Spring break week normally involves warm weather vacations for most people, to be honest I can’t  tell you what we did last year, but I know we didn’t go on a trip.  My guess is the weather here was also brutal and what makes that suck is 90% of the people you know are gone to warm weather destinations and either texting you photos or posting on social media, a painful reminder of how awful Michigan can be in early spring.  This year pretty much everyone is in the same boat, we are stuck in Michigan on spring break.  However, the weather has been exceptional so far.  This has made life with Aiden and Parker much more manageable.  While I did go into the office on Monday, which I can barley remember and it was only 3 days ago, I ended up spending some time with the kids when I got home before I headed out to golf.   We found some old water balloons that were left over from last year and had a water ballon fight.  We went through the water balloons quicker than a hospital goes through protective gear so I ordered some more on Amazon thinking with Shirley’s Prime account they would arrive in 15 to 30 minutes.  However, after I finalized and paid for the order the shipment date of April 11 was provided.

I loaded up the kids and headed to Wal Marts (I know I hate Wal Marts but I had already ventured to Meijer that day and I am trying to spread things out as a way to avoid being detected for violating the executive order).  I was not overly optimistic about the chances of finding water balloons at a store in early April.  (these aren’t the water balloons we grew up with, you attach a hose to a bunch of roughly 30 of them and they instantly fill up with water and tie themselves). My unfamiliarity with Wal Marts led to me roaming the aisles in search of the water balloons while trying to stay 6 feet away from the 4 other people in the store.  After almost giving up I found the water balloons and also grabbed some popsicles for the kids.  I raced home and put my golf gear on, there was no way to avoid Shirley and she instantly said “you’re golfing again!”   It wasn’t really a question, I just kept my head down and said “yep”.  I had thrown a couple chickens on the smoker before I left and instructed Shirley to take them off in a couple hours. (I’m always putting my family first)

I could have easily golfed 18 holes but decided to stop after 11 so that I could make it home in time to have dinner with my family (I haven’t been spending enough time with them lately, while it’s about 450% more than normal, it’s still not enough).  The next morning I cleaned up the kitchen (I’ve lost count of times I have done this, just as I have lost track of the number of days I have been in captivity) and did some other things as the kids played video games with one of Aiden’s classmates online.  Whenever the kids log on he is there, whenever they log off he is there.  Shirley was sitting on the couch doing something and she heard Conrad talking, apparently one of the kids had not logged off their I pad before leaving it behind.  She said “good night Conrad”.   I am pretty sure he spends 100% of his waking life online gaming.

I pulled the kids off their devices around 10 and we headed out to play tennis but before we could hit the ball around I went to a park to scout a potential outdoor basketball court for some potential outdoor hoops.  Tennis went fairly well but to get the intensity and interest up a bit I incentivized the game.  If they were able to get a certain number of returns back to me I would buy them candy.  That went fairly well but they wanted to up the stakes.  So, I told them candy and a slushee (later realizing all fountain drinks have been shut down due to Corona).  Finally, I put the ultimate prize on the line, Jimmy John’s.  They had to get 15 balls back to me and the final point had to actually be a real point and they had to do it in the number of balls I had in the basket (roughly 45). Parker returned the first 3 that were hit to him and Aiden missed or mishit all of his, Parker began yelling at Aiden and telling him he sucked.  (it’s an approach I use in basketball when my teammates let me down) Eventually Aiden began to get about 3% of the balls hit to him over and ended up hitting the game winner.  (it felt like the ending to a Disney movie). During that time Parker threw his racket 3 times out of over all frustration and anger (serenity now doesn’t work for me and it probably won’t work for him).

I ran them home and was going to meet up with my buddy to shoot hoops but had yet to find a court that was open that had a 3 point line.  So, instead the kids and I headed towards the East Kentwood track which had a potential court I could scout on the way.  Shirley called as we pulled up to the track to “check in” and I was going to just leave the kids on their devices while I got my work out in.  However, her call made me feel guilty so I decided to take them in with me and have them run suicides with me, sort of.  The latest toy that has caught their eye is the nerf guns that shoot the round bullets and are pretty fucking sweet if you ask me.  After we ran a few suicides I told them that they could race one another and the winner would get to pick out a new gun.  For a proper suicide you run 25 yards out and back, 50 yards out and back, 75 yards out and back, 100 yards out and back.  They took off running and Parker was in the lead, Aiden gave up 20 yards in and said he really didn’t need another gun.  Parker kept going and when he made it to the other goal lien I told him he had to beat me back.  He gave it his all and managed to earn a new gun.

Once again I had to hustle to the golf course and Shirley was less than pleased.  Parker face timed me when I was still on the front nine ordering me to come home immediately so we could have a water balloon fight.  As I made the turn I got a call from Shirley asking me where the water balloons were (she has no idea how to properly run a water balloon fight) and I told her they were in my car.  Fortunately I live five minutes from the course and was close to my car so I could unlock it so she could come get the balloons.  However, for some reason when I though I remotely unlocked it it didn’t unlock, at least according to Shirley, it’s entirely possible she was trying to open a different Jeep Grand Cherokee.  Regardless, no water balloon fight took place and I received another call on the back nine asking me when I was going to be home.  I really need to be more of a dick to my wife and kids so they let me golf in peace and don’t want me around.  I was overly optimistic about how long it would take to play the last four holes and assured them I would be home in 20 minutes it was similar to when you are late and tell someone you will be there in five minutes only to show up a half hour later to your destination. It took me roughly an hour to get home. Fortunately,  I was able to have a proper water balloon fight with the kids as I got the grill going and grilled some burgers.  Just as we were wrapping things up the rain started to come down, talk about timing.

Yesterday I warned Shirley early in the morning that I was planning on golfing so that I would avoid the brush back when she saw me in my golf gear.  My alternative was to hide my golf clothes in my car and just change at the course and claim some work related activity that was going to take 4 hours but I’m pretty sure Shirley wouldn’t fall for that one. (I did dress up in a suit once pretending to go to court when Shirley was home on maternity leave with Aiden and I worked out of the house, only to actually go to the gym and play basketball) but Shirley has become much wiser to my ways having been married to me for 10 plus years.  My morning errands involved me going to Pet Smart to get crickets for Oscar (our bearded dragon) as well as scout Target’s nerf gun selection and grab a pair of flip flops as well.  The kids were on their screens the entire time I was running errands but I was hopeful that when I met up with my buddy (I finally found a court with a 3 point line) the kids would play outside.  My buddy brought his son and daughter and they had two remote control cars, my kids feigned interest for five minutes and then retreated to my Jeep to get back on their devices. (it’s hopeless)  When we returned home Shirley was in the kitchen preparing herself lunch (I didn’t realize she could prepare food) and Aiden slipped up and told her I was playing basketball and they were on their devices, when she interrogated him as to what we had been up to that morning.  She immediately gave me the look and lit into me about how they are on their screens too much.  I pretended like I was concerned and apologized and snuck in another water balloon fight to make up for my transgressions prior to heading to golf.

As I was getting ready for golf Aiden was getting into the shower and saw a sign that read Parking For Dad Only that Parker had bought me for a Christmas present.  He said to Parker “we should put this on mom’s butt” and started laughing.  He didn’t mean it in the sexual way, at least I hope he isn’t at that level of sexual intuitiveness yet, but he did think it was hilarious.  I have to admit it was quite funny, the sad thing is Shirley is close to becoming a no parking zone with all the time we are spending together.