do remember the topic of Nazi’s being brought up on our camping trip, but I don’t remember discussing their origins. The funny thing is his teacher put “Great Job !” at the top of his paper.

While school has gone off without the typical amount of hype a normal school year does, the current pandemic has created some problems when it comes to getting the kids to school. Even though I think my kids are soft, it was center of the sun hot for their first week of school and they are required to “Mask Up” on the bus, which has no air conditioning. So, I brought them in the first week, and every other parent did the same thing. This created complete gridlock due to the fact that their school has only one access point for dropping kids off and picking them up. One morning a women in a white Telluride was at the absolute front of the line as no less than 60 of cars waited to get into the drop zone. The kids aren’t allowed to unload until 8:30, so everyone was at a stand still. As the order was given that kids could head in to the school the women got out of her car opened the door for her kid and gave them a hug and a kiss. I have no patience for most people, but this was unforgivable, you think coddling your kids is so important that you are willing to hold up the drop off line for hundreds of people? When I am approaching the drop zone I treat my kids like they are paratroopers, I start prepping them, you got your back back? You got your water bottle? You have your extra underwear? (they don’t really have extra underwear, hopefully they are smart enough that if they have an accident they toss out the soiled underwear and go commando the rest of the day). As we near the drop point I start yelling GO! GO! GO! at the top of my lungs. I’ve always been conscientious about holding people up, there are times when I go through the U scan and am filled with disappointment as I walk to my car knowing I could have done better especially in light of the line I of people I left behind me.

This morning Shirley was already busy on a Zoom call before the kids were even awake. The plan was for them to take the bus which arrives at the bus stop at 7:57. I walked into their room to find them both sleeping in the same bed (they have their own beds). The night prior Aiden had opened our door to see if we were still there and woke me up in the process. Whenever someone wakes me up I lose my shit and start yelling at them. Unfortunately that consequence hasn’t kept him from giving in to his irrational fear that we are just going to up and leave him and Parker in the middle of the night. When I woke them up and asked them why they were in the same bed Aiden immediately claimed Parker, unsolicited, climbed into bed with him. However, I know that’s bullshit because I have heard Aiden whispering to Parker to come into bed with him on multiple occasions.

Parker and I made our way downstairs at roughly t minus 20 and started prepping for their departure to the bus. I made the kids lunches and got a bagel ready for Parker. Unfortunately, Parker didn’t like the socks I picked out for him but he was able to find a pair that met his approval, possibly in the dirty clothes pile that constantly guards our laundry room entryway. The clock was still ticking and Aiden was no where to be found. I asked Parker what was going on with Aiden even though he was just as likely to know as I was. Parker figured he was probably taking a dump as did I. Aiden, despite having his own bathroom with a toilet, sink, and shower, takes a dump in ours every morning along with a shower. I could run a 5k in the time it takes that kid to take a crap so I assumed that he was on the throne and made my way upstairs with a bit of concern that the kids weren’t going to make it to the bus in time. However, instead of finding him on the new toilet with an elongated bowl I installed last month, he was in the shower dipshitting around with a luffa. When I found him in the shower I sternly told him to get out of the shower because he was going to be late for the bus if he didn’t. He accused me of yelling at him and started to cry. I have made a concerted effort to limit my yelling to situations where someone wakes me up, have I been perfect in that attempt, no, but I definitely didn’t yell at him. (also I am fully aware that a fourth grader should not be crying at all, but especially not under the circumstances I just described)

All the commotion caught Shirley’s attention and she indicated that she would bring the kids in to school, alleviating all the anxiety stemming from trying to get the kids to the bus stop by 7:57. Recently, Aiden has gotten into saying “your mom’s so stupid…” not realizing he is referencing his grandma or “kindergartners are so stupid”. So, this morning he started his joke off with “your mom is so stupid” but immediately changed it to kindergartners are so stupid when he saw the look of displeasure on my face. “kindergartners are so stupid that they think serial killers are going to kill their cereal.” Obviously not funny and obviously I am not going to pretend it’s funny. I told him what would actually be funny is to say kindergartners are so stupid that when a serial killer comes around they hide their Frosted Flakes. Both he and Parker agreed that was hilarious and I’m certain Aiden will use it at the most inopportune time today at school and likely botch it in the process.

It’s a blessing and a curse to be as funny as I am. The curse part of it is to see your oldest son utterly fail at comedy 99% of the time. I guess to his credit he keeps trying, and maybe I am his harshest critic and need to put things on a fourth grade level. One of the kids in his class last year said he was the funniest kid in their class, my response was “you know Cole, I just don’t see it.”