We have had some close calls at the Jansma household when it comes to pets.  At one point Shirley insisted on getting a rabbit and prior to doing so she bought all the lumber to build a rabbit hutch.  While a lot of that lumber still sits in our garage some of it was put to use to construct planting boxes for our garden this summer and ultimately Shirley realized a rabbit was a bad idea.  However, when Aiden went to Camp Roger this summer they had various types of lizards there, including bearded dragons.  Well, that planted a seed in to Shirley’s head that we had to get a bearded dragon.  She told me when she brought it home “it was only ten dollars” my response was “maybe, but all the other shit probably cost at least $200” to which she said “I’m not telling you what it ended up costing”.  I do think she went a little over board by buying Oscar one of those massage lounge chairs that you typically see at the Sharper Image or other frivolous stores where people go in just to test their products but never end up buying anything,  which probably explains why there is a bunch of Sharper Image stuff for sale at TJ Maxx, Marshals, and Nordstrom Rack.  Oscar doesn’t have any back problems or stress though, so he’s go that going for him or her, hard to figure out the gender of a lizard their ding dong doesn’t hang out like most other animals.

The massage chair, aquarium, fake tree he hangs out in, water dish, light to keep him warm and other various items, while expensive, were a one time expenditure and totally worth it to have a pet who does….well absolutely nothing.  He just sits on his fake log and makes it look like he’s looking at you but he isn’t because he has even worse eye sight than Mr. Magoo.   On top of that, a couple weeks ago he was a bit sluggish and was moving around even less than normal.  Shirley was contemplating taking him to the vet while I thought about flushing his scaly ass down the toilet.  Turns out he was constipated as evidence by a huge dump he left in his cage for Shirley the following morning.  Probably need to get a little more fiber in his diet or put some coffee in his water dish.  Unfortunately the start up costs I mentioned pale in comparison to what it takes to keep Oscar alive and shitting.   Oscar survives primarily on crickets.  He/She loves Crickets and it is the only time he moves at any type of pace.  You throw a few crickets in his cage and he’s like Pac-man eating dots, just picking them off one by one as fast as he can.  The problem with Crickets is they don’t live very long so you have to stop at the local pet store on a regular basis to pick up the crickets and crickets don’t come cheap.  I guess it’s totally worth it for a pet who just sits in his cage and pretend stares at you and once in a while takes gigantic shits.  (reminds me of when my kids first started taking dumps on the toilet, I was always shocked at how big their turds were, it defied logic that that much poop could be contained in one little kid)

So, Oscar has been living the dream but the road has gotten a little bumpy lately, somehow Jasper (our cat who can pee in the toilet) has figured out there is some type of creature in the aquarium but he’s not sure what to make of it, is it food?  Entertainment? Possibly a companion?  I caught him a couple times sitting in front of the aquarium as if it were a television just staring at Oscar, he probably thought they were bonding since Oscar was fake staring right back at him.

Things came to a head on Saturday morning, I was just about to get out of bed when I heard a thud.  Seemed a bit unusual but I wasn’t too terribly alarmed by the noise.  I went in to Oscar’s room (he has his own room) to get some clothes out of the closet.  My clothes were in there because we had Critter Control take all of the insulation out of our attic because it was filled with bat shit from the 30 or so bats living in our attic and the access point to the attic was in my closet.  When I went in to the room Oscar had a friend in his cage with him.  Sitting next to him in his cage was Jasper with a “how the hell did I get in here?” look on his face and a “how the hell do I get out of her?” look as well.  I don’t think Oscar could see Jasper even though Jasper was two inches from him because he is the Mr. Magoo of the reptile world, but I think he knew something was amiss because his beard was out, which is a sign that he is agitated or constipated.  Oscar had a screen on the top of his cage that fat ass jasper fell through when he was climbing on his cage.  I’m starting to wonder how fat (he’s already quite fat) Jasper has to get before it infringes on his jumping ability and would it be worth the risk of feline diabetes to keep him from jumping on everything in our house?

I made Shirley get out of bed and look at the scene, it was something you would expect to see in a Norman Rockwell painting with Jasper and Oscar perched next to each other in Oscar’s cage.  Shirley grabbed Jasper by the Scruff with both hands and yanked him out of the cage, Jasper responded by making the noise most cats make when you try to stuff them in a cat carrier to take them to the humane society, kind of a blood curdling MRRROW.   The good news is Oscar has a new Jasper proof top on his cage and  Shirley’s next pet acquisition is going to be chickens and she assures me they will remain out side.

 

 

Normally I don’t do what I don’t want to do.  However, this past weekend was the exception where I attended a harvest party thrown by someone Shirley works with and attended a 50th birthday party for Shirley’s boss Neal (not his real name).  Shirley was quite excited about the harvest party and pretended to dread the birthday party although I knew deep down she couldn’t wait.  Her excitement for the 50th b-day party had nothing to do with her feelings about Neal but were more about the opportunity it presented to network and rub elbows with the who’s who of Spectrum Health.  Shirley, while often times stressed out about her job and frequently frustrated with the inter workings of Spectrum Health, loves doing what she does and I’ll be honest, I am somewhat jealous.  I endure my job, Shirley can’t get enough of her’s so much so that she closed down the birthday party (we drove separately because I was getting the hell out of there as quickly as I could).

Back to the harvest party.  I had to attend a conference in the morning and received a call from Shirley after the conference as I was getting a quick work out in asking me when I was going to be home so we could get to the party.  Ultimately, she decided to go separately with the kids and I met her there.  She was genuinely concerned that I would end up no showing, as she should have been, but I actually showed up and spent a decent amount of time at the party. The party was so painful that to avoid small talk I opted to carve my kids pumpkins.  The host of the party provided the pumpkin carving tool that has an orange handle and a blade made to look like a miniature hacksaw but with the cutting ability of a marshmallow.  It was cold on Saturday and the harvest party was in a barn, as I pulled the guts out of the pumpkins my hands began to freeze up to the point it was painful, but you know what it wasn’t quite as painful as?  Small talk with people I had never met before.  What’s even worse is Shirley knows I hate people and I hate small talk, so she really tries to compensate for my disdain for everything by trying to interject me into conversations she is having with people where I am nearby.  As if she can somehow force small talk on me, now I know how she feels when I get all handsy before bed time and she already has her bite splint in.  (There is only one thing sexier than a bite splint, a C-PAP).

Fortunately for me Aiden had a halloween party of his own that he had to attend with a friend who had invited him over for a sleepover.  Also, and this may pay off in spades in the future, Aiden hates being trapped at places he doesn’t want to be at almost as much as I do and he was quite antsy to leave the harvest party so he could go to his friends house.

As I was about to leave with Aiden I was introduced to Tim by Shirley, Tim seemed like a nice guy and he was also an attorney but we ended up caught in an awkward moment where it was just he and I.  I was struggling to come up with a topic of conversation and ended up asking him if the movie theatre was now open downtown, pretty fucking random if you ask me, but I panicked.  He said it was and that led to more conversation about downtown development and the overall growth of Grand Rapids.  It was the epitome of why I hate small talk, it was forced and completely boring.  Nothing against Tim, but there is a moniker of familiarity I need with someone before I can bust out the A material and really turn on the charm.

Sunday was fairly uneventful and it was good that I had over 48 hours to recover from the harvest party prior to attending Neal’s birthday party.  The party was at Vitale’s on Fulton and they had M-43 on tap, I was tempted to go buy a growler or two and have the bartender fill them up for me so I could truly get my money’s worth.  It was the rare occasion where I was punctual and Shirley was no where to be found when I walked into the party, nor was anyone else I knew, at least anyone that I wanted to see.  I ended up getting to Neal without the benefit of Shirley by my side to force the small talk in a completely lame direction.  So, I asked him about Disney, Neal loves Disney and admitted to going at least three times in one year, I bet he can’t wait for their streaming service to come out.  As the subject of Disney hung in the air Neal spotted someone much more important than me and was swooped away by their importance.  Nice talking to you Neal!

Neal and I attend the same church so it wasn’t the first time we had been caught in awkward conversation neither one of us knowing how to end it but both of us hoping it would end as soon as possible, and it was this common bond, Ada Bible Church that brought me great trepidation.  The head pastor of our church walked into the party, whenever I walk by him at church I get star struck and don’t know what to say to him so I just smile and make weird noises that could possibly be construed as a greeting.  It’s similar to what happened when I met Jay Mohr at a comedy show, celebrities and pastors are the worst.  At that point and until I left the party my main goal was to avoid talking to my pastor or coming within ten feet of him.  Mission accomplished.

Shortly after I made it home my in laws walked in the door, they were flying to Phoenix on Tuesday and obviously I put very little thought to the negative consequences of living 5 minutes from the airport when we bought our current house.  Shirley’s family fly more than a commercial pilot and there is always someone who needs a ride to the airport.  I don’t have a problem bringing people to the airport but for the fact that 99% of the time her family schedules their flight for 5am so they can get to wherever they are going and have a full day of leisure.  Waking up at the butt crack of dawn isn’t as painful when you are going on vacation, but when you have a full day of basketball, water skiing, and golf ahead of you it’s quite exhausting.

Ultimately I ended up in my bedroom listening to the Pistons game on my tune in app due to the fact that Dish Network is in a contract dispute with all the local fox sports stations so I couldn’t watch them on tv  (dish is almost as awful as pastors and celebrities).   I told the kids I was coming back down for them at 8:15 to get them for bed but once I got up to my room the solitary nature of my existence precluded me from getting my kids in a timely fashion.  Boy did I catch shit when I was still up in my room was Shirley arrived home.  After a tongue lashing (although when I come home from events and the kids are still up past what would be perceived a reasonable bedtime, I don’t give a shit) I was able to restrain myself from lashing out and just took the beating.  However, Parker came up to me a few minutes later and said “mom called you an asshole”.   Shirley claimed she mouthed it to her mom (I don’t know why that was necessary my mother in law already knows I am an asshole) and Parker saw her when she did it.  For some reason I was fine with it and was still able to maintain a level head.  However, a few minutes later she got on me about ignoring my in laws and going up to our bedroom.   While Shirley and I don’t fight that frequently and if we do I’m the one who brings the heat, on this particular occasion she brought me to my knees with mere words “way to go Seth”