“I’m not sure how this could have happened, I googled “swinger’s resorts Northern Michigan” and the only thing that came up was Great Wolf Lodge” stated Lindsey.

“They must be casting a pretty wide net to get customers to visit their resort.  This place is full of families with children, not sure there are any swingers within 25 miles of this place.”  George stated with a bit of disgust in his tone. “92 percent of the people here are families and the other 8 percent are either grandparents or pedophiles.”

“Well, we are stuck now, we didn’t cancel in time and now we are going to be out almost $500 if we put this place in our rear view mirror.  Besides, remember that time we booked a hotel and we were unaware that they were holding a theological conference entitled”Are we there yet? The in’s and out’s of predestination in modern times” we still managed to find a few theologians who were totally depraved.  Let’s give it a shot, we might be pleasantly surprised, and you can’t tell me you aren’t dying to try that monster water slide not to mention the lazy river.”  Lindsey responded in a pleading tone.

“We need to have a plan, there’s a certain demographic we probably need to steer clear of, the families with young kids who can’t escape their room.  I did see someone in the pool area wearing a thong speedo but it was a european cut and you know we don’t want to mess with European’s, never had much luck with them. You know, I really feel like an idiot trying to carry this cooler into the park, the sign says no outside coolers, no idea why Beth would have told you you can bring in your own booze.”

Later that evening at dinner:

“Did you see that guy who was standing outside of his room with a band aid on his forehead?  He looked completely out of sorts and I could have sworn he was mumbling red rum, red rum, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a frontal lobotomy in anticipation of his trip to Great Wolf.  We should probably keep an eye on that guy, not for swinging purposes but for our own safety.  On top of that guy, I was in line for one of the water slides and this little bitch of a girl went blowing past at least ten people and cut into the front of the line.  I wish everyone in the park had a temporary tattoo with an id number on it so you could make formal complaints against them with management.” George noted as he sipped on his Derby Daiquiri.

“On the bright side I saw a women in a bikini who was at least 8 months pregnant, nothing says skank quite like an overly pregnant women in a bikini.  We could cross that off our bucket list if we play our cards correctly.  I actually followed her into the hot tub not realizing it was the kiddie hot tub, and likely comprised of 50 percent urine  and 50 percent water.  There were no less than three band aids floating in the water and they keep it at a tepid 80 degrees, which is probably elevated by at least 5 degrees due to the fresh urine.  Fortunately I discovered the adult hot tub within minutes of sitting in the kiddie tub, and I was able to talk our overly confident pregnant friend into joining me.   Apparently she is here with her boyfriend and three other children with two different fathers, all out of wedlock.  Jackpot!”  Lindsay had already drank four pina colada’s and was having a hard time keeping her voice down.

“I’m not going to lie, I’m struggling here, but if we can make it happen with prego, this may all end up being worth it.  By the way, I stopped in the snack shop to grab something to tide me over until dinner,  and they had one of those touch screen soft drink machines.  You should have seen the hill rods trying to figure that thing out.  One of them actually told the other one, yeah they have one of these at Wendy’s already and then proceeded to take three minutes to figure out how the machine worked and then another two minutes to final decide on Mellow Yellow Zero.  Seriously, your going to go with Mountain Dew’s ugly step cousin, mellow yellow, when you have 150 other options?  That’s the problem, we have way too many options today, 200 cable channels, unlimited drink options.  Back in the day it was Coke, diet Coke, Sprite, and Dr. Pepper and that brief time period where Tab was popular, whatever happened to Tab?”  said George quizzically.

“I’ll say this, I had my doubts about this place and I should have known they wouldn’t build an indoor water park in Northern Michigan for swingers, seems like a little too specific and small demographic to be profitable, but I am enjoying the fact that I can wear sweat pants wherever I go, including dinner.  However, sweat pants aside, the amount of tattoo regret in this place has to be second only to people leaving Vegas after their first trip there.  This place is like Wal Mart with water slides, there are things I’ve seen here that no amount of therapy is going to be able to get me past.”  barked Lindsay as she attempted to flag down a waiter to order her fifth pina colada.

“Did you see the sign on the door prohibiting firearms?  Not that I  believe a sign is going to keep some wing nut from bringing a sub machine gun in here, but if I was here with my wife and kids the last thing I should have in my possession is a firearm.  Furthermore, even if I didn’t use it on the guests, I would most definitely shoot out all the windows in the water park so that they couldn’t open it the next day.  Can you imagine going through a day of this with your kids and then knowing you had to come back and do it all over the next day?  I would probably get in my truck and drive aimlessly around Traverse City listening to Conway Twitty all the while hoping that my wife and kids find a new dad while I’m gone.  Isn’t that the prego skank up at the bar?”  George asked with a bit of hope in his voice.

“It is, should I buy her a Jager bomb or a shot of tequila?”  asked Lindsay as she made her way to the bar.