The last week of June the Jansma’s headed out west for a family vacation with all of Shirley’s immediate family.  Our family left on Friday and flew in to Bozeman Montana and stayed in the Big Sky area on Friday night.  Most people look forward to vacation, but I am not most people and I was somewhat dreading the trip since I hate leaving Michigan in the summer since that is the best time to be in Michigan.  On top of that I am quite into my routines, such as playing basketball every day, water skiing every day, and golfing in my golf league every week.  Being forced out of my routine when combined with having to stay in the same house with my Vegan brother-in-law was a recipe for disaster.  On top of the selflessness I was going to have to display if the trip was to have any hope of turning out well, the weather was going to be a key factor in determining the success of the vacation.  When we left Michigan on that Friday it was finally getting nice, what a surprise, and when we woke up in Montana on Saturday morning it was snowing.  That was a gut punch and my mood was worsening by the minute.  We loaded up to head to our place in Idaho and we were set to be the first family to arrive.  That was the one positive about arriving early, we would get to claim the best room.  When we arrived at the house I put our bags in the room that had it’s own bathroom.  There were three bedrooms and only one of them had its own bathroom.  The other bathroom was to be shared by everyone else.

When I go on vacation the first thing that needs to be figured out is what is the sex situation.  In my mind having my own on suite was going to give me the best opportunity for frequent sex on the vacation.  Unfortunately, Shirley is not nearly as focused on the vacation sex situation, she may actually be the exact opposite, and she immediately told me that Meth and Jori should get the on suite because they have a baby.  In my mind, and  said “fuck that” (it may have also been verbalized) and our first argument of the vacation ensued.  It isn’t so much that I though I should have the master suite, if my other sister in law and brother in law had claimed it I would have been fine with it, but Meth and Jori?  They do nothing to contribute and they are the cheapest people I know, always going the extra mile not to pay for shit.  However, Shirley dropped the bomb on me that her parents were paying for the house and even I couldn’t continue to argue against the room being given to someone else at that point.

What do you know, Meth and Jori, the most undeserving of all of us, ended up with the best room.  I went to bed Saturday night in a sour mood and it didn’t improve on Sunday when all 8 adults and six kids ventured off into Yellowstone.  I took the lead because I am a D, that’s a personality type where you are awesome and because you are awesome you need to be the leader.  On top of that, Shirley’s sister, Jori drives like a 95 year old women and there was no way I was letting her lead the way.  Surprisingly, we ended up getting separated and didn’t arrive at Old Faithful in a sequence.  This was troubling to certain people in the group regardless of how unrealistic it is to be able to remain sequential when you are traveling for an hour to get to your destination.  Of course the fact that we were separated was my fault because I am an awesome driver and was able to maneuver my way through slow moving traffic.  We ended up getting to our destination well before everyone else.  I was under whelmed by old faithful, it was a giant parking lot with a bunch of touristy shit, and the weather was 58 degrees and cloudy.  Eventually everyone made it and we ate sandwiches in the parking lot, but mainly everyone besides me just dip shitted around.  I was losing my mind, I can’t just sit around, I need to be doing things, accomplishing things, moving towards a goal, and that was not even close to happening.

I went ahead in an attempt to get people motivated to get moving but it did no good.  Old Faithful is a giant geyser  and there are a bunch of other hot springs geysers around it.  It’s pretty much barren land with hot springs all over the place.  The sad truth is once you see one hot spring you have pretty much seen them all and I wanted to move on to something more picturesque.  The problem was that Old Faithful wasn’t set to blow for another hour give or take 20 minutes so we were trapped there waiting for it to go off.  Ultimately I went on a short hike on my own to get a better vantage point that was roughly 200 feet above the geyser.  I did this for two reasons 1. To get a better vantage point.  2. to get away from everyone.   It took roughly another hour after the geyser went off to get everyone rounded up and heading to another attraction.  The next attraction was another hot spring, the grand prismatic hot spring, it was the quintessential hot spring for those who are in to hot springs, which I am not.  It was also very touristy and there were a ton of Asian tourists there.  I am just pointing out an observation about the Asian tourists, they don’t get out of your way, they are every where and they just push and shove and have no concept of what lines are meant for.  My brother spent a couple weeks in Beijing and told me there is no such thing as lines there.  Can you imagine not having lines?

Ultimately we made it back to our place and I was at an all time low.  Shirley headed up to sleep with the kids in the loft and I was about ready to book a return flight to GR for the next day.  She came back, we had it out, and I admitted I was being an asshole but told her I couldn’t climb out of the very dark place I was in due to the fact that I was on a vacation with her entire family and some of the logistics were making it intolerable.  The next day thanks to an early morning run and some CBD oil from my brother in law, things went much better and I was in a generally good mood the entire day.  My mood led to Shirley sleeping in our bedroom that night which put me in a good mood the next day as well.  We both decided that we needed some time with just our family and decided to do a 4 mile hike with our kids.  I was the bearer of bad news and went up to the loft to tell the kids.  Parker took it fairly well but you would have thought I told Aiden I was bringing him to wrestle a grizzly bear.  He lost his mind and said he wanted to be with Bennett (his 7 year old cousin who is almost as dorky as he is).  We made the kids go on the hike anyway and it was a success.

That entire day Meth was in his bedroom streaming television shows. He only left the room for meals and didn’t converse with any one.  Not only was the threat to sexy time problematic with me not getting that room, he was monopolizing one of the two bathrooms that were available.  On top of that, Meth and Jori wanted to go back to see the Grand Prismatic spring since it was hard to see on Sunday due to the cold temperatures that created a lot of steam.  I had looked at the weather and it wasn’t a real good forecast and besides if I saw another hot spring before I died it would be too soon.  I suggested to the group that we go down to the Grand Tetons and Jackson Hole where the weather was suppose to be 80 and sunny.  Jori immediately indicated that that wouldn’t work but still went in to the bedroom to discuss it with Meth.  She came out and instantly said no, we aren’t doing that.  Shirley and I were a unified front and had agreed we weren’t going back to Yellowstone.  So, my in laws along with the my cool brother in law and Shirley’s sister had a choice to make.  In my mind the choice was easy, hang out with a super fun guy or a moldy turd with so many psychological issues Freud wouldn’t even know where to begin.  Everyone decided to join us and we left early Wednesday morning for Jackson Hole.  Once we left I am quite certain Meth made his way out of the bedroom and was finally at ease.

It was an amazing day, we hiked around Jenny Lake in the Grand Tetons and had wonderful weather.   The in Laws took the kids on the ferry across the lake so they didn’t have to do the entire hike and we finished up the hike with just the four adults.  We had made the right choice coming to Jackson Hole and it was fairly obvious why the rich and famous gravitate towards Jackson Hole.  On the way home from Jackson Hole it was getting to be dusk as we approached where we were staying, I looked to the left and slammed on my brakes.  There was a moose in a marsh with a calf and it was the first legitimate wild life I had viewed on the trip, if you don’t count squirrels, buffalo, and chipmunks as legitimate wild life, which I don’t.  Luckily the guy behind me was able to avoid rear ending me and we stopped to get some pictures of the moose and its calf.  Bennett and Aiden were in the back seat playing on their devices and the only way we could have gotten them to put their tablets away and show any interest is if we had told them the Super Mario Bros. were out in the field.

That night we got back late and the moldy turd had already retreated to his bedroom making it an even better day than I thought was even possible.  However, it was my turn to sleep in the loft with the kids and I was about to experience one of the worst nights of sleep I had ever encountered.  It was me, Parker, Amy (Shirley’s sister) and Jori (Shirley’s other sister) along with her five year old daughter who still says “Momma, I hungry” (when I am criticizing your parenting you know you aren’t doing an adequate job). In addition, Bennett was also sleeping in the loft.  I fell asleep with my air pods in (most amazing purchase ever, I’m not sure how I made it through life before I had air pods) but woke up and took them out.  Unfortunately, Amy was snoring and so was Jori.  I tossed and turned for at least an hour if not more and decided to head to the main house to switch spots with Shirley.  Shirley begrudgingly went up to the loft since there was no way her, Aiden and I could all sleep in the bed together.  The only problem is her dad was on the pull out couch snoring his ass off and her brother in law was next door doing the same thing.  I am sure I am not alone in feeling this way, when you have someone snoring and they are keeping you from falling asleep, you hate that person immediately no matter who they are.

Shirley wears a C-Pap so that she doesn’t snore any more, but back in the day prior to the C-Pap when she use to snore I would dry hump the bed to get her to stop, couldn’t really do that with either of my sister in law’s, my father in law or my brother in law.  I managed to eventually fall asleep, but the next day was quite rough.  Fortunately, we didn’t really have any major plans the next day and I could go at my own pace, after a leisurely breakfast I  made my way out of the house and took off for a run around a nearby river.  As I was jogging and listening to the Bill Simmons podcast on my headphones something attacked me, or at least that is what I thought was happening.  An over exuberant Golden Retriever had come running up on me and with my headphones going I couldn’t hear it. When it’s wet nose hit my leg I thought it was a bear trying to maul me and that I was going to die.

Thursday night Meth and Jori headed to Bozeman where they had rented a hotel.  Their flight left at 11 am on Friday and the two hour drive was more than they could even dream of bearing  in the morning so they left the night before.  I wasn’t  going to try and convince them to stay, and freeing up the extra bedroom significantly improved the sleeping arrangements.  The next day was the whitewater rafting trip my brother in law Shawn and I had arranged prior to the trip.  We were rafting on the snake river outside of Jackson Hole in class 2 and 3 rapids.  The day was another glorious day, there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and blue contrast of the sky with the mountains was majestic.  We took a 45 minute bus ride out to the launching spot and I noticed there was a fairly attractive mom with her husband and what appeared to be kids who were roughly in their late teens.  When we were assigned our rafts that family was put in ours and my brother in law and I were the bread for the hot mom sandwich, what a day!  Could our luck get any better?  Yes, it could, we landed an attractive river boat guide as well.  The only thing that could have improved the trip is if the Swedish bikini team magically appeared.  The whitewater rafting experience was beyond words, it was probably a top five all time day with the list as follows:

5. White water rafting trip

4 and 3 are a tie with the birth of both of my kids (Parker my youngest would probably be 3 knowing what I know now but at the time of both of their births it was a toss up)

2. My Wedding Day

1.Jerry Lykins leaving our law firm (biggest Douche ever)

Turns out the river boat guide married another guide who was one of the bus drivers.  Our bus had two 8 people boats and then a 20 person boat filled with teenage boys.  They weren’t as good about keeping their fondness for Heather to themselves as my brother in law and I were.  When we got back on the bus to head back they asked our bus driver if he was married to Heather (I think they were going to stampede him if he said yes) but he said no he wasn’t and that she had turned him down, all of them chimed in and said she had turned them down as well.  Teenage boys are the worst, hard to believe I am only a few years away from having a pair of my own.  When we got back in to Jackson Hole Shawn and I found a bar and as we were kicking back having a couple beers Shawn got a text from his wife Amy that they had saw a bear while hiking.  Apparently, everyone hiking on the trail had bear spray but them, and the kids were running off in front of the adults until Shirley, Amy and their mom finally realized that wasn’t such a good idea.   I would have had no reservations about being on the hike because I am 100% sure I could outrun my mother-in-law even if I was carrying both of my kids.