Periodically I will take trips to the mall and it amazes me how the mall continues to evolve in the face of adversity.  Rumor has it that the mall and conventional retail are on their death bed as the internet makes shopping at the mall as practical as going to Blockbuster to rent a movie.  However, in West Michigan the mall is still alive and well, my trip on a Tuesday night in September found the mall parking lot packed and me tempted to park in a spot reserved for expectant mothers, seriously, what are they going to do to me?  However, I decided to continue on through the parking lot looking for an empty space because I didn’t want to be that guy.

My first stop was at Banana Republic, a store I am quite familiar with, and a store I feel confident that I can still enter without getting strange looks from the staff and patrons.  I picked out three items and approached the counter where I was immediately asked if I wanted a credit card, pretty sure everyone who not only has shopped at banana republic but eaten a banana has a BR card.  I told the clerk I already had one which brought about the response that I could save 10% on my purchase if I used the card, probably not worth the $6 in savings (that’s right I bought two shirts and a pair of pants for 60 bucks that retailed for $225 total) when I ultimately pay at least $20 in late fees when I forget to pay off my balance.  The clerk proceeded to ask me if I wanted to receive email promotions from BR, I told him no even though I already somehow receive those promotions, If I said yes would I get duplicate emails?  Actually, I should have asked him to unsubscribe me since I have already tried multiple times on my own and am still receiving the emails.  Also, I should have told him to punch me in the face while he was adding me to the email list, it would have been less painful than having to receive their emails.

As I waited for the transaction to go through I began to get anxious.  The clerk had a wireless hand held device that he used to run my debit card and that was linked to a remote printer that he was going to use to print my receipt (email receipt was an option but I”m not giving them my email again).  The receipt wasn’t printing and the music in the background was causing me a great deal of anxiety.  Not sure if stores intentionally play music that is terrible so that people want to leave their store quicker than when they are taking a dump at a Speedway, but I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  My ultimate question is why don’t they just use the traditional cash register/computer that is actually connected to the printer?  Seems like that would be much more reliable and efficient than the hand held device linked to the wireless printer.

I made my way out of the store and headed towards Footlocker where the employees still wear referee shirts, I was relieved to see that some things in the mall never change.  While they had at lest 60 different types of basketball shoes, they didn’t have the Jordans I was looking for so I decided to see if there were any other shoe stores in the mall that could satisfy my desires.  As I wandered about the mall I stumbled upon a store called the Garage, no idea the demographic they were shooting for, but one of the Mannequins in the entrance had a huge rack with real nipples poking through the sweater that was on display.  I had never seen a mannequin with nipples and it caught my attention, initially this seemed like a great marketing strategy, but then I realized having some guy with his hands down his pants ogling your mannequin while he vigorously works his joint is probably not good for business.  Was I tempted to ask the general manger where they get their mannequins?  Of course I was, a Mannequin doesn’t get headaches and they can’t say no for a number of reasons, one being they don’t have a head, but I am sure there is a website out there that will save me the embarrassment of having to ask an actual person, hopefully they accept Venmo, probably want to keep that transaction private though.

Speaking of erotic, I do think paying someone to go into Victoria Secret and have them sniff the underwear until security is called (I was going to say sniff the panties, but that sounds really creepy) while secretly filming them would be a viral sensation.  Putting them on his head and wearing them like a halloween mask would be a nice touch as well.  It would be a gold mine and the sponsors would be lining up left and right.  While Victoria Secret doesn’t seem to target a certain age group, there were a number of stores in the mall that had me wondering if it was safe for me to enter without being viewed as a poser.  Zumiez left me scratching my head, it looked intriguing but I didn’t dare take a chance going in to the store unless I saw someone else close to my age enter the store.  Another store, Dry Goods, which appeared to be a woman’s store but I couldn’t get close enough to tell if they had a men’s section, seemed to be off limits even if one of the dry goods they sold was beef jerky.

Fortunately they do have stores in the mall that specifically state the age range they are shooting for.  Journies for Kids and Footlocker for Kids are two that I encountered.  While the drawback to labeling your store as a kids store will attract the random pedophile, for the most part it is an effective way to attract your targeted consumer.  However, many stores do not resort to this, while Eddie Bauer probably went out of business a decade ago due to the fact that everyone who use to shop there is dead, other stores have not been quite as obvious about who they want shopping there.  In order to keep people who don’t belong from entering the store they need to rate stores like they rate movies.  Shopping would be so much easier if they were labeled for Baby Boomers, Gen- Ex’ers, and Millenials.   Of course there is always the internet where you can enter any store your want from the safety of your computer without the scrutiny of patrons and staff, but mannequins with nipples are something that can only be truly appreciated in person.

“Mom, if you and dad didn’t get married would I be here?” (this was an actual question from Paker that was asked while I was in the kitchen making dinner)

“Nope”

“Well, I told Mason (not his real name) that you have to be married to have kids and he said his mom didn’t marry his dad and so I told him he shouldn’t be here, so if his mom and dad weren’t married why is he here? How did his mom have him?”

“Well, Mason’s mom and dad loved each other as much as married people so that’s how they had him”

Fortunately Parker didn’t ask me what was up with that because I would have told him that I came about as a result of “love” not marriage and the marriage part came after the “love” part with his grandpa and grandma Jansma.  Would have been great to hear the questions that came about for Grandma Jansma as a result of our conversation.  He asked my mom why she drinks Diet Dr. Pepper, which I feel is a perfectly logical question, so there is probably no limit to the questions he would have asked grandma Jansma if he knew his dad was a love child, and who knows, maybe someday he will ask those questions.

It has been an uphill battle lately in attempting to curb the behavior of my children,  and often times I don’t even try to step in.  A couple weeks ago they were talking about one of their teachers and Aiden said “one of our teachers is so fat we don’t know how she sits on the toilet”.  Parker went on to mention that one of the after school day care providers must also have a similar problem due to her girth.  Should I have chastised them for their contempt of fat people?  I think we all know the answer to that question and I think we all know where I stand on that particular issue.

The reality is that my kids are getting to the point where they pick up on my behavior and seem to think it is ok to mirror my opinions, beliefs, and actions.  The major problem here is that I don’t come with a disclaimer, and rarely do I realize after I say something mean and insensitive about a certain person or a group of people, that my kids are listening and likely to echo what I said at some point down the road.  Furthermore, I see me in them and it is scary.  One day this summer I was mowing the lawn and the tube that sucks the grass into the bagger on my riding lawn mower kept getting clogged, finally I had had enough so I ripped the tube off but it was hung up and snapped back and hit me in the face giving me a fat and bloody lip.  I had never been counter attacked by an inanimate object before and this incensed me, I started slamming it against the driveway as hard as I could, and just as my anger reached its peak Shirley came down the driveway in her minivan.

I have broken remote controls, tennis rackets, and many other objects because of my temper and unfortunately I have witnessed both of my kids flip out on inanimate objects just like their old man.  One morning I was in bed and the kids were downstairs watching TV, I kept hearing something being thrown against the floor.  When I finally made it downstairs Parker told me that Aiden had thrown the remote three times because the DVR button no longer worked, rendering it entirely useless.  In light of what had happened with the Verizon hotspot (I threw it against the ground when I couldn’t get internet and it hopped up and broke our brand new TV) it was tough for me to really tear into Aiden for his actions.  However, due to my procrastination he did learn a valuable lesson.  It took me at least three weeks to order a new remote making it nearly impossible for he and Parker to watch tv on their own because the only way to operate our Dish Network was by using the hopper (that’s what dish calls their version of a cable box/DVR).  Finally, after having to get up on multiple weekend mornings to turn on the TV for them I ended up ordering a new remote.  (One other thing that brought me to the breaking point of getting a new remote was the fact that when watching recorded shows I couldn’t fast forward through the commercials, I was better off reading a book)

While I typically try to not focus too much on some of the things my kids say and do in the hopes that not bringing attention to their behavior will allow it to be swept under the rug and eventually go away, this week I had to step in and dish out some consequences.  One of their teachers takes them home two days a week and after dismissing her I went in to the tv room and found them watching tv.  It was a gorgeous day and I told them to get outside and play while I started getting dinner ready.  This required me to head out and get the charcoal started for the grill, when I got back in the house they had shut the doors to the TV room and were back at it. First of all, they aren’t giving me much credit if they think that merely shutting the doors is going to throw me off the scent of them watching the boob tube.  Secondly, this was quite deceitful on their part as well as disobedient.  I told them they were going to be going to bed right after dinner for their little stunt.  They both flipped out, even though dinner wouldn’t be finished until well after 7.  Eventually when Shirley made it home Aiden had calmed down and admitted that he was in the wrong.  Parker on the other hand was laying all the blame on Aiden because Aiden started splaying on his Nintendo Switch leaving Parker with no choice but to turn on the TV.

As I was grilling Parker approached me and attempted to negotiate a new punishment and was wiling to forego TV until we go to Phoenix, which is in early November.  I said ok and he went in to tell Shirley and Aiden that no screen time for the next couple months was being substituted for going to bed a half hour early.  Aiden immediately objected to this, and would choose crawling over miles of broken glass as an alternative to giving up screen time.  Ultimately, they went to bed about 8 minutes earlier than normal, lesson learned!  It’s the moments where you use your authority as a parent to shape and mold your children that are truly rewarding.

The fact that Aiden acknowledges his wrong doing where as Parker takes no responsibility for anything is somewhat troubling as a parent when it  comes to Parker’s behavior.   His friend Mason, or should I say former friend, came up to me on Wednesday when I picked the kids up and said to me “Parker made me cry today” I already knew that because when I saw Aiden before seeing Mason or Parker Aiden had told me the same thing, and besides wanting to tell on his brother, it also seemed to bother Aiden.  When I confronted Parker he seemed fine with making Mason cry and had an explanation for it, he and Jeremiah were playing a game and it was in playing their game that Mason ended up crying.  Turns out Parker had depantsed Mason in the cafeteria and had also drawn a picture of Mason in jail with all of the other kids outside of the jail looking at Mason.

Is it time for some self reflection?  Is the fact that I can be complete dick the root cause of Parker having absolutely no empathy?  I’ll be honest, when I heard about what Parker did to his friend it made me truly sad, so that’s good right, I at least have empathy.  However, can you create empathy in a five year old if it isn’t innate?  I actually Googled “how to make your child empathetic” and the search found an article in Parenting magazine with eleven (not sure why they came up with eleven, seems like an odd number) tips to help foster empathy in your sociopathic child (that’s my diagnosis for Parker).  One of the tips was to do volunteer work with your kids at a homeless shelter or something of that nature, it’s a great idea, just not sure how I recruit someone to take my kids to do volunteer work.  I was relieved to see that nothing in the article indicated that a parent should change their very own personality in order to create empathy, changing my kid is one thing, but I’m Dutch, and I’m old, this dog aint learning any new tricks.

https://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/raise-a-compassionate-child/