Ladies and gentlemen we are so glad you could make it this evening.  Tonight is a very special occasion that is a milestone few ever achieve, ok, I actually have that kind of wrong. Let me rephrase that, tonight marks a milestone that everyone who makes it to the age of 4 achieves, but still who doesn’t want an excuse to unnecessarily celebrate something that has actually no significance and takes nothing to accomplish?  That’s right, showing up is all you have to do.  Hell, most of the time the kids are either napping, playing on the playground, or eating their boogers.  On top of that our preschool program begins at 9 and ends at 11:11 three days a week. That’s a total of 393 minutes a week.  I’m not even sure why they include the word school in the title,  a better name for it would be “a place to bring your kids that makes you feel like your doing something better for them than daycare but you really aren’t”  It’s like giving your kids yogurt even though it has just as much sugar in it as ice cream and basically the same nutritional value.  Regardless, our fine students have overcome insurmountable odds to get here today.

Our children have learned absolutely nothing while in our pre-school program but we still have an awards portion to our commencement ceremony.  I realize that there is no way to scholastically judge any of the children currently “graduating” from pre-school tonight since most of them just learned how to speak in incoherent sentences this year, but there are certain things that need to be acknowledged when it comes to our students.  The first award we are handing out tonight is the award for the best nap taker.  Now I realize that pre-school is only a little over two hours long three times a week but these kids are fucking nuts, it’s like trying to herd cats when you have more than four of them in a room together. So, in my mind it is entirely justifiable for them to take a  nap even if they typically are only awake for a little over an hour prior to taking that nap.  That being said, we had to disqualify all Dutch students from this award due to their genetic propensity to sleep anytime anywhere.  We weren’t even inducing these naps with a meal of roast and mashed potatoes and they were still sleeping 380 minutes a week.

The award for best nap taker goes to our only student who isn’t Dutch, while she’s actually Korean, but she was adopted by a Dutch family, but still she’s really not Dutch, maybe her parents will tell her that, but once she starts doing really well in math and driving terribly she will know she’s different from everyone else, so here’s to Soo Devries, way to go Soo, you were the only student who refused to take naps, but due to our stringent set of rules regarding this award you win.  Could we get Soo up here to accept her award?

The next award goes to our student who went the most consecutive school days without a skid mark in their underwear.  There were no ethnic parameters for this award due to the fact that all our students seemed to be incapable of wiping their own asses and their parents seemed to have tired of the task for the most part.  However, a few of our, shall we say “challenged” kids were automatically disqualified because they are still in diapers, but we still had enough kids out there in undies to make this award quite competitive.  This year we have a surprise winner folks.  In the ten years we have been giving out this award we have never had a boy take home the prize.  However, this year we have broken the poop stain gender barrier.  Can we get a round of applause for Steve VanSolkema?  He went 7 school days without a skid mark, that’s over 917 minutes of no racing stripes in his under pants.  Way to go Steve!  You are going to make one hell of a kindergartner some day, of course it’s going to be a while though, you still have to get through young fives and then there’s always the possibility of pre-kindergarten, but you’ll get there someday.  What little Steve doesn’t realize is being 16 in 8th grade isn’t such a bad thing, not only are you better at sports than everyone else you also are the only one with a driver’s license.

Our last award goes to the kid who fell from the tallest height from the playground equipment without breaking a bone.  Again, no ethnic parameters and again lots of applicants due to the fact that pretty much everyone of our kids took a major tumble while all of our teachers were busy talking about Survivor, the Bachelor, or who we think Ms. White in the front office is currently diddling.  We actually have a tie for this one, two of our students are coordinate enough to actually climb on top of the monkey bars and attempt to walk across them.  Both Elizabeth Devries and Daniel VanBruggen fell from the top of the monkey bars while standing on them, but we only have one award to hand out due to budget cuts.  So, we had to implement a tie breaker.  The tie breaker is amount of crying after the fall.  Daniel actually cried like a little bitch and Elizabeth didn’t even shed a tear so Elizabeth takes home the hardware.  I’ll be honest, had an adult done the same thing they would have ended up in a full body cast, makes me think kids are made entirely of cartilage.

Well everyone, I’m really glad you could make it out here to commemorate something that is about as remarkable as the sun rising in the east and setting in the west.  The children of our class have done very little to distinguish themselves from other children in their class or other children their age for that matter.  Furthermore, I realize many of you have things you could have been doing that were actually much more productive than sitting here watching a bunch of booger lickers progress to the next stage of their fairly uneventful lives, but this is something that these kids will never remember due to the fact that children don’t establish long term memories until the age of 5, and you will likely forget or at least try to forget by the end of June, so I’m sure whatever you could have been doing instead of this would have been a much better use of your time.  Just remember, it’s not too early to reserve your tickets for next years kindergarten graduation for those fortunate enough to actually be attending kindergarten next year.  Tickets are going fast, so if you want to reserve seats for loved ones, friends, neighbors, people you have met on social media, you had better act quickly.