A little over ten years ago my wife made the mistake of marrying me, exacerbating that mistake by having two kids with me shortly after our nuptials.  That mistake would have been easily fixable without kids but now she has very few options that don’t complicate her life more than it already is if she wants to get rid of me.  To celebrate that mistake (and huge win on my part) we went to Costa Rica, but not right after our wedding (7/11/09) but instead in the winter/spring we honeymooned. (it’s hard to really point to a date when winter becomes spring in Michigan even though the calendar gives us one every year)  We didn’t know a ton about Costa Rica when we booked our trip ten years ago.  On our honeymoon we flew into San Jose and headed to Santa Teresa which is on the Pacific Ocean.  We took a prop plane from San Jose and when we landed we were an hour from the hotel we were suppose to stay at that night.  Speaking no Spanish and with no one at the airstrip speaking English left Shirley and I in a bit of a panic when we landed.  Miraculously we were able to point and gesture our way to finding our hotel for  with a local Costa Rican (Tico) at the wheel.  I realize its hard to visualize life without GPS and a phone guiding you wherever you need to go, but we didn’t have the benefit of any technology to get us there, just a general idea of where the place was, and to make matters worse they don’t have street addresses in Costa Rica.

For the rest of the time we were on the Pacific we stayed at a Villa and we told the owner we were concerned about the weather because the long range forecast had thunderstorms in it almost every day.  He just laughed at us and told us it doesn’t rain there from September to May.  He was right, it was sunny and 90 every day we were there.  Ultimately we left the sunny warm weather on the Pacific for the rainy gloomy weather of La Fortuna (the rain forest) to end our honeymoon.  It was a tough adjustment but in the Rain Forest’s defense there was some spectacular stuff to see and we went zip lining over a waterfall that included runs that were over one thousand meters long and three hundred meters high.

So, to celebrate ten years of somewhat wedded bliss we decided to recreate our honeymoon but with one exception, we brought the kids with us.  There are quite a few cons to bringing your kids with you on any vacation, but we had one thing going for us, at least we thought we had one thing going for us, they are both in Spanish Immersion and were going to be our interpreters if we ran into any language barriers on the trip.  We arrived in San Jose Costa Rica on the 17th around 9pm and stayed at the Hampton Inn I only mention this because on our honeymoon Shirley booked the Holiday Inn for us but instead of in Costa Rica she booked the Holiday Inn in San Jose California.  Whoops!  Fortunately I am a very forgiving and tolerant person and let it slide (She probably should have got out right then and there base upon what should have been deemed an honest mistake).  This time we headed up to the Rain Forest first to get the cloudy miserable part out of the way in the beginning and not the end.  Our first go round we stayed right in the town near the Volcano but this time Shirley booked a place that was a nature preserve right in the middle of the jungle.  When you go to a foreign country there are plenty of things you need to get use to, like in Canada they have a place called the beer store and they only sell beer there and you have to go to another store to by liquor, it’s even more inefficient than socialized medicine if you ask me.  Well, in Costa Rica when you wipe your butt (or I guess your vagina, I think that’s what women do after they pee) you have to put the toilet paper in the trash can because their septic can’t handle butt wipe.  This obviously takes a few wipes to get use to and I found myself throwing some TP in the toilet every now and again.

Through some miracle it was sunny and 85 the entire time we were in the Rain Forest (other than at night of course, it’s not Alaska, it does get dark there).  So, we ended up spending some time by the pool and I had to use the restroom.  I went into one of the stalls by the pool and it had the handiwork or Parker written all over it, it was a grade A plug job with at least a half a roll of toilet paper in it.  I came out and asked Parker if he plugged the toilet and he was so eager to respond its as if he left a painting of the Mona Lisa in the stall.  Unfortunately, as proud as he was, he was unwilling to go tell one of the employees in Spanish that he had plugged the toilet. However, it looked like it could become a code red at any moment so I told Aiden to tell one of the workers. I also told him to emphasize the fact that it was his brother and not him that plugged the toilet.  Didn’t want Aiden having the help spit in his pineapple juice when Parker was the one who actually plugged the toilet.

After two nights in the jungle (I still hadn’t had sex on the trip due to the fact that the kids were sleeping in the same room as us and each of them was in one of our beds) we headed for the Pacific Coast.  This involved a couple hours of driving and catching a ferry that was dropping us off near the hotel we were staying at that night (same room again with the kids so the vacation sex draught was likely to continue).  I did all of the driving in Costa Rica, why you ask?  For one, I am an excellent driver, and on top of that Shirley has the depth perception of Mr. Magoo.  The roads in Costa Rica are winding and rarely is there a straight away, this type of topography would be problematic for the survival of our family if Shirley was driving.  Was there a price to pay for me driving all the time?  Of course there was, Shirley was constantly telling me how to drive and flipping out anytime I passed someone on a curve (nobody drives all that fast there so if a head on collision was going to happen we likely would have survived).

One of the other problems with Costa Rica besides their lethargic septic systems, is that all the roads are windy, the people are mostly terrible drivers (handicap drivers in Prius’s are better than 90% of the people on the roadways of Costa Rica), and the roads there make Michigan’s look like a super high way with all the potholes and straight up holes they have in them.  So, it’s often hard to tell how long it is going to take to get somewhere and every thing is in Kilometers making it even more difficult to figure out since my brain only knows how miles work.  We needed to make it to the ferry in time to catch the 2pm or we would have to wait until 5 for the next one.  Thanks to my excellent aggressive driving we made it with time to spare.  Shirley took the kids with her to buy tickets to the ferry and gave me the original ticket for the car.  They boarded the fairy while I waited in line to get the car on.  However, when I got to the front ready to drive on the fairy the guy taking tickets would not let me on.  He kept pointing to my ticket indicating he couldn’t accept it.  He tried to translate what he needed to say into English with his phone but I figured out that he required the copy of the ticket not the original.  I hopped out of my Suzuki praying that someone would drive it off the pier and ran onto the fairy shouting “Shirley!” at the top of my lungs like a complete maniac.  It was reminiscent of Brando shouting Stella in a Street Car Named Desire.  Wouldn’t you know it, Shirley made her way to the front of the boat with the kids, exasperated I managed to run back with my copy and board the ferry as the vehicles piled up behind me.  I’m sure the people lining up behind me were thinking the Spanish version of “fucking Americans” the entire time I was tracking down Shirley.

The ferry ride was uneventful and it was probably a good thing that Shirley switched our hotel from the city where we left from on the ferry (which resembled a war zone) to a hotel near the ferry with an Infiniti pool and a spectacular view of the Pacific Ocean.  The owner of the hotel was from Switzerland and it probably goes without saying, was attractive.  Not sure how she ended up in Costa Rica but with all the pussy running around the place my head was starting to spin.  Yes, there were actual stray cats on the grounds of the hotel and one of them found their way into our room.  Ultimately I was forced to grab it by the tail and pull it out from under one of the beds while it tried to scratch and bite me, I wouldn’t even put up with that kind of behavior from Jasper and he can pee on a toilet.  That night we had dinner at the hotel with another couple we had just met at the pool, their kids ate at the table with our kids and the meal was heavenly, I don’t even remember what food was served but to eat dinner with another couple and engage in adult conversation was amazing.  The next morning the kids headed to the pool and I saw my window, which didn’t need to be a big window, only about a 45 seconds, heck our kids couldn’t have even drowned in the window that I required.  It was a much needed release before we set sail for our final destination on the Pacific Coast.

If you live in the north you know that February is the worst month of the year.  That being said, us Michiganders have had it fairly easy so far this year.  Very little snow and temperatures that have been unseasonably mild.  The Farmer’s Almanac was predicting a mild and wet winter and so far that is how it has played out.  Despite the balmy temperatures, a lack of sunshine has caused some suicidal thoughts on my part.  However, as of this week we had yet to get a snow day, and when I say we I mean my kids.  Unfortunately, the powers that be at NPC realized this and decided to take two days off this week due to illness so they could disinfect the school.  Normally that wouldn’t be a big problem, but the Jansma’s are heading to Costa Rica today and we really could have used the two days in school so that Shirley and I could focus on work before we left.  We managed with Shirley taking the kids Wednesday and working from home and me taking the kids yesterday (notice I didn’t say and working from home).  My job isn’t real conducive to working from home.  Parker hit the jack pot though, it was his birthday Thursday and while I made him a cake from scratch, he and Aiden played on my phone and other electronic devices.

Lunch time rolled around and the kids decided to pass on their number one lunch go to, Jimmy John’s, in favor of Chipotle.  They both wanted burritos instead of the standard Cheese Quesidilla (the profit margin on these is 99.9%).  Did I think it was a complete waste of money to get them burritos the size of my head (not their heads, they take after Shirley’s side of the family and have abnormally large heads, especially Aiden)?  Of course I did, but it was Parker’s birthday so I figured why not.  After I got done eating my burrito and watching them struggle even to hold on to theirs without its contents falling into their lap I went tanning and then headed home.  I had a bunch of shit to do so I told them they could watch Return of the Jedi which required me trying to figure out how to use my phone for a remote control for our Apple TV. It was similar to my mom trying to figure out how to put photos on her Craig’s List adds peddling her antiques.  Fortunately, I could feel my kid’s pain as I asked them how to turn my phone into a remote having gone through the Craig’s list photo posting experience multiple times with my mom.  Parker showed an incredible amount of patience wich along with his big head must have come form Shirley’s side of the family.  Eventually I transformed my phone into a universal remote and the kids opted for the Simpsons instead of Return of the Jedi.

As I was packing and getting things done around the house, my kids called an audible and were able to watch YouTube through my phone on the television, my head almost exploded at the thought of trying to accomplish such a feat on my own at the age of 45 let alone at the age of 7.  The strange thing is my kids when given the option of watching a classic cartoon show like the Simpson or watching someone play video games, choose watching someone play video games.  After running to D n W to pick up some stuff for parker’s birthday party that night I decided to hang with my kids.  I told them no more you tube and we started to watch another Simpson’s episode.  However, Parker was bored with the Simpsons and wanted to watch Rick and Morty.  I was flabbergasted that he knew what Rick and Morty was and that he wanted to watch it.  For those of you who don’t know, it’s hilarious and it is on Cartoon Network but only late, really late.  It’s adult themed but it does bleep out the F word when Rick drops a bomb, which is quite often.  Since my kids already know what the F bomb is I figured why not?  My question is, is it bad parenting to expose them to this if they already know all the bad words that are being said and don’t really catch the adult themed humor?  This particular episode was somewhat innocuous because it involved Morty being targeted by a planet of snakes who were sent to kill him because he had altered their time space continuum by killing an astronaut snake from their planet when he was with Rick in outer space and then trying to fix his error by replying the alien snake with a snake from earth.  Hilarious right?  However, there was an episode where Morty ends up getting a sex bot and only leaves his room to rehydrate (I think he is 13 or 14 in the show).  I’ll probably save that one for when they are about to explode into puberty.

Regardless of the indiscretion I used, Shirley’s aunt and grandma rolled in for the birthday party mid Rick and Morty so we had to shut her down.  My mom and dad along with Shirley’s sister and her two kids also eventually showed up for the festivities.  Things went well, cheese pizza is probably the easiest way to bring together meat eaters and vegetarians.  However, the cake I made was not nearly the hit I had hoped it would be.  My mom decorated it and it looked great.  While serving it’s purpose for photo ops with the birthday boy (my mom also made a raspberry pie but you can’t take a birthday photo with a raspberry pie in front of you) it lacked in actual functionality. To be honest it was not light and fluffy, it was solid, kind of like a strawberry shortcake.  Aiden and Aiden’s cousin Maddy both said they were not a big fan of the cake, my dad only ate half of his which meant he wasn’t a big fan of the cake and aunt Jane said it was great, while Shirley’s 90 year old grandma ate all of hers and probably didn’t even remember it 45 seconds later.  Ultimately, I ate the cake and instantly realized it sucked.  Fortunately there was Raspberry pie to help me overcome the pain of failing in the cake department.  While the frosting was amazing (Parker had it earlier when he licked off the spatula and mixer I used to make it and said it was the best frosting he ever had) the cake mix in a box is the way to go.  It’s the rare instance where less work creates a better product.