When you are out and about as much as I am you run in to some strange situations that are often times remarkable.  The good news is I have my own blog that I can use to document peculiar behavior that I witness in society.  Typically, I put notes on my phone that reference the observed behavior so that I can circle back at some point and write about the encounter.  One such notation is “Receipt for a doughnut”.  I was on my way back from court in Ionia county and stoped at a farm stand right off of 96 on my way back into GR.  While I was purchasing  a tomato for BLT’s that night for dinner I ended up in line behind a retiree who was after a doughnut.  All he bought was one doughnut and was upset when he was not given a receipt for his doughnut.  Old people are the worst, what earthly reason could you have for requiring a receipt for a doughnut?  Pretty sure you can’t write off doughnut purchases on your taxes and the guy probably hadn’t actually worked in at least twenty years so a write off, if available, wouldn’t benefit him in any way.

Even more annoying was another incident involving an old person.  I was behind an elderly women at the U scan at D&W.  There are things that truly irk me, and one of those is people writing checks at stores.  Have you heard of a debit card?  Even old people have those so why are you writing a check?  While the check writing is befuddling some of these people double down on annoying by balancing their check book in their ledger after they complete their purchase, further holding up commerce at the store.  I figured the U scan was the guaranteed location to avoid check writing, but I was wrong.  Not sure how this old geezer even knew she could write a check at the U scan, but there she was putting the brakes on my shopping experience as she filled out her check.  On a side note, there are certain types of people you want to avoid if you are hitting the U scan, and old people are at the top of the list, so it is partially on me for getting in line behind this old bag.  However, I do think there are ways to really enhance the U Scan aisle.  First of all, you should be required to take a test to be allowed to utilize the U scan and once you reach a certain age you would be required to retest yearly.  This would weed out the people who clog up the U Scan like an oversized Turd in a low flow toilet.  I pride myself in my U scan prowess, I have had situations where my amazing proficiency U scanning has been put to the test by glitches in the system outside of my control, or on rare occasions I make a u scan mistake, when this happens I am immediately disappointed in myself and feel a great degree of shame.  (What’s confusing to me and could cause problems for even the most experienced U scanner is when you get Sweet Corn or Green beans, do you browse for the corn in the S section of the popular items look up or the C? beans in the G or the B?)

One of the most peculiar shopping experiences I have ever had occurred just a couple weeks ago.  I went to Costco for the sole purpose of getting butt wipe, we were out and apparently the only place we can get toilet paper is Costco due to the 2 cent per roll savings we receive by purchasing it at a warehouse club.  I was on the Dutch Christian Reformed side of town, the Ottawa County Kent County Border, and decided to hit the Grandville Costco.  It’s not my Costco and I am unfamiliar with the store foot print.  Not sure why they don’t have every Costco set up the same, my guess is they just like screwing with people.  Fortunately I didn’t get to the point of desperation that I asked an employee where the butt wipe was.  Regardless, while I was only seeking TP, I also was fortunate that one of Costco’s “random items of the week” was a water balloon sling shot.  In hind sight I should have bought at least three instead of two.  Shopping at Costco is similar to having herpes, there’s items they have there that catch you completely off guard and you never know if or when they will have them again.   A set of dumbbells weights 10lb’s through 45, why not?  I’ve always wanted people to think I work out when they go into my basement, I better buy them now no telling if they will ever have them again. A kayak? no time to price compare, they only have two left!

After locating the 36 roll pack of toilet paper I made my way to the check out.  In front of me were two Indian guys, what appeared to be a father in his 60’s and his son who was probably in his 30’s.  They were India Indians not Native Americans (not even I’m that politically incorrect to call an Indian an Indian).   Kind of weird for an adult son and his adult dad to go shopping together at Costco but that’s just the beginning.  The son was the member and the dad was the purchaser.  They were purchasing two packages of Craisins, as if Raisins weren’t awful enough Ocean Spray came up with a raisin knock off by using cranberries.  You know what would make raisins seem tolerable?  Nothing?  No, creating a cranberry raisin off shoot, we can call them Craisins!  The check out lady told the dynamic duo that because the purchaser was not a “member” that they had to pay with cash, the son looked at the dad with a “fuck no I aint paying for your Craisins look on his face” and the dad begrudgingly pulled out some cash and paid for the two packages of Craisins.

The Indians had set the record for fewest number of items ever purchased in one Costco trip with two packages of Craisins, there is no way in the history of Costco that anyone has ever purchased just one item.  I made my way up to the check out clerk with my toilet paper and two water ballon sling shots and the clerk said in a tone of surprise, “this is all you got?”  I wanted to respond, seriously?  You didn’t say shit to the guys who merely bought two packages of the worst fruit product ever created!   I kept my mouth shut and checked out making sure to keep my receipt so that I could get out of Costco without any hassle.  I have always wondered a number of things when I shop at Costco:

1. Why do I need to show my receipt to get out of here?
2. What would happen if I didn’t keep my receipt to show to the door attendee?
3. Will my life ever get to such a low point that I take my entire family out for a meal at the Costco cafeteria?
4. Do the people who hand out the samples get a cut of sales?  They always seem so upset when I give my kids samples and I don’t take one, the only earthly reason they could be upset is if they had some financial skin in the game.

 

 

“So, what can I help you with today?”

“I just wanted to drop this computer off, it took a dump on us and I wanted to see if it was worth repairing.”

“Well, we don’t do drop offs, you are going to need an appointment.”

“Did I just mistake what I thought was the Apple Store for a dentist office? Because I’m not looking to get a cavity filled or my teeth cleaned, I need to see if this computer is salvageable. Never heard of a dentist office in a mall, but malls are almost as lucrative as video stores these days so I wouldn’t be surprised if they are renting out space to just about any viable business that can pay rent.  My dog is taking a nap in my truck and it’s been about three years since she’s had someone sticks thermometer up her ass, well at least someone with an advanced degree, should I bring her in here for a check up, you guys take walk ins for that?”

“Computer?  It’s not a computer it’s a Mac.  And of course it’s salvageable and likely worth the cost it will take to make it right again, because it is the creme de la creme of technology.”

“Really, I have the latest I phone and I can’t even get my pandora app to play music, it just tells me it’s buffering, is that because it doesn’t approve of my station choices? or does your creme de la creme of technology struggle to run a rudimentary app?  I’ve been forced to listen to actual radio stations that play music and I’m about ready to get out my CD collection if I can’t get pandora to start working again.”

“Have you tried turning your phone off?”

“You can turn your phone off?  I have never dared do that out of fear that it won’t turn back on and, well I don’t even want to think about that scenario, can you imagine not having a phone?  How would anyone get in touch with me?  How would I communicate all my astute observations and intelligent thoughts to the world without my phone?  Regardless, yes I turned it off, and that didn’t fix the problem.  I am at a loss if that doesn’t work, but let’s stick to the primary reason for my visit to the only place to assemble a group of employees that makes the geek squad look cool, the desktop I brought in.”

“So you do want an appointment?”

“Yes, I want an appointment, do I have to carry this computer around the mall?  I already feel weird when I go into Victoria’s Secret under the guise that I’m shopping for my wife, obviously not weird enough to keep me from going in there, but it’s going to be even more awkward when I’m browsing through thongs with this computer in tow.”

“Yes, we can take your computer and put it in the backroom, it looks like it’s going to be an hour and ten minutes before we can get you in for your appointment.  Just give me your phone number and we will text you when we are able to get you back in here”

“Seriously?  I guess on the bright side that’s an hour and ten minutes I don’t have to spend with my family.   I’m sure I can find something to keep me occupied, I saw a Chinese acupuncture place over by the Korean nail place is it full service? I feel like you would know?”

“I’m scared of needles so I have no idea, we will text you when it’s your turn.”

…….. “We’ve held your place at the Genius Bar you’ll get a message when it’s almost your turn”

…… “We’re ready now please check in with a specialist.”

“Wow, that was quick looks like I’m going to need to come back to Hollister to get my full creep on, by leaving and coming back that should keep them from calling the Kentwood police again.”

“Excuse me, are you a specialist, you’re kind of ugly, at the very least you work here, I just got a text that you guys are ready for me.”

“No, I don’t work here, I do spend a lot of time here and yes it would be my dream job but I don’t work here.”

“How do I check in?  Everyone here looks like a complete loser, it’s hard to tell the customers from the employees”

“Just look for the I pad, everyone who works here has an iPad, track one of them down and they will get you put in place.”

“thanks for the tip sir.”

“I’m actually a woman, but that’s not the first time someone has mistaken my gender.”

“Sorry about that, got to go I see someone toting an I pad wearing pleated kakis, jackpot!”

“You have an I pad you must be a specialist, plus by the looks of you it appears you have yet to have sex with a real live human being, which seems to be a common thread with everyone who works at this place.  Can you check me in so I can get out of here before the sun goes down and things start to get really weird in here?”

“Obviously you are quite new to this whole set up, an experienced customer would have picked up a hot pretzel and sat in one of the massage chairs before they responded to their text.  When we said an hour and ten minute wait time we meant it, would you rather wait here at planet of the dorks or out in the mall where you can feel a sense of superiority to everyone you come across?”

“I do like going into the African American stores and watch them look at me as if I was an extra terrestrial, I want to say to them, what you never had a 43 year old white guy buy a pair of Yeezy’s before?”

“That does sound like fun.  Hang tight I’ll see if we can get you to the front of the line.”

“Ok sir, it looks like your hard drive is no longer functional, it’s going to be $125 to fix it.”

“If I give you the green light can you throw in a pair of those Beats by Dre, I want to wear them when I go to that African American store to pretend to buy a pair of Yeezy’s, that will really blow their mind.”

“I wish I could, but it costs $18 to manufacture those, wait a minute pretend you didn’t hear that, I’m not suppose to tell people that, I just can’t focus when I don’t have my fidget spinner.”

“Your secret is safe with me as long as you let me in back to see the sex bot, I know you guys have to have a sex bot, jerking off can only get you so far, and theres no way you guys haven’t already come up with a robotic way to solve that problem.”

“I guess you have me between a rock and a hard place, you can look but you can’t touch, follow me and pretend like you need to use the employee restroom.”

 

 

“You say you offer a free initial consultation correct?”

“Yes, mam, we offer free consultations up to 30 minutes in length.  We try to cover the basics and hopefully answer most of the questions you have about your case, what kind of case do you have?’

“I want to divorce myself.”

“Divorce yourself, do you have multiple personalities?”

“No, just one, I just couldn’t find that special someone and then I realized that special someone was staring right back at me… when I looked in the mirror.  It’s actually called Sologamy.”

“Sodomy sounds much better, but different strokes for different folks I guess.  Did you actually have a ceremony?”

“Did I?  I have always dreamed of getting married and I wasn’t about to let the fact that I have bit of a weight problem, cleft pallet that I never had corrected, as well as IBS that rears it’s ugly head at the drop of a pin, stand in my way.  So I found myself a mate, me, and put a wedding together by organizing it myself.   By marrying myself I was able to call all the shots, no one butting in and trying to tell me how I should have my wedding.  It was a little weird when I jammed the piece of cake in my own face instead of having a husband or wife do it to me, it could have been either, I”m not entirely sure what team I play for if you know what I mean.  Not to mention trying to kiss myself, probably could have kept that out of the ceremony, that was quite awkward.  Overall though the wedding was a smashing success because I planned it without interference from anyone else.  I wish the marriage would have been as much of a smashing success as the wedding.”

“No surprise there, most people peek about three hours after the wedding, it all goes to shit after that.  That’s why when homosexuals were clamoring for gay marriage I just laughed.  I thought to myself, those poor bastards have no idea what they are getting themselves into.  Pretty sure most of them wake up in the middle of the night after about six months in asking themselves WTF did I get myself into, wonder if we can put a constitutional amendment through banning this?”

“Yeah, I’m starting to see what you mean.  There’s that running joke where they ask what’s the one food that kills a woman’s sex drive?”

“Water?”

“No, wedding cake.”

“I actually started turning myself down once I got married.  I had the labido of a teenage boy with unfettered access to nudey mags and then I married myself.   You know how disheartening it is to get turned down by yourself?”

“No, I really don’t, I love jerking off and it has become somewhat of a necessity now that I have been married for 8 years to the day.”

“I just don’t get me anymore, and I tell myself it’s not me it’s me if that makes sense.  I suppose I have no one to blame but myself for things falling apart.  I just wish I was a better listener.  There are even times when I feel like I’m not even listening to myself and sometimes I  wonder if I ever actually loved myself or was marrying myself just on a whim because I wanted someone to love me for who I was.”

“I’ll be honest, I have never handled anything like this, this may be unchartered territory.  It made sense from a legal standpoint for them to institute gay marriage because they were allowing gay couples to adopt in some states so they had to have a mechanism to allocate custody of the children if the parties separated and they needed a way for them to legally split up all their shit.   However, you don’t have that problem since all your shit would go directly. to you and no one else.  Also, don’t tell my mom I said that about gay marriage, I can hear her right now saying “it’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve.”

“I just figured since I married myself and it wasn’t working that I would have to get divorced.”

“Now that tells me right there you know absolutely nothing about how marriage works.  Divorce is for quitters.  There are plenty of people who have been miserable for decades and they stay married.  Most of the people I see in here for consults think the grass is going to be greener on the other side I try to make them understand that there is someone just as equally crazy as their current spouse just waiting to meet them, if they haven’t already met that person which is typically the impetus that gets them into my office in the first place.  Once it dawns on them that I am probably right I typically never hear from them again.”

“Your’e probably right, staying married to myself is probably the safest bet, you know a good marriage counselor?”

https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/2912505/sologamy-marrying-yourself/

Happy anniversary to my wonderful wife Shirley!  6 of the happiest years of my life (we were married on 7/11/09). I can write that because she never reads my blog, one of the many reasons our marriage has survived this long.