Recently I took my kids to the MVP pool because it was the last week of summer for them.  School starts on Monday and I gave them three options of a fun activity to do to close out the summer and they opted for the pool.  I was hoping they would choose the splash pad down in St. Joseph so we could stop in South Haven on the way home at Sherman’s for ice cream.  No such luck, and instead of Ice Cream they ended up getting smoothies at the pool.  The trip to the pool was relatively uneventful but for two things, the first thing was that within five minutes of arriving at the pool the lifeguards blew the whistles, I immediately thought one of my kids may be drowning even thought they have had two years of Goldfish swimming lessons and last I checked were in 18 inches of water.  Unfortunately it was worse, much worse, someone had dropped a log in the pool and everyone was ordered out while the turd clean up crew went to work ridding the pool of it’s contaminants.  In my mind they should have tracked down the parent, I am assuming it was a child who crapped the pool but I guess it could have been an adult, of the culprit and immediately revoke their membership and force them to swim in the Grand Rapids city pools next summer.

We were stuck out of the pool for about a half hour while the decontamination took place.  What I didn’t understand is how do they completely decontaminate the pool without putting fresh water in it?  There’s no way they can eradicate every single turd molecule from the free floating turd they discovered.  Oh well, in light of the fact that there are probably hundreds of gallons of urine in the pool already, a few pieces of turd can’t be that harmful.  The second incident hit closer to home.  There’s a playground adjacent to the pool and Ted had decided to drop his swimsuit and take a leak in the middle of said playground.  This was just the latest in behavior that could eventually land him on the sex offender registry. A couple weeks ago he pulled out his junk in the middle of Target.  The peeing thing is understandable because I routinely catch him out on the front steps of our house watering the bushes with his own hose.  I’m partially to blame because I encourage this behavior, I have always been an advocate of peeing outside and prefer it over trying to get all my urine into a toilet bowl.  When your outside there’s no spraying the rim of the toilet, or in extreme occasions having it shoot off to the side and onto the floor or the wall.  This typically doesn’t happen to me, but my two kids have no aim and for the most part could care less if any or all of their pee makes it into the toilet. However, pulling his dick out in the middle of Target is disconcerting but hopefully just an isolated incident.  The only way all of their urine would end up in the toilet is if the bowl was the size of the opening on an industrialized trash can.

Taking my kids to the MVP pool made me think back to my childhood and realize that my kids will never be able to, or have to, do what I did as a kid if I wanted to go swimming in a pool. Looking back on my childhood this is one of the most ridiculous things we ever did as kids, and the crazy thing is it actually worked.  My group of child hood friends and I would go to three specific houses if we wanted to go swimming.  These three houses were the three residences in Byron Center that had in ground pools, there were plenty of above ground pools, but who the hell wants to swim in a welfare pool?   One of us would go to the door and ask if we could swim in their pool.  Can you imagine a group of kids doing this today? I want to say that our parents actually knew we did this but I am not certain they did, but if they did what in the world was wrong with them?  Letting your kids go to random people’s homes and ask if they can swim in their pool,  that’s some pretty bad parenting even for the 80’s when children’s car seats just came into play, every kid’s lunch was stocked full of items that equalled at least ten times the USDA recommended in take of sugar (fruit roll ups?  What a misnomer, there was no fruit in those things) and we were allowed to be away from home during the summer and on weekends from sun up to sundown without ever having to check in.

My memory of how we actually figured out who had to go up and ask to use the pool is a bit blurry, I want to say we took turns, but regardless of the mechanism, it’s truly amazing none of us eventually became door to door salesman.  As an adult looking back on unsolicited use of a random strangers pool, I think the appropriate response would have been “get the fuck out of here” not “yes of course you can.”  On top of that, and thankfully this never happened, but what if one of us would have been injured or drown, that would have been a tough one to explain to the company carrying the home owner’s insurance.  “You did what?  You let a bunch of random kids you didn’t know swim in your pool unsupervised?”

“Yes, of course they were unsupervised you think I am going to sit out there and watch a bunch of kids I don’t know play grab ass in my pool?”

I would think, and don’t quote me on this, but any type of insurance coverage is immediately void and null once you let a bunch of random mongrel kids into your pool.  On top of the three in ground pools that were available were we willing to sum up the courage to merely ask to use them, there was also a former residence that was converted into an office building that had an underground pool.  As a kid I wondered why anyone in their right mind would move out of a house that had an in ground pool and I was even more perplexed by the thought of a house with a pool becoming a business with a pool.  Now I realize that owning a pool is a complete pain in the ass and the upkeep and expense of having a pool is rarely worth it (the only time the labor and cost can pay off  is if you are into swinging, orgies in pools have got to be terrific).  So, when we were really desperate we would go swimming after business hours in that pool.  What added insult to injury was the fact that the business pool was way better than any of the other pools we swam in, it was at least 12 feet deep, had an incredibly springy diving board as well as a slide.  However, there were a few awkward moments when someone from the business would show up with their family to swim after hours.  Some times they didn’t care we were there, sometimes they did.

I do believe there is a business opportunity here loosely based upon the allowing of random strangers to use your pool.  There’s air B and B for people who have residences they don’t utilize or for some reason are vacant (or in the case of my brother occupied but with a spare bedroom) why not do the same thing with pools.  Most people I know with pools rarely use them and wish they could get rid of them, why not rent them out for parties or for groups of kids like me and my friends when we were kids?  It could be a gold mine.  Probably not as lucrative as my UBER KIDS idea where you have an uber driver drive your kids to their activities.  (seriously, who wouldn’t utilize this service, what a gigantic pain in the ass carting your kids around to their various activities)  I’m sure kids now a days can put enough scratch together to pay for the utilization of a random strangers pool as well as for an Uber driver to give them a ride to the pool.  This pool idea coupled with uber for kids may very well bring us back to the parenting of the 80’s when you didn’t have to pay any attention to your kids and you had absolutely no idea what they were doing unless they were asleep.

 

“So, what brings you in here today?”

“Well, Doc, can I call you Doc?  I haven’t seen a medical professional in about four years and I figured it’s time to get things checked out just to make sure everything is as it should be.”

“I guess you can call me Doc, if that is how you would prefer to address me.  Did you have any questions or concerns before we get started with the exam?”

“Well, I don’t know if it’s a concern more of a problem if you will, my back hair keeps growing with no end in sight.  I just happened to get a good look at what is going on back there when I was getting out of the shower the other day and it’s a mess.  In all honesty you could put my back hair in a braid, the good news is it’s blonde so it’s a little less noticeable than the average guy, but why do I need back hair or ear hair for that matter?   I try to keep on top of my ear hair but every once in a while I’ll neglect for a week or so and all of a sudden I have long hairs protruding out of my ear hole.  You can’t tell me that I need ear hair to stay warm or back hair.  I guess prior to the days of clothing back and chest hair may have been of some benefit, but I don’t see ear hair as a substitute for a good set of ear muffs or a winter hat.  On top of that I have a minimal amount of hair on my arms and legs, I actually have had women mention how jealous they are of me because if they had my legs they would only have to shave them once a month, however I am a chia pet from shoulders to my waste, makes no sense to me.”

“I don’t know what to tell you about the hair thing, I must have missed that day of med school.  However, they have made amazing advancements in hair removal these days, maybe you should give that a shot.”

“Whoa, not sure I’m up for doing something that extreme, and then once I get started on a hair removal regimen I’m probably going to have to continue on a semi regular basis getting it done.  Look, I am surprised my wife is willing to sleep in the same bed with me let along have sex with me, but that’s on her, the hair warning signs we were dating, fortunately I have an amazing sense of humor and a terrific personality to make up for my over abundance of hair.  Thank goodness she only met my grandpa once and he wasn’t shirtless at the time, the guy looked like a throw rug he had so much back and chest hair, had she known what my future held it may have been a deal breaker.  Now, you expect me to go into some stranger and have them git rid of all of this hair, what if the person doing the hair removal is a hot female?  Pretty sure I can’t handle that type of embarrassment, it’s why I wear a t-shirt at the community pool and at the beech, I know people are wondering why I am swimming with a t-shirt on because I’m in such great shape, obviously you know fat people are typically the ones relegated to keeping their shirt on in water.”

“Did you want to put your shirt on under your gown to hide all your hair?  It seems to be a sensitive issue for you and I want you to be as comfortable as possible.”

“No big deal Doc, you’re not that attractive so it really doesn’t bother me if you see all my faults, or should I say my only fault.”

“Ok, glad that you are comfortable allowing me to see your blemishes.  Are you ready for the exam?”

“Sure thing, let’s get this party started.  Oh, also I would really like another shot at the weigh in, you can’t get an accurate reading with all my clothes on, if you could have the nurse bring a scale in here after you are done I’ll jump on there in my birthday suit so we can get my actual weight.”

“I don’t think that will be necessary, we don’t need to be that exact with your weight, unless that is another one of your insecurities.”

“I’ll just go home and get an accurate reading and call it in if that will be easier, you want me to hop up on that exam table so we can get the ball rolling?”

“Sure thing, I am going to need you to take a deep breath, ok breath out, take another deep breath, you can breath out again…..

“Well you seem to be in really good shape.  We are going to need to get some blood work done and that will take care of everything and last but not least,  did you want me to do the testicular cancer exam?  Also, if you do want that done did you want a chaperone?”

“Chaperone?  Is that code for a threesome?  As long as the chaperone is a female I’m game, while your not my type it would be pretty tough to turn down a potential threesome if the gender odds are in my favor.”

“No, that isn’t what I meant by a chaperone, I meant someone to watch me do the exam to ensure that I am not doing anything inappropriate.”

“Inappropriate?  Is that even possible? It’s been so long since I have had a foreign set of hands handling  my junk that I’m not going to object to anything, as far as I’m concerned give me the 100 point check down there if you know what I mean.  Also, I do have to warn you, I’m not entirely sure what’s going to happen down there when you start rolling my nuts around in your fingers.”

“This is an exam that is solely for the purpose of detecting testicular cancer, no more, no less.”

“Ok doc, but I’ll just close my eyes while you are down there doing your thing and let my imagination do the rest.”

“Did you realize that your penis lists to the right?”

“Of course I did, I thought it was as sign of superior intelligence and extreme prowess in the bedroom.  I spend a lot of time in locker rooms and I can’t help but notice some of the other guys in the locker room, it’s like a horror movie you have to look.  Which is another issue I have, I read somewhere that a person’s nose and earlobes continue to grow throughout life, well you know what else continues to grow, at least based upon my observations in the locker room, a guys nut sack, I saw a guy yesterday who was bending over and his balls went half way down his thigh.  This phenomena seems even more pointless than back and ear hair.  You would really be surprised about the lack of modesty in the men’s locker room, especially the old dudes, they are shameless.  I actually saw one guy taking a hair dryer with his leg perched up on a bench and blow drying his pubes.  My wife tells me the women’s locker room is the antithesis of the men’s room, I’m not going to lie, that killed a lot of the fantasies I had imagined about what goes on in there.  Anyway, I haven’t seen anyone else who has the right leaning penis that I do, figured I was special.”

“Well, I don’t think it is a cause for concern or a sign of greatness, but it may have been caused by some scar tissue.”

“Scar tissue, not sure I have had anything that would have caused any scar tissue, I bet it’s just because I’m right handed.  Also, I was talking to my wife Shirley the other day about the whole colonoscopy thing and told her it’s no longer necessary.  She works at a hospital and thinks she knows everything about medicine even though she’s employed in the legal department.  She said I was wrong and that there is no blood test available to test for colon or prostate cancer.”

“Actually, there are a number of alternatives that can be utilized and most of them are blood tests.  There is one where we actually test a person’s fecal matter.  A person would put saran wrap over the toilet and collect a sample to be tested.  There are also different things that can be done depending on if you have a family history of colon rectal cancer.”

“Pooping on saran wrap, that sounds like it could be a recipe for disaster, why not just drop a log into a five gallon bucket?  Seems like that would be a lot less riskier.”

“We don’t typically keep poop buckets around our medical facility.  I also forgot to ask you one of the questions I typically ask in our initial intake.  Do you consume alcohol and if so how often and did you consume some prior to this appointment?”

“Before I answer that, what do most people say is their weekly, or daily consumption?  I don’t want you to think I am a lush or anything.”

“2 to 3 drinks per week is an acceptable amount?”

“You have any tests you can run that determine the over all health of a person’s liver?”