(Note the kids are somewhat standoffish around the kid dressed as the clown from IT, it’s either because the kid crapped his pants or they are legitimately terrified of him)

 

 

I’m not going to say that the day after Halloween brings about the same level of depression that the day after Christmas does, but I definitely feel a bit down in the dumps today.  Is it because November 1 is a signal that winter is right around the corner and there is very little to look forward to until Thanksgiving and Christmas?  Possibly, but Halloween does elicit joy, likely because we are allowed to dress up and pretend to be something we aren’t.  Or, even if you are unable to dress up as an adult you are able to put costumes on your kids and pretend for at least an evening they are something else other than your annoying ungrateful kids allowing you to forget for a brief moment they are 99% to blame for their frequent late arrivals to school.

Before I get into the alarming picture I have pasted on my blog, (hopefully it isn’t a link and actually the picture, but my ineptitude with technology makes me think the picture will no longer be there once I post this blog) just a few thoughts on Halloween from a parent’s perspective.  First of all, the costumes are way better now days.  Back in the day if you were going to purchase a costume it came with a plastic mask that had an elastic string on the back which was solely responsible for keeping the mask in place.  It was pretty much guaranteed that by the third or fourth house you visited the elastic string broke and you were left holding your mask up with one hand and your trick or treat pumpkin in the other hand.  On top of the elastic string issue, most of the masks had a mouth hole that was about the size of a dime resulting in the constant fear of suffocation and inevitable brain damage due to lack of oxygen.  Unfortunately, the body of the costume was also made out of plastic as well and only came in one size so wether you were 3 foot 2 or 5 foot 9 the thing looked completely ridiculous when worn.  My kids were a police officer and a ninja and were they not 6 and 4 respectively they could have easily arrested someone or starred in a Bruce Lee movie, that’s how legit their costumes were.

While the quality of the costumes have increased exponentially over the years so has the candy.  Skittles, Reese’s Peanut Butter cups, Milky Ways, and a variety of other name brand and popular candy bars were handed out at pretty much every house.  Back in the day you would get stuck with at least 3 or 4 Bit of Honey’s, Mamba’s (they come in banana flavor that right there tells you how horrible they are), Milk duds (great a candy that will stay stuck in my teeth for at least 24 hours just in case I get hungry again) and those peanut butter flavored things that came individually wrapped in either orange or black wrapping, they were so bad that they didn’t even have a name.  If you were handing those things out it was pretty obvious that you had given up on Halloween and possibly life.  Had they had the quality of candy my kids have when I was trick or treating I would have started canvasing the neighborhood immediately after school and probably not returned home until November 1.  My kids on the other hand hit maybe 15 houses and then were willing to call it a night.  Fortunately I had a costume and drove separately from my wife and kids to the trick or treat location so I was able to stay out until midnight.

The picture that I have posted and hopefully appears on this blog and not just as a link brings one central question to mind “what were this kids parents thinking?”  I believe there are a couple of possibilities here:

“Honey, you know how Stuart (I’ve never met a normal Stuart) wants to dress up as Mathew McConaughey in the Lincoln commercials?  Well, I have a way better idea.”

“He has had his heart set on that for quite some time now, but I do feel like an alternative costume would be ideal due to how gigantic of a douchebag McConaughey appears to be in those commercials, do you think he is that big of a douche in real life?”

“He’d have to be one hell of an actor if he wasn’t, and he’s not much of an actor, so probably yes.  The tag line should be “want to be a douche, drive a Lincoln”. So, I was thinking as a way to get him off that costume we dress him up as a clown, what kid doesn’t’ want to dress up like a clown?  but not just any clown, the clown from IT, it will be one of the funniest things ever.”

“First of all, no one likes dressing up as a clown, on my top three things I fear, clowns are number three right behind the Zombie Apocalypse and missing my window to poop and never being able to poop again.  Granted, it would be hilarious but is it worth the risk of Stuart being labeled a psychopath the rest of his school aged years and ostracized to the point that his only option for friends are either the theatre crowd or future farmers of America kids?”

 

“It happened again, Randy came home crying, the same kids keep picking on him because he still hasn’t learned to stop eating his boogers.  It also doesn’t help that he continually says poopy butt in response to just about everything, often at the most inopportune times”

“Well, we have two options, we can either cut off his fingers so he can’t pick his nose anymore, which seems somewhat extreme but may be necessary, or we can send him to school dressed like the clown from IT.  Nobody will fuck with the kid if he shows up in that costume.”

“Definitely no to option one, but I feel like sending him to school as the clown from IT  results in a 99 percent likelihood that he would either turn into the next John Wayne Gacey or possibly even worse and become one of those people who does kids birthday parties dressed up as a clown so they can be around kids and their unsuspecting parents.”

“Serial killer, possibly, birthday party clown no way, he doesn’t have the coordination to make animal balloons nor will he ever.  I realize the current radio and television ad campaigns about anti-bullying brought us a lot of hope that this behavior would stop but surprisingly elementary age kids don’t really care how uncool bullying is to society as a whole.  I’ll grab the face paint and clown costume tonight on my way home from work.”