I pulled some political strings and was able to garner a meeting with Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio.  The reason for the meeting was obvious to me, Florida is really missing out on what could be an incredible marketing campaign, and with Jeb and in a short amount of time Marco, having little to nothing to do, why not give them a task that will give them a sense of purpose.  Here’s how it all shook out:

“OK guys here’s what I was thinking, Florida needs a new tag line, while the sunshine state is great, I think it’s been overdone and has little to no traction at this point.  I just spent a week in Florida and the state smells like death.  They should have all their toll takers dressed in Crypt Keeper outfits just to really get the point across, this is the place to die.  I’m old, in normal standards against a typical demographic of your average citizenry I’m really fucking old, but every time I looked around in Florida there wasn’t anyone within 20 years of me.  I felt like I was back in high school up against all of these old farts I continually was running across.”

“Not sure where I would come in on this, I realize I have nothing going on right now, but what is there for me to do as far as attracting younger people to Florida?”  asked Jeb quizzically pointing to the fact that he had tried to get his parents to move to Florida for the past ten years.

“I’m in the same boat.  I have been doing everything in my power to beat Trump and have little to no pull at this time in respects to Florida.  Besides, what’s in it for me?”  stated Rubio.

“Here’s the deal.  We can’t just have a state that is solely dependent on the elderly and illegal aliens interspersed with tourists.  We need to get some actual people with families and children who earn a living and have the ability to pay more than $5 a year in taxes.  People who are rooted to Florida and consider it home.  I realize that concept is laughable at this point, and that no one this side of 65 is willing to call the sunshine state home, there has to be a way to draw people here.  For god sakes we did away with state income tax and that did absolutely nothing.  I figure we do a study to determine if the smell of death and the nuisance that is the elderly can be overcome, and what exactly it will take to overcome that.”

“What does that have to do with us? Rubio and I, well we are two of the twelve families not already drawing social security that actually call Florida home, why do you need us?” said Jeb with a bit of a glimmer in his eye thinking he may actually have something of worth to do for the first time in decades.

“Jim Carrey pretty much nailed it when he said in Dumb and Dumber to the elderly women he wanted to keep an eye on his scooter, you know the elderly although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can serve a purpose, now don’t you go dying on me now.  Truer words have never been spoken.  We just need to figure out what that purpose actually is.  I just need you guys to believe that the elderly, and the state of Florida are worth fighting for.”

“Here’s the deal, we get that immigration reform I’ve been clamoring about actually put in place and things will take care of themselves, we will have more people under the age of 30 than were stupid enough to purchase Beats By Dre headphones.  Let me tell you, that demographic is composed of mindless sheep, sure I’ll pay $200 for a pair of headphones strictly based on the fact that they look pretty.  So, we open the doors to just about anyone who wants to live with a population that is closer to death than Bernie Sanders, and we tell them that when all these people die they can have their shit.  Sound crazy? it really isn’t, old people can’t hear anything, don’t understand anything, and are in bed by 8pm.  It would be quite easy to change the laws so that anyone who dies in Florida forfeits all of their properly to the State of Florida.  The remaining residents who actually work and pay taxes, not state because we have no state income tax, are eligible for a lottery where they can win the dead people’s shit.” said Rubio with more enthusiasm than he was ever ale to muster in his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination.

“The two of you are complete buffoons, and have very little talent, but you decided to live in a state where half the population can’t even remember their own name so you didn’t have to do a whole lot to become relevant and unfortunately, influential.  I think Rubio’s idea may actually work and you guys are probably the only two idiots who could sell it to the power brokers in Florida.   It’s that influence that we need to key in on to turn this state from eerily resembling an episode of the Walking Dead to a 2016 version of Melrose Place.  If you two start greasing some palms and making connections with state legislators I have no doubt that that new law will attract enough millenials to make this state relevant again, and to more than drug companies catering to the elderly and Geriatric Care specialists (doctors for the old).  We get enough millenials to move here they will take even more than the elderly could ever dream of taking, causing a collapse in the state infrastructure, this in turn will result in the hapless and helpless elderly finding themselves completely lost and wither immediately dying or moving to another location.  We flip the population so it consists mostly of millenials and Florida now has that edgy tone and feeling of pretty much every show on the CW.”

“OK, we are in, but I don’t want Jenna moving here, I could see her doing that, she’s a selfish little bitch who will do just about anything for a free ride, as long as you can assure me that she won’t follow all the other millenials in here, Rubio and I are in.”

There are certain things that are synonymous with a particular region or state, Colorado has the rockies, Seattle has rain, Michigan has fat people.  Down here in Florida there are two things that are part of the state’s identity, alligators and manatee, which we had the pleasure of viewing on the first two days of our trip down to Florida.

Our first full day here was Saturday and we decided to take a forty five minute drive to go check out the manatee viewing area.  I wasn’t too terribly excited about going to see bunch of sea cows just float in the water, but having spent the entire winter in Michigan I would have been willing to watch cabbages bounce back and forth in a kiddie pool if the viewing conditions involved sunshine and warm temperatures.  Parking was sparse at the viewing area which kind of took me by surprise, I didn’t realize fat blobs that do basically nothing were that hot of a ticket, they certainly aren’t in Michigan, or we would have a lot more to offer potential tourists.

The first thing I noticed was that I was the only person wearing Crocs, I figured crocs would be almost as prevalent down here as citrus fruit, ugly but practical footwear screams Florida.  Wait a minute, had the generation that wore crocs down here already died? that was somewhat troubling to me.  Apparently it was time to find a different ugly but practical form of foot wear.  Ultimately we made our way to the viewing area to see, wait for it, wait for it, a bunch of blobs floating in the water.  The only interesting thing to see was when a shark jumped out of the water, there was absolutely nothing even remotely interesting about the manatee.

Our second full day in Florida we decided to go to a state park that offered the biggest fan boat in the world for people to ride on.  I was pretty excited to get on one of those fan boats until I found out it went a maximum speed of 3mph and had seats that were even more uncomfortable than church pews.  Regardless of the awesomeness of the boat, we were touring a lake that had nearly 1,000 alligators in it, it was going to be quite an adventure.  The fan boat captain started off telling us about the number of alligators and went into the fact that there were roughly 800 females and 150 males.  I like those odds.

The females actually move around the lake seeking out males to mate with and the males basically stay in the same exact area their entire life.  Sounds like heaven to me.  Can you imagine if that’s how it was in the human world?   Picture a bar or night club, the guys just hang out at one specific location by themselves and the women come over with drinks, presents, and cheesy pick up lines in hopes of bedding one of the seven or eight guys in the place. Exactly, it seems so far fetched I can’t even picture it.

There were many other fun facts we learned about alligators on our one hour tour and that was the focus of the boat tour, alligators.  Had the captain started immediately talking about the Blue Heron Crane I would have probably jumped over the rails and swam back to the dock, and I almost certainly would have done it had I known gators don’t try to feed during the day, they actually don’t do much of anything during the day but lay out in the sun and try to get their core temperature up to 85 degrees.

Their feeding takes place primarily at night.  The harsh reality is that alligators during the day are about as active and exciting as manatee.  For whatever reason, even though they are about as go getting as your typical person on disability or welfare, we still are entirely fascinated by them and will sit on a boat that goes 3mph for an hour to hear about them.  The captain actually fielded questions as we putzed around the lake and they were all about alligators. I actually wanted to ask him if an alligator would eat a manatee but I didn’t have the courage.

Fortunately the tour was only an hour long and we were able to make it back to the dock unharmed.  There was a restaurant and gift shop (of course) near the dock and our kids saw this as an opportunity to beg and plead for ice cream.  The kid scooping the ice cream never would have cut it at any of the high end ice cream parlor’s in Michigan, he averaged about one cone scooped every two minutes, but he was cast perfectly at this Florida state park in the middle of no where.  We ended up deciding to head to a trail that took us to a point where a river flowed into the lake we were on.  At the furthest point from a restroom Tod looked at me and said “I got to go poop dad!”  So, I put him on my shoulders for fear that any type of exertion on his part would lead to him crapping his pants, and we made our way back to the main parking lot.

The men’s restroom  consisted of two stalls and a pair of urinals, a handicap and a regular stall.  Tod took the regular one and began his business.  He was grunting and groaning trying to push the turd(s) out and it was quite comical.  Midway into his poop session the other stall filled and there was actually someone waiting for a stall to open up.  Tod has the habit of flushing after every turd and I thought he was going to break the toilet.  I told him to hurry up and he responded by saying he couldn’t because he had diarrhea, not sure how he went from having to strain with all his might to having the squirts, but the kid is somewhat of an anomaly.  The guy waiting for the stall to open assured me he wasn’t in a hurry so I let Tod finish his business on his own terms.

On the way back from the park I got to thinking, many people know the history of Gatorade, but for those of you who don’t, it was developed in the 70’s by a doctor at the university of Florida, hence the name Gatorade.  He offered to sell it to the university for $1 million dollars and 5 cents of every bottle sold or something like that (you may want to look it up just to get the completely accurate story) but needless to say he was fortunate the university didn’t take him up on the offer due to the fact that he has made hundreds of millions off his invention.  My question as I was thinking was what if instead of calling it Gatorade, they had instead went with Manateeade?  Has a ring to it doesn’t it?

 

 

Family vacations.  Everyone has memories of some type of family vacation, most of them are probably not fond memories, but family vacations are part of American culture.  Wether it be summer camping trips to not too distant locals, excursions to out west to see the true beauty that the United States has to offer, or a respite from the cold in the middle of the winter to a warm weather location, everyone needs a vacation.

However, the term family vacation seems like an oxymoron to me, is it possible to go on a true vacation if your family is accompanying you?  I jokingly, ok not so jokingly, sent out a text to my wife and a couple other people stating that I just couldn’t get all that excited for a vacation that involved my kids.  I have gone on plenty of vacations and prior to having kids, I can’t remember a single one I wasn’t excited about.  Cancun with my brother when he was in college and I was the creepy old guy (a part I have perfected), Costa Rica for my honeymoon, a trip also with my brother right after law school where we went to South Beach with a couple of his buddies.  Guess what all of those trips didn’t involve that made them amazing?  KIDS, that’s right, for as amazing as they are they somehow mange to suck the life out of you.

So, wouldn’t it make complete sense that when I am not exactly ecstatic about the trip with my family, it ends up getting off way better than the Academy Awards could have even hoped for.  I won’t bore you with the details of the initial two days of our trip down to Florida, but prior to researching Bush Gardens, I told Tod, who is the ultimate thrill seeker, about it and how we were going to go down to Florida and ride roller coasters and do all kinds of fun shit, only I said stuff, but I meant shit, at Bush Gardens.  Then Shirley, informed me that it was $100 a ticket to get into Bush Gardens, initially I thought to myself, since it was sold by Anhuiser Bush to another company are they now capitalizing on the Bush part of gardens?  In my mind that was the only way they could justify it costing that much for a single ticket.

Nope, that is not the reason it costs more than the GNP of most third world countries to take your family for a day of roller coasters and safari rides.  Granted, the cost of admission to the park is less than I have paid for pretty much every sporting event I have attended in the past three years, but it stilled seemed entirely outrageous.  Wait I can pay $120 to watch a gigantic douchebag like Aaron Rodgers throw a bullshit Hail Mary touchdown and then have to drive home two hours after that constantly thinking about how horrendous my life is, or I can pay $80 (that’s the intent price) to ride roller coasters and do fun shit on a beautiful sunny day in Florida?  I’m going to watch me some football, football sucks but Rodger Goodell says I should like football so I like football.

On the other hand, my years of personal experience have taught me that amusement parks, while they have their pitfalls, don’t leave you feeling nearly as abysmal as attending a sporting event.  There have been times I wish I hadn’t gone to an amusement park, but those times are the exception rather than the rule.  Furthermore, Tod was so excited about going to Bush Gardens it is as if he had a second Christmas coming his way.  That youthful exuberance is something you just have to sit back and admire, he’s entirely unaware of the fact that the world actually fucking sucks and is filled with people like Kanye West, Rosie Odonnell, and Glen Beck.

In all honesty, we had to put Bush Gardens at the front of our trip because Tod couldn’t stop talking about it and if we dragged it out any longer it would have taken a toll on everyone.  So, we purchased our tickets on line, loaded up the minivan rental, and headed up to Bush Gardens.  My expectations were set somewhat low even in light of the astronomical cost of a single ticket, but I had been to Bush Gardens in 7th grade, it didn’t impress me then, so it probably wasn’t going to impress me now.  Ultimately, the biggest blow I took was when we entered the park.

They had some guy who looked to be in his mid to late 120’s checking the gate to make sure everyone who had tickets was getting through ok.  Our electronic tickets were not registering and Tod and I walked through the gates without a hitch.  Wait, your telling me I could have saved my self upwards of $250 by just showing up and walking through the gates without a ticket, we summoned the old guy over, (he said he was Thomas Jefferson’s great grandson) and he was completely bamboozled by our ticket issue and just waived Shirley through the gate. I realize it would have been stealing to just walk through the gates without purchasing a ticket, but us Dutch people have a way of justifying saving money, even if it’s entirely illegal.

So, we needed a stroller since we had a 3 year old (who was actually 2 for the day because 2 and under are free, Ted I know your 3 but your 2 today, just remember that) and a very out of shape 5 year old, whose primary form of exercise has been operating the remote control, with us.  I thought we could just look around and find a stroller rental place, but Shirley was all about making us find a stroller before we did anything else.  I started getting upset, but realized I should just ask someone where to rent strollers (not sure what happened there because asking for help is not in my nature) and I was guided towards the rental area.  You would think that renting strollers would be the hot ticket item, but instead it was electric wheelchairs, apparently disgusting fat people love amusement parks.  I’m sorry, but if you are over the age of 6 (Tod is 5) and can’t walk on your own, what the fuck are you doing in an amusement park?  (there’s a lot of walking involved in an amusement park)

So these fat people are in line are in front of me bitching about how they only have one register open to cater to rentals.  Excuse me, you wouldn’t  be in this line if you had at least an ounce of self control.  Are you worried someone else is going to get the first turkey leg sold in the park ahead of you?  (they actually were selling turkey leg’s at one of the concession stand for $9, isn’t america great?  No wonder everyone hates us)  The also looked exactly like someone who could call their father both dad and grandpa, which from my understanding is perfectly acceptable down here.

At this point I’m really questioning my decision and wishing that Bush Gardens had somehow been closed for the day similar to what happened with Wally World in the vacation movie.  Fortunately for me that wasn’t the case, from that point on everything turned out to be an amazing experience, at least if you aren’t petrified of heights.  Shirley, her uncle and I hopped on a 980 foot tower that takes you to the top and drops you.   We made our way up to the top, and upon reaching the top we were not dropped.

The most terrifying part about this ride is getting to the top, you want to be dropped as quickly as possible, but we didn’t drop.  My heart was pounding and I was worried they were going to have to send some type of rescue team up to retrieve us, only there was really no way for us to be retrieved.  Ultimately, we crept our way down to the ground and were able to get off the ride.  (they gave us fast passes for one ride for our inconvenience but the max wait on any ride was five minutes)

From that point on we had a blast taking the kids on various rides and riding the rides we wanted to ride on with little to no wait.  While Bush Gardens doesn’t necessarily have the most amazing rides out there, that honor goes to Cedar Point, they have figured out the price point that keeps the dirt bags out.  It was refreshing to be in an environment where people with tattoos are outnumbered 10 to 1 as well as people who wear deodorant as opposed to people who don’t.

Solid rides, good  patrons, and weather second to none, that’s what Bush Gardens has to offer.  They mix rides with enough kid friendly activities that forking over 80 bucks a ticket really doesn’t seem like a bad investment.  Even though there was no Christie Brinkley or John Candy, so far this vacation couldn’t have been scripted any better.