“Mr. Roboto”

That Robot is fucking creepy, Shirley doesn’t like me using that word in my blog, but it is. You know what else is creepy?  When I get in my car and my phone knows where I am going before I do.  The other day when I was leaving my office to go pick up the kids from school it told me how long it would take me to get there before I even started my vehicle. How does it know I’m getting ready to drive?  And how does it know exactly where I am going?  I was quite tempted to not pick them up just to prove a point that my phone isn’t as smart as it thinks it is.  Damn you phone!  Sorry Aiden and Parker I couldn’t pick you up from school today because I had to prove a point to my phone.  It knows that I’m going to lunch basketball at MVP (which takes place on Monday, Wednesday and Friday), it knows that I’m going to my office from lunch basketball, it even knows that I am going Kuyper college to play lunch basketball which occurs on Tuesday and Thursday.  What about people who go to unsavory places like a crack house or an “oriental spa” does it tell them the expected time to reach those locations?   “You will be high out of your mind in 7 minutes”  “You will be finishing your happy ending in 22 minutes” (this time frame may be a bit harder for your phone to predict, but who knows it may know you that intimately)

What happens if companies use this to their advantage?  You get in your car and it suggests  a route and it tells you you are going to the nearest Taco Bell.  You weren’t actually planning on going to Taco Bell but who are you to question your phone?  Besides one of those grilled puntalitos sounds delicious (I made that up, I don’t eat at Taco Bell, and I don’t eat at McDonalds either, unless it’s breakfast, I”m a fast food snob).  Just think if companies are somehow able to accomplish this feat, people love their phone more than their pets, more than their spouses, and definitely more than their children, they are going to listen to their phone and do what it tells them to do.

The most troubling thing that was revealed to me just this past Saturday was frightening.  A few years back Shirley had suggested that we put an app on our phones that allows us to track one another.  I have nothing to hide but for the fact that I typically work about 12-15 hours a week if I’m really putting my nose to the old grindstone.  Shirley doesn’t know this, she knows I don’t work that much, but she has no idea how little I truly work. If she pulled up this app it would be fairly obvious when my phone is either at MVP, on the Thornapple river, or at Thornapple golf course that I’m not in the office.  I thought about getting a phone to put the app on that I could just leave at my office,  but instead I just refused since I knew that this idea would fade within the week just like every other idea she has.  However, we are now on the same plan and when I got back form my run on Saturday Parker said “we were spying on you.”  I asked him how that was possible and Shirley piped in that since we are on the same plan she can track my movements (we haven’t always been on the same plan).   I was tempted to immediately flush my phone down the toilet, but I played it cool and acted like it was no big deal.  Hopefully my non-chalante attitude threw Shirley off the sent and she was unable to detect my utmost anxiety at the thought of her tracking my every move.

Following up on my last post, the kids have been doing a fairly good job of staying in their beds.  However, I had Parker talked in a lizard in lieu of a cat but Shirley seems to think a cat is a great idea.  While it is frightening what technology has been able to accomplish, I do feel that it has let me down in its inability to create a cat with all the positive qualities a cat possesses (there may be none) while at the same time removing all of the negative qualities they possess (licking their buttholes which for some reason is way worse when a cat does it as opposed to a dog, shitting and pissing in a litter box and then walking on your counter, shedding everywhere, eating you when you die).

Monday morning I was getting ready to get the kids out the door and in the middle of the kitchen putting the kids snacks in their back pack, suddenly something went running across the floor.  I immediately started thinking about how horrific it is to have a mouse run across your floor in front of you as you’re minding your own business.  This isn’t the first mouse encounter I have had at our house, last winter as I was watching TV there was a mouse scurrying about and distracting me from my television viewing.  The ultimate question is: “what’s worse? having mice or having a cat?”   My children know my stance on cats, I dislike them and have had a number of negative encounters with cats over my lifetime.  Unfortunately, Parker is bound and determined to have a cat.  Last spring he found a flyer for a coupon for kitty litter and told his mom “we should save this for when dad dies and we get a cat.”  Due to my incessant yelling (actually just talking to my kids in a stern voice) my kids can’t wait until the door is opened for them to get a cat.

All four of you who read this blog are cognizant of the fact that my kids still come in to my bedroom and sleep next to Shirley’s side of the bed on the floor.  It use to be that they would come in between midnight and three am, but recently we have actually come in to go to bed only to find Aiden sound asleep in his sleeping bag next to Shirley’s bed (yes, there are two sleeping bags and two pillows waiting for the kids, we are partially to blame for the debacle our nights have become). Regardless of the percentages of blame to go around (I feel that Shirley takes all of the parental blame on this one since I have insisted that we put our foot down on this matter but have deferred to her because they sleep on her side of the bedroom).  While Aiden being asleep prior to us retiring for the night is problematic for one primary reason, one other issue is that I am a bit of a light sleeper, good sleeper I can fall asleep in 15 seconds and could sleep in a closet if necessary, but I do wake rather easily.  Aiden gets up from the floor every night around 3am to use the bathroom and always turns on the light even though we have a night light that illuminates our bathroom as if it were a street lamp over an urban street.  This wakes me up every night and this week I finally decided it was time to put this to an end.

There are many other reasons to put this to a stop but one big one is that we are going on spring break and sharing a house with another family.  The house will be entirely unfamiliar to the kids and there is a chance if this habit were to continue they could mistakenly end up in our friends bedroom.  However, if we just had the kids sleep with us from the get go and only utilize one bedroom an argument could be made for a reduced payment rate by the Jansma’s.  Regardless, the mouse and my children’s desire to have a kitten seemed to be an opening to incentivize the children remaining in their beds.  I told the kids yesterday morning that we could get a kitten but it hinged on their behavior.  They volunteered a number of services they were willing to provide so they could get a kitten and I responded by telling them the only way they were getting a kitten is if they remained in their beds moving into the weekend.  My kids had two different reactions to this news.  Parker was confident that he could do it and that we would be shopping for a kitten this weekend.  Aiden went the opposite direction and immediately started crying.  Parker told him to shut up so he could talk to me about the ground rules for acquiring a feline pet.  This led to Aiden scratching Parker and an overall unenjoyable ride to school.

It’s quite remarkable how different siblings can be.  Aiden was certain that there was no way he could ever remain in his own room but Parker believed in himself and was confident he could achieve the task.  Furthermore, on Monday when I picked the kids up I had Cheetos for them (don’t judge me).  After eating three Cheetos Aiden had “cheese” all over his pants, fingers, face and shirt.  Parker, after eating all of his allotted Cheetos was spotless.  No matter what they eat Aiden looks like he has been in an eating contest with his hands tied behind his back and Parker looks like the only thing he is allowed to eat is Kale.

Through out the day I was dreading last night, knowing that it was going to harken us back to the days of having infants.   Seven years as Aiden’s parent made me realize there was no way he wasn’t going to repeatedly attempt to come in our room and sleep next to Shirley.  As I was putting them to bed last night they were informed that their sleeping bags and pillows had been put away and that there was no bedding on the floor in our room to utilize.  This didn’t phase Aiden, probably because his resolve to sleep in our room didn’t require bedding on the floor, but Parker started crying and wanted to know where his sleeping bag was.  This was a 180 from his stance that morning so I did some quick thinking and showed them youtube videos of cats on catnip doing crazy things.  The first video I clicked on was of a women with four cats, feedings them all catnip as she talked to them like they were her very own offspring.  Made me think there is a market for a dating website called crazycatpeople.com.  That video was incredibly boring, and even my kids were losing interest, and they watch a Youtube channel called Ryan’s toy reveal where all the kid does is open toys.  (His parents make millions of dollars off this, just wanted to give my readers one more reason to be angry today) We switched to a compilation video of cats dong crazy things and this took Parker’s  mind off his sleeping bag and he went to sleep with little resistance.   I actually laughed at a number of the things the cats did,  but quickly realized the cat we get will do none of those things and likely try to kill me in my sleep.

As planned, Aiden came into our room and insisted on sleeping in our room, he was returned to his bed by Shirley but continued to protest eventually falling back asleep.  However, pretty much every hour after that he came back to our room and insisted that the hall light remain on as well as our bedroom door remain open.  So, at 2am I was wide awake and unable to go back to sleep because I need darkness to fall asleep.  Not only was Aiden disturbing us but he was also causing issues for Parker causing him to say “Aiden, I need my sleep!”  Eventually I made my way to the guest bedroom so that I could have pitch black conditions to continue to sleep.  As I retreated to the guest bedroom I had little confidence that Aiden would remain in his bed.  Sure enough, Parker came into the guest room a little after 6 and said to me “I thought you were going to put us back in our beds if we tried to sleep in your room?”  I responded “is Aiden not in your bed?” already knowing the answer to my question.

On the way to school Parker was allowed to watch my phone with ear buds in so that Aiden couldn’t see or hear it.  Additionally, the kids are getting no electronics if they come into our room.  Will this stop Aiden form coming in our room?  Probably not, he was willing to bust open his piggy bank last week and pay his mom to cuddle with him prior to going to bed when she said she was going to skip cuddle time and go down stairs and watch TV.  I imagine the next few days being magical for Parker as he remains in his bed, new toys, limitless access to electronics, all you can eat ice cream while Aiden eats bread and water and his only source of entertainment is little house on the prairie books (I can’t believe I actually enjoyed reading those books as a kid).

The reality is that I have painted myself into a corner somewhat, I don’t want a cat, I hate cats, they are disgusting creatures who climb on your counter with poop filled kitty litter marred paws, getting hair all over everything in their path, on top of that they would eat your corpse if you died and no one found you, a dog won’t do that that’s a fact.  On top of that, I know who is going to get stuck cleaning the litter box and feeding the damn thing. Now, in my haste to write this blog I haven’t researched “animatronic cats that catch mice and can fool a five year old into thinking its a real cat” but they have to be out there right?  I’d pay thousands of dollars for that.  My only fall back is hoping that Aiden doesn’t hold up his end of the bargain, but is it worth being woken up twelve times a night and my marriage slowly unraveling to avoid owning a cat?  Probably, but I do believe before it even gets to that Parker will duct tape Aiden to his bed so that he can finally accomplish his dream.

The URL to my blog is an attempted homage to Seinfeld, possibly one of the best shows ever produced, (the actual serenity now insanity later.com had already been taken so I had to throw in an extra .com).  It still stands the test of time other than the clothing choices made by its cast.  One of my favorite episodes involves Jerry and his decision to finally get married, Kramer has a heart to heart with him where he explains the potential pitfalls of tying the knot:

I’m not going to sit here and write that Kramer is 100% dead on in his diatribe about how awful marriage is, but there is some truth behind what he is saying, particularly the part about sitting down and talking about your day with your spouse.  This nugget of truth hit home for me just a couple nights ago.  Shirley was on the phone with her sister discussing her day at work, and in my foolishness I mentioned to her that her sister probably didn’t want to hear about her day at work.  This was partially due to the fact that my wife indicated that she doesn’t get to talk to her sister who lives in Phoenix all that often.  If I had thought things through I would have realized that all women have to talk about is work and their kids and if they are stay at home moms, all they have is their kids.  Regardless, the second I said it I thought to myself “oh shit!”.  My statement incensed Shirley and she relayed it to her sister who assured her that she was delighted to hear about Shirley’s day at work, which was complete and utter bullshit.

Later that night after the kids had gone to bed I was watching the Pistons game, I went upstairs to see if Shirley was still awake because I was hoping for some business time, she was still awake.  Later I went back up to start working my magic only to meet this response “what are you doing?”  Which is code for there is absolutely now way you are getting some tonight.  This lead to a conversation about how I don’t care about her job and never want to hear about it, and the only thing that matters to me is the income she derives form her position and the benefit it brings to our family.  The reality is I don’t want to hear about her job, nor do I want to hear about anyone else’s job unless they are in the adult entertainment industry.  Why would anyone want to talk about work, it’s work, were talking about work man, come on work?  Why we talking about work?

Go ahead and replace practice with work, and that’s how I feel when someone brings up their job and wants to tell me about it.  To be honest I would rather hear someone talk about their kids, at least I can throw in a few stories about something hilarious and often times somewhat troubling that my kids did,  because not even I would start talking about my job in response to someone else doing the same.  In the marriage vows they need to throw something in like this “until death do us part, or you start talking too much about work”.

This is a point I have made before but needs mentioning once again and I can use personal experience to prove my point.  I went on an “ice fishing” weekend a couple weekends ago with five other guys.  Guess how often we talked about work or our kids?  That’s right, none of us even thought about our kids or work, we were too busy “ice fishing” aka drinking, playing bags, and busting one another’s balls.  It was a fun time until I woke up the next morning and death seemed to be a better alternative to continuing to live based upon my prior day’s alcohol consumption.  However, I really struggle to fathom what women discuss when they get together.  Shirley and I were just discussing a trip that she was taking to California to attend her friend’s wedding, a friend she sees one maybe two times a year and speaks to even less frequently.  Her justification for attending was because all of her “friends” were going as well I responded that she only sees these women about as often as she sees her friend who lives in California.  She lamented that fact, indicating she wished she saw these women more frequently.  Why?  So you can drink wine and talk about jobs and kids?  To a degree I understand, it is probably fun getting a little tipsy and complaining about husbands, but that too has to get old after a while.

The fortunate thing is that Shirley is, as of at least this moment,  going to play in a golf league.  In the past I have received complaints from her that I am always going on golf trips, Vegas trips, and “ice fishing” trips, while she rarely goes away with just the girls.  You know why that is?  Because guys are fun and girls aren’t, so going away with a bunch of women is not going to be the most efficient use of vacation and resources, unless it ultimately breaks out into a panty wearing pillow fight that ends up being recorded and placed on YOU Tube only to go viral resulting in millions of views.  The funny thing is, a while back Shirley had an iPad hooked up to her text messages and left it out while her friends were texting back and forth about a girls night.  I jumped in under the guise I was Shirley and sent the following text “you know what would be really cool to do tonight? if we got into our underwear and had a pillow fight that we recorded and sent to our husbands” it was the only interesting text in the string.   Now that she is in a golf league she at least has something to counter balance all of my activities.

As far as marriage goes, I am not as down on it as Kramer, it serves a purpose for the most part.  On top of that, I out kicked the coverage and am married to someone who is far superior to me, unfortunately even though I am aware of this, and she is likely aware of this, I am still unwilling to listen to her work stories.  Furthermore, I see the alternative first hand.  I have a buddy who is recently divorced and he gets more ass than a bicycle seat.  Am I jealous?  Of course not, how could I be?  Could he say the wrong thing to the women he is courting and get rejected?  Probably not, these chicks are pre-qualified and regardless of what he says or does they are lathered up and ready to go, what fun is a sure thing?  Furthermore, there is some peace of mind in knowing that you are going to get some on your birthday and various other sexidays.  We have a contract!  It’s my birthday!  Seriously, if you are to the point where your not at least getting some on your birthday what are you still married for?

Obviously most of this is in jest, but there is part of me that wonders what life would be like had I not met the woman of my dreams or even if I had still met the woman of my dreams and we had decided that having kids and spending most of our time and financial resources on them was not a prudent decision?  I frequently have dreams where either I am not married to my wife, I’m in my forties and can’t find a suitable partner to marry and have a family with, or she has finally come to her senses and kicked me to the curb, leaving me lonely and in a state of utter panic.  When I wake up from these dreams I am truly grateful for the fact it was only a dream.  Maybe prison isn’t so bad after all.