I have kept quiet all season long about my coaching exploits in the YMCA Mary Free Bed boy’s basketball league but now that the season is winding down it’s time to hit some of the highlights of the season.  First of all I need to divide it into two segments, I was head coach for Parker’s team and assistant coach on Aiden’s team so I will cover Parker’s team first and then discuss Aiden’s and his team’s progression through what has been a trying season primarily due to the wide gap between 3rd and 4th grade boys.

Going into the final game prior to Christmas break I was on the fence about a second session, but that game, which in hindsight was a complete anomaly, was akin to Hickory High when they finally listened to Gene Hackman and put it all together.  They were passing, they were scoring, they were playing D.  So, I got the band back together for the second session.  However we had a few casualties to ski season and picked up four new players to take the place of the two we lost.  With a full roster and the team gelling I was ready to start kicking some first grade butt.  However, the Y threw a curve ball my way.  At our first practice with the new squad one of the parents was there to introduce himself and tell me his son was EI (emotionally impaired).  Part of me wanted to respond “aren’t we all?”  But I remained stone faced and empathetic.  EI went on to make one kid almost twice his size cry during our initial practice along with attacking a number of the other players on his team.

The first and second game of new half of the season saw me handing the reigns over to my assistant coaches while I vacationed in Costa Rica.  When I returned I found out EI attacked our point guard when the point guard didn’t pass him the ball.  Guess what?  Other than the anomaly game heading into Christmas Break our point guards have passed the ball a total of zero times.  If passing the ball was a criteria for point guard attacks our squad would be the WWF of the Y league.  Fortunately my assistant saw the attack coming and was able to intervene.  Also, fortunately for our point guard I wasn’t there because I would have probably let it play out for a couple of reason.  First of all, I could have told all of the aspiring point guards on my team (every single kid on my team because they ask me after every break;  “Can I be point guard! Can I be point guard!) that that is what happens when you don’t pass the ball, EI attacks you.  Secondly, EI would probably be suspended for at least one game if not the season.  While I don’t think the Y has implemented a policy regarding fighting your own teammates I would assume the policy about fighting opponents would still apply and the punishment for taking out your own point guard would be the same as taking out the opposing point guard.  I found out later on that EI is also enrolled in karate due to the fact that his dad informed me he wouldn’t be at a game because he was getting his black belt in karate.  Good to know EI will be able to karate chop his way to a special place in his point guard’s heart.

Upon my return I ran up against a total bro who was probably in the Forest Hills system. He was wearing bedazzled jeans and came up to me before the game and said “can we try to keep the teams on the floor even?”  What I think he meant was I am going to play my best players as much as possible but you should play all your players equally even if they suck.  It was like Ground Hog’s day once play began, one kid on my team who always gets hurt every practice and every game got hurt and EI mauled friend and foe.  While they don’t keep score in first grade, we were getting curb stomped and I was thankful that the clock was winding down and then out of no where Broseph called a time out with a minute left in the fourth quarter.  I didn’t even know we had timeouts nor had  I witnessed anyone call a timeout the entire season.  We don’t keep score why the hell would you call a timeout?  I tried to keep it together and gave Broseph the benefit of the doubt and waited to see if he called the timeout to get a different player in, possibly his son, so his son could get a garbage time bucket.  No such luck, he didn’t sub in a new player I think the timeout was to run particular play (my teams only play is to have the point guard pick up his dribble 40 feet from the basket and for all four other players to continually yell his name).  I’ll be honest, while it was rewarding to see my team put it all together for one game, the 32 minutes a week I coach Parker’s team (4 eight minute quarters) are the longest 32 minutes of my week.

Aiden’s team was a different kind of frustrating, most of the season we played fourth grade teams.  This would have been fine if we had a few fourth graders but we don’t and the difference between fourth graders and third graders is the difference between a major league DH that uses HGH and one that doesn’t.  Most of the games we lost were by thirty points or more and we only had one game where we even sniffed a victory, ultimately losing by 6.  One particular game was more demoralizing than finishing last place at the special olympics with a team of unspecial players.  This game involved a team with a player whose dad plays regularly at MVP, we call him injury Tim because he has been the cause of a number of catastrophic injuries at MVP.  His son hit a 3 and did the 3 finger gesture on the side of his head (what a dick).

However, I had never seen a kid even attempt a 3 let alone make one so I was caught off guard by the attempt and corresponding make so I didn’t offer a response to his dad who was standing by the gym exit roughly 40 feet from me.  He hit another one and did the feed me gesture (what an asshole)

Did I kind of wish he was my kid? Of course I did, but mainly because I would punish him severely for showing other kids up and being a raging asshole.  This time his father and I locked eyes and I made sure his dad realized how inappropriate I thought this was.  His dad just started laughing and appeared to think it was great.  After the game I went over and spoke to injury Tim and said to him he should probably advise his son not to continue showing up opponents because someday he will run into the YMCA version of me on the court and his opponent will take him out.  In hindsight I wish I would have used a timeout so that I could have instructed one of our least important players to teach the kid a lesson.