“You say you offer a free initial consultation correct?”

“Yes, mam, we offer free consultations up to 30 minutes in length.  We try to cover the basics and hopefully answer most of the questions you have about your case, what kind of case do you have?’

“I want to divorce myself.”

“Divorce yourself, do you have multiple personalities?”

“No, just one, I just couldn’t find that special someone and then I realized that special someone was staring right back at me… when I looked in the mirror.  It’s actually called Sologamy.”

“Sodomy sounds much better, but different strokes for different folks I guess.  Did you actually have a ceremony?”

“Did I?  I have always dreamed of getting married and I wasn’t about to let the fact that I have bit of a weight problem, cleft pallet that I never had corrected, as well as IBS that rears it’s ugly head at the drop of a pin, stand in my way.  So I found myself a mate, me, and put a wedding together by organizing it myself.   By marrying myself I was able to call all the shots, no one butting in and trying to tell me how I should have my wedding.  It was a little weird when I jammed the piece of cake in my own face instead of having a husband or wife do it to me, it could have been either, I”m not entirely sure what team I play for if you know what I mean.  Not to mention trying to kiss myself, probably could have kept that out of the ceremony, that was quite awkward.  Overall though the wedding was a smashing success because I planned it without interference from anyone else.  I wish the marriage would have been as much of a smashing success as the wedding.”

“No surprise there, most people peek about three hours after the wedding, it all goes to shit after that.  That’s why when homosexuals were clamoring for gay marriage I just laughed.  I thought to myself, those poor bastards have no idea what they are getting themselves into.  Pretty sure most of them wake up in the middle of the night after about six months in asking themselves WTF did I get myself into, wonder if we can put a constitutional amendment through banning this?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to see what you mean.  There’s that running joke where they ask what’s the one food that kills a woman’s sex drive?”

“Water?”

“No, wedding cake.”

“I actually started turning myself down once I got married.  I had the labido of a teenage boy with unfettered access to nudey mags and then I married myself.   You know how disheartening it is to get turned down by yourself?”

“No, I really don’t, I love jerking off and it has become somewhat of a necessity now that I have been married for 8 years to the day.”

“I just don’t get me anymore, and I tell myself it’s not me it’s me if that makes sense.  I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for things falling apart.  I just wish I was a better listener.  There are even times when I feel like I’m not even listening to myself and sometimes I  wonder if I ever actually loved myself or was marrying myself just on a whim because I wanted someone to love me for who I was.”

“I’ll be honest, I have never handled anything like this, this may be unchartered territory.  It made sense from a legal standpoint for them to institute gay marriage because they were allowing gay couples to adopt in some states so they had to have a mechanism to allocate custody of the children if the parties separated and they needed a way for them to legally split up all their shit.   However, you don’t have that problem since all your shit would go directly. to you and no one else.  Also, don’t tell my mom I said that about gay marriage, I can hear her right now saying “it’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.”

“I just figured since I married myself and it wasn’t working that I would have to get divorced.”

“Now that tells me right there you know absolutely nothing about how marriage works.  Divorce is for quitters.  There are plenty of people who have been miserable for decades and they stay married.  Most of the people I see in here for consults think the grass is going to be greener on the other side I try to make them understand that there is someone just as equally crazy as their current spouse just waiting to meet them, if they haven’t already met that person which is typically the impetus that gets them into my office in the first place.  Once it dawns on them that I am probably right I typically never hear from them again.”

“Your’e probably right, staying married to myself is probably the safest bet, you know a good marriage counselor?”

https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/2912505/sologamy-marrying-yourself/

Happy anniversary to my wonderful wife Shirley!  6 of the happiest years of my life (we were married on 7/11/09). I can write that because she never reads my blog, one of the many reasons our marriage has survived this long.