I have never addressed this topic with anyone so why not throw it out there on a blog?  On a typical morning I am dropping my kids off around 8 am at school give or take 15 to 20 minutes and it’s mostly give.  On my way I have a vente cold brew which will get my system moving if you know what I mean.  By the time I pull into my parking garage I don’t have really big window to get into the office and take care of business.  Frequently I will be on the phone or get a call when nature calls and have often wondered if the person on the other end of the line has any idea what I am up to?  On most occasions I will have completed my task but the conversation is till progressing.  Do I stay on the can until I am done with the call?  Do I leave and come back to flush?  Or, do  I just flush with my outstretched foot so that I put as much distance between the phone and the sound of the flush?

What was shitting like before the advent of the smart phone? I wish I could tell you, but I can’t remember back that far, I honestly wrote it was my 44th birthday this year in my blog yesterday and it was actually number 45.  However, I do recall my grandpa Jansma going into the bathroom to take a dump after work with a newspaper in his arm whenever I was around.  I’m pretty sure, and I could be imagining this, but I think he did the Castanza and took it all off when he was dropping a deuce.  However, he was so hairy that he still gave the appearance that he was wearing a short sleeve sweater (I still have no idea why people wear short sleeve or sleevless sweaters) when he was naked.  When is the last time you have taken a dump without your smart phone?  I’m pretty sure that no study has been done on this, but the occurrence of hemorrhoids has had have increased since Smart Phones came in to play due to the extra time spent on the can perusing your smart phone.  Back in the day you were limited to a newspaper or a magazine, once you completed reading it it was time to get off the shitter, now you can stay entertained for hours on the throne.

Somehow, my phone has gotten into the habit of updating me weekly on my average screen time per day.  The first time I received a notification it claimed I put in 3 hours of screen time per day that week, that seems like a lot, even if they are counting the hour a day my kids are on my phone watching Netflix.  The following week I had it down to under two hours and was feeling quite good about myself until the following week I clocked in at 4 hours a day of screen time.  What counts a screen time?  Am I being penalized for checking my phone every 33 seconds to see if someone has texted me or sent me a new email?  That’s normal right?  I’m not needy because I am constantly monitoring incoming text messages and emails as if there was some life altering news certain to be on its way via my smart phone?  I’d like to think that now that I am rewatching the Sopranos on Amazon Prime that that is why my screen time has jumped to a point where I am spending more time on my phone than everything else I do combined other than sleeping.  However, the four plus hour daily average began before I had the bright idea of rewatching the Sopranos.

What’s even more troubling is that my phone thinks it knows where I am going before I go there.  The sad thing is it is frequently correct in predicting my destination.  However, when I play lunch basketball at the MVP sportsplex it will send me a notification as I am leaving the parking lot that traffic is light and it is a 12 minute drive to the MVP metroplex, I may be in to exercise but even I’m not that compulsive that I would go from one health club to another without eating lunch first.

As indicated previously I am back on the Sopranos and there are a couple notable things that have hit me while doing the rewatch.  First of all, they use newspapers as a prop in many of the scenes.  Secondly, they use pay phones to do all of their privileged communications.  The smartphone has made both of these novelties all but extinct, the newspaper is in such dire need of readership that the Grand Rapids Sunday paper is showing up at my house now and I never subscribed.  Also, the payphone is about as prevalent as a leading female Marvel super hero, there may be one of them in the entire universe and it’s likely to be as useful as Captain Marvel.  Seriously, if you are in a jam who do you want coming to your rescue?  Thor or Captain Marvel?

The smart phone has also transformed the way families socialize with one another.  It use to be that a family would gather together to watch television as a form of socialization, regardless of what was on, you were stuck watching whatever the king of the house decided was going to be on television that night, your other option was to read a book or go to bed early, which explains why shows like Friends were able to be so successful, while the show was awful it beat reading a book or going to bed early.  Now, if you have multiple devices, and who doesn’t, every member of the family can watch their show of choice.  While I always swore I would never have a television in my bedroom because I was beyond stooping to such a level as watching the boob tube while I was in bed waiting to fall asleep, I now watch the Sopranos on my phone in bed trying to keep Shirley from waiting me out.  Advantage Shirley, I’m much more likely to fall asleep against my will when I am positioned in my own bed.  Damn you smart phone maybe you aren’t looking out for my best interest like I thought you were.

Last month I celebrated my 44th birthday, but since it was on the same day we were supposed to be leaving for Florida it received very little attention, which wasn’t a bad thing.  However, my mom insisted on making me a cake for my birthday, I am not a big cake guy but I didn’t protest because I think making me a cake for my birthday allows her to think I had a perfectly normal childhood (I didn’t). Regardless, I ended up meeting up with my parents at Ada Bible in Kentwood for their 5:30 Saturday evening service and then we proceeded to Ucello’s to continue the festivities.  Shirley and the boys were at the airport trying to get us on a flight to Florida the next day due to our Saturday flight being canceled.  Dinner was fairly uneventful but my mom not only had a cake but also some presents from me, she cautiously said “don’t get mad” when she handed me my presents. Don’t get mad is never a good sign for anything and it may be the first time in the history of the universe that it has been said prior to someone receiving their birthday present.  The gift bag contained some random food and when I say random I mean really random, hot chocolate, beef jerky, and some mixed nuts.  I am certain they all came from Big Lots.  However, the  don’t get mad comment had nothing to do with the randomness of the snacks she purchased me, but was a reference to a book she also sent my way that involved limiting your kids screen time.  In addition to the book there was two page note which I have yet to read, in my defense if I read it I would have gotten mad and my mom told me not to get mad.

This isn’t the first parenting book my mom has given me, it’s actually the third parenting book.  Is my mom that oblivious? It would be like Shirley giving me a book about how to preform better in the bedroom.  Your parenting really sucks so read these books and you will be a better parent.  Will I?  I suppose it is possible, but what if I am completely content being a mediocre parent.  My parents were terrible parents and I turned out to be a mediocre human being, my mediocre parenting is likely to produce average adults if the trend continues.  What’s even more problematic is the fact that my sister and one of my brothers have offspring but they have not received any parenting books, and my sister is raising the second coming of the anti-christ who is ironically named Elijah, the kid purposely fucks with you.  He was at our house and my sister had to leave to breast feed her youngest child (as previously mentioned she has three all under the age of four) he looked at me and pulled her plate of food off the table spilling it all over the floor.  Did I want to call him an asshole? Yes, but I managed to not call a spade a spade (I got in trouble last week for calling Aiden a dick in front of Shirley, note to self don’t call Aiden a dick in front of his mom) but that wasn’t the end of it, later on he repeatedly punched Parker in the face.  For some reason Parker just took it instead of doing what he should have done, beating the shit out of him.  Maybe for my sister’s next birthday which is comping up in May my mom can get her a book on how not to get pregnant.

The reality is is there are plenty of shitty parents out there who think they are really good parents, I feel like accepting who you are and being fine with that is way better than thinking you are something that you aren’t.  How receptive would my mom have been to her mom giving her parenting books on her birthday?  I can tell you, not receptive at all, my mom takes advice from no one, especially not from me and Rosella giving Ardis (that’s my grandma and moms name resepctively) would have gone over like a lead balloon.  There is a guy on Freakonomics, (Stephen Dubner) who is a professor at the University of Chicago and he postulates that it really doesn’t make much difference what you do as a parent, keeping them alive is basically your one and only job and regardless the level of effort you put into your children they are going to turn out the way they are going to turn out.  The guy is really smart and I feel much better letting my kids watch hours of television and eat ice cream after every meal knowing that getting rid of the TV and cutting out dessert wouldn’t change their future one bit.

Obviously the screen time book, which is still sitting on my night stand in an attempt to make it look like I took my mom’s passive aggressiveness to heart (my mom cleans our house, unfortunately she doesn’t dust so at some point the charade will be over) is relevant because there are so many different types of screens out there than we had as kids.  We had one screen, and it was a shitty screen at that.  It is hard to find an old school tv anymore but if you do or you happen to watch non high def TV it makes you wonder why anyone even watched tv before the advent of flat screen ginormous high def televisions.  Phones, tablets, refrigerators (yes, they now have fridges with televisions in them, that’s fucked up) and the conventional and old reliable television.  My kids constantly are demanding my phone.  When I bring them to school its “dad can we watch your phone in the car?”  when I pick them up from school it’s “dad can we watch your phone in the car?” When I go to the store with them on the five minute trip from our house to D n W its “dad can we watch your phone in the car?”

You know who’s fault it is that they get so much screen time?  That’s right, Netflix, they have at least 600 shows and the content that is available for kids is top notch, a lot of it makes me laugh as I they watch my phone and I am a captive audience member forced to listen to it over my blue tooth.  Growing up we had shit for choices, Wile E coyote and the road runner, He-man, and the justice league with the wonder twins were the cream of an unsatisfying crop of shows.  My kids would probably rather stare out the window as opposed to watching that garbage.  They have Captain underpants, boss baby, atomic puppet and many many more shows to choose from.  I can’t tell them no, it would be inhumane to deprive them of such amazing content, and on top of that Netflix just raised their subscription fee so I need to get the most bang for my buck.

 

I have maintained to everyone I know that I will never step foot in Disney world, there could be a topless super model parade taking place at Epcot Center and I’m not going in there, that’s how much I deplore Disney.  You know what else I can’t stand and fail to understand the attraction people have for it?  Harry Potter, that’s right, and you may be asking yourself what does Harry Potter have to do with my stance regarding Disney?  Unfortunately, my stance on Disney led to me being thrust into the imaginary world of Harry Potter as well as a lot of other horrible stuff.  While Disney is likely the first thing one thinks of when Orlando is brought up, it is not the only ridiculously over priced amusement park in the area.  No, there is also Sea World, Lego Land, Discovery Cove, and Universal (which is actually 3 over priced parks in one).  There are a few things that may have been deal breakers had I known what I know now prior to marrying Shirley.  (As Opposed to thousands of deal breakers on her end regarding me).  One of those deal breakers would have been her affinity to Harry Potter.

The Jansma family decided to take a trip to close out February instead of going on the traditional spring break vacation.  The main reason is that spring break week is typically crowded down south and over priced.  In addition, when everyone is gone on spring break it makes West Michigan a much nicer place, especially for someone who doesn’t like people, and I don’t.  Unfortunately, looking back, I had nothing to do with planning this trip. I am typically the planner, but I handed the reins over to Shirley for this one.  The first leg of our trip was spent in Orlando at Cabana Bay.  It is one of the many resorts directly affiliated with Universal Studios, imagine a Motel 6 with a Starbucks in it, that’s Cabana Bay, if the Motel 6 had a 50’s theme that is.  Fortunately, coming from Michigan and the winter of the polar vortex, staying in a shitty hotel wasn’t going to put a damper on things.

We spent the first afternoon by the hotel pool and then went to bed early so we could be bright eyed a bushy tailed for our first day in the park.  (Shirley bought a package that included two of the three universal parks for multiple days). Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, they let the people who purchase the multi day fast passes go in the park at 8 am, a full hour ahead of all the plebes.  We immediately went to one of the two areas dedicated to recreating the magic that is Harry Potter (the last movie was released in 2010).  Imagine yourself around hundreds of people who have absolutely no chance at having sex with another human being, thats what I encountered that morning.  There were people in their 30’s and 40’s wearing wizard costumes and waving their wands at things.  Of course, my kids absolutely had to have a wand and there was an entire store dedicated to selling wands.  I decided to sit the wand purchase out, as they came out with their wands I imagined myself on my death bed with Shirley next to me, struggling to speak and asking her one last thing “how much were the Harry Potter wands?”  Sure I could probably find out right now by googling it, but I don’t think I am prepared for that bit of information.

Shirley and the kids were running around, making Harry Potter references, as I begrudgingly tagged along.  I had to remind myself that people actually pay money for this experience, I actually paid money for this experience.  If I had taken my kids and wife to the NBA hall of fame they would have been able to feel my pain, but they were oblivious to how little I could care about Harry Potter and the recreation of his realm.

Eventually the wonderment of Harry Potter land wore off and it was time to go on a ride.  We hopped on the Harry Potter ride that was located where we were at and things seemed to be taking a turn for the better.  That being said, the rides at Universal are mainly virtual reality.  They place you in an apparatus and then you go by a bunch of screens that depict scenes with Harry Potter doing things, making it seem like you are part of the experience.  I can handle regular roller coasters just fine, but these types of rides make me feel quite nauseous.  After the ride we managed to make our way out of Harry Potter land and hit another VR ride that involved Despicable Me, this one made me even sicker and I was hoping to get on one of the two traditional roller coasters they had in the park but Aiden wouldn’t ride it with me.

While being subject to these virtual reality rides seemed to be punishment enough, every ride had what was referred to as a “retail opportunity” as the riders exited back into the park.  It’s similar to how grocery stores place a bunch of candy at the check out,  they are betting that your kid will demand a candy bar and that parents will not have the resolve to tell their kids tough shit.  T-shirts, stuffed animals, and trinkets were placed at the exit, unavoidable as riders emptied out, strangely our kids made no real demands for this merchandise.  This was somewhat troubling to me, were the wands that expensive, so expensive that my kids were cognizant of the fact and not even trying to get additional merch out of their hapless and beleaguered parents?  Maybe I won’t bother with that question on my death bed.

Our initial morning in the park found us wandering around Universal, but there was a whole new park to explore, adventure island, and adventure Island had a whole entire section dedicated to Harry Potter as well.  You could walk over a bridge to adventure Island or you could take a train that was an exact replica of the one in Harry Potter.  Why walk when you can ride?  Unfortunately, the people boarding the train looked about as likely to have sex as a penniless Donald Trump and we had to ride in a train car with four complete strangers, one of which was sporting a wizard cape and actually asked my kids “where is your cape?”  I almost told her to shut the hell up until I realized she was special needs, instead I said flatly “they already have wands.”  I didn’t need any strangers giving my kids the idea that they needed wizard capes.  I was hoping the train was a regular train and that I could just stare out the window until we made our way to our final destination, no such luck, it was a virtual reality train as well and had even more virtual reality Harry Potter shit.

Shirley wanted to eat in one of the “cafeteria” that was a replica of a set off from Harry Potter.  It was only 11 am and I wasn’t hungry so I nixed that idea and decided it was time to double down on my nausea by riding another ride.  We made our way over to the Harry Potter ride in that section of the park but were separated when we were commanded by a park employee to put our things in a locker but only one individual from each party would be allowed to access the lockers.  Stupidly I gave Shirley my phone and took the kids to get in line, not seeing the fast pass lane and blindly following all the commoners into their line. (I should have known by the smell and appearance of the people I was following that I was in the wrong line) I assumed Shirley would catch up with us and kept pressing forward as the same bossy employee told us to keep moving.  Shirley on the other hand found the fast pass line and was about 45 minutes ahead of us.  Standing in line with no where to go was likely similar to how many people feel as they go down the aisle, about to be married “I’ve made it this far, as much as I’d like to run, there’s no turning back now, fuck it!.”  So, it was me and the kids with no electronics wondering if we would ever see Shirley again.  Part of me appreciated the experience of the regular line, because it made me relish the fast pass that much more, there is nothing like the feeling of superiority one feels as they walk past all the people stuck in the regular line.  However, the appreciation it gave me for the fast pass was quickly negated by the anxiety waiting in an endless line created.

The ride had four different staging areas that people were shuffled through like livestock to the butcher.  Eventually the regular line met up with the fast pass line and I made an executive decision to jump in the fast pass line willing to take shit from anyone who objected.  No one objected and it saved me at least 15 minutes of waiting.  With no phone and no Shirley I felt liberated, but also concerned that Shirley was freaking out.  Had the shoe been on the other foot, I would have seen it as an opportunity to spend the rest of the day doing whatever I wanted to do, but I knew Shirley didn’t think this way.  After the ride we began looking for Shirley, I figured that she would be by the exit to the ride waiting for us and if she wasn’t I would borrow someone’s phone and text her a location to meet up.  Fortunately, no more than a minute after exiting the Retail Experience, a frantic Shirley appeared.  She immediately dropped an F bomb and likely would have had divorce papers ready to serve had this taken place in Michigan.  I explained to her what happened and how it wasn’t my fault.  Fortunately, she understood and calmed down a bit.  In her mind I was running around the park with the kids having the time of our lives while she frantically tried to find us.  We’ve been married for nine years, so I feel like her notion of what was going on is on her, there is no way I would willingly take my kids around the park by myself.  It’s one of the many reasons divorce would be horrible, I can’t imagine having to deal with my kids all by myself whenever the kids are in my possession.  In all reality, the more likely scenario is me leaving the kids in the kid drop area and heading back to the hotel.  (the kid drop area is a place to dump your kids if they don’t want to ride the ride, we dropped Parker there the next day when we rode the same ride, but this time it was much better because we utilized our fast passes).

The trauma of being separated from us was enough for Shirley to agree to grab lunch and then head back to the hotel.  The following day I stayed at the hotel and did my own thing in the morning and eventually met up with Shirley and the kids.  Some of the other highlights/lowlights of Universal were the following:

• A women sporting both a back pack and a fanny pack, the only thing that would have made it more fashionable was an additional fanny pack placed in the front it could have been referred to as a FUPA pack.  She also had brought in her own tuna fish and avocado to feed her family with.
• Dippin Dots.  Yes, they still sell Dippin Dots at all amusement parks and county fairs, how long is it going to be the ice cream of the future?  I remember that being their slogan when I was in junior high, I’m 45 now.  Dippin Dots are so bad that my kids after having tried them somewhere else didn’t ask for them once.
• The fast and furious ride.  It was one of the newer rides but it totally sucked.  They had two different “sets” before you boarded the ride.  The first set was the “family room” and Jaime was the actor who guided us through that scene.  Various actors from the actual Fast and Furious franchise came up on the TV screen and Jaime would have a conversation with them.  The next room we were herded into was the “war room” and it was occupied by Pat.  However, Pat must have been filling in for someone who called in sick and was likely pulled out of the “retail experience” to that persons place.  She knew none of her lines and actually referred to the Rock not by name but as the hot guy.  We didn’t receive any 3-d glasses nor were we belted in to the ride, two clues that it was going suck, and suck it did.  It was like watching the final installment of Fast and the Furious from a bus.
• On the way out on our final day at the park Shirley decided she wanted to go into the Poseidon “ride”.  However, as we went through the line we were told it wasn’t a ride it was a show.  Immediately red flags went up for me but Shirley thought it would be fun.  After waiting 20 minutes we were put in a room and a guy who looked kind of like you would expect a tour guide on a safari to look like appeared.  He went in to his spiel about Poseidon and immediately I felt trapped.  As they tried to shuffle us over to another room I saw a few people head for the emergency exits, this was definitely an emergency and I ordered the wife and kids to follow me out the exits.  This was the cherry on the shit sundae that was our experience at Universal theme park.

Fortunately, our trip was not solely dedicated to Orlando, and a lot of lounging by the pool in Bradenton made up for the shortcomings at Universal.  However, I was baited in to going to an aquarium while in the Bradenton area with my mother in law, Shirley, and the kids.  My kids were referring to me as a wet blanket when I said I wasn’t going so I showed them that I wasn’t by driving them all to the aquarium, but immediately regretted it when I spotted a pair of Mennonites (not to be confused with the Amish, there was no sign of a horse and buggy so they had to be Mennonites) as we were walking in to the aquarium.  Mennonites at a tourist location are the equivalent of no 3d glasses or seat belts on a ride at Universal, a sure sign of sulkiness and disappointment.  My kids learned a valuable lesson, don’t ever call dad a wet blanket again.