Society is full of people to fear and things to fear, from Terrorists to Michael Moore there are plenty of things out there that are constantly at the back of our mind making us anxious and uneasy.  A majority of the things people fear are completely rational, clowns, hugs, and a women in the Whitehouse are all things that no person should take lightly.  (In theory I’m not opposed to a female president, just the particular female that is trying to become Commander and Chief at this particular moment)

Often times I will wake up in the middle of the night to take a leak or get a glass of water and my imagination immediately begins to take over and I make my self look out into the driveway.  Why do I do this?  I want to make sure there are no flesh eating zombies in my driveway chomping away at a deer carcass.  Is this fear at all rational?  I’d like to say yes based upon my consistent viewing of the Walking Dead for the first three seasons (I can’t believe that show is still on the air) and what I really need to do is befriend a black person at the next sign of the zombie apocalypse because according to the show once a new African American shows up the original one is a goner.  “No T-Dog! No!”  However, the likelihood of a Zombie Apocalypse has got to be pretty close to zero, I haven’t googled it or anything, but I’d probably be more likely to find John Travolta hugging another man in my driveway than a decomposing zombie nibbling on a deer hoof.

Accepting the fact that I do have irrational fears, there is one thing that I fear that is completely rational, carwashes.   I have developed an anxiety about car washes that is based in reality.  The car wash where I use to live actually would allow you to let them drive it through for you, you mean you will actually drive my car through for me?  And it isn’t extra?  Take it! Take it now! before you change your mind this sounds way too good to be true.  When I was living at the same place I happened to decide to bring my car for a wash when my go to car wash was closed.

There was a little rust on my car wash game since I was use to having my car driven through for me and I had an electronic transmission in my car at the time which meant you had to click a button to get it into neutral. (Neutral was like the female g spot, almost impossible to locate) I was at a car wash on 28th street and the attendant instructed me to put it into neutral.  I kept clicking the damn button but it would only go into reverse or drive, the cars began to line up behind me and I immediately began to perspire profusely.  After what seemed to be at least ten minutes, but was probably more like a minute and a half,  I was finally able to coax my car into neutral.

The inability to get my car into neutral is just one of the many problems I have encountered at car washes, and whenever I go to a car wash I am always on edge even though my current transmission could be operated by an asian elderly women (I just described the worst possible driver on the planet unless you throw in handicap)  If I want to double down on my anxiousness I bring passengers into the equation.  It’s one thing to struggle navigating the car wash when you are all by yourself, but it is even more emasculating when people you know are there to witness it  first hand.  Typically I try to avoid going through a car wash with occupants other than myself in my vehicle, but for some reason I had a brain fart on Sunday and took my entire family with me.

We were coming back from Great Wolf Lodge and my truck was filthy, besides I had a new car wash that seemed to be fool proof.  I ordered the Rainbow wash and proceeded up to the spray area.  Oh shit!  There’s no longer an attendant there to direct you into the track and make sure your tires are properly lined up.  Immediately panic kicked in and I was considering letting Shirley take over driving responsibilities.  Unfortunately, the panic clouded my perception of everything and I didn’t realize they replaced the attendant with a mirror.  I blindly pulled forward and completely missed the track with my front tire, running it over while putting the attendant in charge of spraying off the vehicle into a tizzy along with my wife.

Everyone was screaming at me and I felt utterly helpless.  In my second of clarity I said “Fucking relax, I have a truck I will just back up and put my truck in the track properly!”  having finally noticed the mirror, and yes I dropped an F bomb in front of my kids, not the first time and won’t be the last.  While it was nice that they put a mirror there, I have much more confidence in an attendant, and really hate to rely solely on myself for anything.  This automated world we live in blows.

Fortunately, Shirley found it more amusing than alarming that I had lost my temper and everything turned out ok after we made our way through the car wash.  However, the car wash is not the only thing that percolates my uneasiness.  With summer approaching I am gearing up for a second completely rational fear that overwhelms me at times.  That fear is authority figures who are younger than me, much younger than me.  Seems like kind of an odd fear doesn’t it?  Well hold back your judgment until you have been chastised by a 13 year old pimply faced life guard with braces for unsavory conduct at a public swimming pool.  “Yes sir, I’ll behave, I’m really sorry.”  Wait a minute I’m three times older than that kid what am I doing cow towing to him, screw it, CANNON BALL!  Of course that last part didn’t happen, the only thing worse than being yelled at by a 13 year old life guard is being kicked out of the pool area by a 13 year old lifeguard.  “You may have won this battle you little bastard, but at least I have a driver’s license!”

While the public pool is a mainstay for teenage workers, Craig’s Cruisers may employ even more teenagers than all of the public pools in West Michigan combined.  For the most part this isn’t a problem unless you love go karts, and my five year old and I love the shit out of go karts.  I have never seen anyone legally able to purchase tobacco products working a go kart track and a go kart track needs twice as much regulation as a public pool.  You need to rule that go kart track with an iron fist, and if you don’t treat that go kart track like you are it’s lord Geoffrey, that go kart track is going to rule you.  Have you seen the wing nuts they let drive on those tracks?  It would be like driving down 131 if it was comprised solely of elderly female handicapped Asian driver’s.

The reality is, I am an excellent driver when my vehicle is moving forward, and I dominate the go kart track.  So, I can count the times on one hand that I have been spoken to by the go kart track attendant and they have all been for minor infractions that were no fault of mine, typically being spun out by some 12 year old girl who had no  business being on the track in the first place.  However, I have plenty of go karting ahead of me and I’m sure that if the day comes where I am confronted for a major go kart infraction I will do the right thing, I will blame it entirely on my kid.