In the past I have coached, as both head and assistant, Parker and Aiden’s basketball teams. That being said, I foolishly volunteered to coach Parker’s YMCA 1st and 2nd grade soccer team having little knowledge of soccer. But with no one stepping up to the plate they needed a hero, and well, I appear to be the only one willing to save the day. Unfortunately, I threw my name in the hat before I was told there would be a mask requirement for coaches and players alike during practice (and if games ever happen) games. Yesterday, was the first day of practice and I stopped at Meijer for shin guards and foolishly bought the ones that are socks and shin guards all in one. When Parker tried them on after school he hated them and we had to stop at Meijer again. While Parker played on the phone in my car (there’s actually a misdemeanor in Michigan a parent can be charged with for leaving their child in the car, I’ve left mine in the car 100’s of times, they actually prefer it to going in the store) I raced in to get Socks for him. Not knowing what his exact shoe size was I picked up a medium sized pair. When he started putting them on it was apparent he could get them up to his shoulders. I tried to convince him that they were like tights (which are all the rage these days) but he wasn’t having it. I ran back in and out of the store with a mask on (I have no idea how Whitmer thinks people can work out in a mask, I almost passed out doing roughly 90 seconds of mildly strenuous exercise) to grab a pair of small sized socks. These only went up to his navel, and it took quite a bit of coaxing to talk him into them.

We arrived at the Y to find the entire team assembled on a picnic table. The Y instructions for practices preclude parents from going onto the field and require them to stay behind the fence. As I approached with my bag of disinfected soccer balls (apparently you can transmit the virus if it has contact with a child’s soccer cleats) there was an adult by my team. Immediately I regretted not making Aiden come to practice with me. Initially he had volunteered to be my assistant coach, which had some plusses and minuses to it. First of all, with him as my assistant coach I would look like Bill Belichik when he had Matt Patricia as his defensive coordinator under this scenario. Secondly, I wouldn’t have some parent constantly looking over my shoulder as I coached (verbally assaulted) my team. The downside is that none of the players would listen to anything Aiden said so I would have no help when it came to herding the cats during practice and games (if they ever happen). Regardless, Aiden decided staying home and doing homework was a better option than being my right hand man. Had he been there I could have told the parent I already had an assistant coach and that he could go stand behind the fence with the other parents.

In preparation for practice I searched youtube for soccer drills that I could run the kids through. The problem is that I wrote the drills down but without the video on me to show how to do them I was somewhat lost (I tried to demonstrate the first drill and Parker yelled “you’re just as bad as we are”). I faked my way through what I could fake my way through and then when I ran out of material I decided to find out who the fastest kid on the team was. I asked the team if they wanted to know who the fastest kid on the team was and only the fat kid didn’t. However, there were a few of them who claimed they already knew and they pointed to one of the kids, no idea what his name was or is, the only kids I know are the two Parker’s, mine and the assistant coaches son’s. (His is a complete spazz and wouldn’t listen to me, forcing his dad to try to make him run laps, which his kid didn’t do) I started pitting kids against one another in what looked to be about a twenty yard sprint. While they started out at least five feet apart, most of them inevitably ran across the other’s path leading to multiple collisions. I put the five winners on the line for the final heat and sure enough the kid who was the odds on favorite to be the fastest, was. As the parents were looking on, as well as the head of the sports program for the Y, I kept my mask off. What were they going to do? Fire me? All the other coaches were wearing theirs and some of the kids made somewhat of an effort to wear theirs, but how was I going to effectively yell at the kids with a mask on?

After practice I met up with Shirley and Aiden for dinner at Old Chicago. This was my first trip there since the imaginary thing called Covid ruined my life. I discovered that they had a limited menu, were closing at 8, and there was only one waitress. Ultimately, Shirley and I decided to try a different place and after finding out the wait at the Cheesecake Factory was 90 minutes (shorter than normal) Shirley called the Grand Rapids Beer and bread company which use to be Arnies (what landmark Grand Rapids Eatery is next? Please don’t say Russ’s) The person she spoke to said they were open but I was skeptical, there was one maybe two cars in the parking lot when we initially drove by, and even if they were open, the amount of traffic was not an encouraging sign. I rolled up and a guy came running out to tell me they were only open for carry out, probably the same dipshit who said yes to Shirley when she asked if they were open. The fact that someone answers the phone is a clue you are open, the fact we didn’t proceed to order carry out should have made them realize we meant are you open for dining? It worked out, we landed at Buddy’s and their pizza was solid and it was the rare time I have been there where immediate seating was available.

This morning as we were getting ready for school Aiden took his daily pill without water and immediately began to cry and act like he was going to die. In his quest for water to dislodge the pill, I called him a drama queen and he called me a bitch, this is landmark, he’s never called me anything close to that before, only his brother. When I said I was going to punish him Shirley came to his defense and said that it was justified because I called him a drama queen (which he is, along with a pussy, and a lot of other things). She went on to remind me of all the awful things my dad called me when I was a kid not realizing, that while one would think it had a negative effect on me, it actually toughened me up to the point that no one can hurt my feelings. On top of that, Shirley had just told me how we need to be consistent with one another in our parenting, this may have been in reference to when I told the kids they could watch South Park and Shirley immediately vetoed the idea. I responded by downplaying Shirley’s concern over South Park, indicating the show had a lot of redeeming qualities that overcome it’s glamorization of pedophiles as well as it’s mockery of pretty much every religion including Christianity. That being said, it’s still not nearly as bad as Rick and Morty.

Well, I let the bitch comment slide and on our way to school Parker asked me why I don’t like Joe Biden. Had the kids still been in NPC the twenty minute ride may have been adequate for me to voice all of the displeasures I have with Sleepy Joe. However, we only have seven minutes so I could only go into a few of them. First of all his perpetuation of the fictitious Corona Virus “Pandemic” while only intended to gain him an upper hand in the national election, has ruined my life by forcing me outdoors to play basketball (try shooting three pointers in a swirling 15mph wind) while at the same time precluded me from eating Old Chicago Tavern Thin Pizza and their mouth watering Pepperoni Rolls. On top of that, he won’t stand up to the radical BLM movement that poses under the guise that rioting and looting is a way for blacks to get the justice they deserve for something that happened to their ancestors 100’s of years ago while punishing people who had nothing to do with the biggest transgression of our great nation (I’m referring to how many of the leaders in the movement have refered to this as reparations, and am not addressing the issue of police brutality or racism, I’ll save that for another day, maybe). I didn’t go into all of this, I just rattled off some stuff that kept the conversation moving forward and then explained to them that just because I am likely to vote for Trump it doesn’t mean I like him. I am actually voting against Biden and Harris, more specifically Harris who has the most liberal voting record in the Senate, even more to the left than Bernie Sanders. Regardless, this was a watershed moment for me, my kids, to their credit and because of the internet, know way more of what’s going on in the world than I did at their age. And because of this, I have the opportunity to somewhat shape how they view things now and moving forward (at least until they are teenagers and hate me, and don’t listen to a word I say) I can’t get anyone else to give much credence to anything I say, and Shirley is usually there to throw in her two cents, but that time with them in the car on the way to school will be transformative for all three of us.

On the way to bringing the kids into school on Friday Aiden said to me “they don’t talk about God at all in our new school.” (the kids were now in a public school after spending their entire scholastic career in a Christian school). I responded by telling him that they can’t talk about Jesus in their school because that would be promoting one religion over another which is prohibited by the Constitution (at least I think it is). Aiden went on to say that he routinely asks people if they are Christians, which in his defense is probably one of the lest awkward things he does around strangers and a really good strategy for making friends at his new school. Parker went on to ask me a much a much simpler question “Dad, do they teach you to kill people in military school?” After dropping the kids off at school I had to jet to Hudsonville to handle a drunk driving case where the officer, upon pulling my client over, discovered that she had spilled food all over her chest. Unfortunately, the officer did not elaborate in the police report as to what culinary delight was spilled on her chest but I am going with Nachos Bell Grande.

It’s unusual that I spend much time in the office on a Friday but I found myself there for most of the morning and headed home around 1 so I would have plenty of time to prep for my afternoon outdoor hoop run. I have taken charge of organizing the outdoor runs since Covid hit and made a mistake a seasoned veteran should not make. I ended up panicking and inviting people before all the invitees had weighed in as to their status. Ideally we have 12 show up, but we ended up with fifteen, which would have been fine had a complete rando not surfaced during the middle of the first game. The guy was wearing track pants and no shirt and decided to insert himself into the mix even though it was obvious no one wanted him to join as evidenced by none of the fifteen of us making eye contact with him. I get it, you have no friends, your gym has been closed for six months, and you just want to hoop. However, it was quite evident that our run was a group of guys who knew each other and it had been put together ahead of time. That being said, what do you do? The answer should have been tell him he can’t play. On top of being a rando, he was an obnoxious rando who made Kyrie Irving seem like a team player. Fortunately for me, he managed to get under the skin of not only me, but also the nicest guy who plays with us. Even more fortunate for me, the nicest guy decided to verbally attack him so that I didn’t have to do so (the rando was a lot bigger than me).

The 15mph swirling wind and the fact that the rando showed up on top of invitees taking it upon themselves to invite additional players led to a very forgettable day until I was packing up and heading to my vehicle. We had an additional rando show up who took the originally rando’s place, but instead of being the second coming of Kyrie Irving mixed with Rosie O’Donnell he was a quiet version of Karl Malone, but white and not nearly as good. The new rando, named Pete, and I were talking as everyone was dispersing, when a dude in weenie benders and a polo rolled up and asked “you guys ready to ball? I played in high school and I’m pretty good.” Pete let it slip that we had just got done playing which led to “do you guys play here regularly? What time?” Had Pete not avoided answering the question we would have been forced to find a new hoops venue. Thankfully instead he told him that there is a run at night typically and that people start arriving around 5:30. Captain weenie benders then focused his attention on me and asked “what are your favorite basketball shoes? I like Nike Zooms, they are nice and light.” I don’t like to talk to people even when I shoot 80% form behind the arc and win all my games, when my shooting percentage is in the teens and I only muster one victory I turn into Oscar the Grouch. (also I was certain there had to be a hidden camera somewhere) I didn’t really give him much of a response so he just kept moving forward “Oh, I see you have some Jordan’s there, do you like those?” I realized that I was either going to have to make a run for my car or engage him, and the fact that I couldn’t find my Apple Watch left option one out of the question. “I like them but I have been trying some other shoes as well, I actually have been wearing Adidas lately on top of Nike’s” “So, Kobe’s?” If it wasn’t obvious this guy was a moron to begin with, it was now, Kobe hadn’t been with Adidas since mid range jumpers and defense were all the rage. Thankfully I was able to locate my watch and get the heck out of there, but not before the dude stripped off his polo and began to go to work on his jumper.

When I returned home I discovered that the kids hover boards had arrived and Shirley was in the process of assembling Aidens while Parker was trying his out. To Shirley’s credit this was not a random purchase for the kids, this was a half birthday present, or in Aidens case a 5/6th birthday present since his birthday is in November. Her logic is that since both of the kids have birthdays during inclimate weather months they should be given their birthday presents when it is warm. This is something that has been passed down from her mom who would buy Shirley and her siblings presents months before their birthdays, even when we were just dating I remember Shirley getting a vacuum months ahead of her actual birthday. A vacuum is a gift that can be given and immediately used any time of year so I’m not sure what the logic was, if any, in Shirley receiving the gift well before her birthday. Furthermore, my birthday is in February, but I would have never been able to make the warm weather argument with my parents because my presents sucked no matter what time of year I would have received them, and being able to play with them immediately during the summer wouldn’t have enhanced there value to me. Did a lot of other kids have shitty childhoods? Of course they did, but it didn’t make me feel better about it then nor does it now. What’s great about this half birthday thing for the kids is that they will still get a bunch of presents from Shirley on their actual birthday, it’s what you call a win win as opposed to everything that happened in my child hood which was a lose lose.

Shortly after the hover boards were assembled Shirley brought Parker over to his friend Carl’s (not his real name)house for a sleep over. While it is nice to split the kids up every once in a while so that one of them (Parker) doesn’t kill the other in their sleep, whenever one of them is away the other sleeps in our bed. This means that I don’t even have a shot at talking Shirley into some business time, but sometimes knowing it isn’t going to happen ahead of time is actually better than knowing it isn’t going to happen when you are in the process of trying to make it happen. That being said, we ended up watching the first Matrix, which is rated R, but the internet said was suitable for kids around 12. Due to the fact Aiden is almost ten and has the maturity of a six year old we made the executive decision to let him watch it. The entire movie he kept saying “I don’t know why this is rated R.”

Parker was dropped off the following day and it was determined without any input from me that Carl was going to stay over. This was problematic for a couple of reasons. First of all, Carl and Parker typically go after one another like rabid dogs when they have been together for more than 24 hours and two, I don’t like Carl. I don’t like most kids, but I really don’t like Carl. Whenever Carl doesn’t get his way he threatens to go home, which is fine by me, but he lives twenty minutes away so it’s an empty threat but one that illustrates what a spoiled dick he can be. He threatened to go home when we were going to watch a movie he didn’t like and did so randomly at least three other times. Fortunately, Sunday morning he made the threat for some unknown reason and we took him up on it and immediately shuttled him home. We decided to go to breakfast after dropping him off and everything went well until the bill arrived. I have gone out to eat so infrequently that my tip math is way off, I almost left twice the tip for our waitress due to my infrequency of having to calculate 8% (just kidding, I’m a generous tipper, at least in Dutch circles). I scratched over the initial tip and put down the correct one with very little room to spare, that was a close one and likely something that would have haunted me all the way up to the Lions blowing another sizable 4th quarter lead had I not caught it.

When it came to enrolling the kids in school this year we were fortunate to have options that involved in person learning. Due to the difficulty of distance learning in Spanish we decided to switch the kids from Northpointe Christian to Caledonia Public Schools. Their first day was on the 25th and the school has somehow managed to remain open despite the high school being shut down due to an over reaction to three students and a staff member getting hit by the Vid. Last week as one of Parker’s projects his teacher gave him a piece of colored construction paper where he had to fill out where he went, who he spent time with, what he did, and what he learned. For the where he went portion he stated camping, with a rudimentary picture of our motorhome. For who he spent time with he said his mom and drew a rudimentary picture of them together. For what he did he put “had fun with my dad” but there was no drawing. For what he learned he put “where Natsyis come from”. Shirley was the one who was first to see the project and asked Parker what Natsyis was, and what he really meant was where Nazi’s come from. I do remember the topic of Nazi’s being brought up on our camping trip, but I don’t remember discussing their origins. The funny thing is his teacher put “Great Job !” at the top of his paper.

While school has gone off without the typical amount of hype a normal school year does, the current pandemic has created some problems when it comes to getting the kids to school. Even though I think my kids are soft, it was center of the sun hot for their first week of school and they are required to “Mask Up” on the bus, which has no air conditioning. So, I brought them in the first week, and every other parent did the same thing. This created complete gridlock due to the fact that their school has only one access point for dropping kids off and picking them up. One morning a women in a white Telluride was at the absolute front of the line as no less than 60 of cars waited to get into the drop zone. The kids aren’t allowed to unload until 8:30, so everyone was at a stand still. As the order was given that kids could head in to the school the women got out of her car opened the door for her kid and gave them a hug and a kiss. I have no patience for most people, but this was unforgivable, you think coddling your kids is so important that you are willing to hold up the drop off line for hundreds of people? When I am approaching the drop zone I treat my kids like they are paratroopers, I start prepping them, you got your back back? You got your water bottle? You have your extra underwear? (they don’t really have extra underwear, hopefully they are smart enough that if they have an accident they toss out the soiled underwear and go commando the rest of the day). As we near the drop point I start yelling GO! GO! GO! at the top of my lungs. I’ve always been conscientious about holding people up, there are times when I go through the U scan and am filled with disappointment as I walk to my car knowing I could have done better especially in light of the line I of people I left behind me.

This morning Shirley was already busy on a Zoom call before the kids were even awake. The plan was for them to take the bus which arrives at the bus stop at 7:57. I walked into their room to find them both sleeping in the same bed (they have their own beds). The night prior Aiden had opened our door to see if we were still there and woke me up in the process. Whenever someone wakes me up I lose my shit and start yelling at them. Unfortunately that consequence hasn’t kept him from giving in to his irrational fear that we are just going to up and leave him and Parker in the middle of the night. When I woke them up and asked them why they were in the same bed Aiden immediately claimed Parker, unsolicited, climbed into bed with him. However, I know that’s bullshit because I have heard Aiden whispering to Parker to come into bed with him on multiple occasions.

Parker and I made our way downstairs at roughly t minus 20 and started prepping for their departure to the bus. I made the kids lunches and got a bagel ready for Parker. Unfortunately, Parker didn’t like the socks I picked out for him but he was able to find a pair that met his approval, possibly in the dirty clothes pile that constantly guards our laundry room entryway. The clock was still ticking and Aiden was no where to be found. I asked Parker what was going on with Aiden even though he was just as likely to know as I was. Parker figured he was probably taking a dump as did I. Aiden, despite having his own bathroom with a toilet, sink, and shower, takes a dump in ours every morning along with a shower. I could run a 5k in the time it takes that kid to take a crap so I assumed that he was on the throne and made my way upstairs with a bit of concern that the kids weren’t going to make it to the bus in time. However, instead of finding him on the new toilet with an elongated bowl I installed last month, he was in the shower dipshitting around with a luffa. When I found him in the shower I sternly told him to get out of the shower because he was going to be late for the bus if he didn’t. He accused me of yelling at him and started to cry. I have made a concerted effort to limit my yelling to situations where someone wakes me up, have I been perfect in that attempt, no, but I definitely didn’t yell at him. (also I am fully aware that a fourth grader should not be crying at all, but especially not under the circumstances I just described)

All the commotion caught Shirley’s attention and she indicated that she would bring the kids in to school, alleviating all the anxiety stemming from trying to get the kids to the bus stop by 7:57. Recently, Aiden has gotten into saying “your mom’s so stupid…” not realizing he is referencing his grandma or “kindergartners are so stupid”. So, this morning he started his joke off with “your mom is so stupid” but immediately changed it to kindergartners are so stupid when he saw the look of displeasure on my face. “kindergartners are so stupid that they think serial killers are going to kill their cereal.” Obviously not funny and obviously I am not going to pretend it’s funny. I told him what would actually be funny is to say kindergartners are so stupid that when a serial killer comes around they hide their Frosted Flakes. Both he and Parker agreed that was hilarious and I’m certain Aiden will use it at the most inopportune time today at school and likely botch it in the process.

It’s a blessing and a curse to be as funny as I am. The curse part of it is to see your oldest son utterly fail at comedy 99% of the time. I guess to his credit he keeps trying, and maybe I am his harshest critic and need to put things on a fourth grade level. One of the kids in his class last year said he was the funniest kid in their class, my response was “you know Cole, I just don’t see it.”