The URL to my blog is an attempted homage to Seinfeld, possibly one of the best shows ever produced, (the actual serenity now insanity later.com had already been taken so I had to throw in an extra .com).  It still stands the test of time other than the clothing choices made by its cast.  One of my favorite episodes involves Jerry and his decision to finally get married, Kramer has a heart to heart with him where he explains the potential pitfalls of tying the knot:

 

 

I’m not going to sit here and write that Kramer is 100% dead on in his diatribe about how awful marriage is, but there is some truth behind what he is saying, particularly the part about sitting down and talking about your day with your spouse.  This nugget of truth hit home for me just a couple nights ago.  Shirley was on the phone with her sister discussing her day at work, and in my foolishness I mentioned to her that her sister probably didn’t want to hear about her day at work.  This was partially due to the fact that my wife indicated that she doesn’t get to talk to her sister who lives in Phoenix all that often.  If I had thought things through I would have realized that all women have to talk about is work and their kids and if they are stay at home moms, all they have is their kids.  Regardless, the second I said it I thought to myself “oh shit!”.  My statement incensed Shirley and she relayed it to her sister who assured her that she was delighted to hear about Shirley’s day at work, which was complete and utter bullshit.

Later that night after the kids had gone to bed I was watching the Pistons game, I went upstairs to see if Shirley was still awake because I was hoping for some business time, she was still awake.  Later I went back up to start working my magic only to meet this response “what are you doing?”  Which is code for there is absolutely now way you are getting some tonight.  This lead to a conversation about how I don’t care about her job and never want to hear about it, and the only thing that matters to me is the income she derives form her position and the benefit it brings to our family.  The reality is I don’t want to hear about her job, nor do I want to hear about anyone else’s job unless they are in the adult entertainment industry.  Why would anyone want to talk about work, it’s work, were talking about work man, come on work?  Why we talking about work?

Go ahead and replace practice with work, and that’s how I feel when someone brings up their job and wants to tell me about it.  To be honest I would rather hear someone talk about their kids, at least I can throw in a few stories about something hilarious and often times somewhat troubling that my kids did,  because not even I would start talking about my job in response to someone else doing the same.  In the marriage vows they need to throw something in like this “until death do us part, or you start talking too much about work”.

This is a point I have made before but needs mentioning once again and I can use personal experience to prove my point.  I went on an “ice fishing” weekend a couple weekends ago with five other guys.  Guess how often we talked about work or our kids?  That’s right, none of us even thought about our kids or work, we were too busy “ice fishing” aka drinking, playing bags, and busting one another’s balls.  It was a fun time until I woke up the next morning and death seemed to be a better alternative to continuing to live based upon my prior day’s alcohol consumption.  However, I really struggle to fathom what women discuss when they get together.  Shirley and I were just discussing a trip that she was taking to California to attend her friend’s wedding, a friend she sees one maybe two times a year and speaks to even less frequently.  Her justification for attending was because all of her “friends” were going as well I responded that she only sees these women about as often as she sees her friend who lives in California.  She lamented that fact, indicating she wished she saw these women more frequently.  Why?  So you can drink wine and talk about jobs and kids?  To a degree I understand, it is probably fun getting a little tipsy and complaining about husbands, but that too has to get old after a while.

The fortunate thing is that Shirley is, as of at least this moment,  going to play in a golf league.  In the past I have received complaints from her that I am always going on golf trips, Vegas trips, and “ice fishing” trips, while she rarely goes away with just the girls.  You know why that is?  Because guys are fun and girls aren’t, so going away with a bunch of women is not going to be the most efficient use of vacation and resources, unless it ultimately breaks out into a panty wearing pillow fight that ends up being recorded and placed on YOU Tube only to go viral resulting in millions of views.  The funny thing is, a while back Shirley had an iPad hooked up to her text messages and left it out while her friends were texting back and forth about a girls night.  I jumped in under the guise I was Shirley and sent the following text “you know what would be really cool to do tonight? if we got into our underwear and had a pillow fight that we recorded and sent to our husbands” it was the only interesting text in the string.   Now that she is in a golf league she at least has something to counter balance all of my activities.

As far as marriage goes, I am not as down on it as Kramer, it serves a purpose for the most part.  On top of that, I out kicked the coverage and am married to someone who is far superior to me, unfortunately even though I am aware of this, and she is likely aware of this, I am still unwilling to listen to her work stories.  Furthermore, I see the alternative first hand.  I have a buddy who is recently divorced and he gets more ass than a bicycle seat.  Am I jealous?  Of course not, how could I be?  Could he say the wrong thing to the women he is courting and get rejected?  Probably not, these chicks are pre-qualified and regardless of what he says or does they are lathered up and ready to go, what fun is a sure thing?  Furthermore, there is some peace of mind in knowing that you are going to get some on your birthday and various other sexidays.  We have a contract!  It’s my birthday!  Seriously, if you are to the point where your not at least getting some on your birthday what are you still married for?

Obviously most of this is in jest, but there is part of me that wonders what life would be like had I not met the woman of my dreams or even if I had still met the woman of my dreams and we had decided that having kids and spending most of our time and financial resources on them was not a prudent decision?  I frequently have dreams where either I am not married to my wife, I’m in my forties and can’t find a suitable partner to marry and have a family with, or she has finally come to her senses and kicked me to the curb, leaving me lonely and in a state of utter panic.  When I wake up from these dreams I am truly grateful for the fact it was only a dream.  Maybe prison isn’t so bad after all.