It doesn’t take much to figure out that marriage coupled with raising children is a difficult task.  There are a number of reasons for this fact, but basically it comes down to the fact that they broke the husband/father mold when I came along.  I’m not sure on the actual statistics as to marriage failure rate, but I think it is hovering right around the 50% mark.  Now, there has been a steady decline in divorce filings, but that ‘s because more people are choosing not to get married.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  So, why get married when marriages typically fail? Unless you can marry me, and they are currently trying to clone me so that women all across the globe can enjoy the marital bliss that Shirley does, it’s likely to be a constant struggle.

While I am joking somewhat about how truly terrific I am (I am the only one who knows what the lint screen is in our dryer and I do make a mean meatloaf) one of the fundamental problems with marriage is that traditionally it has involved men marrying women.  No new news here that men and women are entirely different in their way of thinking as well as how they go about doing things.  I think my point can be illustrated when looking at at the game of golf.  9.6% of the population plays golf, of that 9.6% 77.5% are men and the rest are women (I don’t think they ran the stats on the trans gender population).   What I also found interesting was the fact that 68% of the golfing population is married, it didn’t say how many times they have been married or wether they are happily married, but a huge chunk of the golfing population is married.

What I also didn’t find out in my little fact finding mission is what percentage of the 68% of married golfers golf together.  My guess is not a real large percentage due to the fact that only 22.5% of the golfing population is female.  Now, why all these statistics abut golfing?  How does golf illustrate the difference between men and women?  Well, it shows what men value and what women value.  Most golfers, unless they are me, or are retired, have to golf on the weekends or evenings when they aren’t working.  For me, weekends and evenings are prime family time where I get to enjoy spending valuable time with Tod and Ted as they find new and exciting ways to torment me.

What the casual observer who is unfamiliar with golf also needs to know about golf is, not only is it primarily played on nights and weekends, it is one hell of a time suck.  On the occasion that I do get out and play on the weekend I typically schedule a tee time around 6am to avoid the typical 5 and a half hour round of golf.  I also avoid hearing “you’re just playing 9 right?” from Shirley due to the fact that I am typically home from golf before she even makes it out of bed.  9 holes? That would be akin to having a date night with your wife and concluding the night by dry humping on the couch (quite unsatisfying to say the least).

Most men who are avid golfers and enjoy playing have no qualms about spending 5 and a half hours out on the course separated from their family.  If you gave a women the option of spending five and a half hours on the golf course away from her kids the only thing that would seem more crazy is giving out bj’s when it’s not a holiday or somebody’s birthday.  (Don’t want to start that precedent now do we ladies?)  “I didn’t think it was my birthday today, but based upon what just happened it must be.”

Now, I realize there are men out there who have been fortunate enough to avoid picking up the sport of golf, and to all of you I say F off, you have saved yourself a lot of time, money, aggravation, and possible marital conflict.  However, the men I know who don’t golf have some other sort of hobby that allows them to escape from their family.  Here in Michigan that hobby is typically hunting or fishing.  In all honesty, I would rather spend my entire weekend with my kids on their very worst days than freezing my ass off in the woods or trying to catch a fish, but some men really enjoy dressing in camouflage and dousing themselves in deer urine.  To each his own I guess.  While I truly enjoy eating fish, the actual task of trying to catch a fish seems extremely boring as well as unnecessary since all of my wife’s relatives fish and are more than happy letting me eat their spoils.

So, a typical problem that men and women run into as they trudge through marriage is the fact that men often times have time consuming hobbies that can even require entire weekends away from their families.  Women typically don’t have similar hobbies and are often miffed by the fact that men are so willing to turn their backs on their families so that they can engage in such fruitless pursuits.  The reason why men are able to do this is two fold:

1. Men are typically better at stuff then women so going on things like a golf trip are actually fun as opposed to complete misery.  (Shirley played in a scramble with four women at Egypt Valley and she said it was one of the worst experiences of her life, it’s what I imagine she would feel about a golf weekend, or any weekend spent entirely with women, women are the worst)
2. We are fully cognizant of the fact that our children, as much as they seem to love us now, will eventually become annoyed by us and even possibly end up resenting us while doing everything in their power to pretend like we don’t exist.  This allows us to have a completely clear conscience  when engaging in our various hobbies.  While I realize this is somewhat flawed logic because we probably should maximize the time with our kids while they still can stand the sight of us, but the male brain rarely thinks on that deep of a level, unless it involves negotiating sex.

This way of thinking, which completely contradicts how the female mind works, results in them often times questioning their husbands and thinking either to themselves or out loud, “you don’t care about our kids as much as I do.”  You’re right.  However, are women void of hobbies? There was only one way to find out, so I Googled women’s hobbies and this is what I came up with:

http://www.herinterest.com/hobbies-for-women/

Yes, foraging is actually a hobby women engage in along with a number of other activities that don’t even seem like hobbies.  Pretty sure cooking is about as much of hobby for my wife as is cleaning out a lint screen.  Some other hobbies of note are :

• Wine Tasting (not really a hobby, it’s a disease called alcoholism)
• Pole Dancing (not really a hobby, it’s a job called stripping)
• Caving-  This seems like something that would be reserved for really outdoorsy lesbians
• Host a Board Game Party-  This is just an excuse to have a bunch of girlfriends over so that you can talk about your kids while you go through the motions of playing board games because you can’t have a party and claim it’s for the sole purpose of talking about your kids, even though it is.  On top of that, playing board games isn’t a hobby, pathetic and depressing yes, hobby no.

Lastly, sports, and more specifically sports radio, is something that truly delineates men and women/ husbands and wives.  I have slowly weened myself off from sports radio and rarely listen any more.  I truly can’t stand the local shows that primarily consist of listener calls, these are the worst.  Who gives a shit what Joe from Hudsonville thinks about the Tiger’s bullpen or who wants to hear Carl from Wyoming weigh in on whatever the latest controversial sports topic is.  I would guess that maybe 2 percent of the sports talk radio audience is comprised of women.  There is no parallel to sports radio for women.  However, I feel like there could be a parallel, and it could be a gold mine.  They need to start a show hosted by a mom or mom’s where other mom’s can call up and talk (brag) about their kids.  “hi, I’m Shirley from Alto, and guess what my kids did the other day…..”  Topics could include:

• Should my child still be having skid marks well into his teens?
• How to broach the crusty sweat sock problem with your teenage sons?
• At what age will your kids stop believing mom and dad were just wrestling ?
• The educational value of cartoons broadcast on the Cartoon Network?