I have never addressed this topic with anyone so why not throw it out there on a blog?  On a typical morning I am dropping my kids off around 8 am at school give or take 15 to 20 minutes and it’s mostly give.  On my way I have a vente cold brew which will get my system moving if you know what I mean.  By the time I pull into my parking garage I don’t have really big window to get into the office and take care of business.  Frequently I will be on the phone or get a call when nature calls and have often wondered if the person on the other end of the line has any idea what I am up to?  On most occasions I will have completed my task but the conversation is till progressing.  Do I stay on the can until I am done with the call?  Do I leave and come back to flush?  Or, do  I just flush with my outstretched foot so that I put as much distance between the phone and the sound of the flush?

What was shitting like before the advent of the smart phone? I wish I could tell you, but I can’t remember back that far, I honestly wrote it was my 44th birthday this year in my blog yesterday and it was actually number 45.  However, I do recall my grandpa Jansma going into the bathroom to take a dump after work with a newspaper in his arm whenever I was around.  I’m pretty sure, and I could be imagining this, but I think he did the Castanza and took it all off when he was dropping a deuce.  However, he was so hairy that he still gave the appearance that he was wearing a short sleeve sweater (I still have no idea why people wear short sleeve or sleevless sweaters) when he was naked.  When is the last time you have taken a dump without your smart phone?  I’m pretty sure that no study has been done on this, but the occurrence of hemorrhoids has had have increased since Smart Phones came in to play due to the extra time spent on the can perusing your smart phone.  Back in the day you were limited to a newspaper or a magazine, once you completed reading it it was time to get off the shitter, now you can stay entertained for hours on the throne.

Somehow, my phone has gotten into the habit of updating me weekly on my average screen time per day.  The first time I received a notification it claimed I put in 3 hours of screen time per day that week, that seems like a lot, even if they are counting the hour a day my kids are on my phone watching Netflix.  The following week I had it down to under two hours and was feeling quite good about myself until the following week I clocked in at 4 hours a day of screen time.  What counts a screen time?  Am I being penalized for checking my phone every 33 seconds to see if someone has texted me or sent me a new email?  That’s normal right?  I’m not needy because I am constantly monitoring incoming text messages and emails as if there was some life altering news certain to be on its way via my smart phone?  I’d like to think that now that I am rewatching the Sopranos on Amazon Prime that that is why my screen time has jumped to a point where I am spending more time on my phone than everything else I do combined other than sleeping.  However, the four plus hour daily average began before I had the bright idea of rewatching the Sopranos.

What’s even more troubling is that my phone thinks it knows where I am going before I go there.  The sad thing is it is frequently correct in predicting my destination.  However, when I play lunch basketball at the MVP sportsplex it will send me a notification as I am leaving the parking lot that traffic is light and it is a 12 minute drive to the MVP metroplex, I may be in to exercise but even I’m not that compulsive that I would go from one health club to another without eating lunch first.

As indicated previously I am back on the Sopranos and there are a couple notable things that have hit me while doing the rewatch.  First of all, they use newspapers as a prop in many of the scenes.  Secondly, they use pay phones to do all of their privileged communications.  The smartphone has made both of these novelties all but extinct, the newspaper is in such dire need of readership that the Grand Rapids Sunday paper is showing up at my house now and I never subscribed.  Also, the payphone is about as prevalent as a leading female Marvel super hero, there may be one of them in the entire universe and it’s likely to be as useful as Captain Marvel.  Seriously, if you are in a jam who do you want coming to your rescue?  Thor or Captain Marvel?

The smart phone has also transformed the way families socialize with one another.  It use to be that a family would gather together to watch television as a form of socialization, regardless of what was on, you were stuck watching whatever the king of the house decided was going to be on television that night, your other option was to read a book or go to bed early, which explains why shows like Friends were able to be so successful, while the show was awful it beat reading a book or going to bed early.  Now, if you have multiple devices, and who doesn’t, every member of the family can watch their show of choice.  While I always swore I would never have a television in my bedroom because I was beyond stooping to such a level as watching the boob tube while I was in bed waiting to fall asleep, I now watch the Sopranos on my phone in bed trying to keep Shirley from waiting me out.  Advantage Shirley, I’m much more likely to fall asleep against my will when I am positioned in my own bed.  Damn you smart phone maybe you aren’t looking out for my best interest like I thought you were.