Oh no, he saw me.  How does this always happen.  Definitely not on my Costco game today.

“Hello there sir, how are you doing?”

Do I respond or do what I usually do, and completely ignore this guy?  I always let my guard down at the entrance when I am trying to locate my membership card.  On top of that the Direct TV guys are like fricken chameleons the way they are able to camouflage themselves amongst the televisions.  Wait a minute, this guy may actually be of some type of use to me.

“Terrible, I’m doing absolutely terrible.  My wife just suggested that we give up TV for the summer.  Honestly, I don’t watch that much TV in the summer time and I probably won’t even notice it being gone, but my kids, what about my kids.  I sprung the news on my oldest son Tod and he was beside himself, the kid cried for a half hour straight.  Then at dinner he somehow remembered television was going to be gone soon and he started crying all over again.  Eat you’re taco Tod and quit crying!”

“Not sure where I fit in here, I was trying to sell you on a Direct tv package and it sounds like that is the lest thing you are going to be needing.”

“No, you are exactly what I need.  TV is your profession, TV content at least, look at all of these channels, I bet you have the ultimate package, one that has all the porno channels even though that’s basically what the internet is for now a days.  You have been to the mountain top, what would you do if your wife told you you had to give up TV for the summer?”

“I don’t actually have a wife, don’t tell anyone this, but I live in my parent’s basement.  You see that guy who checks the receipts, a job that is completely unnecessary by the way since there is absolutely nothing to steal once you get through the check out, that guy makes more money than I do.  I have been working here for six months and I have sold three Direct Tv packages and been told to fuck off 3,012 times.  Not a real good ratio, but their Pizza is so good it makes all the rejection worth it, plus I get free Direct TV.”

“Ok, let’s say your mom wants to pull the plug on your Direct TV package because she’s found way too many crusty sweat socks in your room, how would you respond?”

“My mom would probably end up being dismembered and put in our the freezer next to my dad if she suggested that.  I drive a 1994 Kia, live in my mom’s basement, and can’t even pick up fat chicks on tinder, tv is all I have to live for.  Hold on, we are already getting dad’s social security check, maybe I should do away with mom and then I could probably afford a late model Hyundai and I wouldn’t have to pretend like everything Rush Limbaugh says is right, god that guy is such a blow hard and an asshole.”

“That’s all kind of frightening but your secret is safe with me as long as you can somehow convince my wife that television is almost as essential to our sustenance as food and alcohol. I really don’t think she has thought this thing through, is she really going to get up every weekend morning with the kids and entertain them instead of sticking them in front of the tv while she sleeps in?  No, she’s going to make me get up with the kids, she’s going to use her womanly ways of persuasion and I’m going to be the one getting my ass out of bed to entertain the kids.”

“How am I suppose to convince her that all that is wrong with tv isn’t quite enough to overcome the hours of free babysitting it can provide?”

“That’s the problem, I can’t go to that argument, it’s too logical, and too self serving.  She will consider herself a terrible parent, well even more of a terrible parent, women seem to be much harder on themselves when it comes to parenting then men are, if she continues on with television for the singular purpose of entertaining the kids while she sleeps.  I will say this, and this may be my strongest argument, it’s going to be tough for her to wait me out for sex without Masterpiece Theatre or Survivor around.  I like sex a lot, but I have my limits and Masterpiece Theatre plot lines are about as captivating as your actual life, at least your actual life minus the fact that you chopped up your dad and you and your mom are cashing his social security checks.  Furthermore, I could go back to the first season of Survivor and there is absolutely nothing that differentiates it from the most current season.    Jeff Probst looks exactly the same and he still wears those stupid camping/jungle shirts. There’s no way she stays up past 11:30 if she doesn’t have her go to catalogue of shitty shows on DVR to entertain her.  Maybe there is a silver lining to this whole giving up tv thing.”

“You  may want to mention that if your kids don’t have television to talk about they will likely be ostracized by their classmates.  If your kids don’t know the  ins and outs of Spiderman, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Paw Patrol you may as well just home school them, they will be socially inept.  Can you imagine the difficulties you would have experienced had you not been able to watch television?  Not being able to talk about the A team with your classmates at recess, the inability to truly see what black life is actually like through the eyes of the Huxtable family, not to mention the sexual coming of age brought about by Daisy Duke.  Television is Americana at it’s finest and to pull the plug on it is akin to an act of treason.”

“You make a great point, my Dish contract runs out in June, what’s your best sports package?  You may get out of your mom’s basement without killing her after all.”