“So, what can I help you out with today?”

“I’m finally breaking free, you guys have held me hostage for the past ten years, with your allegedly unbeatable service, well I’ve got options and I’m porting.”

“Porting, that’s what a lot of people say they are going to do, but rarely does anyone actually pull it off, I realize you’re coming in here feeling all triumphant and liberated, but those feelings will be gone shortly and you will leave here feeling more dejected and helpless than the American public feels about the countries’ current state of affairs.”

“I don’t have a contract, I have had my phone for two years, a fact that is evidenced by the 7 minutes of battery life I have after a full charge and the fact that my phone will randomly power down at the most inconvenient times.  Last weekend I was in Traverse City and had just purchased some doughnuts at a local doughnut shop.  My phone died just as I made it to the shop so I had no way, other than the kindness of strangers, to find the only Starbucks in town.  I asked the doughnut shop employees and they tried to get me to go to a local shop and when they realized I wasn’t going there, they pretended to be unable to send me in the proper direction.”

“Just like humans, the second a phone is activated every second brings it closer to it’s death.  You really think after you pay off your phone it’s going to last much longer?  What kind of business model would that be?  We haven’t done anything dramatically new to smart phones in five years so the only way to get people to purchase new ones is if their current one takes a major shit. Cracked screen, random powering down, and no battery life, seriously how long before you throw that thing against a wall?”

“Well, after this month this phone is paid off and I’m going to keep using it until it dies.”

“No, you’re not, we already know you have been perusing our website looking at the new Google Pixel, and it’s only $28 per month.   That’s about an eighth of what you pay for cable and internet, we are practically giving it away, this phone is a game changer, well until the next Google or I phone comes out that is.”

“Ok, let’s just get down to it, I want out now, what’s it going to take?  This Cricket wireless is offering a free smart phone and nationwide 4G coverage with unlimited data, talk, and text for 60 bucks, my data package alone with you clowns is $100 per month.”

“Let me give you a little analogy, here, let’s just stay you had the incredible fortune of dating Scarlett Johansen, then you find out Tina Fey is interested in you.  Your intrigued because she may possibly be the only truly funny person with a vagina on the planet.  You think, there’s plenty of attractive people with vagina’s but if I land the only funny one how awesome would that be?  Besides she’s kind of cute, other than that scar which can be overlooked in light of her overall uniqueness.  So, you kick Scartlett to the curb because you want someone who can make you laugh.  However, you discover that even though she can make you laugh every so often, she isn’t drop dead gorgeous every second of every day, and that is something you have grown accustom to and are starting to truly miss.  Sure, it’s great that Tina will throw an occasional blow job your way every so often and not expect you to reciprocate, but stunning beauty is not overrated, it’s the end all be all of human existence.  Well, that’s exactly what would happen if you switched to another provider, you are with the Scarlett Johansen of cell phone providers right now and Scarlett’s vagina tastes like Skittles and she looks sexy even at 5 in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, she doesn’t fart either, not even by accident.  You go to Cricket Wireless what do you think?  There’s a reason they are throwing out all kinds of promotions and deals on phones, their service sucks, ours doesn’t so why would we give anyone any type of financial incentives to join our network.  People tell themselves they can overlook certain physical flaws because they are getting someone with a great personality, but let’s be real, the only way to truly overlook someone’s physical shortcomings is over consumption of alcohol.”

“Well, maybe Sprint then they are a bit more pricey and no free smart phone, but they are only one percent worse than you guys and 50 percent cheaper. Why wouldn’t I jump on that network.”

“Why don’t you do this, next time you are out at the bar and trying to pick up some tail, why don’t you tell whoever you may be zoning in on that you’re only one percent worse at sex than Brad Pitt.  That should get them to go to bed with you in a heartbeat, right?”

“I’ve told people I was Steve Gates before, in the hopes that they didn’t know Bill had no offspring, but I have never tried that one.  Pretty sure that would be an epic fail for a number of reason.”

“Just like Brad’s sexual prowess is not measurable or comparable to another human being, our cell phone service is not measurable in percentages against another provider.  Sprint is full of shit, we are one percent worse than Verizon, what does that even mean?”

“They could have said they were 9% worse than you guys and I would have been fine with it, I just want to be able to tell you guys to go pound sand and port my number, you screw me over on data every month.  How do I know if I use that much data? You could tell me I use 25 Gigs of data and I would have no way to refute it.  It’s like the utility companies, they can tell you you used whatever amount of their product they want, how are you going to prove otherwise?   I didn’t use that much water, I only used 932 gallons last month not 1,233.  No, there’s no way I went through 2 kilowatts of electricity, I follow my wife and kids around turning off lights, are you telling me I still owe you guys $300, I even put energy efficient light bulbs in some of my lamps and light fixtures!  Are you telling me you guys know how much data every single one of your users is eating up on a monthly basis?”

“No, we just tell the people who we think make enough money that  we think they wouldn’t give much of a shit that they are over their data allotment every so often that they are over their data allotment every so often.  We actually have an algorithm that we use, it’s worked quite well.  I realize you think you can break free, but remember when you decided you were going to go from an I phone to a Samsung?  How did that work for you?  As I recall you ended up throwing your Samsung into a set of concrete steps and had to go back to your I phone 4 until you could get through your contract.  Ultimately, you ended up with a phone that was slower than a Prius trying to merge onto a highway.”

“So, can I get any type of credit if I trade in my current phone?”