Everyone loves holidays, right?  Arbor Day, Columbus Day, President’s Day, these are all holidays that have little significance in our lives, even if you work for the government or a bank, because no one actually gets work off for these tier three holidays.  However, tier two holidays such as Labor Day, Valentine’s Day, and Justin Timberlake’s birthday will typically result in the majority of public employees and some of those who are privately employed, actually acknowledging the holiday and celebrating it.

However, if you are single, shouldn’t you just say F#!K Valentines Day?  I am surprised people who disdain discrimination haven’t protested the very idea of a holiday that is meant only for those who have coupled up.  Basically, if you are single isn’t the very idea of Valentine’s Day and the pomp and circumstance surrounding it implicitly telling you what a loser you are?  I think a similar case could be made for New Year’s Eve, there’s always this pressure to get out and do something fun on New Year’s Eve, and that fun typically involves being surrounded by thousands of strangers who are also only out forcing fun on themselves because society has told them that’s what they need to be doing.

Even worse is that couple who hates one another and is annually reminded that they should be celebrating the fact that they are together as a couple, even though they routinely think of creative ways they could get away with murdering their significant other.   While the tier 1 holidays all have their upside, such as Christmas, the Fourth of July, and Martin Luther King Day because most people get them off as paid vacation days, there is an underlying fringe benefit to most holidays and special occasions that people, typically women, overlook.

If you are a sex starved husband, whose wife treats sex like its a privilege and not a right, Valentine’s Day is one of those days you have circled on your calendar.  It’s the closest thing you can come to as a sure thing without putting a rufi in your wife’s drink.  Sure, I am sure there are guys out there who still F it up, but as long as you get a card for your wife and some flowers, the combination of those acts should be a panty dropper right there, if you do those two things and let her watch her favorite reality show, she may even fake an orgasm for you.  However, what about the other holidays and special occasions?  Are there any other days for a sex starved husband, or wife (I have heard rumors of husbands who don’t like sex and turn it down, but they are like unicorns and attractive lesbians, I have yet to meet one in person) that are guaranteed sexidays?

Let’s start with the basics:  Birthdays, yours and hers.  It’s a guaranteed on your birthday, right?  I would hope so, but what about her birthday?  That’s a bit more difficult of a subject to tackle.  I would think most women would love for nothing more than a one way ticket to pound town on their birthday, but what if your wife is one of the 99 out of every 100 women who don’t enjoy sex?  Do you give her an extra birthday present and just keep your grubby mitts off her?  Or, do you put on the full court press thinking to yourself she would be emotionally scarred if you didn’t make a play for some coitus on her birthday.  It’s truly a catch 22 if there has been no “her birthday precedent set”.  So, if it is fairly early in the relationship you have to go for it every birthday to set a standard, that way she won’t even think to say no, “well, it’s my birthday I guess I have to do my wifely obligation, I remember when I use to actually like birthdays!”  (On a side note, if the people in a relationship detest one another enough, I guess they could just have an agreement that they get to have sex with “someone” on their birthday, it shouldn’t be too hard to accomplish that with Tinder and Craig’s List)

Anniversaries are akin to her birthday but a bit more complicated due to the fact that it isn’t her anniversary it’s “your” anniversary.  There’s probably a couple different ways to handle the anniversaries, one way would be to have sex on even years (the male way of celebrating an anniversary) and refrain from sex on odd years (the female way of celebrating).  I still feel like an anniversary is more her’s than his, so maybe you want to go one year on two years off, because it just feels right.  A second option, for those who treat sex like a trip to the dentist office, would be to merely require the “anniversary” sex to take place with in the same month of the anniversary.

Another issue that comes into play with birthday and anniversary sex is when do you actually need to do the deed?  On the date of the birthday or anniversary, or on the date it is celebrated?  I say both, but I ‘m sure I’m in the minority.  So, if your birthday is on a Tuesday but you don’t go out until the following weekend, when does the Mrs. have to give up the goods?  If a couple is on the fence I say you do a real quick one on the actual date and then do it for like a minute and forty five seconds when you are really ready to get after it, typically after a nice dinner at apple bee’s and few drinks at the local tavern.

In line with the birthdays and anniversary is Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, what do you do there?  I feel like once again Father’s Day is basically a sure thing, but Mother’s Day is a grey area.  If a guy plays his cards right and get’s all kinds of sentimental gifts involving the kids it can lead to the sex jackpot, but, once again, it is her day, and some ladies don’t always say yes to the D, in fact they may actually hate the D and everything it stands for.  (The reality is, if they only knew how awesome it was to have a D, they would embrace the D like it was one of their children, is there anything better than peeing outside?  No, just ask my kids, they pee outside when they are at our home and have access to four functioning toilets).

Christmas Eve, Easter, Halloween, and Fourth of July are all discretionary.  As far as I’m concerned you can make any special occasion that much more special by having sex, but those holidays probably aren’t top of mind when it comes to sexiday, at least for married guys.  Halloween is the only exception due to the vast quantity of women dressed up like total whores, I have a feeling that leads to way more sex than what typically happens on a regular day in October.  I will say this though, besides the holidays I have outlined,  there is one other occasion that may lead to even more of a sure thing than coming home with expensive jewelry or saying your wife looks nice out of the blue.  It’s the adult party with alcohol where the kids are at the in laws.  Women have no idea what is going on here, but if your husband agrees to drive and keeps fetching you drinks, he’s got one thing on his mind.  Believe me, I have seen plenty of husbands work this angle, but it takes some know how because there is a sweet spot.  Not enough booze and it may not happen, too much booze and it may not happen until the next morning and then it’s a complete crap shoot depending on how much of an alcoholic your wife is and how unrelenting her hang over’s are.

This Article was authored by Randy Coitus he has a PHD in sex from Phoenix University

 

“So, what can I help you out with today?”

“I’m finally breaking free, you guys have held me hostage for the past ten years, with your allegedly unbeatable service, well I’ve got options and I’m porting.”

“Porting, that’s what a lot of people say they are going to do, but rarely does anyone actually pull it off, I realize you’re coming in here feeling all triumphant and liberated, but those feelings will be gone shortly and you will leave here feeling more dejected and helpless than the American public feels about the countries’ current state of affairs.”

“I don’t have a contract, I have had my phone for two years, a fact that is evidenced by the 7 minutes of battery life I have after a full charge and the fact that my phone will randomly power down at the most inconvenient times.  Last weekend I was in Traverse City and had just purchased some doughnuts at a local doughnut shop.  My phone died just as I made it to the shop so I had no way, other than the kindness of strangers, to find the only Starbucks in town.  I asked the doughnut shop employees and they tried to get me to go to a local shop and when they realized I wasn’t going there, they pretended to be unable to send me in the proper direction.”

“Just like humans, the second a phone is activated every second brings it closer to it’s death.  You really think after you pay off your phone it’s going to last much longer?  What kind of business model would that be?  We haven’t done anything dramatically new to smart phones in five years so the only way to get people to purchase new ones is if their current one takes a major shit. Cracked screen, random powering down, and no battery life, seriously how long before you throw that thing against a wall?”

“Well, after this month this phone is paid off and I’m going to keep using it until it dies.”

“No, you’re not, we already know you have been perusing our website looking at the new Google Pixel, and it’s only $28 per month.   That’s about an eighth of what you pay for cable and internet, we are practically giving it away, this phone is a game changer, well until the next Google or I phone comes out that is.”

“Ok, let’s just get down to it, I want out now, what’s it going to take?  This Cricket wireless is offering a free smart phone and nationwide 4G coverage with unlimited data, talk, and text for 60 bucks, my data package alone with you clowns is $100 per month.”

“Let me give you a little analogy, here, let’s just stay you had the incredible fortune of dating Scarlett Johansen, then you find out Tina Fey is interested in you.  Your intrigued because she may possibly be the only truly funny person with a vagina on the planet.  You think, there’s plenty of attractive people with vagina’s but if I land the only funny one how awesome would that be?  Besides she’s kind of cute, other than that scar which can be overlooked in light of her overall uniqueness.  So, you kick Scartlett to the curb because you want someone who can make you laugh.  However, you discover that even though she can make you laugh every so often, she isn’t drop dead gorgeous every second of every day, and that is something you have grown accustom to and are starting to truly miss.  Sure, it’s great that Tina will throw an occasional blow job your way every so often and not expect you to reciprocate, but stunning beauty is not overrated, it’s the end all be all of human existence.  Well, that’s exactly what would happen if you switched to another provider, you are with the Scarlett Johansen of cell phone providers right now and Scarlett’s vagina tastes like Skittles and she looks sexy even at 5 in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, she doesn’t fart either, not even by accident.  You go to Cricket Wireless what do you think?  There’s a reason they are throwing out all kinds of promotions and deals on phones, their service sucks, ours doesn’t so why would we give anyone any type of financial incentives to join our network.  People tell themselves they can overlook certain physical flaws because they are getting someone with a great personality, but let’s be real, the only way to truly overlook someone’s physical shortcomings is over consumption of alcohol.”

“Well, maybe Sprint then they are a bit more pricey and no free smart phone, but they are only one percent worse than you guys and 50 percent cheaper. Why wouldn’t I jump on that network.”

“Why don’t you do this, next time you are out at the bar and trying to pick up some tail, why don’t you tell whoever you may be zoning in on that you’re only one percent worse at sex than Brad Pitt.  That should get them to go to bed with you in a heartbeat, right?”

“I’ve told people I was Steve Gates before, in the hopes that they didn’t know Bill had no offspring, but I have never tried that one.  Pretty sure that would be an epic fail for a number of reason.”

“Just like Brad’s sexual prowess is not measurable or comparable to another human being, our cell phone service is not measurable in percentages against another provider.  Sprint is full of shit, we are one percent worse than Verizon, what does that even mean?”

“They could have said they were 9% worse than you guys and I would have been fine with it, I just want to be able to tell you guys to go pound sand and port my number, you screw me over on data every month.  How do I know if I use that much data? You could tell me I use 25 Gigs of data and I would have no way to refute it.  It’s like the utility companies, they can tell you you used whatever amount of their product they want, how are you going to prove otherwise?   I didn’t use that much water, I only used 932 gallons last month not 1,233.  No, there’s no way I went through 2 kilowatts of electricity, I follow my wife and kids around turning off lights, are you telling me I still owe you guys $300, I even put energy efficient light bulbs in some of my lamps and light fixtures!  Are you telling me you guys know how much data every single one of your users is eating up on a monthly basis?”

“No, we just tell the people who we think make enough money that  we think they wouldn’t give much of a shit that they are over their data allotment every so often that they are over their data allotment every so often.  We actually have an algorithm that we use, it’s worked quite well.  I realize you think you can break free, but remember when you decided you were going to go from an I phone to a Samsung?  How did that work for you?  As I recall you ended up throwing your Samsung into a set of concrete steps and had to go back to your I phone 4 until you could get through your contract.  Ultimately, you ended up with a phone that was slower than a Prius trying to merge onto a highway.”

“So, can I get any type of credit if I trade in my current phone?”