Family vacations.  Everyone has memories of some type of family vacation, most of them are probably not fond memories, but family vacations are part of American culture.  Wether it be summer camping trips to not too distant locals, excursions to out west to see the true beauty that the United States has to offer, or a respite from the cold in the middle of the winter to a warm weather location, everyone needs a vacation.

However, the term family vacation seems like an oxymoron to me, is it possible to go on a true vacation if your family is accompanying you?  I jokingly, ok not so jokingly, sent out a text to my wife and a couple other people stating that I just couldn’t get all that excited for a vacation that involved my kids.  I have gone on plenty of vacations and prior to having kids, I can’t remember a single one I wasn’t excited about.  Cancun with my brother when he was in college and I was the creepy old guy (a part I have perfected), Costa Rica for my honeymoon, a trip also with my brother right after law school where we went to South Beach with a couple of his buddies.  Guess what all of those trips didn’t involve that made them amazing?  KIDS, that’s right, for as amazing as they are they somehow mange to suck the life out of you.

So, wouldn’t it make complete sense that when I am not exactly ecstatic about the trip with my family, it ends up getting off way better than the Academy Awards could have even hoped for.  I won’t bore you with the details of the initial two days of our trip down to Florida, but prior to researching Bush Gardens, I told Tod, who is the ultimate thrill seeker, about it and how we were going to go down to Florida and ride roller coasters and do all kinds of fun shit, only I said stuff, but I meant shit, at Bush Gardens.  Then Shirley, informed me that it was $100 a ticket to get into Bush Gardens, initially I thought to myself, since it was sold by Anhuiser Bush to another company are they now capitalizing on the Bush part of gardens?  In my mind that was the only way they could justify it costing that much for a single ticket.

Nope, that is not the reason it costs more than the GNP of most third world countries to take your family for a day of roller coasters and safari rides.  Granted, the cost of admission to the park is less than I have paid for pretty much every sporting event I have attended in the past three years, but it stilled seemed entirely outrageous.  Wait I can pay $120 to watch a gigantic douchebag like Aaron Rodgers throw a bullshit Hail Mary touchdown and then have to drive home two hours after that constantly thinking about how horrendous my life is, or I can pay $80 (that’s the intent price) to ride roller coasters and do fun shit on a beautiful sunny day in Florida?  I’m going to watch me some football, football sucks but Rodger Goodell says I should like football so I like football.

On the other hand, my years of personal experience have taught me that amusement parks, while they have their pitfalls, don’t leave you feeling nearly as abysmal as attending a sporting event.  There have been times I wish I hadn’t gone to an amusement park, but those times are the exception rather than the rule.  Furthermore, Tod was so excited about going to Bush Gardens it is as if he had a second Christmas coming his way.  That youthful exuberance is something you just have to sit back and admire, he’s entirely unaware of the fact that the world actually fucking sucks and is filled with people like Kanye West, Rosie Odonnell, and Glen Beck.

In all honesty, we had to put Bush Gardens at the front of our trip because Tod couldn’t stop talking about it and if we dragged it out any longer it would have taken a toll on everyone.  So, we purchased our tickets on line, loaded up the minivan rental, and headed up to Bush Gardens.  My expectations were set somewhat low even in light of the astronomical cost of a single ticket, but I had been to Bush Gardens in 7th grade, it didn’t impress me then, so it probably wasn’t going to impress me now.  Ultimately, the biggest blow I took was when we entered the park.

They had some guy who looked to be in his mid to late 120’s checking the gate to make sure everyone who had tickets was getting through ok.  Our electronic tickets were not registering and Tod and I walked through the gates without a hitch.  Wait, your telling me I could have saved my self upwards of $250 by just showing up and walking through the gates without a ticket, we summoned the old guy over, (he said he was Thomas Jefferson’s great grandson) and he was completely bamboozled by our ticket issue and just waived Shirley through the gate. I realize it would have been stealing to just walk through the gates without purchasing a ticket, but us Dutch people have a way of justifying saving money, even if it’s entirely illegal.

So, we needed a stroller since we had a 3 year old (who was actually 2 for the day because 2 and under are free, Ted I know your 3 but your 2 today, just remember that) and a very out of shape 5 year old, whose primary form of exercise has been operating the remote control, with us.  I thought we could just look around and find a stroller rental place, but Shirley was all about making us find a stroller before we did anything else.  I started getting upset, but realized I should just ask someone where to rent strollers (not sure what happened there because asking for help is not in my nature) and I was guided towards the rental area.  You would think that renting strollers would be the hot ticket item, but instead it was electric wheelchairs, apparently disgusting fat people love amusement parks.  I’m sorry, but if you are over the age of 6 (Tod is 5) and can’t walk on your own, what the fuck are you doing in an amusement park?  (there’s a lot of walking involved in an amusement park)

So these fat people are in line are in front of me bitching about how they only have one register open to cater to rentals.  Excuse me, you wouldn’t  be in this line if you had at least an ounce of self control.  Are you worried someone else is going to get the first turkey leg sold in the park ahead of you?  (they actually were selling turkey leg’s at one of the concession stand for $9, isn’t america great?  No wonder everyone hates us)  The also looked exactly like someone who could call their father both dad and grandpa, which from my understanding is perfectly acceptable down here.

At this point I’m really questioning my decision and wishing that Bush Gardens had somehow been closed for the day similar to what happened with Wally World in the vacation movie.  Fortunately for me that wasn’t the case, from that point on everything turned out to be an amazing experience, at least if you aren’t petrified of heights.  Shirley, her uncle and I hopped on a 980 foot tower that takes you to the top and drops you.   We made our way up to the top, and upon reaching the top we were not dropped.

The most terrifying part about this ride is getting to the top, you want to be dropped as quickly as possible, but we didn’t drop.  My heart was pounding and I was worried they were going to have to send some type of rescue team up to retrieve us, only there was really no way for us to be retrieved.  Ultimately, we crept our way down to the ground and were able to get off the ride.  (they gave us fast passes for one ride for our inconvenience but the max wait on any ride was five minutes)

From that point on we had a blast taking the kids on various rides and riding the rides we wanted to ride on with little to no wait.  While Bush Gardens doesn’t necessarily have the most amazing rides out there, that honor goes to Cedar Point, they have figured out the price point that keeps the dirt bags out.  It was refreshing to be in an environment where people with tattoos are outnumbered 10 to 1 as well as people who wear deodorant as opposed to people who don’t.

Solid rides, good  patrons, and weather second to none, that’s what Bush Gardens has to offer.  They mix rides with enough kid friendly activities that forking over 80 bucks a ticket really doesn’t seem like a bad investment.  Even though there was no Christie Brinkley or John Candy, so far this vacation couldn’t have been scripted any better.