“Hello, is this Sharon?”

“This is, who am I speaking with?”

“Mrs. Peters, this is attorney Jason Jansma, I have been retained by your husband.”

“Oh, goodness no, I didn’t see this coming, is he filing for divorce?”

“First of all women never see it coming, men are much better about hiding their displeasure with their spouse.  Typically when I contact a husband about his wife filing the first thing out of his mouth is “what took her so long?” where as men can live in misery for years without saying a peep.  But that’s not why I am contacting you.  I have been retained to represent your husband as his agent.”

“Agent?  He’s an engineer for a plastics company, what does he need an agent for?”

“He needs an agent to represent him regarding domestic negotiations.  You see, you have the one thing he doesn’t, a vagina, and his pre-occupation with that one thing gives you an  inequitable amount of bargaining power.  So, the only way to level the playing field is to bring in a professional.”

“I guess I am relieved that he isn’t filing for divorce, but him needing an agent to negotiate with me is a bit troubling.”

“Listen, divorce may have been an option two or three years ago, when you only had one kid, but what person in their right mind would want to be a single parent to two kids, especially two boys? I’d rather take my chances raising a family of raccoons by myself.  Granted we did discuss divorce at one point but here’s the deal, I’m one of those guys who tells it like it is, and I told him, all women are crazy, you think divorcing this one and marrying another one is going to make you happy?  Grass is never greener on the other side of the pasture.  That was years ago when I gave him that advice and he came back to discuss what his options were now.  I’ve been offering this service to men for quite some time now.  Men are typically controlled by one thing, and that’s who my client’s are, those who are not controlled by one thing don’t need my services.”

“So, how is this going to work, are you going to be involved in every single decision that needs to be made by the two of us?  Like if he want’s to go to Arbys and obviously I never want to go to Arbys, am I going to be immediately contacted by you?”

“For the most part it’s up to him what he want’s to bring me in on, I’m guessing he’s not going to cave on his desire for Arby’s just so he can get some hanky panky, because Arby’s is that good, so he may bring me in, but that could get awfully expensive.”

“He did want me to get the ball rolling on negotiations though, it’s more at this point pointing out things that bother him right now more than anything else.  When your monthly visitor is in town can you please make sure the aftermath is taken care of, as in flush it all down, nobody needs to see that.  He also wanted me to negotiate something that he thinks you may be willing to agree to.”

“I’m all ears”

“Ok, he indicates that he is willing to take over all laundry duties, including folding and putting away all the kids and his clothes, he’d never even dare fold your clothes.  Apparently, and he didn’t say this, but it has been implied through the course of your marriage that that is your responsibility for the most part, not necessarily the washing, but the folding and putting away of the clothes.  Lately, like the past six months, he claims you have been neglecting the laundry and most weeks he finds himself routinely going into the laundry room and sifting through piles of clean clothes to get something for the kids to wear.  Nobody should live like that.”

“I can’t wait to hear what he wants in return.”

“He’d like sex twice a week and once on the weekends.  One of the weekly times can be where you just lay there and count the seconds until it’s over, but at least once a week you have to kind of pretend like you are into it.  Obviously on the weekend it’s all out, we need 110% out of you.”

“And he will take care of all laundry duties, all I have to do is just fold and put away my own clothes?”

“Yes, pretty much, you do have to actually put away your clothes though, you can’t just leave them in piles around the bedroom, he wants them actually put away, oh and he is also requiring that you get rid of all your granny panties, he realizes the utility of the granny panties and that they also act as a warning sign that Aunt Flo is in town, but he just can’t bare to see you in them anymore, they are all stretched out and some of them even have holes in them, not even men wear underwear that are that dilapidated.”

“No laundry duties is quite compelling, but getting rid of my granny panties…., do I need to get rid of all of them, I am really attached to them.  I’m just going to have to think about this.  Is there a time frame for when I need to get back to you?”

“Ok, there’s one more thing that he wanted me to begin negotiations on.  He is looking to schedule a four day golf trip next month and he’s wondering what it is going to take to pull that off?”

“Well, if he will take one act of coitus per week out of the laundry negotiations that will get us headed in the right direction.”

“Ok, I can run it by him.  He wanted me to throw out the possibility of a reciprocal trip for you with your girlfriends.  Would that do the trick?”

“Maybe if I had girlfriends, I mean I guess I kind of do, but none that I would want to go on a trip with.  A bunch of girls going on a trip together away from their kids, what would we even do?  That sounds awful.”

“It sounds like heaven to me but if you don’t have any friends you want to spend that much time with that’s understandable I guess.  Well, I have to get with another client, I’ll touch base with your husband and see if there are any concessions that can get this deal done.  It was a pleasure speaking with you and don’t go buying any new underwear for the time being, not that you would, I think we are making real progress here.”