“So, what can I help you with today?”

“I just wanted to drop this computer off, it took a dump on us and I wanted to see if it was worth repairing.”

“Well, we don’t do drop offs, you are going to need an appointment.”

“Did I just mistake what I thought was the Apple Store for a dentist office? Because I’m not looking to get a cavity filled or my teeth cleaned, I need to see if this computer is salvageable. Never heard of a dentist office in a mall, but malls are almost as lucrative as video stores these days so I wouldn’t be surprised if they are renting out space to just about any viable business that can pay rent.  My dog is taking a nap in my truck and it’s been about three years since she’s had someone sticks thermometer up her ass, well at least someone with an advanced degree, should I bring her in here for a check up, you guys take walk ins for that?”

“Computer?  It’s not a computer it’s a Mac.  And of course it’s salvageable and likely worth the cost it will take to make it right again, because it is the creme de la creme of technology.”

“Really, I have the latest I phone and I can’t even get my pandora app to play music, it just tells me it’s buffering, is that because it doesn’t approve of my station choices? or does your creme de la creme of technology struggle to run a rudimentary app?  I’ve been forced to listen to actual radio stations that play music and I’m about ready to get out my CD collection if I can’t get pandora to start working again.”

“Have you tried turning your phone off?”

“You can turn your phone off?  I have never dared do that out of fear that it won’t turn back on and, well I don’t even want to think about that scenario, can you imagine not having a phone?  How would anyone get in touch with me?  How would I communicate all my astute observations and intelligent thoughts to the world without my phone?  Regardless, yes I turned it off, and that didn’t fix the problem.  I am at a loss if that doesn’t work, but let’s stick to the primary reason for my visit to the only place to assemble a group of employees that makes the geek squad look cool, the desktop I brought in.”

“So you do want an appointment?”

“Yes, I want an appointment, do I have to carry this computer around the mall?  I already feel weird when I go into Victoria’s Secret under the guise that I’m shopping for my wife, obviously not weird enough to keep me from going in there, but it’s going to be even more awkward when I’m browsing through thongs with this computer in tow.”

“Yes, we can take your computer and put it in the backroom, it looks like it’s going to be an hour and ten minutes before we can get you in for your appointment.  Just give me your phone number and we will text you when we are able to get you back in here”

“Seriously?  I guess on the bright side that’s an hour and ten minutes I don’t have to spend with my family.   I’m sure I can find something to keep me occupied, I saw a Chinese acupuncture place over by the Korean nail place is it full service? I feel like you would know?”

“I’m scared of needles so I have no idea, we will text you when it’s your turn.”

…….. “We’ve held your place at the Genius Bar you’ll get a message when it’s almost your turn”

…… “We’re ready now please check in with a specialist.”

“Wow, that was quick looks like I’m going to need to come back to Hollister to get my full creep on, by leaving and coming back that should keep them from calling the Kentwood police again.”

“Excuse me, are you a specialist, you’re kind of ugly, at the very least you work here, I just got a text that you guys are ready for me.”

“No, I don’t work here, I do spend a lot of time here and yes it would be my dream job but I don’t work here.”

“How do I check in?  Everyone here looks like a complete loser, it’s hard to tell the customers from the employees”

“Just look for the I pad, everyone who works here has an iPad, track one of them down and they will get you put in place.”

“thanks for the tip sir.”

“I’m actually a woman, but that’s not the first time someone has mistaken my gender.”

“Sorry about that, got to go I see someone toting an I pad wearing pleated kakis, jackpot!”

“You have an I pad you must be a specialist, plus by the looks of you it appears you have yet to have sex with a real live human being, which seems to be a common thread with everyone who works at this place.  Can you check me in so I can get out of here before the sun goes down and things start to get really weird in here?”

“Obviously you are quite new to this whole set up, an experienced customer would have picked up a hot pretzel and sat in one of the massage chairs before they responded to their text.  When we said an hour and ten minute wait time we meant it, would you rather wait here at planet of the dorks or out in the mall where you can feel a sense of superiority to everyone you come across?”

“I do like going into the African American stores and watch them look at me as if I was an extra terrestrial, I want to say to them, what you never had a 43 year old white guy buy a pair of Yeezy’s before?”

“That does sound like fun.  Hang tight I’ll see if we can get you to the front of the line.”

“Ok sir, it looks like your hard drive is no longer functional, it’s going to be $125 to fix it.”

“If I give you the green light can you throw in a pair of those Beats by Dre, I want to wear them when I go to that African American store to pretend to buy a pair of Yeezy’s, that will really blow their mind.”

“I wish I could, but it costs $18 to manufacture those, wait a minute pretend you didn’t hear that, I’m not suppose to tell people that, I just can’t focus when I don’t have my fidget spinner.”

“Your secret is safe with me as long as you let me in back to see the sex bot, I know you guys have to have a sex bot, jerking off can only get you so far, and theres no way you guys haven’t already come up with a robotic way to solve that problem.”

“I guess you have me between a rock and a hard place, you can look but you can’t touch, follow me and pretend like you need to use the employee restroom.”