TONY THE TIGER URGES FELLOW FELINES TO SOCIAL DISTANCE

Tony the Tiger at his press conference in Battle Creek Michigan

By: Randy Coitus  (AP contributor)

April 6, 2020 at 6:21 a.m. EDT

On the heels of a family of tigers at the Bronx Zoo testing positive for the Corona Virus, Tony the Tiger held a press conference yesterday to emphasize the importance of social distancing not only for humans but also for Tigers.  Surprisingly, due to the fact that the only words anyone thought Mr Tony Tiger knew were “They’re Great”, Mr. Tiger came off as quite articulate at the press conference.

“It’s quite disturbing that four Tigers have tested positive for the Corona Virus, there are roughly 4,000 Tigers in the wild and 10,000 in captivity globally, we really need to make sure we are responsible felines and stay six feet away from one another.  While I doubt we will, as a feline community, need to rush to the grocery store to get our paws on as much toilet paper as we possibly can, there are things we need to be cognizant of that may be in short supply, especially our domesticated cousins.  Cat litter and Nip are the first two things I would be rushing to the store to purchase if I were held captive in someone’s home.”

The call from Mr. Tiger was met with mixed results in the Tiger community.  One Tiger who preferred to remain anonymous responded “What a hypocrite, you see that red handkerchief around his neck? shouldn’t it be over his mouth, fuck that guy!”  However, Buster, the Tiger formerly owned by Mike Tyson sympathized with Mr. Tiger (Tony) and could easily understand why he would be so concerned.  “The guy has been living on breakfast cereal for 50 years, no way he doesn’t have type 2 diabetes at this point, and while he appeared to be in shape at his press conference, they say the cameras can hide at least 60lbs if they shoot you from the proper angles.  If I had diabetes and was over weight I’d be calling for social distancing as well as all the other protective measures that the humans are putting in place.”

At press time it was reported that a number of zoos were taking down tire swings and other obstacles that attracted the tigers and caused them to congregate and ignore proper social distancing requirements.  In addition, zoos have been trying to get the Tigers to wear rubber gloves and masks when going anywhere that would expose them to those outside of their household.  This has been a bit problematic because the claws easily penetrate even the thickets of rubber gloves and when the workers try to put masks on the Tigers it typically results in the loss of a finger or even a hand.

Governor Gretchen Whitmer a fellow resident of Tony the Tiger in the state of Michigan and someone who has been mentioned as a possible democratic vice presidential candidate had this to say.  “We all have to make sacrifices during these trying times.  I want to emphasize that when I said no leisurely drives to clear your head or just get out of the house, I also meant it for Toonces the Driving cat, these restriction apply to all living creatures not just humans.  Even if you are thinking of murdering your family, do not go for a drive to clear your head, just lock yourself in the basement until the urge passes.”

Exotic Joe had yet to be reached for his thoughts on social distancing by Tigers.  However, however a source close to him (his cell mate and if things go right his fourth husband) indicated that Exotic Joe is quite certain Carol Baskin is behind the infection of the family of Tigers at the Bronx Zoo with the Corona Virus (aka The Carol Baskin Virus).