I am convinced that no actual learning takes place during the last two weeks of the school year.  Between field trips, field days, and class parties, reading, writing, and arithmetic take a back seat to FUN.  I’m not complaining, and you know why I’m not complaining?  because I got invited by Parker to go to his EOY party.  This was a historic occasion, Shirley gets the invite over me to any function.  What was different about this party?  It involved bowling.  Parker knows I have my own ball, shoes, and mad bowling ability.  Ok, maybe he didn’t really think about it in that great of detail, but he knows Shirley can’t bowl and I can and that’s how I found my self at Northfield lanes armed with three dozen miniature cupcakes, my bowling ball, and my own shoes at noon on a Thursday on one of the nicest days of the year.

I arrived at the lane a little earlier than Parker’s class and the other parents who were going to be attending the festivities.  Was I suppose to meet everyone at the school?  The fact that they all may have been at the school waiting for me did cross my mind but I needed this time to scope out Northfield Lanes, my home alley is the Clique, I’ve bowled at Northfield lanes before, but it had been a long time and I need to familiarize myself with the setting.  I have bowled all over town, Eastbrook Lanes, Fairlanes, Spectrum Lanes, and even Alpine once in a while.  However, I have never felt out of place at a bowling alley but for one occasion, and that was at Paragon Lanes which is located at 2425 Division Avenue.  My brother, his girlfriend (now his wife), Shirley (when she wasn’t my wife), and I had gone out with my family for dinner, I think it was for my birthday.  Sadly, Bill Knapps had already gone out of business so it is likely that wherever we went was a huge disappointment.  Not sure why we picked Paragon because Fairlines was equal distance from the restaurant we ate at but when we walked in we looked like snow flakes in a mud puddle.  Believe me this fact did not go unnoticed.  However, I have found when you’re race is in the minority you just have to pretend like you aren’t scared, races are like dogs when they have the distinct advantage in numbers they can smell fear.

This was a point in my bowling career where I wasn’t taking it as seriously as I should have been and I didn’t have my own ball or shoes.  We all went up to the counter like it was entirely normal for four white people to be bowling at Paragon late on a Friday night.  The alley was full of crock pots and food and people were having a good time. And why wouldn’t they be, black people love the shit out of bowling and I’m pretty sure this was a weekly Friday night league.  Fortunately for all the white professional bowlers out there black people are so good at other sports that they don’t even bother trying to get in on the PBA (Pro Bowling Association)

Seriously, how much cooler would pro bowling be if black bowlers inserted themselves into the mix?  This guy is one of the preeminent bowlers on the entire planet and probably the seven billionth coolest person on planet earth.  Also, note the loaf of white bread sitting behind this guy, I’ve seen cooler people on the cast of Hee Haw.  As we entered our names and started bowling we pretended to act like we always hung out at venues full of black people where we were the only white people.  This required us to do no dancing, no celebrating, and very little of anything other than bowling.  A game or two in another group of white people came in to the alley.  Now what you need to know is the black people had control of the juke box.  Don’t get me wrong, I loved the music, but we were the only white people up to that point in the alley and we didn’t make any song selections.  Apparently this group of white people didn’t get the memo either and seeing us they likely thought it was socially acceptable to proceed without any caution.  Unfortunately, they did proceed without caution.  As they settled in Hotel California played on the juke box.  All the black people looked at us, or at least it seemed like they looked at us.  I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs “We didn’t do it!” but I just kept my head down and bowled.  We managed to make it out alive but I only go back to the Paragon when it’s light out.

Back to the EOY party.  When Parker’s class of 23 five year olds and accompanying parents did arrive it was complete and utter chaos.  After about ten minutes of children running around looking for balls and trying to figure out what lanes to bowl on things settled down enough to start entering names and establishing who was going to be on what lane.  Parker, his buddy Roman, and I were already entered in on a lane but we had room for a couple more.  We had a mother daughter combo join us to fill out the lane and away we went. (When Parker first got there he made sure everyone knew I had my own ball by pointing it out and saying that’s my dads ball, give him a few years and he will realize he should be ashamed of the fact his dad has his own bowling ball)

You now what?  Five year olds suck at bowling and they suck at concentrating so I knew I had my work cut out for me if I was going to put up a decent score.  My first frame was an open where all I had left to pick up was the ten pin.  I missed it and my first instinct was to kick the ball return and yell out “Fucking Kids!” but I managed to stay calm.  I then went spare, strike, strike, which is amazing because I could have bowled three entire games by myself in the time it took to get through those four frames.    The initial plan was to eat pizza between games and I knew if the kids got to the pizza prior to the completion of the first game I was likely going to lose my mind.  At one point, before the pizza was served, Parker and Roman went to the bathroom so I bowled for them just to speed things up (and keep my rhythm going).

I did miss picking up the turkey because one of the dumb ass five year olds was distracting me by bowling next to me when it was my turn and I had the right of way.  Is it that much to ask a group of five year olds to practice proper bowling etiquette?  Also, I was backing up as I admired one of my strike balls and at that exact same time some little girl walked right behind me, I almost tripped on her and would have likely crushed her to death had I not caught myself.  Once the pizza came out we went from a snail’s pace to the pace of an 82 year old writing a check at the supermarket.  I decided to grab some pizza and make the most of the interlude in bowling.

In the tenth frame on what could have been my last ball I picked up an amazing split that included my little leg kick that I do when I want some extra pin action.  However, no one even saw it, or if they did they didn’t fully realize how awesome the pick up was and what was on the line, I needed that pick up to get over the 160 mark.  Come on people we are making history here!

I had mentioned that there was a second game on the agenda.  As much as I love bowling and as much as I wanted to improve on my first game there was no way I had the patience to make it through another game of bowling with a bunch of five year olds.  I can deal with my five year old, I have to like him because he’s my kid, but I don’t have to like anyone else’s kids and for the most part I don’t.  As I made my way out Parker insisted that I pack up the cupcakes I brought and take the left overs home so he could eat them all.  It was tempting but I didn’t want to end up eating a half a dozen mini smores cupcakes on the ride back to my office.  As I was heading out the door I went over and said thanks to his teacher who must have been noticing me making it happen on the bowling alley because she said “163 that’s impressive.”  What she didn’t realize is handicapping in the 23 annoying five year olds made it more like a 200 game, but I didn’t mention that.  My response was, “Yep, I run a bowling league” she in turn said “Oh, you run a bowling alley?”   To be honest when she said that the first thing that popped in to my head was how awesome it would be to run a bowling alley but the second thing was what guy who runs a bowling alley wears a suit to work? (she’s seen me on multiple occasions in a suit when I drop off the kids).  I decided to immediately correct her and let her know I run a bowling league.  Although, it would have been fun to pretend for the rest of my kid’s educational careers that I ran a bowling alley.

Once in the parking lot I received the following text from Shirley “Pics?”  I proceeded to take a picture of the front of the bowling alley and was going to send that to her.  However, the amount of shit I would have taken for it wasn’t worth it so I  went back in the bowling alley and made Roman and Parker pose for a couple pics and then took a picture of Parker bowling.  I guess the big take away from the EOY bowling party is that my desire to do my best at everything often gets in the way of what truly matters, having fun and taking plenty of pictures while doing so.