“This is Gabriel thank you for calling Dish Network, how can I help you?”

“Gabriel?  As in the angel Gabriel?  I’m going to need some divine intervention to lower my Dish Network bill, what can I do to get this thing down to double digits?”

“Well sir, first of all I need to tell you that this call may be recorded for quality assurance..

“Hold on there, you guys record every call?  What do you do with all the recordings?  There must be tens of thousands everyday, nobody goes back and actually listens to these calls again do they?”

“Ok, I admit we just say that, we stopped recording these calls ten years ago, but it sounds so good when we say it and it really makes the caller think that if we screw up on our end there is an avenue for them to correct our mistake.”

“Well Gabriel your secret is safe with me as long as we can get my bill down to the GNP of Kenya, can we do that?”

“Even though I am no longer being recorded, I’m still going to be honest with you and say no, I see you have HBO, how about this?  Right now you are paying $20 a month for HBO, I can lower that to $9 a month for the next six months.”

“What happens after six months?”

“It will go up to $22 per month but in six months you won’t even remember that you had HBO for $9 a month and you never look at your bill, it’s auto pay right, so you won’t even know about the increase.”

“You’re probably right, but I really can’t pass on HBO for $9 a month, I’m practically stealing from you guys at that rate, granted I haven’t watched HBO since the season finale of Game of Thrones in June, but you never know when I will be in the mood for Short Circuit 2.  Will this six months get me through all of the next season of Game of Thrones?  I heard they were having some delays with filming.”

“You will be lucky if you are able to get the first three episodes, but there is Girls, that is one of our highest rated shows, that right there is worth $9 a month.”

“Do I sound like a fat chick who owns 3 cats?  Exactly, I wouldn’t watch that show even if it had Scarlett Johansen do a cameo completely naked.  Seriously, just because some critics liked that worthless garbage with zero likable characters it became the new hip show.  Mindless sheep I tell you.  Regardless of the content, I really can’t get rid of HBO until my kids get in to their teens.  I’ll pull the plug on it right as they are hitting puberty so they won’t have the luxury of watching movies that have nude scenes in them, that use to be my go to as a teen if I wanted to see some nudity.  If Game of Thrones would have been around when I was a teenager my penis would have taken even more of a beating than Theon Greyjoy.”

“Are you planning on having internet when your kids reach their teenage years.”

“Yes, more than likely”

“They won’t even realize HBO is a channel.  I see you have the total sports package, I can cut that in half for 6 months.”

“Cut it in half, that sounds like an incredible deal that you are giving me, this is where I should ask how much the sports package is, but I’m not going to do that, for all I know it could be $50 a month and I am now saving $25 off my bill, granted it could also be $5, but i”m just going to roll with it.  Book it, lets keep that sports package at a 50% discount.  By the way, I should warn you I do this for a living, I am an attorney and by the end of this conversation you guys will probably be paying me for the privilege of providing me with satellite television service.  Let’s keep the savings going, what else can I do?  I see there are different channel packages here, I’m guessing I am currently signed up for america’s top 200, am I right there?”

“You got it, you are part of the top 200 that gives you access to 300 channels.  If you want to change packages you can create additional savings.”

“I fell like top 200 is a bit of a misnomer, there’s maybe 9 channels that I watch that I couldn’t get with an HD receiver, can’t we just do some type of a la carte system where I get to pick the channels at 5 bucks a channel, that would put me at $45 a month.  I use to mindlessly flip through channels when I had Comcast but they only had about a hundred channels, I stay between channels 138 and 155 now, TNT through the redone, that’s my safe area, anytime I get out of that range I have no idea what’s in store for me. ”

“If you mention the word a la carte again I will be forced to disconnect this call, can you imagine if you could go a la carte for you channel lineup?  Not even fat chicks with multiple cats would select Oprah’s network, the only thing that is keeping that going is the fact that Oprah has more money than god.  The game show network, I can’t even believe they are able to pull in advertisers, game shows are hard enough to watch when they are new episodes, how do you sell Hollywood squares with celebrities who have been dead for a decade?”

“I’m not sure what I was thinking, you never know when I am going to get a hankering for HGTV again.  While I use to watch their shows religiously, I grew tired of the same plot line on every improvement show, budget, encountering some unforeseen catastrophe, adjusting the budget, softening the blow of adjusting the budget, and successfully pulling off the remodel with the lowered budget.  May as well keep ESPN classic who doesn’t want to watch a sporting event where they already know the outcome, BBC in case I have a real bad case of insomnia, and definitely don’t take away TBS, I didn’t know they made enough Big Bang Theories to loop for 24 hours but if I ever have a closed head injury that leaves me semi comatose that’s the station for me.”

“So, what will it be?  America’s top 120 which gives you 200 channels or do you really want to bring in the savings with America’s top 50 giving you 100 channels?  Hold on if you go with the top 50 we would have to eliminate your sports package,but that would save you additional money.”

“When you indicate the number of channels you receive are you counting the music channels, there are like at least 50 of those, those don’t count do they?’

“Do they have numbers?”

“Is 952-00 a number?”

“They count.”

“Well, while I feel like the sound financial decision would be the Top 50, that channel lineup is probably almost as bad as television prior to cable being invented.  On top of that I can’t imagine life without the Redzone, that last half hour of the first set of games is the most exciting half hour of my week, no commercials either, it’s a life altering experience when the Redzone makes its way into your life.”

“So, do I pencil you in for America’s top 200?  That seems like the best fit for you.”

“What are my total savings?”

“We knocked it down from $140 a month to $120.50”

“Book it!  Although, I have one more question, is there a fee to block every bit of Amy Shumer related content from my cable package?”