“So, what brings you in here today?”

“Well, Doc, can I call you Doc?  I haven’t seen a medical professional in about four years and I figured it’s time to get things checked out just to make sure everything is as it should be.”

“I guess you can call me Doc, if that is how you would prefer to address me.  Did you have any questions or concerns before we get started with the exam?”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s a concern more of a problem if you will, my back hair keeps growing with no end in sight.  I just happened to get a good look at what is going on back there when I was getting out of the shower the other day and it’s a mess.  In all honesty you could put my back hair in a braid, the good news is it’s blonde so it’s a little less noticeable than the average guy, but why do I need back hair or ear hair for that matter?   I try to keep on top of my ear hair but every once in a while I’ll neglect for a week or so and all of a sudden I have long hairs protruding out of my ear hole.  You can’t tell me that I need ear hair to stay warm or back hair.  I guess prior to the days of clothing back and chest hair may have been of some benefit, but I don’t see ear hair as a substitute for a good set of ear muffs or a winter hat.  On top of that I have a minimal amount of hair on my arms and legs, I actually have had women mention how jealous they are of me because if they had my legs they would only have to shave them once a month, however I am a chia pet from shoulders to my waste, makes no sense to me.”

“I don’t know what to tell you about the hair thing, I must have missed that day of med school.  However, they have made amazing advancements in hair removal these days, maybe you should give that a shot.”

“Whoa, not sure I’m up for doing something that extreme, and then once I get started on a hair removal regimen I’m probably going to have to continue on a semi regular basis getting it done.  Look, I am surprised my wife is willing to sleep in the same bed with me let along have sex with me, but that’s on her, the hair warning signs we were dating, fortunately I have an amazing sense of humor and a terrific personality to make up for my over abundance of hair.  Thank goodness she only met my grandpa once and he wasn’t shirtless at the time, the guy looked like a throw rug he had so much back and chest hair, had she known what my future held it may have been a deal breaker.  Now, you expect me to go into some stranger and have them git rid of all of this hair, what if the person doing the hair removal is a hot female?  Pretty sure I can’t handle that type of embarrassment, it’s why I wear a t-shirt at the community pool and at the beech, I know people are wondering why I am swimming with a t-shirt on because I’m in such great shape, obviously you know fat people are typically the ones relegated to keeping their shirt on in water.”

“Did you want to put your shirt on under your gown to hide all your hair?  It seems to be a sensitive issue for you and I want you to be as comfortable as possible.”

“No big deal Doc, you’re not that attractive so it really doesn’t bother me if you see all my faults, or should I say my only fault.”

“Ok, glad that you are comfortable allowing me to see your blemishes.  Are you ready for the exam?”

“Sure thing, let’s get this party started.  Oh, also I would really like another shot at the weigh in, you can’t get an accurate reading with all my clothes on, if you could have the nurse bring a scale in here after you are done I’ll jump on there in my birthday suit so we can get my actual weight.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary, we don’t need to be that exact with your weight, unless that is another one of your insecurities.”

“I’ll just go home and get an accurate reading and call it in if that will be easier, you want me to hop up on that exam table so we can get the ball rolling?”

“Sure thing, I am going to need you to take a deep breath, ok breath out, take another deep breath, you can breath out again…..

“Well you seem to be in really good shape.  We are going to need to get some blood work done and that will take care of everything and last but not least,  did you want me to do the testicular cancer exam?  Also, if you do want that done did you want a chaperone?”

“Chaperone?  Is that code for a threesome?  As long as the chaperone is a female I’m game, while your not my type it would be pretty tough to turn down a potential threesome if the gender odds are in my favor.”

“No, that isn’t what I meant by a chaperone, I meant someone to watch me do the exam to ensure that I am not doing anything inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate?  Is that even possible? It’s been so long since I have had a foreign set of hands handling  my junk that I’m not going to object to anything, as far as I’m concerned give me the 100 point check down there if you know what I mean.  Also, I do have to warn you, I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen down there when you start rolling my nuts around in your fingers.”

“This is an exam that is solely for the purpose of detecting testicular cancer, no more, no less.”

“Ok doc, but I’ll just close my eyes while you are down there doing your thing and let my imagination do the rest.”

“Did you realize that your penis lists to the right?”

“Of course I did, I thought it was as sign of superior intelligence and extreme prowess in the bedroom.  I spend a lot of time in locker rooms and I can’t help but notice some of the other guys in the locker room, it’s like a horror movie you have to look.  Which is another issue I have, I read somewhere that a person’s nose and earlobes continue to grow throughout life, well you know what else continues to grow, at least based upon my observations in the locker room, a guys nut sack, I saw a guy yesterday who was bending over and his balls went half way down his thigh.  This phenomena seems even more pointless than back and ear hair.  You would really be surprised about the lack of modesty in the men’s locker room, especially the old dudes, they are shameless.  I actually saw one guy taking a hair dryer with his leg perched up on a bench and blow drying his pubes.  My wife tells me the women’s locker room is the antithesis of the men’s room, I’m not going to lie, that killed a lot of the fantasies I had imagined about what goes on in there.  Anyway, I haven’t seen anyone else who has the right leaning penis that I do, figured I was special.”

“Well, I don’t think it is a cause for concern or a sign of greatness, but it may have been caused by some scar tissue.”

“Scar tissue, not sure I have had anything that would have caused any scar tissue, I bet it’s just because I’m right handed.  Also, I was talking to my wife Shirley the other day about the whole colonoscopy thing and told her it’s no longer necessary.  She works at a hospital and thinks she knows everything about medicine even though she’s employed in the legal department.  She said I was wrong and that there is no blood test available to test for colon or prostate cancer.”

“Actually, there are a number of alternatives that can be utilized and most of them are blood tests.  There is one where we actually test a person’s fecal matter.  A person would put saran wrap over the toilet and collect a sample to be tested.  There are also different things that can be done depending on if you have a family history of colon rectal cancer.”

“Pooping on saran wrap, that sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster, why not just drop a log into a five gallon bucket?  Seems like that would be a lot less riskier.”

“We don’t typically keep poop buckets around our medical facility.  I also forgot to ask you one of the questions I typically ask in our initial intake.  Do you consume alcohol and if so how often and did you consume some prior to this appointment?”

“Before I answer that, what do most people say is their weekly, or daily consumption?  I don’t want you to think I am a lush or anything.”

“2 to 3 drinks per week is an acceptable amount?”

“You have any tests you can run that determine the over all health of a person’s liver?”