The world is full of things that you would think at first glance would immediately fail.  Around Valentine’s Day there was a major advertising campaign for the International Star Registry.  Yes, for those of you who were unaware of this business, it allows you to name a star after a loved one and have it registered with the US patent office.  I’m pretty sure it’s right up there with HIV and Herpes as least favorite gifts to receive from a loved one.  How much do you have to not give a shit bout someone to name a star after them, what are there like 6 gazillion stars out there?

Regardless, the registry was established in 1979 and somehow still exists and has been profitable enough to put together a website along with various radio marketing campaigns across the country.  If I have stoked your interest it appears there are three options for you if you want to tell a loved one how little you care about them.  The first option is your standard star and that goes for $19.95, the second option is the Extra Bright Star for $39.95 and the ultimate in star gift giving is the Binary star that they are practically giving away at the low  low price of $64.95.  How pissed would you be if your significant other skimped on the standard star when there were still one billion binary starts available?

While the star registry is something everyone can give as a gift as they see fit, I recently received a mailing from The American Institute of Criminal Law Attorneys.   Apparently I qualified as one of the 10 best criminal defense attorneys in Michigan for 2016.  I’m not even one of the 10 best criminal defense attorneys in my firm (we only have 4) so obviously they are merely sending these out to every criminal defense attorney in Michigan.

This became even more obvious when I realized all three of my partners received the exact same mailing.  Is this something unique to the practice of law?  Are attorneys so egomaniacal that they fall for this bullshit?  Or, do they also have these hokey services for plumbers, electricians, and accountants?  What I really don’t understand is if I’m one of the 10 best why do I have to pay $275 for them to be one of the ten best in Michigan?  Wait a minute!  It says here in the application that I need to provide them with my name as I would like it to appear on my engraved plaque.

An engraved plaque changes everything, engraved plaque’s are all the rage these days and if I can post a picture of it on Facebook imagine how many likes I could get, I’d say at least 20.  It also may change the way I am perceived by all of my peers and by judges.  “Your honor, instead of addressing me as Mr. Jansma I’d like to be addressed as the 7th best Criminal attorney in Michigan, at least for 2016, my goal is to crack the top five by 2017, but I really need to work on my 40 time along with my dictation skills.”

While I realize most people won’t actually fall for this type of gimmick regarding their career, I feel like there is a potential market here that to this point has been entirely untapped, at least with commemorative plaques.  Granted, there are plenty of T-shirts, coffee mugs, and possibly even bumper stickers that have garnered the claim that the owner of that item was a #1 dad, but I’ve never seen a plaque commemorating such an achievement.  Of the billions of dads out there, there has to be at least a million or so who would be willing to shell out a couple hundred dollars for a plaque commemorating their prowess as a father and indicating that they are a top ten dad.

And speaking of number one dads, why is it that mom’s never make the claim that they are the best mom out there?  Honestly, I have never seen a mother wearing a number one mom t-shirt nor have I run across a mother sipping coffee out a mug that touts her as a mother who is unrivaled in her abilities as a mom.  Is that how pathetic men are?

“Why don’t we start manufacturing some number one mom coffee mugs?  We are missing out on an entire market to purchase our product?”

“What women in her right mind would be dumb enough to purchase such a product and allow other people to think that she thinks she’s number one?  All it would lead to is a motherhood of trying to prove that she is deserving of her coffee mug, constantly feeling the pressure of having to live up to her mug, thinking that her mug needs to be destroyed every time she yells at her kids or tells them she’s leaving and never coming back because they are such terrible assholes and undeserving of her love.”

“Ok, I see your point, there are different levels of mothers and men, well most of them, are basically marginal at whatever they do, so you could claim to be a number one dad and not have to be too concerned about living up to that claim because the bar has not been set too terribly high.”

“However, I like the idea of a number one husband mug, that opens up an entirely new market for us to sell our crappy mugs to, and once again we are dealing with men who will purchase just about anything if it tells the world they are good at something.”